No matter how tightly that you held the phone to your ear, cradling it in your hand and leaning into it with closed eyes and a sadness in your voice, it wouldn't bring you any closer to him. There were nights when all you wanted was him at your side, with his arms around you, even when he resisted allowing the left one to touch you; the metal shouldn't be allowed to touch your soft and gentle skin, he would insist.

You were kindred souls, you and Bucky, finding each other with your share of damages and loneliness when neither of you wanted or expected anyone to care. He was on the run from HYDRA and anyone who thought that he was still the Winter Soldier, and you were on your own with people you called friends but were nothing of the sort, trapping you in a life of pain and self-loathing. Just when the darkness had taken over and you thought you would never know any other life, he ran right into you. And now, after a year together, the lives you had both known were nothing but distant memories.

"We should be back at the tower late tonight, so I'll just stay there so I don't wake you."

"But I miss you," you tried not to whine. "It's been two weeks, Buck."

He let out a long sigh, and you could only imagine the look on his face at the thought of making you unhappy. "Tell you what, let's meet at that little café down the block from your place, maybe like 8 o'clock? Then you've got me for the whole day. I've already cleared it with Steve."

"Well be sure to tell him I said thanks," you chuckled softly. "It's a date, Mr. Barnes. Don't you dare stand me up."

When he paused for just a bit too long, you worried that he thought you were being serious. Bucky would never stand you up; he was the most honorable and thoughtful man you had ever known, even after everything he had been through. One thing they hadn't taken from him were his values as a gentleman. "Doll, I wouldn't think of it. Now, get some sleep. Dream of me."

"I always do."

"I love you," he replied quietly, as if to keep the team from hearing him. Keeping anything personal as a part of the Avengers was a virtual impossibility; if Tony or Clint got wind of something, it was public knowledge within seconds. Bucky wanted to keep you for himself.

"I love you, too. I'll see you in the morning." You closed the line and stared at the phone for a moment as his picture faded to black. You set the phone on the table next to you and turned to make your way to bed for the night, but a hand shot out over your mouth and an arm wrapped around your chest, holding you so that you couldn't move. As the room around you darkened, Bucky's face was still all that you could see.

~~~

"I'm telling you, Steve. Something's wrong," Bucky panted into the phone, taking the stairs to your apartment two and three at a time. "There's no way in hell that she'd stand me up. I'm at her door, hold on."

"(Y/N)?!" he yelled into the old wooden frame, pounding his metal hand against it. "(Y/N) are you in there?" When there was no reply, he began pacing frantically. "Steve, I need to get in there."

"Buck, maybe she just isn't home-"

Steve's words were cut off by the sound of wood being cracked and falling to the ground as the door shattered into your apartment. Bucky kicked away the few remaining planks so that he could enter, but found nothing immediately wrong. Everything was in its place and the apartment looked clean. He hurried from room to room, opening closets and drawers, desperately searching for anything that would tell him where you were.

"Dammit, there's nothing here."

"I'm on the way, stay there," Steve commanded. "At least let me help you."

Bucky nodded and closed the line, standing in the center of your living room, still searching every detail for anything that might be a clue. "Come on, baby, tell me where you are," he whispered to himself as he dropped down onto the couch. He had never felt more certain that something had happened to you, and that there was no chance that you had forgotten to meet him. He could feel it in his soul that you needed him.

~~~

Steve knew it would be a hard sell, getting the Avengers on board with looking for you. They knew of you, and a little about your past, though your time with them had been limited and they didn't really know you. He knew that they would want to help, for Bucky's sake, but if there were any doubts about your disappearance, they would hesitate. With so many regulations now in place and the oversight into what the team could and couldn't do, they chose their missions very carefully.

"I'm sorry, Barnes. We just can't do it right now. There isn't enough evidence to support that she was actually taken," Tony said flatly, though his regret was in his expression. "We need more proof that she didn't just leave on her own."

"I'm not being paranoid, Stark."

"I never said you were."

Bucky stood from his seat at the conference table and rested his fists on its top as he leaned in closer to Tony. He was putting all of his concentration into not reaching over and grabbing the man by his throat to make his point a little clearer. "Have you ever just known something, Tony? Have you ever felt something in your gut and known it was true?"

"Yes," he whispered back, his gaze dropping to his intertwined fingers as they rested in his lap. It was something that resonated with him several times in his past, but it just wasn't enough to give Bucky what he wanted. "But I still can't authorize it. I really am sorry."

Seeing the fingers of Bucky's metal hand clenching tighter, Steve stood quickly to intercept him, but he was too slow to prevent the hand punching through the table and splitting it in two as each teammate pushed their chairs away in surprise. A low growl escaped his throat, but he didn't continue to push, rather staring each one of them down for a moment before storming out with no plans to ever return.

