A little angsty

As he sat in the back of the quinjet, relinquishing his control and allowing Sam to fly, Steve sat with an eerie stillness, with the exception of the bounce in his leg to demonstrate the withering of his last moment of patience. His muscles were rigid and his fists clenched, with closed eyes that allowed the torturous images to continue in an endless loop like a bad movie stuck on repeat. You had told him that something felt wrong before that last mission together. You told him that you thought they should retreat back, but as usual, he didn't listen. He didn't listen, and now it had been six months since he had last seen you. Because of his own damn insistence on thinking he knew best, you were missing and this was the first lead that they had caught the trail of in that whole time.

"Steve, I swear, you're shaking the whole jet. Stop it."

"Make me."

"Hey, man, don't get all bitchy on me," Sam snapped back. "We talked about this, remember? If you can't keep yourself in check, you stay here and Pete and I take the lead. It's your choice, but you had better make it now before we land. What's it gonna be?"

A quiet growl built in Steve's chest, but he held it back, knowing that it would only fuel his friend to make good on his promise. It almost caused him actual, physical pain, but he managed a weak smile and did his best to carry a calm tone in his reply. "I can behave."

"Mmm hmm. I'll believe it when I see it."

Steve silenced again, and in that entire time his eyes had remained tightly closed even as he spoke; he feared now that if he were to open them, the sight of you in his mind would be lost and he wasn't ready for that. It was bad enough that as each day passed, the memory of what you looked like began to grow hazy, but to lose it altogether would be just too much. Steve had been your protector since your first day with the team; he was your best friend, and how did he repay you? By turning away at the wrong time.

"Cap?"

"Parker?"

"Hey, I...I just wanted to say...I feel like even though this is our first lead, I think this could be it. We're gonna find her."

"Thanks."

Pete furrowed his brow at the curt reply, as if Steve hadn't taken him seriously. He really did feel good about the lead, one that he had found on his own, but now that this rescue mission was on his shoulders if it didn't pan out, the second-guessing began. He needed the Captain to give him just a hint of support, even if he didn't really believe it. "This wasn't your fault...S-steve."

Sam had been listening in from the pilot seat, feeling that the temperature around them had just dropped at the shift in Steve's posture. He had spent the last six months beating himself up, and to have a newbie tell him that he was wrong...well, it wasn't sitting well, and when Steve's eyes finally opened, they were dark and cold.

"Do you even know what happened, Parker? You weren't there. You're only here now because you were playing around with some piece of busted tech in Stark's lab and happened to catch a clue. Don't you dare sit in front of me and tell me that it's not my fault like you know a goddamn thing about it."

"Steve-"

"What?" he sneered at Sam, baring his teeth just enough to make the man straighten in his seat. "You agreed with me, Sam. Are you telling me that you were just placating me and letting me blame myself because you thought that's what I wanted? Were you lying to me when you said that you understood?"

"Of course not, but that's no reason to come down on the kid when all he's trying to do is help."

"I'm the one who turned around, Sam," Steve insisted, now standing so quickly that Pete stumbled back and away, "I'm the one who should have stayed with her, like I promised."

"We were all just doing our jobs-"

"Yeah, we were. And you know what? Maybe I don't want to do it anymore. If this is a cold lead..." he paused, his voice fading when it began to crack under the emotions he had been holding for too long. All he could manage was a shake of his head in regret, waving the two men off before dropping back into the jump seat to close his eyes again. He needed to make sure that his memory of you was intact before this began.

Peter stood still for a moment, staring at his Captain with his mouth agape, looking from him and to Sam a few times before forcing his feet to take him to the co-pilot seat. "Sam...is he serious? Is he going to quit?"

"Nah, he's not serious."

"How are you so sure?"

