Angst Warning

The Avengers tower was shaking. The foundation it sat on was struggling to maintain it's weight and the blasts hitting it from each side cracked up the walls and crumbled the supports that kept it a part of the New York skyline. It was a skyline that was about to forever be changed. The tower was falling.

The sounds of cracking plaster and bending metal were deafening, but you could still hear your target. You could hear the cries of your daughter on the floor above. Steve was three floors below you and had no way to get to her; you were her last chance. A primal fury grew in your chest as you pushed forward, desperately climbing the shards of glass that now were like daggers shooting out from the walls that stood between you and her. There was no pain; no sense of the tearing of your skin on the jagged blades, no sting from the burns of hot metal as you grabbed hold to pull yourself closer to her. You only knew of your need to reach her.

Steve screamed for you from below, but you didn't hear him. Your mind pushed him away, unable to feel fear for both your husband and your daughter. Steve was going to be okay.

The building rocked again, tossing you slightly with it but you maintained your grip somehow, despite the blood that coated your hands. With panting breaths you closed your eyes, trying to rebuild your wavering strength, furious that your body would dare to betray you now, but another loud cry was all you needed to renew your resolve. Pulling your battered body over the final mound of debris, you finally saw her and felt a small sense of relief. She was dirty and terrified, but you didn't see any injuries as you frantically looked over her small body. When you lifted her, she felt weightless; you ran back towards Steve with a speed that you never knew you had.

"(Y/N)!" he yelled again, tripping and nearly losing his balance as the tower shook, dodging a large mass of concrete that smashed into pieces next to him. It was the once-safe landing that you needed to escape, leaving nothing but an empty space below you. You clutched your daughter to your chest and kissed her head, whispering 'I love you' and how you would always be with her, looking down at Steve from above.

"Steve! Can you catch her?!"

His eyes widened in terror at the thought of his tiny daughter being thrown to him and the risk that he might miss. But it was the only option that the two of you had. "Do it!" He got as close as he could to the precipice that barely held your weight and opened his arms, holding his breath as he watched; he watched his nine-month-old daughter flailing in mid-air until his strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her to his chest. Seeing her finally safely in his arms, the pain in your body gripped you and almost dropped you to your knees.

"(Y/N), jump!"

You took a step back to prepare for a jump that you feared you would never make, but when you glanced out the window you saw one of the enemy planes taking aim. Your instincts again took over your mind and your need to protect them clouded your judgment. "Steve, just go! Get her out of here!"

"No! Not without you!"

The missle was ejected and heading towards you too quickly to decide. If you jumped, Steve would have to set her down to catch you, and there was no guarantee that you wouldn't hurt him in the process, leaving you all at risk. If he tried to hold her and reach for you, he could drop her. If he fell, he would be lost. You looked down at him, meeting his eyes that were full of panic, and gave him a gentle smile. Just before the strike hit that would bury you in ruble hundreds of feet below, you called out to him one last time.

"Steve, don't let her remember this. Don't let her forget me."

Part 2

After a long day at the office, sitting at a desk and staring at the inane data on a far too bright computer screen, all you could concentrate on was the ache in your feet from ridiculous shoes and the urge to move. You weren't made for office work, that was certain. Your body argued with you every day that you dropped into your office chair, screaming for you to get up and move. It had been this way for as long as you could remember, but you weren't really sure why; your office mates frequently commented on your speed when you would walk to lunch together, or your quick reflexes in that you never dropped anything...ever. Your vision was incredibly sharp and you never missed a single word of office gossip with your on-point hearing ability; but this driving need to move was almost to the point of annoying.

"Hey," you whispered to your cubicle neighbor, "I'm gonna bust out early. I can't sit here for one more minute or I'm gonna lose it."

"Just go take a walk or something," she offered with a dismissive wave in your direction, barely taking her eyes from her own screen, "it's only 3:30. You're going to get fired one of these days if you keep skipping work."

"Fine by me. I hate this job."

"Say it louder," she whispered with a chuckle, "you might just get your wish."

You all but ripped the offensive high heels from your feet and tossed them into your bag, more than happy to slip on your favorite running shoes, letting out a contented hum of approval as they formed around your feet as if they were a part of you that had been missing. "Oh yeah, that's the stuff right there."

"You're weird."

"You're not wrong." With a fast glance around the room to see if your boss was anywhere in sight, you waved your goodbye and began your escape. Before you could get more than a few steps, you heard her voice approaching from around a nearby corner. A small panic hit you, but you dropped to the floor and rolled into the cubicle next to you, looking up at one of your coworkers who was shocked at the sight of you under their desk.

"(Y/N), trying to make a break for it again I see?"

"Yes, Tom, now please, don't ruin this for me," you whispered back, trying your best pout.

"What's in it for me?"

"I'll...make you lunch for a week." Tom wasn't a slight man, and you knew that food was always a win to get him to do just about anything.

He put a thoughtful hand to his chin for a second, considering your offer, "make it two."

"Fine," you huffed, closing your eyes and waiting to hear the clicking heels of your boss to pass. "Is she gone?"

"Yep, you're clear," he nodded, avoiding looking in your direction. "I'll take a turkey club with a piece of chocolate cake tomorrow, thanks."

"Mmm hmm," you barely acknowledged, "see ya tomorrow then." Standing quickly and running as lightly and quickly on your feet as you could manage, you breathed a long sigh of relief when the elevator arrived, but once again, those damn heels were clicking in your direction. "Crap, crap, crap," you muttered, looking for the nearest stairwell.

Your eyes locked on your target on the far side of the office and you immediately set your path to get there. Holding against the wall silently until she turned away, you scurried back to Tom, crawling under his cubicle and to the next, standing long enough to run about half way to your destination before she moved again. Ducking around a few file cabinets, you hid for a moment, finally seeing your opportunity to run. As you took off to find freedom, a supply cart was pulled out in front of you; without a second thought, you pushed a foot against the nearby wall, lifting you into the air with enough height to clear it and land on the other side as if it were completely ordinary to do so.

