Warning: Language, because Deadpool

"You actually cooked for me? You?"

"Okay, I'm gonna do my best to not be offended," Wade chuckled, "but yes, I can cook. I've kept myself alive for this long, haven't I?"

"Says the indestructible man," you smiled. The kitchen of your apartment did smell like he was making something delicious and it drew you in. You couldn't see what he was doing, his back turned to you as he worked almost frantically over the stove, so you approached carefully to slip your arms around his waist and peer around at his creation. "Wow, that actually looks edible."

"You know, if you're gonna be a little shit about this, I can stop."

"No, no, I'm sorry." You gave a gentle squeeze around his middle that elicited a gentle hum in his chest; you rested your head against his back and held him that way as he continued to cook. It was a rarity that you were able to be away from the team for a day off and that he could join you for an actual dinner date, so you wanted to enjoy every minute of it.

"Yeah, I know," he agreed, "I feel like we never have time anymore either."

"How did you know I was thinking that? Xavier helping you get into my head now?"

"Well, he did help me get into your pants..."

"Excuse me?" you gasped, pulling back in shock, but he turned quickly and grabbed you before you could get away.

"Calm down, (Y/N), I only meant that he finally got off my back about you being an Avenger...yuck. What the fuck did you think that I meant? That I was going to let chrome dome anywhere near you?"

"I don't know, but none of it would have been good," you scoffed, giving him a sideways glance. "I never know what you're up to, Wilson. But at least I'm never bored, I suppose." When he tipped his head down for a kiss, you paused and pushed back, looking around him with wide eyes. "Wade, you're on fire."

"So are you, baby."

"Hey, dumbass, you're actually on fire," you said again, turning him roughly with a few slaps on his shirt to put out the growing flames about to work their way up his back. "This is why I'm shocked that you can cook. You can understand my hesitance."

"You just wanted to touch my ass, admit it. You know this all belongs to you, sweetheart, just grab it."

"I'll admit no such thing-" you stopped, hearing a familiar ringtone from the phone in your pocket, grumbling loudly at what you knew was about to happen. "He can't be serious," you muttered, pulling it out with a scowl at what you were reading. "Dammit. Wade, I'm sorry, Cap needs me."

He reached up and took your other hand away from its continued hold on him, dropping it from his grip with a small and angry shove. "And I don't?"

"That's not what I meant."

"This is the first amount of time that we've had together in weeks, (Y/N)."

"Wade, this is my job. You know that this could happen. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Whatever, just go. God forbid that we keep Captain Fucking America waiting." Wade turned back towards the stove and turned it off, throwing the spoon he was using into the pan with a loud bang. "It's not like you actually believed that I could pull this off anyway." He picked up the pan and dumped the contents into the nearby garbage, then tossed it into the sink carelessly before turning to leave without another word.

~~~

There weren't many things that could startle Steve, but when you stormed into the hangar bay, throwing your pack into the jet with a loud crash as it slammed against the shield and knocked it over, he nearly fell out of the pilot seat at the sudden commotion. You ignored his shocked expression and questioning gestures as you strapped into your seat, mumbling incoherent curses under your breath and refusing to engage.

"Are we going to talk about this?"

"(Y/N)?"

"Hello?"

"I had a date, Steve," you began, pressing your head back against the rest and closing your eyes in frustration, "a date. You know, where two people have a goddamn day off from work and decide that maybe they'd like to spend some time together to keep their relationship as an important part of their lives? Wait, I'm sorry, no, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? All you know is this fucking job."

He sat with his mouth agape and a surprise in his expression for a moment before slowly closing it again with a sad realization now taking over. He was just so used to calling on you as his mission partner that he hadn't taken the seconds needed to be sure that you were available. "It's your day off," he whispered to himself, lowering his head in embarrassment. "(Y/N), I'm sorry, I forgot."

"The damage is done, Steve, let's just go."

"Damage?" he perked up in concern. "What damage? Do you want me to talk to him? I mean, I don't know the guy, but I can explain-"

"Oh my god, no," you startled, "absolutely not. I think it might be one of my nightmares to find you two in the same room together. You're way too regimented for him and far too vanilla."

"Fuck off, I'm not vanilla."

You tried to maintain your facade and attempt to stay pissed at Steve, but the look on his face now was too much and you broke down in a fit of laughter that ached in your sides with each breath. "Okay, how much did that hurt you to say? Your cheeks are bright red and you look like you're gonna cry."

"You don't know..." He turned back to the controls in a huff and prepared for departure, but he stopped short of closing the jet door with his hand hovering over the switch. "I can ask Natasha instead," he offered, glancing back over his shoulder.

"Why? So I can listen to both of you bitch about it for a week? Thanks, but no. The sooner we go, the sooner we can get back and I can figure out if I still have a boyfriend, so fly the damn plane already."