"Pfft, I'm not," he scoffed, his eyes again focused straight ahead, "I was just trying to sound confident for you."

~~~

Steve had only felt panic like this a few times. Buildings were crumbling around his team, comms were down, and civilians were in danger in every direction that he could see. Despite all of that, those things weren't his primary concern; the one thing that sent him into a dizzying spiral was the sight of you on the ground on the far side of a small park at the center of the nearly destroyed city. It gave him a false sense of security to see that there were emergency teams around you, but he was supposed to stay at your side as your partner. Now that he had you in his sights, he broke into a full sprint to get to you, and wouldn't make the mistake of leaving you again; at least not until he was ordered to do so.

"Sir, I need you to step back," the medic barked at him when he approached. "We need room here."

"I'm Steve Rogers."

"I don't care who you are. You need to step back, or I'll have you moved."

It was a really hard impulse to fight, wanting to throw this woman across the park, but Steve held his composure and his eyes on you. You were awake, but drowsy, as if you had been knocked out and just coming back to yourself. "(Y/N)?"

"Yeah...Cap?" you mumbled, barely audible.

"I'm sorry that I let us get separated. You're going to be okay though." His words sounded confident enough, but in his heart, he wasn't sure if he could bring himself to believe them. Your skin was dusky and your lips were dry, as if you had blood loss, but he couldn't see any. The sight of you didn't make sense, but he wasn't getting any great answers to help him. When the medic reached out to grab your arm to start an IV, he grabbed her hand in pure reflex to stop her. "Hey, you have to be careful when you touch her. Tell her first."

"Why? What happens if I don't?"

"She's a mutant. She has memory manipulation powers that could accidentally erase everything you've ever known, and replace them with memories that aren't really yours. She helps victims of things like this to forget what they've seen. Just...tell her everything you're going to do before you touch her." Steve watched for a moment as the medic worked, content with how well she was following his direction and that you still seemed to be responding to the treatments. He allowed himself a quick sigh of relief before the next call to action came in.

"Cap! We need help with an extraction over here!"

"Okay, (Y/N), I'll be back in a few minutes. You're in good hands." With that, Steve stood and grabbed his shield, running into the thick dust that was billowing between the buildings, and into the sounds of a battlefield that you hoped to forget as easily as you could make others leave it behind. He was gone for a mere ten minutes at best, but that was all that was needed; when his battered and bloodied form emerged from the haze again to be at your side, you were gone.

~~~

As it would turn out, Sam made good on his promise; Steve had mouthed off one more time, which was one time too many, and he was grounded to the quinjet while Wilson and Parker followed the lead that had brought them there. It was torture to sit there and wait, allowing his mind to wander into territory that he had no business in, showing himself any and all options as to how you might be found. It was a rare sight in his imagination that you would be brought back home alive, and no matter how hard he shook his head to clear the pictures away, they only grew more vibrant. No matter how loudly he cursed himself for what he was seeing, they were drowning his voice away. The only thing that saved him from himself was the welcome sound of Sam's voice over his comm.