"That was easier than I thought," you smiled, throwing the door open and not looking back.

~~~

The sidewalks were packed tight, but you didn't mind at all; a bit of anonymity was welcome to you, and you felt secure in the crowd. It was mostly business people and tourists at this time of day, but there was always a tiny hope in your heart that you might get a glimpse of one of the Avengers strolling down Park Avenue. Your office was only two blocks from the massive tower that held the team, and your curiosity ran wild every time you saw it. It might have been one of the reasons that you took such a terrible job in the first place.

Standing at the intersection and waiting for your clearance to walk, you checked your office email on your phone just to be sure that you hadn't been caught on your way out, though a part of you hoped that you were and they would just fire you already. Out of the corner of your eye, a stroller with a girl of maybe two years pulled up next to you; she was babbling on about something, and you were drawn to hear what she had to say.

"I totally agree with you, kid," you replied quietly, smiling back when pulled her hand out of her mouth with a wide grin and tiny white teeth, "work is for the birds. You've got the life, believe me."

"Hello," the man who you assumed was her dad greeted, drawing your attention up and away from the little one. As your eyes met his, your jaw practically hit the concrete in shock at who you were seeing; you never thought that you would actually meet an Avenger like you had dreamed that you would. "I'm...Steve..." he gasped.

His face turned immediately white as a sheet, as if he had seen a ghost. To him, he had. The tower crumbled around him two years ago, burying you under it as it fell. He watched you fall with it after tossing your now two-year-old baby to him, and the rescue team told him that you were unrecoverable. To everyone you had ever known, you were dead; but somehow, by some miracle, here you were.

There you were; with no memory of your own husband and child right next to you on that busy sidewalk, or your life as an Avenger in the tower that cast its heavy shadow over you now. "Oh my god, you're Steve Rogers!" you exclaimed, almost giddy with a squeal in your voice. "You're Captain America!"

~~~

It took absolutely no convincing at all for Steve to get you to agree to a cup of coffee, now that you had bailed out of work and had the miracle of finding him right in front of you. Walking next to him now had your heart racing, and when you glanced up at him he was always already looking back. If this were any ordinary man you would feel uncomfortable at the attention, but this man could never make you feel any other way than completely smitten.

Steve brought you to a small shop that Tony had built just down the block from the tower, choosing a quiet corner table for the three of you so that he could have you to himself. He wanted nothing more than to grab you in his arms and explode with all of the emotions that he had worked so hard to control over the past two years. It took countless hours of therapy for him to stop seeing you fall every time he closed his eyes. He had lost months of sleep, between the trauma of your loss and caring for a tiny baby on his own, but in this moment now, it didn't matter.

As he sat quietly, all but ignoring his coffee, he watched you interacting with a child that you didn't realize was your own, his heart breaking at the sight and the million questions in his mind. He wanted to know everything, and he wanted to know right now, but given your lack of memory he didn't want to scare you away out of fear of losing you again. He decided to play it as cool as he could until he could talk to the rest of the team, particularly Bruce.

"How old is she?"

"Um...she just turned two," he replied, snapping back into the moment. "I'm gearing up for that terrible part that everyone has been warning me about."

"You could never be terrible!" you said to the little one, tickling her gently under her chubby chin. You had an ease and familiarity with her that you didn't question, but one that Steve couldn't resist watching. "What's her name?"

"Liliana, but we all just call her Lily."

"So cute," you cooed, breaking up a small piece of your pastry to give to her. "Is this okay?"

"Mmm hmm," he nodded, "if you don't share, she'll probably start chewing on your fingers, be warned. She's gotten more than one good nip on Clint."

Several minutes of silence went by as you continued to feed Lily, with Steve watching every move intently. Every nuance of your mannerisms and the inflection in your voice hadn't changed at all, and he was mesmerized; even when you stopped and looked at him directly, he didn't balk. "I'm sorry about your wife," you offered softly, "I remember reading about the accident in the Times on the one-year anniversary. I can't imagine..."

Every fiber and cell in his body wanted to scream that it was you; he could feel the energy surging through him with such force that he had to grip the seat of the chair to hold himself in place. It took an enormous will and self-control to answer you without letting it all go, struggling to keep his voice calm, "it was the worst day of my life. But thank you."

Again, silence was all that filled the void between you, with the exception of the occasional squeal or laugh from Lily that brought music to Steve's ears with your own. The more he thought about the chances, the more he couldn't believe his luck in that he would run into you on that crowded street corner on a day when you shouldn't have been there. If the sidewalk hadn't been blocked on the other side, he would have been there instead of finding himself next to you. He had almost had himself talked into it being a devious plan to turn you against him, but he was falling into the pattern of doubt and conspiracy that Hydra had instilled in him by what they had done to Bucky. It was too similar.

Once he had shaken off the thought, he told himself just to enjoy being with you again after so long. No matter how or why you were here again, you were here, and he wouldn't take one second for granted. If trouble came with you, then he would deal with it. As long as you were here.

"So...you work close by?"

"Yeah," you smiled, glancing up from the little girl, "it's just a dumb office job. Boring as hell."

"If you don't like it, why do you stay?"

"I like to eat."

He laughed aloud at your honesty and quick wit of a reply, though even when the sound filled the room, it didn't escape you when the joy didn't meet his eyes. "I can see how that would be a great motivator. Do you live nearby too?"

"Are you stalking me already, Captain?" you smirked, finding an ounce of bravery. "We only just met, so you can't be that enamored so quickly?"

Oh, if you only knew, he thought, gently taking his coffee in hand to sip at the cooled off liquid with a grimace. "You certainly make it easy to be," he muttered to himself, hoping that you hadn't heard him once the words were spoken, but you did. "So, um...if you could do anything else other than that boring as hell job, anything in the whole world, what would you do?"

