tw: cults, deaths of family members, suicidal thoughts, religious trauma

Samantha walked into her apartment, exhausted. They felt so numb, and realised for the first time that they were truly alone. She saw the closest thing she had to a childhood home get shot up the day before, with her family and friends inside. Samantha knew that they did the right thing, that their family was too loyal to Lucian to change anyway, but why did doing the right thing feel so wrong?

They didn't go online, or turn on the TV, because everywhere Samantha looked, the news of the siege was there. Samantha had seen enough of Lucian Lyons to last a lifetime. They felt a pang of guilt, they knew it wasn't right to hate a dead person this much. To wish that she was the one to fire the fatal shot. To wish they were able to watch him die.

Samantha didn't like having thoughts like that. The thoughts that were planted into her brain as a young child, and the thoughts that she had tried so hard to undo. However, reminders tend to come back when you least want them to. They were finally fine, but apparently that just wouldn't do.

Stop it, Samantha. Stop being a bad person.

They were alone. Samantha being alone with their thoughts had never turned out well in the past.

They didn't know if they wanted to feel something, or to numb everything. Either way, they ended up in a liquor store. "Samantha?" She turned around to see Kate Delaney, smiling at her, brown curls framing her face. "God, it's been so long since I saw you!" Kate genuinely seemed happy to see Samantha. They went to high school together, but Kate was a year below her. However, Kate Delaney was the type of person that tried to be friends with everyone, and Samantha had always liked her.

"Kate! Since when were you old enough to shop here?" Samantha tried their best to fake enthusiasm. She didn't want Kate to think she didn't like her, but she was just so goddamn tired.

"I turned twenty-one back in February, but I don't really drink. I work here, I have since I turned eighteen, my dad used to own the place. He retired last year. Brendan owns the shop now, but I do most of the work."

Samantha chuckled, that was typical for the cousins. Kate would always do all of the work, and never asked for credit. She just loved to help people. Everyone always assumed she'd go into hospitality, or be a nurse or something, but somehow, this job seemed like it fit her. Family meant everything to Kate.

They felt a bit strange about not knowing that Kate had worked here for three years, but it's not like they came here often. Plus, Jason was always better at knowing about the goings-on of the town than Samantha was.

"Kate, I don't pay you to stand there and talk. Go do something helpful." Brendan's voice came from behind the counter. It sounded like he'd been drinking more alcohol than he sold.

Kate rolled her eyes and then looked down at the bottle of vodka Samantha was holding. "You buying that?" Samantha nodded and they walked over to the counter, while she apologised for forgetting her ID. "Don't worry about it. I know for a fact you're older than me." Brendan glared at Samantha while they paid, so she left the store quickly.

Samantha ended up passing out in the living room that night.

That's how most of her days after that went. They wouldn't go outside or talk to anyone, or eat anything. She would just sleep or drink.

Samantha woke up at about 2am that morning, after another dream about that day. This time, she was the one inside the building and no one cared enough to try to get her out and even now that she was awake, she felt trapped again. They needed to get out, out of this apartment, out of this town, out of the country, it didn't matter. They just needed a way out.

So, she got dressed, grabbed her keys and got into her car, driving until she didn't recognise anything anymore. Samantha didn't know how much time had passed, but there was daylight now. They stopped at the side of the road, and couldn't stop themselves from wondering if they just jumped off the edge of the mountain road, would it all be over?

Lucian always said that suicide was a sin, that even one thought would be a guaranteed ticket to hell. Samantha didn't believe in God anymore, but never gave much thought to what happened after death. So much of her life had been spent just surviving that she didn't have enough time to ponder about questions like that. A part of them still believed that Samantha was certainly destined for hell.

But Lucian was dead. They saw them carrying the body bags out of the building, and he was definitely dead. Just like her parents. Just like Jason. The only family they ever knew was gone, and she was still there. Still alive.

It was so silent. There wasn't a single other car on the road, not a single bird singing, even the wind was silent. It was like Samantha was standing inside a photograph. There were no witnesses. Would they even get a funeral? There wasn't really anyone left to plan it. Would anyone even identify her body? Who would the police even ask?

They thought more about how they'd do it. Samantha wasn't really the type to give in to her impulses, but right now, they couldn't think of any other way. Was she supposed to leave a note? Did she need to offer anyone an explanation? They hated this feeling of losing control. Maybe they could get it back this way.

She took a deep breath and stepped forward. This was real. This was right. This was the end.

Samantha looked down, and the height didn't scare her. It was peaceful, actually.

They'd never been afraid of death. Growing up, death was good. Death meant you got to be closer with God. Death meant getting out of danger.

Samantha was six years old when she first saw a dead body. Jason told her to cover her ears and close her eyes, he knew what was coming. Samantha didn't listen. They heard the gunshot, saw the blood splatter on the wall, watched as the man fell to the ground. They'd seen plenty more bodies since then.

The sound of an incoming phone call pulled Samantha away from her thoughts. They thought that the signal out here would be shitty enough to prevent anyone from trying to contact them, but apparently not. She didn't know why she even brought her phone out here in the first place.

Incoming call: Aurora Matthews

Fuck.

Samantha swallowed her tears, and tried to seem as calm as possible as she picked up the phone, but her hands wouldn't stop shaking.

"Hello?" Her voice still sounded wobbly. "Is everything okay?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"No one's heard from you in weeks, Clo and I just checked your apartment to see if you were still, y'know, alive, and you're not there. The door was open too, and you don't usually do shit like that."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. Just lost track of time."
"Really?"
"Aurora, why would I lie?"
"I don't know, that's my point! Can you just... come back to your apartment? Before Clover eats all of your food?"
"You two really need to learn how to buy groceries."
"I know, I know! There is no food in our place."
"I'll come back soon, okay? I'm sorry."
"You've apologised to me twice since you picked up the phone. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Okay. See you soon?"
"See you soon."

Samantha grabbed her keys and got into the car, driving away from the ledge. She never told anyone about that. What happens on an abandoned dirt road stays on the abandoned dirt road.

a/n: me?? projecting onto my ocs?? never. also if anyone comes for me for making the two irish characters own a liquor store, i'm literally irish, i just wanted kate in this story, sue me.