"Steve...we've got her."

~~~

The trip back to the compound was remarkably silent once you were safely on board; Sam had laid you across the bench of seats where Steve had been sitting, leaving him to sit on the floor in front of you with his eyes never wavering. He was searching you from head to toe, taking a mental inventory of the injuries that he could see, taking into account that there were likely more that he couldn't, and you had yet to say even a single word to anyone. He wanted to say so many things, to apologize, to beg for your forgiveness, and to ask if you held any trust for him anymore, but he decided that these things weren't important right now; he had to find his solace in seeing you with his own eyes when his mind had prepared him for the worst.

When the jet came in for landing at the compound, Steve stood and lifted his hands slowly towards you, waiting for your silent approval that he could continue. His hands slid gently beneath you, lifting you to his chest securely; the feeling of your body trembling in his hold stabbed at his heart and only made his guilt that much heavier. As his feet left the ramp of the jet, he looked up to see Tony standing in the distance, watching silently to see you come home. Steve thought that he was there to see you, but the reality he didn't realize was that Tony was there because he understood what Steve was feeling like no one else would.

Steve stayed by your side as your wounds were cleaned and dressed, he fed you when you wouldn't do it for yourself, and he carried you to your room when you finally began to drift off to sleep. He waited just outside the door while Natasha helped you into your pajamas for sleep, and he helped pull the blankets over you when he had you settled into bed before taking position in a chair by your window. In your first hours back home, you remained silent, but he waited; he knew that you'd say something when you were ready, and he was determined to be there.

"Steve?"

"Hey," he perked up, standing to hurry to your side, "I'm right here."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Taking care of me."

"No," he answered quickly, emphatically shaking his head in denial, "no, don't thank me, (Y/N). Please, don't. This is all my fault. None of this would have ever happened if I stayed where I was supposed to. I promised you that I would be there. I was your partner, and I left you. Don't thank me, (Y/N)."

It hurt you to see him berating himself this much, and to see how much he hated himself as he sat in front of you; it wasn't fair, and you didn't believe it at all. Steve wasn't to blame for this, you knew that, and there was only one option that you could see to help him move forward. Your only option now was to move forward after the capture and torture that you had survived over these months, so you allowed him the same opportunity. "Steve, give me your hand."

He did it without question, and you were relieved for this. If he would have taken the second needed for his mind to catch up, he may have pulled it away before you could do it. You saw his entire demeanor change as your mind connected to his, the curves and wrinkles of a tense expression smoothing and his eyes growing warmer and softer as you looked into them. You were taking his pain away, even if yours had to remain, because sometimes, that's just how love works.

Part 2

In the next month that followed after your rescue and return to the compound, you kept a low profile and had yet to return to duty with the team. It wasn't purely by your choice alone, as Steve wouldn't allow it even if you had wanted to. You had been effective at clearing the memories from his mind that had left him riddled with guilt before your rescue, but the man knew you too well; despite your best efforts to act as normally as you could when he was nearby, he couldn't shake the feeling that something more was going on with you and he was keeping you grounded until he could figure it out.

Tony had been kind enough to set up appointments for you with his therapist when he saw the signs of anxiety coming to life, learning from his own past mistakes of leaving them untreated for far too long. He had agreed to keep them a secret between the two of you, knowing that if Steve were to find out, he would be unrelenting in his questions until he could finally break any of them down to get his answers. Steve cared about you, that was obvious; the hardest part of it all, beyond even the traumas that you had experienced, was that you loved him and he didn't know. You took his memories away because of your love for him, but that could be the very thing that would keep him from ever loving you back if he knew what you had done without his consent. It could be the very thing that would take him from you forever.

After today's appointment, the drive back home from the city felt like it was taking longer than usual, the roads extending endlessly beyond each curve, and the car moving at a turtle's pace compared to the usual speed that Tony enjoyed. The drive had felt as if it had gone on so long, in fact, that you had drifted off and into a nap before you had barely reached the first mile outside of Manhattan.

As he drove in complete silence, other than the gentle rhythm of your breaths as you slept, Tony fed his internal turmoil with the problem he faced with taking this role in your life. He knew how Steve felt about you, and how you felt about him, but it wasn't his place to interfere. He already felt like he was stepping across some perceived line in the sand, and once everything would come to light, as it always did, he would be facing a wrath that he didn't welcome.

Despite the future beating that he might receive from the Captain, it wouldn't change what he was doing for you right now. He had spent a few nights in your room, sitting by your window and watching over you after a night when he passed by your door to hear you crying in your sleep. It wasn't a rare occurrence for the team to see him at your side on the couch on movie night, not doing anything suspicious, but just always there. When the team would go out on a mission, he was sure to check in on you first, and you were the first one he greeted when they returned. It was all because he cared, and he was trying to help; you knew that's all it was, and that his own experiences made him the right guy for the job.

But after a few short weeks, the team picked up on it, a few of them at a time, and the whispers began. As soon as you and Tony learned about their suspicions, you took each of them on, working your way through the group until you had come clean with everyone, begging them to keep this from Steve. He couldn't know that you had cleared his memories because he hadn't asked you to, and it could ruin your friendship; if there was no chance of him loving you back, you had to keep at least this much.

On the final turn into the compound, Tony gave you one more look, enjoying the peacefulness that he saw and taking that feeling onto himself, as if being next to you this way was a part of his own therapy. He hated to wake you and to take the respite from you, reluctantly about to give you a gentle shake to alert you that you were home when he stopped short of connecting. That final turn had a different view than normal, this time one that bolted him up in his chair and sent a wave of anxiety through him. It was a feeling that locked his gaze on the super soldier standing in his path in front of the garage door, arms tightly folded over his chest and his jaw set. For all Tony knew, Steve could have been standing there for hours, and the idea of that made him more nervous than ever; either he now knew what you had done with his mind, or he had finally caught up to what the team around him had already misconstrued between the two of you. As he got closer to the garage and the unavoidable confrontation, Tony wasn't sure which option was worse. He slowed his approach and put up a hand to try to calm his teammate, pulling the car up to his side and reluctantly putting the window down to greet him.

"Hey, she's asleep," Tony whispered, "so if you want to yell at me for something, can I at least get her up to her room before you get started?"

"I can take her up to her room."

"Could I maybe get a hint about what's going on first?"

"This is between me and (Y/N), Tony." Steve gave him a second to retort, but when he only received Tony's silent compliance, he moved to the passenger side of the vehicle and opened the door to allow himself access. You barely stirred when his hands slipped beneath you to lift you to him, even in your sleep feeling comfortable as he held you, but it was the mumble of Tony's name under your breath that left him ready to put you back in the car before never looking back.

"Cap, I swear," Tony quickly interjected, "nothing is going on here. I promise you that, okay? Just talk to her."

Steve paused, looking from Tony and to you, considering what his next move would be. None of the thoughts in his mind were giving him any solace and all he could see were the ideas that had cultivated over the past weeks with every time he saw the two of you together. Seeing you in the car with Tony today was the final straw, and he was ready to walk away. The two of you had been best friends for years, and even if you didn't want more, he had trusted that you would tell him about something this big if you were with Tony now, but all he was getting was your avoidance and he didn't understand. "You promise?" he finally asked quietly. "Nothing?"

"I'm her friend, Steve. That's all."

"Yeah, well...so was I."