"Hmm, that's a first date question," you replied quietly, searching your mind for the right answer. So many thoughts and images began to flood your mind as you ran through possibilities, but one kept coming back. One particular image kept pushing its way forward and through all of the others. One image carried with it a yearning need that the others didn't. It was an image that belonged to him, but one that you carried with you; reaching into your bag, you searched until you found your keys, pulling them out to dangle the red, white and blue shield charm for him to see.

"I would be an Avenger."

Part 3

When Steve gave the offer to meet the other Avengers in person, you definitely couldn't say no; not only because it was a dream come true, but because the look he was giving you was almost as if he were begging you to say yes. He had excused himself to call the team to let them know that you were coming by, saying that he wanted to be sure that they weren't busy and so that you could properly meet them.

"Tony," Steve whispered to his friend on the other end of the line, "I'm freaking out and I need your help. I've found (Y/N)." Silence was the answer that Steve received at first, and he knew exactly how crazy he was sounding, but he believed that once the team saw you for themselves, they would be as certain as he was that it was really you.

"Okay..." Tony sighed, though very shakily, "I'm just going to go with this for now, because I'm not sure what else to say to that. What do you need?"

"I'm bringing her by. She doesn't remember who she is or who we are, and she's been living this whole other life for the past two years. She's with Lily right now and has no idea that she's her own daughter."

"Son of a bitch."

"Yeah, I was at that point about two hours ago," Steve replied quietly, still watching you carefully, "now I'm somewhere between relieved and terrified. Can you prep the team for what they're about to see? I don't want to scare her away."

"Done."

"And maybe see if Banner has a way to scan her without her knowing?"

"Got it," Tony answered eagerly. "We'll figure this out, Cap. Just bring her home."

Steve nodded silently, the phone still pressed to his ear. He watched you laughing with his daughter, with your daughter, and felt as if he were being torn in half. His chest felt like it was being crushed, and he couldn't breathe; even Tony picked up on the change in his pattern and heard the hitch in Steve's chest.

"Cap? Steve? Steve, listen to me," he urged, "we're going to figure this out. Just try to focus and get her to us, okay? Steve?"

