You thought that joining the Avengers would change everything; that it could only get better. You would find respect, teammates, adventure, and purpose in your life. Finally, purpose for an existence that was more than lacking in confidence and conviction. In many ways, those things did come to you thru the bond you had formed with your teammates and the chance to prove your abilities when the stakes were high. When you were with the Avengers, you didn't feel like (Y/N), you actually felt like a super hero.

It was when you were alone or separated from your team that things became darker, colder, and devoid of the feelings that made you feel alive. The world lost its color, your senses useless in even the most beautiful experience. There were nights when you would cry yourself to sleep because it drained your energy to do so; it wasn't a feeling, but more a self-induced sedative. It was so easy to just retreat within yourself and shut out the noise of the world around you; the world that didn't treat you like anything because it was if you didn't exist.

Suffering from depression carries a stigma; how can someone understand what they can't see or haven't experienced for themselves? Maybe if your so called 'friends' from your previous life had understood, they wouldn't have been so quick to judge, so quick to cut you down, and so quick to talk behind your back, even when what they were saying wasn't true. Maybe if they knew the damage that had been done, they would have been more compassionate. Maybe when they hear that you're gone, they will regret their part in it.

You couldn't understand why you chose the tower as the building you would jump from; it was your home, and the one place in the world you felt safe and accepted. The team wasn't there, so it was easy to slip back into the darkness within you and to listen to the voices that would drag you down. Tony would be home soon, so best to get this done. It would be quick, it would be private, and you could fly one last time. Just one quick step...

~~~

"(Y/N), what the fuck do you think you're doing?! Have you completely lost your goddamn mind?!"

So maybe your timing wasn't quite right after all. Maybe there was some force in the universe that made Tony fly past the tower at that exact moment. Maybe your luck is shit. Who knows. Either way, here you were, being caught and carried into the tower by fucking Iron Man.

He threw you down on the couch with a force that took your breath away. As his suit was being removed, he was panting and cursing under his breath. "I can't believe this. What happened!? What were you thinking? What...just what exactly did I interrupt, (Y/N)!?"

There were no tears from you, no emotion on your face as he spoke. Staring blankly ahead, you formulated your answers carefully.

"It was a momentary lapse. Thank you." You stood to leave but he pushed you back onto the couch with a little more force than necessary.

"You're not getting off that easily. Tell me."

"Not if all you're going to do is yell at me, Tony. If I wanted to be punished I can do that by myself. I've gotten pretty damn good at it." You stood again, but with more resolve and prepared to fight him if it came down to it. "If you care about me at all, please don't push me right now."

So far, he hadn't approached to stop you as you walked towards the elevators, heading for your room. With Tony home, you knew FRIDAY would be watching your every move. Before entering the lift, you stopped and turned back to him, offering both a warning and a plea.

"Tony? Don't tell Steve."

~~~

Steve Rogers is a good guy. He is the original good guy that no one else could possibly measure up to. He actually scared you most of all when you moved into the tower, and you had actually first befriended Tony. The fear of Steve wasn't real; it was your mind tricking you into thinking that you weren't worthy of interacting with him. Your apprehension took months for him to break thru, insisting that you work together directly on missions and training with you in the gym exclusively.

Steve was now your best friend in life both inside and outside the tower. It would hurt him to know what had happened, and even more so if he knew that you weren't sharing this struggle with him. It was just too hard, and you couldn't possibly burden him with it.

Music was always an effective escape that you could select to fit your mood. Over the years your library had grown to be quite extensive and eclectic. Right now you weren't sure if tonight's events were a failure or if it was a relief that you were caught, so you decided to just shuffle it all. Of course, your musical escape was rudely interrupted by a loud banging on your door.

"(Y/N)? Hey, open up!"

I swear if Tony told Steve about this, even his suit won't be able to save him.

"FRIDAY, please let Captain Rogers in."

Turning off your music, you sat up on your bed, waiting to hear what he had to say. Did he know? Were you ready for him if he did? Does it really even matter?

Steve appeared to be in a good mood, smiling and walking into your room with a small bounce in his step. "So, how's about dinner? You. Me." He pulled a bag from behind his back, "Chinese?"

Your shoulders relaxed and you let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, I'm so happy you have take-out, you have no idea. It's been a really terrible night so far, but things are looking up now." Rising from your bed to meet him, you stood on your toes to kiss his cheek, "thanks for this."

"Anything for my best girl." Sitting on your bed, legs folded, he spread the food out so that you both could share. "If you don't sit now, I can't guarantee that there will be any kung pao chicken left." His mouth was already full and he was reaching for more.

"I'm not your best girl, Steve."