~~~

Even in your unexpected slumber, you knew that the way you were moving wasn't within Tony's arms. You could hear each floor pinging as the elevator continued to lift towards yours, and with each passing second, you grew more fearful about opening your eyes to see the truth that you already knew was fact. It had to be Steve, and you were suddenly terrified to be so close to him. You tried to not move, but you had clearly failed when he must have sensed a shift in you as you woke, because he was the first to speak. His voice was soft and sad, and barely audible, but the stab in your heart at the sound of it was as painful as anything else you had ever felt.

"What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything, Steve."

"Then why are you pushing me away?"

"Steve, I'm-"

"Don't say that you're not, (Y/N). This is your chance to tell me the truth, okay, and we don't lie to each other. This is your chance to give me the answer that I already know."

Now you didn't know which way to take this. Did he know what you had done? Did someone on the team lose their resolve to keep your secret? Who did he break? You did your best to hold it together, swallowing the lump of emotions that choked your voice away so that you couldn't answer even if you could come up with something that would make sense. You were thankful that he was still so in tune to you when he didn't push; the door to the elevator opened and he stepped out to turn towards your door without another word. He brought you to your bed and gently set you down, but you quickly shifted and pushed yourself to sit back against the headboard, forcing yourself to look at him as he stood by your side.

"(Y/N)," he sighed, pushing his hands to his hips and dropping his gaze to his feet, "they were mine. Those memories...what I did-"

"I'm sorry-"

"Give them back."

"No."

"No?"

"No, I won't," you said again, determined and ready to hold your ground. "Steve, you took all of that on yourself. You thought that my disappearance was all your fault, and when I was found, you were like I've never seen you before. You would barely look at me because you were hurting and tearing yourself apart. I could see it in your eyes and it was just too much. It hurt me so much to see you like that, so no, I'm sorry, but I won't give that back to you. You can't make me do it."

"I didn't ask for you to do that, (Y/N)."

"No, you didn't," you quickly argued. You stood to make your point with more emphasis, and your sudden shift made him take a step back in response. "You didn't ask me, but you would never have asked me, would you? Even when you were suffering under that weight, knowing how easily I could help, you would never consider it."

"It wasn't for you to fix!"

"It wasn't your fault!"

"I left you when I promised that I wouldn't," he continued, "and then after I came back, I left again."

"You were doing your job, Steve! It would be ridiculous for me to think that you would leave that behind just to hold my hand. Please, give me a little more credit than that. I'm not that weak."

"I didn't say that you were."

"It was implied."

Steve paused and blinked out of his own anger, his expression washing away to leave him dumbfounded at the accusation. Never once had he thought you anything but one of the strongest people on the team, let alone anyone he had known, and the idea that you didn't know that left him without anything to say. After what you had just been through, he had never believed it more than right now; when he allowed his emotions in and made the Captain within him just shut up for once, he realized that by helping him when he wouldn't help himself, you were stronger than ever.