"Tony..." he finally answered, holding back his panic, "I'm scared."

~~~

Seeing the tower on the inside, and not just through wide and hopeful eyes as you passed by on the sidewalk, as you had done nearly every day, was beyond anything that you could have imagined. It felt familiar and comfortable right away, giving you relief that you weren't fangirling too hard over it. Steve stood behind you to let you get a full view, but what you didn't see was his hand dancing over his phone to alert Tony that you were there; they would send in the team only a few at a time as to not overwhelm you.

"Well, this must be (Y/N)?" Tony smiled as he finally approached, reaching his hand out eagerly. "What do you think of our little home so far?"

"Little?" you laughed, still looking around to the upper levels. "It's remarkable, Mr. Stark."

"Hey, if you don't call me Tony, the tour ends now." When you finally stopped and looked at him fully, you were taken aback by the sadness in the man's eyes, though he still held his smile. It was a confusing disconnect that left you worried that your presence here might not be welcome after all.

"Tony," you nodded. "I'll do my best to remember."

Clint and Natasha approached next, each of them carefully greeting you as to not seem familiar, but all Clint could think about was how much he wanted to hug you and shake you back into your memory somehow. Everyone had gone through their own grieving at your loss, but he had never quite found his way to the other side of it. He hadn't experienced the loss of a teammate so close to him, and to see you alive without your memory of him actually hurt almost as much as the day you left his life.

Thor entered the room after the pair, but stopped at the sight of you. He took a deep breath to steady himself, but it didn't help; he was still caught in his own self-loathing from the experience two years ago. He was supposed to have been at the tower that day but was delayed, missing the attack that toppled it. To this moment, he had blamed himself for not being there because he could have saved you, and he had let down his friend in the process. He had watched Steve suffer without a way to ease his pain, and he wouldn't stand by now and watch Steve suffer again to be next to you this way, not knowing yourself. Thor turned and walked away, unable to continue.

"Hi, (Y/N)," Bruce greeted as he gently shook your hand, "I'm Bruce. It's nice to meet you."

"You too," you replied eagerly, shaking his hand with a little too much vigor. "I'm a big fan."

"Really?"

"Yes, I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster."

"Holy shit," Tony muttered under his breath, covering his mouth to stifle a laugh, "she hasn't changed."

"Tony, quiet," Steve warned, slapping his arm soundly.

"Thanks," Bruce replied with a feeble grin and an awkward glance around the group. "Maybe later I can give you a tour of the lab? Tony and I have a few new projects underway if you'd like to be one of the first to see?"

"That would be great! Steve," you paused and turned to him, "would that be okay?" You rested a hand on his arm as you waited for his reply, wondering to yourself why he suddenly looked uncomfortable. Cautiously pulling your hand away, you took a small step back.

"Sure," he finally answered, "but you don't have to ask me first. You can do whatever you want to, (Y/N)."

"Well, you invited me, so I don't want to seem rude. You also promised that I could see the shield later," you smiled, again comfortable and nudging him with your shoulder. "So no trying to get out of that, Cap."

"This has to be killing him," Clint whispered to Nat, turning away. "She's exactly the same. Her movements, the way she talks, everything. And for a woman who supposedly just met him, she's so at ease already. Somewhere inside of her, she knows."

"I know," Natasha nodded, still watching you, "But I'm almost more worried about him than her. What if he slips and says the wrong thing?"

Lily broke the group's concentration with a cry from her stroller, reaching up almost frantically for someone to rescue her from it. Without a second thought, you reached down and lifted under her arms, swinging her around playfully with a laugh to change her mood, bringing her to a rest in your hip as she calmed.

"Jesus Christ," Tony gasped, leaning close to Bruce, "how can he just watch her like that? He's gotta be losing his mind right now. We need to fix this, Banner. Get her into the lab so we can scan her. Keep it stealthy."

Steve watched quietly, smiling on the outside while he stood next to you, his gaze darting around the group for a second to see them looking only at him. He shook his head and raised a dismissive hand, trying to convey that he was okay, when in reality, he was barely hanging on. He couldn't let you see that though, because his fear of driving you out the door was beyond anything else that he was feeling. It was beyond the overwhelming rush of love that he felt towards you, and beyond the relief that he was feeling just to know that you were alive.

If this was the person that you were going to be now, he would accept it; he would accept any version of you. All it meant was that he would have to start over. He would have to win you again, and he was ready to do anything it took to make that happen.

—

After a lengthy tour of the lab, Steve handed Lily off to Wanda for the evening so that he could focus on you, taking you first to the mission room that held his gear. He had promised you the shield, so that's what you would get.

"Pick it up," he nodded towards it. "You can't break it."

You stood still and a bit apprehensive, still disbelieving that you were actually here and thanking your luck that you had snuck out of work when you did. "Okay," you replied, holding your breath with anxiety, "if you're sure..."

Your hands slid into the first leather strap and then the next with ease, allowing you to lift it and hold it tight against your side. "How do I look?"

"Perfect," he whispered at first, before realizing his mistake with a nervous cough. "I mean, you look like a natural. Maybe we could make an Avenger out of you after all."

"Pfft, right," you scoffed, gently setting the shield back in place. "I don't think my Community Ed self defense classes qualify me for the job."

"Try me," he encouraged with a wide smile, walking to an open space in the center of the room. "Come on."

"You're not serious."

Steve suddenly darted forward, his hands out and reaching for you aggressively, making you instinctively drop your stance back to steady yourself for his strike. You spun your body away and raised your elbow to slam into his throat, tipping him back a step. As he coughed and lost his focus, you kicked out the back of his knee, dropping him onto his face on the cold ground.

"I guess you were serious," you smirked, reaching a hand down to help him up. "You okay, Cap?"

"I'm better than okay," Steve groaned, standing with a shake of his head, rubbing the spot of impact on his throat. He stood silently and regarded you for a moment, deciding his next move. His hand thrust forward again, this time grabbing your neck to spin you to get his arm around it, but you compensated, dropping low before he could secure his hold. You grabbed the hand that tried to make contact and twisted, putting all of your strength behind the momentum to flip him back into the floor again with a resounding hit.

"Community Ed?" he whined, pushing himself up. "Did you mean that you took the class or taught it? I'll sure as hell never piss you off."

"I could never be pissed off at you, Steve. You're too good of a guy."

"I have my moments, trust me."

"I'll believe it when I see it," you countered, dusting off the front of his shirt as if it had become commonplace to touch him. He sucked in a harsh breath at the sensation, but you didn't balk this time.

"Then I guess you'll have to stick around to see it," he said quietly with an uncertain waver in his voice. Feeling a sudden rush of confidence, he laid his hand over yours and wrapped his fingers tightly around it. "Maybe we could start with dinner and go from there?"

From the level above, Bruce and Tony watched, each with a tablet in hand with your scan results coloring their screens. "She's in there, Bruce, look at her," Tony sighed. "How do we reach her?"

"I don't know if we can. That part of her brain may be too damaged. It doesn't look good, Tony."

"Yeah, but it doesn't look impossible. I don't believe in impossible..." he stopped, his eyes widening as he turned to his friend with a few frantic slaps on his arm, "and I think I just had a brilliant idea, if I do say so myself."

—

"Oh, god," you sighed nervously, "I can do this. I can, I can, I can." Looking down at your chosen outfit for your first date with Steve, you considered changing again for the third time when you realized that no matter what you were wearing, you wouldn't think it good enough for you to be on his arm.

As if a sign, before you could even try to change to another outfit, there was a knock on your door, exactly on time just as you would expect from Steve Rogers. With one final pass by the mirror to be sure that you were really ready, you paused and took a deep breath to center yourself, trying to steady your shaking hand as it gripped the door handle to open it.

"Hey, Cap," you smiled, "you're five seconds away from being late."

Steve stood frozen in place, holding his breath at the sight of you. He was beautifully statuesque in his new suit that he had bought just for this, with his eyes full of warmth and what you could only call love as he stared. Nearly a full minute passed before he was finally broken free of his own trance, shaking his head gently and smiling in return. "Sorry, I don't mean to stare, it's just...you're stunning. Literally."

"Wow," you exhaled softly, "I don't know what to say."

"That color is perfect on you," he continued, his eyes glazed over with affection, "it always has been. Your hair is a little darker than it used to be, but it's still perfect."

"I'm sorry, what?"

Steve's attention immediately shifted from appreciation to outright fear, his eyes practically bulging from his head as he realized what a fatal error he had just made. "Um...what I meant was...well..."

"Steve, what do you mean, my hair is darker than it used to be?"

"Nothing! I didn't mean anything, I misspoke."

"Bullshit. Tell me right now what you meant or I'll slam this door in your face and you'll never see me again." You put your hand on the door to make your point more succinctly, making him jump forward to stand in your way.

"No, please, (Y/N), don't! I can't lose you again. I can't."

Part 4

"Steve! Can you catch her?!"

"Do it!" He got as close as he could to the precipice that barely held your weight and opened his arms, holding his breath as he watched; he watched his nine-month-old daughter flailing in mid-air until his strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her to his chest. Seeing her finally safely in his arms, the pain in your body gripped you and almost dropped you to your knees.

"(Y/N), jump!"

"Steve, just go! Get her out of here!"

"No! Not without you!"

The missile was ejected and heading towards you too quickly to decide. If you jumped, Steve would have to set her down to catch you, and there was no guarantee that you wouldn't hurt him in the process, leaving you all at risk. If he tried to hold her and reach for you, he could drop her. If he fell, he would be lost. You looked down at him, meeting his eyes that were full of panic, and gave him a gentle smile. Just before the strike hit that would bury you in ruble hundreds of feet below, you called out to him one last time.

"Steve, don't let her remember this. Don't let her forget me."