~~~

When you finally arrived at the mission site after a flight that felt like it had taken an eternity, Steve joined you at the door while you finished securing your weapons to your uniform. He stood silently for a moment and waited, not sure if your mood had improved or worsened since you last spoke to him, and he didn't want to rile you up before you had to work.

"I promise, this won't take long," Steve tried to reassure you as he slung the shield over his back, "we can get in the air the second we're done. Get the info Tony needs, and get out."

"And why couldn't Tony do this himself again?"

"Your powers of persuasion are much better than his," he smirked, slapping the control to lift the jet door.

"Meaning I have better aim."

"You said it, I didn't."

The door opened and you stepped through into the bright sunlight, having flown overnight to your destination. The shift in brightness was harsh until you slipped Sam's borrowed dark goggles down to scan the area; when you determined it safe to do so, you tapped Steve's arm gently and pointed him towards a small building a few hundred yards away.

"This looks too easy."

"So it won't be," he nodded in agreement, pulling the shield from its harness and out in front as you both walked cautiously forward. "Can you get a read on anything inside?"

With a few taps of your finger, the view in the lenses changed, showing a few weak heat signatures inside the small structure, but they didn't look like a human form. "Give me x-ray," you commanded, blinking slightly as the view again shifted. "I don't know how Sam wears these. I've already got a headache." Your scan still came up with nothing of concern, so you forged ahead to the main door and began to dismantle the alarm.

"I'll keep watch out here," Steve said as he took a steady position next to you, "but keep your eyes open. Headache or no."

You winked at him with a wide grin as the door opened with a slow creak once the mechanism released it and the alarm was dead. One last survey of the building to confirm that you were alone gave you the confidence to step through the threshold and towards your target, leaving Steve alone outside. There was no interference on your way to the computer that Tony had described, and the drive he had given you fit just as planned. Maybe you were wrong; maybe it was easy.

"(Y/N), I have a...situation," Steve called out in your earpiece with a grunt in his voice, "...could use your help."

A few more seconds passed before the information finally transferred so you could grab the drive and hurry back out, but once your feet landed outside, you came to a firm halt with pure shock freezing you in place.

"Wade? What the hell...?"

"Hey, love muffin," he greeted happily, in sharp contrast to the reddened anger in Steve's face. "It's take your boyfriend to work day!"

"This is your boyfriend?!"

"Yeah," you groaned in a pained sigh, "Cap, this is Wade...or Deadpool, I suppose. Wade, you know Cap."

"Pleasure," Wade bowed curtly.

"I wish I could say the same," Steve growled. "Could you please put those away?" He looked down at the blades that Deadpool had pressed to either side of his neck with care to not move too much against the cold metal. When he was clear of danger and they were secured in their sheaths, Steve hurried to your side and took a firm hold of your arm. "How did he know where we were?"

"Hey, buddy, let's unhand the lady, shall we? I can answer that better than she can."

Steve let go and turned to Deadpool, crossing his arms tightly over his chest with an expectant look on his face. Wade shuffled his feet a few times and pushed up on his toes to see you over Steve's tall stature, but when you refused to help him, he could only shrug and chuckle in reply.

"Okay, so I can't answer that. I just wanted you to get your super-duper super soldier hands off of her."

"Wade, what are you doing here? I told you that this wouldn't take long and that I'd call you when I got home."

"Well since our date was so rudely cancelled, without even asking, I might add," he snapped at Steve before turning to you, "I figured I might as well get out of the house. A man can only occupy himself so long before things start to chafe."