"Steve, listen, I did what I did...I did it because..." you stammered, "because I...I..."

"I love you, too." He stood perfectly still, his body frozen with the fear that he had just made a leap off of a cliff and to his death as you only stared back without reciprocating. His heartbeat was deafening now, and he began to feel like time was coming to a screeching halt as he waited for you to say something, anything, that would make the clock move again. "Um...so that was...that didn't...what I meant to say was..." he stopped with a heavy sigh, turning around with a quick step towards the door, "you know what, I'm just gonna go..."

"The last time you turned away from me, when you turned back, I was gone. Please don't turn away again."

He stopped cold, but he didn't turn to face you; he didn't want you to see the color draining from his features at your words. "What?"

"I was lying on the ground, barely conscious. You told me that you'd be right back, but before I saw you again, everything went black. When I woke up, I didn't know where I was. But Steve, every day when I opened my eyes, no matter what kind of torture they had ready for me, I always held on to the hope that it would be the day that you would find me. That you would keep your promise to always come back. You kept that promise and now I'm home."

"At least tell me...how long were you gone?"

"Six months."

His breath held with a sharp inhalation, his lungs filled with pain and shock at what he had so easily forgotten; you had taken away six months just to ease his mind, yet you still carried it yourself. You had chosen to diminish his suffering yet yours remained, and he couldn't understand why. "(Y/N), I want you to give them back. If you love me like I hope to God that you do, then you'll understand why I need to remember. I need to have those memories back so I can keep this from ever happening again."

You did love him, and with his brave leap of faith to say it first, you followed his lead and felt like you could say it back; more so, you felt the strength to give him what he was asking for, because you knew that no matter how hard it would be for him to see again, you would be at his side to help him through. "I do love you, Steve. Forgive me."

Steve's back was still turned to you as you approached, but you were sure that he heard your movements. Even when your hands landed on his arms and held him steady, he didn't respond until the sensation of your entry into his mind jolted him straighter. You didn't know how he would take the sudden onslaught of memories that had once been his so you tried to be ready, but when his knees buckled beneath him you barely had the strength to keep him from hitting the floor with a force that would have woken the dead.

"It's okay, Steve, I've got you. I've got you. Just breathe through it. You're okay."

"I can't..."

"Breathe, Steve," you encouraged softly, stroking his hair as you shifted his head onto your lap, "it's a lot to take all at once, but your mind will catch up and begin to slow. I'm so sorry that I've put you through this."

"I can't...I can't go through that again," he panted, his eyes squeezed shut, "it's too much."

"I know, I'm sorry. I never should have taken your memories without your permission. I wanted to help because it was so hard to watch you suffering because of me."

"No, (Y/N), that's not what I mean." Steve stopped and tried to focus his mind away from the barrage of images and emotions that were once his and now again, trying to push his conscious self back to the surface where he could be present with you. He had never experienced his mind so muddled and broken as this, but he kept his focus on the sound of your voice and knew that he would find his way. "I can't lose you like that again. You were gone for so long, and I tried to find you...I tried, I promise. I tried everything...I looked everywhere, I swear that I did."

"I know you did. Please, just focus on being here now. Open your eyes and look at me, Steve."

Your fingers slid through his tousled hair slowly as you watched his eyes open, hesitantly and with a pain in them as if he had been staring at the sun for too long. His hand shot up to cover them, trying to rub away the sting of emotions that were about to spill forth, but he decided instead to let them go, and tears began to run freely down his face.

"I'm right here. You found me, okay? I'm here, Steve. Please, you have to open your eyes and look at me or your mind could be stuck in those memories forever. You have to fight your way through them."

When his eyes opened again, this time he didn't cover them to protect himself, and he looked right at you without shying away. His emotions were still hard for him to control, but he didn't care; they were tears of relief at the sight of you after travelling through the last six months in the flash of a moment. You were keeping him grounded and he understood that he had never needed you more. He had spent years lying to himself, seeing you as his friend when he saw you as so much more, but he had hidden behind his fears just as he would hide behind his shield in battle. It was a mistake that he vowed to never make again.

"I'm here," he answered, daring a small smile when your eyes met, "I came back."