~~~

For the last two years, you had thought that it was just a recurring nightmare, even though it was terrifyingly realistic and the pain that you felt upon waking was genuine. You had been an avid fan and follower of the Avengers, so you rationalized the dream off as just an overactive imagination built of all that you would read and watch as you tracked their missions and watched the news every evening. You saturated yourself in their world as much as you could without actually being a part of it, and you had convinced yourself that you had gone too far when the nightmare wouldn't go away.

"Steve," you whispered now, taking a cautious and shaking step back, "I think I need you to leave."

"No, please," he pressed forward, "just let me explain-"

"Steve, I mean it. This is too much...I can't..."

He stopped in place, his hands up before him in an attempt to keep you calm, "okay...okay, just give me two minutes, please. Only two minutes and then I'll go." Steve could feel the panic building inside of himself and the desperate pounding of his heart against his chest. He was about to lose you again; he knew it. "I promise, just...please, two minutes."

Steve was standing inside of your door now, beyond the threshold to where you could just shut the door and block him out. He looked at you with eyes so filled with despair and panic that it only fed into your own fear and made you that much more desperate to get distance. If your nightmare was truth, something that you had actually lived, then your entire life that you now knew was a lie; the life that you had lost was everything that you wanted, but it was terrifying to consider. You didn't know the Steve standing in front of you like the one you did in your nightmare, but when he looked at you now, he saw you as the person you used to be, whoever that was.

"I'm not her, Steve," you continued, "I don't know who that person is. I thought they were just dreams..." you whispered, your voice trailing away shakily, "they can't be real..."

"But they are. You're my wife, (Y/N)," he finally blurted out as if he couldn't hold it another minute, "and Lily is your daughter. We lost you two years ago. Please...please, (Y/N), don't make us lose you now too."

The room began to spin and your knees weakened, making you reach out for the door next to him. He reflexively grabbed your arm to help but you shook it away, willing yourself to stay upright long enough to get him out of your sight. "Leave," you insisted. "Leave me alone, Steve. I can't do this right now. I can't do this." You pressed against his chest to push him away; normally it wouldn't be enough to move his large frame if he didn't want it to, but he agreed and took a few steps back out of fear of distancing you even further through noncompliance with your demands.

"(Y/N)-"

"Dammit, I said go!" you finally broke, slamming the door in his face. Once the barrier was in place between you, your body gave up and dropped you to the floor in a pile of sobs and tremors; your mind was racing through old dreams and new fears, so fast that you held your head in your hands in a futile attempt to slow them. You knew that he would still be on the other side of the door, hearing your tears, but you couldn't bring yourself to say anything more. It was all too much, and all too unbelievable.

It was everything that you wanted, and everything that you were too frightened to have.

~~~

After Steve had departed for his date with you, Clint took it upon himself to find Thor; he had watched his teammate leave the room before he could speak to you, and understood what the Asgardian was feeling, because he shared in it himself. Clint was one of the first out of the tower that day, focusing his attention on the attack against the Hydra team rather than making sure that the rest of his team had made it out before it fell. He had made the assumption that everyone would be able to get outside, and to this day, he acutely understood the failure that Thor was feeling.

"Hey, you alright?"

Thor was found in the library, sitting silently in a dark corner alone, leaning his arms over a table with his head in his hands. When Clint's voice brought him back to the present moment, he raised up with a quick wipe of his sleeve across his eyes and a quiet sniffle that didn't escape the archer's attention. "Yes," Thor replied with false confidence, "I'm well, thank you. Is there something that I can do?"

"Yeah, tell me what's going on with you."

"There is nothing going on with me."

"Okay, great," Clint nodded, taking the chair next to him, "then how about this? Let's go on the assumption that you're telling the truth, and just talk about what you thought about seeing (Y/N) again."

"I'm grateful that she has been found alive," he replied quietly and avoiding Clint's eyes, "as well as feeling relief for Steve with the hope that she will remember him."

"That was a really well-planned answer, Thor."

"What is it that you would have me say?"

Clint smiled gently and leaned forward, drawing his friend in to finally look back at him, "listen, I remember how hard that day was for you too, alright? Yeah, we were all a mess, but I distinctly remember your reaction, Thor. I honestly didn't think that we'd ever see you again."

"Yes, but that is not a current concern," Thor argued, "and the focus now is to be given to Steve and (Y/N). Any remaining feelings that I may have on those past events are irrelevant and should not be given your attention."

"I'm your friend, dumbass. Of course they're my concern. You're clearly still having a hard time, and I'm trying to show you a little support. You have to let that guilt go, man."

"Have you?" Thor snapped back. "Have you let go of the guilt of not being there to assist her in rescuing Lily so that she would not have fallen to what we believed to be her death? Have you released the guilt that you felt for so long when you watched Steve struggle with the pain of loss? Are you aware that I have not held their child in my arms since that day because I see only (Y/N) in her? You've told me that you still feel it, Clint, so why is it that you expect me to release it so quickly now?"

"Because she's not dead, Thor," Clint insisted, slamming his hand against the tabletop, "she's here."

"But she is not herself, either."

"Tony and Bruce will figure it out," Clint insisted, "and she will be."

"And if she remains this way? Steve will have lost her twice, and once again, we will have failed them all." Thor shook his head and stood, brushing against Clint as he passed by to make his way to the door. "I am certain that I will not remain to watch that happen a second time."

~~~

"No, that's not right," Tony growled, tossing his tablet on the workstation with a bang, "why can't we get this? I created the damn thing myself."

"Maybe that's why," Bruce offered, "give it to me." He readily took the delicate pair of glasses from Tony's hand and ran his own scanner over them. The readings came to life on a large screen in front of him as his eyes danced over them eagerly. "I think I see a part of the problem," Bruce whispered, almost to himself, his hand tapping in a few commands, "here, try it now."

Tony took the glasses back and studied the new results, "yeah, that helped a little, but they're still trying to block memories, not open them up. Maybe if we try to block her current memories, the old ones will resurface?"