"You weren't invited," Steve snapped back. "So feel free to just go back home and wait by the phone like she said. This is Avengers business, and we didn't ask for any mutant backup."

"Steve!"

"Listen here, sparkler dick, I didn't ask for her to be at your beck and call either, but you sure have the leash pulled pretty tight. Is your lack of respect for anyone who didn't get microwaved into that fantastically hot body like you, or is that just for her?"

"Wait," Steve paused, "do you mean is the lack of respect for her, or is the fantastically hot body for her?"

"Oh...I wasn't expecting that," Wade replied, surprised. "I was expecting a comment on 'sparkler dick', honestly. I mean, I wasn't sure if you'd get it right away. It's kind of a twisty train of thought from your birthday to your name to the holiday to fireworks to sparklers to your dick, but I thought I did okay off the top of my head. And to answer your question, you nonagenarian firecracker, I meant the lack of re...spect..." he paused, his hand shooting up to cover his mouth over the mask in revelation, "fuck me, you want the hot body to be for her, don't you?! That's why you're constantly calling her for everything at all hours of the day and night! Son of a bitch, you're trying to steal my girl!"

"Wade, he's not-"

"Seriously? This guy, (Y/N)?" Steve turned to you, shaking his head. When he turned back, a charging flash of red leather smashed against his chest, knocking him backwards onto the ground with a heavy thud as the two men began to fight, apparently over you without ever even confirming if Wade was right.

"Stop it," you called out, "you're supposed to be grown men!"

You weren't about to try to break them up, however, allowing them to roll around in the mud and throw their punches as much as they wanted to. If they were going to be immature boys, then that was their prerogative, but there was no way in hell that you were going to play mommy.

Waiting for just the right moment, you watched Steve flip Wade over, leaving his shield exposed so that you could quickly pull it from his back. A few minutes later, Wade had the upper position, and you pulled his katana, leaving you to feel better that they were unarmed if nothing else.

"He's indestructible, Sparkles," you offered with a sigh, taking a seat on a nearby tree stump and grabbing your water from your pack, deciding to wait it out. "Go for the legs, Wade."

Seeing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, you quickly pulled your phone from your pocket and began to record, streaming directly to Tony back at the compound. You could see that your boyfriend was beginning to tire already, and Steve was just getting started; he had Wade pinned but was struggling to get control of his flailing arms as they swatted at him relentlessly, making a few solid connections to the Captain's face in the process.

"I'm not trying to steal her," Steve huffed and dodged hits, "she's my friend, that's all. She's like my sister. Stop slapping me!"

"Then why didn't you deny it before I smacked your ass to the ground like a little bitch?"

Steve shook his head, exasperated that Wade didn't know when to quit and was still trying to swing. "Come on, man, I've got you pinned, just stop."

"But I'm not done."

"Not done with what?"

"Enjoying this gorgeous body on top of me, my god, look at you. I've heard stories but there's really nothing like feeling it, ya know?"

The moment finally broke Steve and he laughed aloud; the kind of laugh that released his stress but also just gave in to what was happening and accepted the ridiculousness of it all. He swung his leg over Wade to move away and release him, but they both remained on the ground, sitting only a few feet away from you and under your disapproving glare.

"You kids done? I'd really like to go home if the hissy fits are over."

"Yeah, sorry, (Y/N)."

"Sorry, babe."

Steve stood slowly with a quiet moan under his breath, stretching his back with his arms over his head with a long yawn before reaching down to help Wade to his feet. "I sure feel like a nonagenarian," he whined, turning to Wade with a point towards the jet. "I'll admit, 'sparkle dick' was actually pretty funny. With all the crap that Stark comes up with, he's never come anywhere close to that one."

"Challenge accepted," came the familiar voice from your still open video stream.

"Oh, god, (Y/N), why?" he whimpered with a pout, dragging his feet reluctantly onto the jet and to the pilot seat. His hands wearily moved over the controls as the jet door closed, but he was still shaking his head at the thought of the welcome that Tony was sure to give now.

"Gimme," Wade whispered, holding his hand out to take your phone and bringing it close to him to keep his voice lowered enough for Steve to not hear. "Hey, Stark? It's Pool, Dead. Listen, I've got some ideas for that challenge you mentioned..."