He furrowed his brow and was caught mid-chew. He paused, looking at you confused and a bit hurt. He stared at you as he finished his bite, then stood to walk towards you. "What does that mean, (Y/N)? I've always called you that and you've never said anything before." Your gaze was lowered, avoiding eye contact. He put his hand on your chin, lifting your face to meet his eyes. "What's going on?"

"I think it's just a bad day, I'm sorry. It's nothing about you, I promise." Feeling an unwanted rush of emotions coming, you leaned in and hugged him tightly, hoping that you could bury your head so he couldn't see the tears building up in your already weary eyes. Steve was the only constant in your life. He never faltered if you needed him, he could cheer you up or sit quietly with you when you needed silence. If the hug carried on much longer, you knew he would grow suspicious.

"Okay," you pulled back and shook off the moment, "let's eat."

With a skeptical look he relented, "okay, but (Y/N), remember, I'm right here."

~~~

It was a mission day, and you had no desire to get out of bed. The thought of just pulling your blankets back was exhausting, much less actually standing, showering, and getting dressed. The world was pale and gray, and you didn't see the point in spending the day in it when sleep was so much easier.

"Miss (Y/N), Captain Rogers is approaching."

"Thanks, FRIDAY, just let him in." Well, now you had to get moving if Steve was on the way. You were able to throw on your uniform pants and a t-shirt as he walked in.

"Time to go. We had to move it up a few hours, things are heating up in the region. This one will be rough; you ready?"

"After you, Cap. Ready as I'll ever be."

~~~

Now that it was upon you, death didn't seem like such a great idea. When you had jumped from the tower, it was supposed to be fast, painless, foolproof. This was a slow, searing pain with every breath; you could feel your body losing oxygen. You could feel your body getting cold from blood loss. You could feel how alone you were. You were finally feeling something, and it was terrifyingly wonderful. What kind of sick joke was this? You had to be on the brink to finally want to stay?

Well now it seemed too late for all that. Your teammates were nowhere to be seen, but you knew they were safe. Sacrificing yourself for them made sense, they were whole, complete, feeling people and in that moment you had felt like just a shell of your former self. It didn't even require any thought; it was just done. Even now, you would do it again because they were your family; because he was Steve.

"(Y/N)! (Y/N), I see you! I'm here! I'm here..." Steve dropped on his knees at your side, firmly pressing his hands into your belly, trying to stop the profuse bleeding from your wound. "Oh, god, this can't happen. It can't." He was frantically ripping your shirt to make tourniquets and bandages, doing anything he could to keep you alive. "(Y/N) you can't do this to me, okay? I need you to stay with me."

Thru shallow breaths, you needed to tell Steve what was going on. You owed him that if you weren't going to make it back with him. "Steve..."

"Stop talking."

"Steve, listen to me. Three days ago I tried to throw myself from the roof of the tower...but Tony...." You tried to take a breath but only felt the stabbing pain in your chest.

"I know." His hands were still working furiously. "That doesn't matter right now, okay. Please just stop talking and save your energy. Please. Do that for me, okay?"

"You...you know?" You grabbed one of his hands to get him to finally look at you. "Do you know that you are the only thing that makes me happy...Steve...?" You could feel your heartbeat become more and more irregular. "Do you know that?"

"I do now." He pulled his hand back to prepare to lift you and run for the jet. "You are my best girl, (Y/N). You can't do this to me because I'm so in love with you and I need you to stay. Please." Tears were now freely streaming down his face.

"I need you to try to breathe thru this, sweetheart. We're gonna run for the jet, okay? Just hold on to me." He picked you up quickly and sprinted. You had your arm around his neck, but began to falter. He could feel your grip slipping. "We're almost there, (Y/N). Stay with me."

"I love you too, Steve." You no longer cared about the pain coursing thru you. You needed to feel it to know you were still alive. "Run faster."

Part 2

Steve really couldn't have been more supportive after that day. That day when you almost died trying to sacrifice yourself for your team, for him. That day that would now be known as the day your life began again. You could say you really did die that day, only to become the person you are now.

He stayed with you thru the two weeks in the hospital, never leaving your side. He carried you from the car to your room when you returned to the tower. He slept at your side, holding you when the nightmares came, calming you back to sleep. He went with you to physical therapy and counseling appointments, encouraging you to keep moving forward. He was trying to prove to you that he really did love you like he had said, and that he really did need you.

But with your recovery now complete, and that terrible mission long behind you, it was time to find normalcy again, and to return to your duties as an Avenger. You knew it would be hard on Steve to see you back in dangerous situations, but you had trained with him to prove that you were ready. You wanted him to see that you were capable and eager to take your place on the team. That you were happy and fulfilled with your life like you had never been before. The rest of the group agreed with you, but convincing your new boyfriend and Captain would prove to be more of a challenge.