"We'll get it, Tony, and when we do, you can look forward to coming up with a better acronym."

"What, you don't like BARF?"

"You do?"

"Tony!" Steve's voice echoed through the foyer and up into the levels of the tower, it's volume practically shaking the windows of the lab as he called out. Tony and Bruce ran out to the ledge that overlooked the level below, seeing Steve as he ran towards the stairs to meet them.

"Up here," Tony called back, "what happened?"

"She knows," Steve replied, his words frantic and spilling out as he took the stairs four at a time and nearly tripping over his own feet, "I screwed up, and now she knows. She kicked me out and won't let me talk to her, and I could hear her crying on the other side of the door but she wouldn't let me back in. I'm going to lose her again, Tony, I know it. I can't do this again."

"Okay, breathe, Cap," Tony answered, grabbing his friend's arms to hold him steady, "listen, we're close to getting BARF reversed. We think we can pull her memories back out with it if we can get it to work. Do you think she would listen to me if I tried to talk to her? If she won't talk to you, do you think that one of us has a shot?"

Steve was still panting as he listened, his body succumbing to the fear that was gripping him. The only thing that he could think of was the look on your face as the revelation hit you, and the feeling that he had only pushed you even further away. He was filled with a terror that he couldn't shake, and for Tony to ask him to focus was a tremendous joke that was nowhere near funny. "I don't know, maybe. I just...I can't think..."

"I'll go," Bruce offered gently. "I think that a softer approach might be needed here, and you two definitely aren't the first choice for that right now." He took the glasses in hand and folded them slowly, putting them into a case and snapping it shut before turning to look at the two men. "Besides, she's my biggest fan, right? That has to be useful somehow."

"She's a fan of the enormous green rage monster, remember?" Tony smirked. "Are you going in green? I think that might scare her even more than anything that Steve or I could bring."

"More than her instant husband and the guy who accidentally creates muderbots with an untested piece of tech to strap to her head?"

"Says the man who broke Harlem," Steve interjected.

"Fine," Tony sighed, throwing up his hands in defeat, "then who do you suggest? We're losing time here, and for all we know, she could be long gone already."

~~~

Wanda knocked gently on your door, the case given to her by Bruce in hand and looking each direction down the hallway of your apartment for anyone who might be nearby. When there was no answer, she tried again with a firmer hand, this time leaving her palm pressed against the old wood of your door as she tried to feel for your presence on its other side.

"Please be here," she whispered to herself as she searched with her mind, feeling despair when there was nothing there in return. She took a step back and covered the door handle in a red glow, forcing the knob to turn beyond it's lock to allow her inside.

She felt her heart sink at the sight before her; the apartment looked disheveled as if you had urgently thrown a few belongings together before going on the run, taking only a few necessities and personal items with you for light travels. Setting the case aside, she walked from room to room only to find the same thing, finally making her way into your bedroom to confirm her fears. There was a note on your pillow addressed to Steve as if you knew that he would return and break his way in to find you. She took the envelope gently from it's perch and into her hands, sliding her finger carefully under the fold to open it despite the reluctance to read something that wasn't for her eyes.

Steve,

I'm sorry. I can't be the person that you think that I am, or that I was.

She stopped and took in a harsh breath, closing her eyes and folding the paper closed without reading any further. Shoving it into her pocket she turned away to leave but was stopped by a glimmer of light that caught her eye, rolling from the pillow where she had found the letter; something must have been perched next to it that she hadn't seen in her haste to read the note. Wanda gasped when she realized what the item was, taking the delicate platinum band between her fingers and inspecting the brilliant stone at its center. It was the ring that Steve had given you, and you had it in your possession all this time.

Holding the ring in her hand as if it were the most valuable item in the world, Wanda ran as fast as she could back to the tower, and back to Steve, with more determination than ever to find you. She was convinced that somewhere in your mind, somewhere that they had to figure out how to reach, the real you was still in there and fighting to come back out.

Part 5

Warning: Traumatic Injury

After a month of searching, the team was beginning to lose hope that they would ever find you; if you had any knowledge inside of you from your days with the team, you would be nearly impossible to find. Your skills as a spy and as a fighter challenged those of Natasha, and you could become a chameleon into nearly any situation if you wanted to. You could be standing right next to any one of them at any given moment, and they wouldn't know it.

Steve was nowhere close to giving up, spending nearly every minute of the day in pursuit of you through clues that led to nothing. He followed each and every one until they were as exhausted as he was, and as each new clue came in, he chased it with a renewed fervor and belief that it would be the one to lead him to you. He would never give up now that he knew that you were alive and somewhere out there.

But within the next month, Steve would go missing too.

As Lily's godparents, Clint and Natasha changed their lives to accommodate her, refusing joint missions and taking turns caring for her needs throughout each day. They had already been helping Steve to care for her as he worked on clues, as was the rest of the team, but when they found his message that he was taking an extended trip to follow a lead, they knew that he wouldn't be back until you were with him. It was the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes that gave it away, according to Clint; it was the look of a man who had lost everything, including a little bit of his own mind.

"It would be easier for him if she was really dead," Clint groaned, pulling himself up as his alarm blared, the device meeting a fate of slamming against the far wall to silence it. "At least then he could move on."

"He'll find her," Natasha yawned, rolling over to pull the blankets over her head. "Steve's not gonna stop."

"That's what I'm afraid of, Nat. He'll never stop even when he should."

She rolled back to look at him, removing the blankets to reveal shock and anger in her expression, "you think he should stop? How can you say that? She's out there somewhere, Clint. We need to help her remember who she is, for both Steve and Lily."

"Yeah, and look at what's happening here," Clint snapped, "he's out there with no way for us to find him now, and their daughter is here without the one parent that she had left to rely on. He's abandoned his own kid."

"That's not true. He's doing this for her."

"You so sure about that?" He stood and dragged his weary form towards the bathroom, pausing at the door to look back at Natasha. She looked as if he had just slapped her in the face with his question, but he could see that she had gone through the same thought in her own time. "This is about Steve, Nat. If he doesn't find her, you and I both know that we'll never see him again."