"Buck, wait," Steve called out, urgently following him outside.

"Everyone I love gets hurt, Steve. The people around me are always in danger because of who I am...who I was..." he paused, his voice cracking slightly. "You are all better off if I just disappeared once and for all."

"Hold on, what do you mean we're all better off?"

Bucky turned at looked at Steve with shock and pain in his eyes, disbelieving that he didn't understand. "I almost killed you," he hissed, "you should know better than anyone! How do you not get this?"

"Jesus, it was not that bad..."

"Not that bad?!" Bucky said, his voice now nearly a yell, though the two man stood only a few feet apart. "Do you not remember what happened? Because I sure fucking do!" Bucky felt the sting of tears in his eyes at the memory, still able to feel the ache in his hand from where it had connected with Steve. He could vividly remember looking down at his best friend and not caring if he killed him. It was a memory that haunted him for countless nights, and you had been the one to save him from himself when the nightmares came.

Steve couldn't have this argument again and was growing angry, mirroring his friend's posture. They had gone over this so many times since that day, and he had thought they had reached an understanding. "Buck, you're overreacting. I was fine."

Bucky leapt forward at him, reaching up slightly but dropping his hands to his sides almost immediately. He wanted to shake some sense into Steve; he wanted him to see that he had hurt him and now he was hurting you. He just wanted him to understand. "You were in the hospital! And it was all my fault!" He took a few steps back, his breaths now uneven as a sense of panic built in his chest and made his heart pound with a vigor that rang in his ears. "I'm doing it again. This is all my fault too."

~~~

"Tell me, (Y/N), it's been three months now and still no rescue attempt. How does that make you feel, that your beloved hasn't tried to find you?"

"It makes me happy that he wouldn't risk himself for me," you said with a complacent smile. It wasn't a lie; you didn't want Bucky to endanger himself for you, though you knew he was. You knew full well that the day would come when he would find you, and you would watch with satisfaction as each and every one of the HYDRA agents around you were killed by his hand.

It had never crossed your mind that today would be the day.

"Sir, we are under attack," a random guard panted as he ran past your cell, grabbing a rifle and returning outside to help. The agent who had been guarding you hesitated for a moment, grabbing his own weapon and taking you by the arm to drag you outside with him.

"Come, my dear. If he's here, I can finally put you to good use."

You struggled against his grip, trying to free your arm, but he wasn't releasing you. If anything, you had hoped to at least slow him down to give Bucky time to find you so that they wouldn't use you to lure him into a trap. Even if it would cost you your own life, you would do whatever it took to not risk his.

"If we can get Mr. Barnes to see you, perhaps he would-"

The man's painful grip released and he fell back suddenly, landing on the floor with a hard thud when his body went limp. A small amount of blood had splattered across your shirt but there was no pain with it, so you assumed that it was his. Looking down at his lifeless body was both satisfying and frightening, and the adrenaline began to course through you, sending a tremor that shook your muscles so firmly that you struggled to stand. You grabbed a nearby table and began to lower yourself to the floor before your legs could finally betray you.

"(Y/N)! Are you okay? Are you bleeding? Is this from you?" Bucky frantically asked, now coming into view and rushing towards you. He grabbed your shirt and lifted it out of the way to see if you had been injured, but you pulled it free and back over your exposed abdomen.

"I'm fine, Buck, it's not mine," you panted, trying to regain your composure. Leaning back against the wall and closing your eyes, you tried to control the panic but it wasn't working. The continued sounds of battle exploded around you, but you tried to focus on each voice you heard from the team, identifying each one to keep your mind occupied. You grabbed his hand and held it so tightly that you actually worried that you could hurt him, even though you knew full well that you couldn't.

"What took you so damn long?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." You released Bucky's hand as he stood, sliding his hands beneath you to lift you into his arms. "But I'm here now, sweetheart. I've got you."

~~~

For the next few weeks, Bucky insisted that you stay with him in the tower rather than returning to your apartment right away. He had experience in these situations and knew that your mind would begin to process it all; the nightmares would soon follow, just as they did with him. He also knew that he owed you; he owed you for every time you had helped him, and he wasn't about to let you down again.

"Goodnight, doll."

"Goodnight, Buck," you replied softly, reaching back to grab his hand and pull his arm over you. As usual he resisted, still not comfortable with the idea of his metal arm against you, even after all this time. "Stop it. Gimme." You pushed your back against his chest and pulled his arm tight around you, preparing for another restless night, but knowing that you were in the safest place that you could ever be.