"You don't trust me." It was a statement more than a question, and you weren't sure if you even needed to clarify it. "Is that it, Steve? Because we agreed that if we were going to do this whole relationship thing, we had to trust each other, remember?"

He was pacing across your room as you emerged from your shower, preparing yourself for the mission ahead. It was the one place that never failed to clear your head and relax you inside and out, but today it had done nothing to help you, knowing the discussion you were entering.

"I trust you. I do. It's just...I can't shake this feeling that you're not ready." His eyes were avoiding yours, his hands were anxiously fidgeting with his uniform belt as he moved.

"That's not trust, Steve."

"I'm scared, okay?" His voice was loud now, his feet finally planted to the floor. Throwing his hands up in defeat, he looked at you with an almost desperate expression. "I'm absolutely terrified. Is that what you want to hear, (Y/N)? I held you as you nearly died out there. I watched as your heart stopped and restarted and stopped again as the doctors fought to keep you here...with me. I will not do that again, do you understand?"

Surprised by his sudden admission, you moved to him quickly, opening your arms to ask him to accept you. He grabbed you firmly and pulled you to him, nearly taking your breath away. "I don't want that to happen. I promise you, I don't. My life is completely different now. I'm so happy with this team, and with you. Sweetheart, please trust me."

After a few moments, he sighed, relaxing and resting his head on yours. "I want to trust you. But I'm going to be at your side the entire time. You can't stop that."

~~~

He certainly wasn't lying about being next to you. If you were being honest, it was almost a distraction. Fighting along side Steve was normally fun and challenging, but today it was undermining your abilities. You knew he was just being protective, but you had worried that it would interfere with the mission at hand, and that's exactly what it did.

Steve moved in front of you as an enemy guard drew his weapon and fired. The Captain held his shield in front of you, leaving himself exposed; a bullet flew thru his shoulder, in one side and out the other. He dropped to the ground in front of you as you grabbed the shield and threw it, knocking the guard out.

"I'm okay, I'm okay." He was pushing on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding but failing as it soaked his uniform.

"Cap's down! I need help getting him to the jet!" Pulling his shirt off to expose his bare skin, you pushed your hands against both sides of the wound as he grimaced in pain. "You idiot! I told you this was going to happen! I told you!"

His face grew pale as you continued to hold firm pressure. "Yeah, okay. You got me there." He sucked in a sharp breath. "(Y/N), can you let up a bit?"

"No."

"Okay, then. Thought I'd ask." Attempting to push himself up to stand, you pushed him back down with your shoulder, shifting to put your knee across his chest to hold him in place.

"Stay down, Steve. You're not gonna win this one." Your hands were covered in blood, but it was finally beginning to slow. Thor had arrived at your side, ready to carry the Captain away. Tearing the sleeve off from Steve's uniform, you tied it tightly around his shoulder to maintain the pressure as you released him.

"I'll be right behind you, okay?" Leaning down, you kissed him quickly as Thor hoisted him over his shoulder and lifted into the air.

~~~

The beeping of monitors and the sight of Steve's heart monitor did nothing to reassure you as you stayed at his bedside, waiting for him to wake from surgery. Was this relationship going to be about exchanging bedside vigils? It was a part of the job, you supposed, but it didn't make it any easier to see him so vulnerable. Captain America wasn't supposed to be taken down so easily.

His eyes opened slowly, grimacing at the pain in his shoulder. "Hey, (Y/N). You're here."

"Did I have somewhere else to be?" you responded curtly.

"Alright, let me have it. I can take it."

Laughing, you bent over to kiss his forehead, "Nah, I think you've taken enough for one day, hun. I'm just happy you're okay." You sat back on your chair, grabbing his hand and running your finger gently over the taped IV as you felt tears begin to sting your eyes. "Okay, I see your side. I can't imagine how you felt that day. I don't think I've ever told you how sorry I am." Pausing to take a few deep breaths, tears came easier now. "You've changed everything, you know? You've made me realize that I can be happy, and that it's all worth it."

"(Y/N), you don't ever have to apologize to me. We all have things to work thru time and again." He shifted in the bed, turning so that he could see you more clearly. "Although, there is maybe one thing you could apologize for, now that its come up." He pulled his hospital gown to the side, revealing a bruise that looked very much like the kneepad of your uniform at the center of his chest.

Your hand quickly covered your mouth, laughing at the detail you had left behind. "I'm not apologizing for that! You were being an idiot! I'd do it again!"

"Oh, I trust you on that, (Y/N)."

"See? Now we're getting somewhere."