~~~

Steve spent his days wandering the streets, searching every face that crossed his path in the hopes that he would find you in the same way that he had on that first day. He knew that it was a long-shot, but it was all he had. He had been to your office job more times than he could count; so much so that he didn't need to even take the elevator up to your floor anymore, but rather finding a daily note at reception with the same update that no one had seen or heard from you. Several of your coworkers had taken it upon themselves to start leaving care packages of things that they had baked or cooked for him after catching glimpses of the fatigued and weary Captain.

He would sit outside your apartment door, hoping for just a glancing sight of you if you decided to return, but with each passing day it became less likely. One day he finally broke, snapping the handle from the door to let himself in. The sight of your belongings, the smell of your perfume still in the air, and the few pictures that you had scattered around your room warmed him somehow, and he decided that he didn't want to leave. Your apartment quickly became is new home while he continued his search for you.

At the six-month anniversary of your second disappearance from his life, Steve finally gave up. He hadn't seen Lily in all that time, and it hurt to think of how many milestones and moments in her life that he had missed in just that short amount of time. Steve knew that Clint and Natasha would take care of her as if she were their own, but it was unfair of him to drop that burden on them like he did, and he needed to make amends. He needed to see his little girl again; every time he held her, he could feel you around him, and when he looked at her, it was your eyes looking back. If he couldn't have you there, he would at least find solace in the part of you that you had given him nearly three years before.

He quietly packed up the few random belongings that he had accumulated during his stay in your apartment, pausing to think of how he had come to own each one; several of them held stories of his mission to find you, giving him new memories to hold on to if nothing else. Steve quietly zipped the top of his pack closed and slung it wearily over his shoulder, standing at the door as he watched miniscule dust particles floating in the sunbeams that broke through your curtains. It was oddly mesmerizing, and as he stood there with his focus hazed, he nearly missed the call on the phone buzzing in his pocket.

"Yeah," he answered in a sigh, suddenly realizing that it was the first time he had taken a call from anyone on the team in months now that he had unblocked his phone. "Hey, listen, I'm sorry that I didn't-"

"Steve, there's been an accident," Tony broke in, his breaths uneven and his voice cracking, "we're on the way to the hospital and you need to meet us there. I need you to move as fast as you can, do you understand me?"

"What happened?" he replied, his demeanor immediately shifting to a full panic. "Tony, talk to me." Steve slammed the door shut behind him and raced down the building stairs until he landed on the sidewalk, turning toward Midtown and breaking into a full sprint. "Who is it? Is it Lily?"

The silence on the other end of the line was all the answer that he needed; in that moment, the relentless memory of you falling from his sight was replaced by a million different, terrible options as his mind began to torture him. The guilt of not being there for his daughter was quickly right behind the imagery, and by the time Steve reached the doors of the emergency room, he had himself convinced that he never deserved to be happy again.

~~~

Wanda sat silently with the rest of the team in the waiting room once Steve had arrived. Clint and Natasha were inconsolable, despite her offer to help them both; it was as if they felt that they deserved the pain and welcomed it. No matter how many times they were reassured that Lily's fall had been an accident, and that there was no way to avoid it, they wouldn't acknowledge it as truth and continued to dwell on what they could have done.

Tony looked nearly as shaken as they were, sitting silently in a far corner of the waiting room with tears in his eyes and dried blood on his shirt. He had been wringing his hands for so long that they lacked color and felt cold, but he continued on as if he couldn't stop. His mind was racing in too many directions for him to track, but each path only brought him to the same image of being unable to catch the little one as she fell, and the guilt of his incompetence.

Wanda decided that if Clint and Natasha wouldn't accept her help, maybe Tony would. As she stood to make her way across the lobby, she stopped with a loud gasp, turning quickly towards the large window at the front of the building. She dropped her coffee cup from her hand and spilled the hot liquid on her feet, though she didn't notice; there was only one focus on her mind and one goal to be met. To catch up with you as you passed by.

"(Y/N)!" she called out, desperately looking from right to left and searching the crowd on the busy sidewalk. "(Y/N), please! Please come back!" When she caught you turning your head towards her in her peripheral vision, she called out again, needing something to get you to stay, "Lily needs you, (Y/N)! She's been hurt!"

Your heart stopped and your stomach fell; you barely knew the girl, but you could still see her face if you closed your eyes; you could still hear the tiny giggles when you had tickled her chin. If she was really your daughter, as Steve had said, you would never forgive yourself if you didn't turn back as Wanda called out to you. You didn't know her, and you didn't know him, but you did know that the words from Wanda hurt like hell somehow, and you couldn't ignore them.

"Wanda," you panted, running back towards her, "what happened? Is she okay? What can I do?"

"Steve needs you, (Y/N)."

"I don't know if I can see him," you shook your head nervously, starting to back away. She grabbed your arm to hold you in place, just as Tony bolted from the door and onto the sidewalk with you, his face white as a ghost. "Tony...I don't know..."

"I promise you, (Y/N), if you can just do this for him now, you can go when it's all over," he begged, taking your hand. "Just for a while, please. You can go when they tell us that she'll be okay, and I'll make sure that no one ever finds you again, if that's what you really want."

You looked back and forth at the two, standing in front of you with so much pain and so much desperation in their eyes that you took it on yourself to feel it too. "Okay, just until then," you nodded, allowing Tony to lead you inside. You heard Clint and Natasha gasp aloud when they saw you, but you didn't stop to acknowledge them; you had only one focus, and it was Lily. She was the only reason that you agreed to this, and you weren't going to let anyone else sway you from your decision to leave once she was alright.

Tony gently pushed the door open to the tiny room that held Lily, allowing you to see Steve kneeling at the side of her gurney, one hand holding hers and the other gently pushing the hair from her face. If she hadn't been hooked up to so many monitors and without the large bandage circling her head, she would look like she was merely sleeping, and like Steve was simply saying his goodnights. You released Tony's hand and quietly stepped to the other side of the bed, taking her other hand in yours; Steve hadn't looked up immediately, keeping his focus on Lily, but when he heard a sniffle from your direction, he finally raised his head.

"(Y/N)?"

"Steve," you murmured, feeling a stinging lump building in your throat, "what happened to her?"

"(Y/N)," he repeated, "how...where..."

"I was walking by the building when Wanda yelled for me to come back because Lily was hurt," you whispered. With a gentle graze of your fingertips over the white gauze on her forehead, you leaned in next to her to press a kiss against her cheek. You felt the tears building in your eyes before they dropped onto her skin, your emotions building once you had contact with the little girl. You took a deep breath to take in her scent, sending your heart into a mix of joy at being next to her and terror at her unnerving stillness, and your chest began to ache.

"Mommy's right here, baby girl," you breathed into her hair, "I'm right here. You're going to be okay, I promise. Mommy and Daddy are here, Lily."

If Steve hadn't been holding on to the rail of the gurney, he would have fallen over at the words you had just spoken. He wasn't sure if he could believe his senses; they were what he wanted to hear you say, and it easily could have been his mind toying with him while he was compromised. He would readily admit that he had gone a little mad over the past few months, and this would be completely expected for him to be hallucinating.

"(Y/N), what did you just say?"

"What did the doctor say?" you asked quietly, not taking your eyes from her despite the urgency in Steve's voice. "What have they done so far?"

Steve couldn't take it anymore and finally stood, releasing Lily's hand to walk around the gurney; he cautiously took your arm to turn you, forcing you to look at him. "She fell down a flight of stairs at the tower," he replied calmly, much against how he was feeling inside and the turmoil churning in his stomach. "She has a concussion and a broken leg, and a few cuts and bruises. She'll need to stay here for a few days to make sure her brain is stable before they'll let her come home, but she should be okay."

"Okay," you sighed, turning back to her, though Steve still kept his grip. "Okay, that's good."

"(Y/N), look at me."

"She doesn't know me," you said, still not following his direction. "I've missed almost her entire life so far. So many firsts that I'll never get to see. So many things that you and I should have seen together." Once again, the tears refused to abate and they spilled freely at the new feelings coming to the surface; memories flooded your mind and sorrow filled your heart at everything you had lost. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there, baby," you whispered, "I told you that I'd always be with you, and I wasn't."

By now, Steve was in complete shock and unable to speak, watching you with his mouth agape at the scene right in front of him. Somehow, seeing your daughter here had triggered your mind; he didn't know how much of yourself had come back, but he didn't care.

"When I threw her to you that day," you continued, "I told her that I loved her and that I would be with her, but it was a lie, wasn't it?"

"No," he immediately jolted into action, "no, (Y/N), it wasn't a lie at all. You just forgot who you were for a while. But tell me, please...do you remember now?"

