D R E A M

today, i was granted permission to visit your graves.

mister qian had came into my room and told me i was able to do so, he just has to tag along. he told he won't bother me much so i can have my moment with you guys.

i brought my box of items that you guys left me. they each hold a meaning and memory that reminds me the time i had with you six.

it's my little box of treasures.

when we arrived, i ran straight to the spot. even though i haven't visited in quite a while, i still remember the spot.

it was in an open field filled with bright green grass, sprinkled with a few flower patches here and there. the sun shined brightly today along with clear blue skies, fluffy clouds dotting it.

when was the last time i breathed in fresh air like this? i don't know.

as i approached your graves, i noticed they were still in the semicircle i remembered them to be positioned in. i sat down in the center, scanning the engravings in each tombstone.

memories flashed through my mind, as if it were a movie projector put on rewind.

i first picked out the box of chalk.

it was old and worn out, but i could still see your name on it mark. messy and scribbled on with a black marker.

we used to draw on the concrete floors near the playground of our school. we drew all sorts of things.

chalk used to dirty up our hands and clothes, but we didn't mind it. we had fun.

🦁

"jisung, that's a really good lion!"

"t-thank you hyung. i thought you looked like a lion so i drew it for you."

"awe, thanks jisung. i tried to draw a chick, but it turned out ugly."

"it's not ugly! it looks super duper ooper cool."

🦁

you smiled at me.

a sense of fondness was there and i could still remember it like it was yesterday.

i placed the box next to me on the grass and took out your sketchbook renjun-hyung.

the front of it displayed your name in chinese characters, along with a moomin sticker.

flipping through the pages, i was yet again amazed by your talent. i then landed on the last page.

the page in where i drew us.

☁️

"that's a really nice sun jisung. good job."

"thanks, but it's not as good as your drawing."

"it's only not good if you say so. to me, it's wonderful."

"hyung, have you been eating?"

"of course jisung. three meals a day, so don't worry."

☁️

you never told me and i never asked. i should've asked you.

i bought a pack of moomin stickers for you the next day, but you never showed. days passed along with weeks, then months.

when i learned about your death and the cause, i couldn't help but blame myself for not asking you that day.

for not being able to say goodbye properly.

i placed the sketchbook down then pulled out the polaroid and photo book.

i still had some film left, but i didn't know what to take a picture of, so i opted to looking through the photo book. page after page, pieces of sentiment was held in each photo. then came your last photo.

it was me and you, jeno-hyung. in the practice room.

you were smiling brightly, and so was i.

🐶

"i like taking pictures of things that make me happy, or of things that look pretty."

"so...i make you happy?"

"definitely, jisung. you are one of my only friends that stay true to their heart. you might not know but, you have a big heart jisung. i just know you're going to grow up to be a wonderful person, no doubt about it."

"i...well...you make me happy too, jeno-hyung. and thank you, but you're the one with the big heart. not me."

🐶

you really believed in me jeno.

you believed that i could and would do great things in the future...but look where we are now.

don't worry though, i'm hoping i can get out soon. so i can dance again, freely.

you were really kind jeno and i really didn't want things to end like this. unfortunately though, it did. i could've stopped you, but i didn't.

i blame myself for not being there for you when you needed me the most.

the script was next. your script, donghyuck.

the pen and pencil marks were faded a bit and the paper was definitely worn, but it was still readable.

your notes were encouraging to me, even though i had little to no lines.

☀️

"acting and being on stage is great, to be honest. the best moment is when you see the smiles on people's faces. it just warms my heart you know?"

"is that why you like theatre so much hyung?"

"partially."

"what's the other part then?"

"it helps me escape from reality ji. when i'm acting, i'm a different person. a character."

☀️

underneath all that sunshine and enthusiasm, you were self conscious.

did people really like you for you?

were you too tan?

were you too rude?

were you too chubby?

i'm sorry i never got to tell you when you were still here but, you weren't 'too' anything. you were just lee donghyuck, a teen who had amazing talent. who shined like the sun in the daytime.

if no one out there really liked you, then i would. i like you hyung. you gave me confidence when i had none, and you were like a big brother to me.

your death was untimely, just like everyone else's. it's unfair. so unfair.

i stared down at the script one more time before selecting the next item.

jaemin, your beret. the item you put on me whilst your body slipped into an eternal slumber.

🌸

"i'm going to quit the gang jisung."

"you what? didn't you say that if you were to quit, they'd come and find you for revenge?"

"i don't care about that ji. i can fight them off. i've known them long enough to know all of their weaknesses, so don't worry about it. besides, i don't want to live this life anymore. i want to be na jaemin, not the gangster kid."

"but what if they succeed? I'd have to lose another important person in my life."

"like i said, i got this okay? your nana-hyung will stay by your side to protect you from all of the evil monsters of the world. promise."

🌸

that promise was broken with a shot of a bullet.

turns out your gang knew about your weakness as well. i should've died, but i didn't. you did.

you died in my place and all i could do after that was hate myself for what had happened to you and everyone else. i couldn't take myself anymore.

every time i woke up, i wished that everything was just a bad nightmare, and that you guys would still be here with me. sadly, i woke up to the painful reality where i had to face the truth.

with a shaky sigh, i gingerly placed your beret down with the other items.

then came the last item in the box.

the plush that you tried so hard to get chenle, but in the end, i had got it. i had wanted you to keep the dolphin half but you insisted and gave both to me.

🐬

"i want to meet you one last time before i go, so just meet me by our usual hang out spot."

"but you might get in trouble again lele."

"i don't care ji. i...i don't know when i'll see you again, so i'll take my chances."

"remember to be careful heading out then."

"always."

🐬

that day, i saw your life slipping away from you. i didn't want you to go.

i didn't want any of you to go.

while i held you in my arms, singing that song in my broken voice, i saw the corners of your mouth rise for the final time.

"are you guys doing well? are you happy? i hope you are, i miss you guys."

i felt my vision blurring, and before i knew it, tears were falling.

-

the wind whipped around the teenager, ruffling up the strands of his hair as it tried to dry the tears trickling down his face.

he slowly put everything back in his worn out pale yellow box. placing the cap back on, he held the box close to his chest, hugging it.

his small whimpers resonated throughout the field, mixing with the sounds of nature itself.

"let's meet again in another life okay?"