~~~

In the lobby on the other side of the door, Wanda felt the shift within the two of you and broke down, crying inconsolably as she sat on the floor with the team next to her in confusion. Tony thought the worst and grabbed her, turning her to face him urgently.

"Wanda, what is it? Is it Lily? Is she okay?"

"It's (Y/N)," she replied, now smiling through the tears running over her cheeks, "she's here."

"I know, I walked her into the room, remember?"

"No, Tony. She's here. She remembers." Wanda reached into a small pocket on the inside of her jacket, taking out the ring that she had been holding for you since the day she had found it. She carried it with her everywhere in the hopes that she would be able to return it to you, and now she was filled with excitement at her chance. "Excuse me," she said as she stood, wiping her eyes before making her way to Lily's room. Once at the door, she paused before knocking gently and awaited an answer.

"Come in," Steve replied, though when Wanda walked in, his eyes were only for you.

"I just wanted to leave something here for you," she hurried forward, reaching out to take his empty hand and put the ring in it, closing his fingers over it with a gentle squeeze. "I felt it was time." Without another word, she was gone before he could say anything in reply.

"Where did she-" Steve muttered to himself, turning it over in his hand. "How did she get this?"

"I had it," you replied for her, turning to look at him and the jewel that he was holding. "I couldn't remember how I got it, so I kept it thinking that I would figure it out someday. Looks like it finally happened."

"Do you want it back?"

"Do you want to give it back?" you countered, feeling an overwhelming wash of nerves as you waited for his reply.

"More than anything, you have no idea."

"I think I do, and I'm sorry that it took me so long," you replied, holding out your left hand, only to pull it back slightly before he could take it. "But I'm not all here yet, Steve. Promise that you'll be patient with me."

"I promise," he smiled, taking your hand and slipping the ring on. "I'll follow your lead." Once the ring was in place, you reached up to stroke his cheek, allowing him to lean in for the kiss that he had been waiting nearly three years for. But before you could connect, the door to the room opened with a wide swing, allowing your frantic Asgardian friend to rush to grab you into a crushing hug with excited relief.

"(Y/N), I am so sorry that I wasn't there," Thor blurted out, his lips pressed against your hair, "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to save you. I've missed you so very much."

"Hey, big fella," you replied, feeling a little dizzy at the sudden shift, "I've missed you too. But there's nothing to forgive, I'm okay."

"Yeah, you're crushing my wife," Steve interjected, "and I just got her back, if you don't mind." He reached out and all but forcibly pried you from his friend's grip, pulling you into his own. "But she's right, Thor, there's nothing to forgive. We all have regrets from that day, but it's in the past. Right now our only focus is on Lily getting better."

Thor stopped, realizing his lack of manners, turning towards your girl with regret that he hadn't said anything sooner. "She will be better, will she not?"

"Yes, she just needs to stay a few days," you smiled, rubbing her cheek to elicit a small smile from her in response as she slept. "I think we're all going to be better now."