CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
I'm Tired
October 28th, 1979

War was exhausting. Both mentally and physically. The secret missions and the secret meetings were too. Without even counting the mandatory Occlumency classes James had to take every once a week. Once a bloody week. Every week, he had to see Daphne Rosier and let her dive into this mind.

Lily and Sirius had left earlier to a mission. A long one Moody had told them. Remus had gone too—more like fled. No one really knew the whereabouts of Remus these days and Peter was nowhere to be seen, which left James utterly alone.

Sometimes he even wondered if Moody thought he wasn't worthy enough to fight for the right cause? Perhaps he considered him too soft? Unable to kill a man?

So as every other day, James wandered alone in Lily and he's flat. He washed the dishes from the previous nights, he cleaned the space, did the laundry and sometimes went out to buy groceries. That was all he could do during these days.

"Mr Potter, I knew I would find you home," Dumbledore's voice echoed in the flat and James jumped lightly. How did he manage to come in? "There is something I would like you to do."

"Is there?"

"Yes, indeed," he replied, fixing his glasses on his nose. "I would like you to meet with Severus Snape. See, I have been keeping it a secret but Severus Snape has agreed to spy for us."

James frowned, "I thought Daphne was our spy."

"Oh, of course. She is. A brilliant one, must I add," he told him. "But Severus, he convinced Voldemort that he would spy on us."

"Is he a double-spy?"

Dumbledore shrugged, "We could call it like that, yes. All I need is for you to meet, to explain to him what is going on in the Order. Be a mentor."

"A mentor? Me to Snape? I'm sorry, Headmaster but you have chosen the wrong person for that," he snorted.

"Have I?"

"We don't get along, that is all," he replied with a shrug.

The old wizard hummed, "Would you see Miss Evans fit for the role, then?"

"Lily is quite busy at the moment, I doubt she will have the time to even see Snape," he sighed, burying his head between his hands. "I will do it."

"Now that everything is settled, I must go back to Hogwarts," he said, standing up. "Thank you, Mr Potter. I shall send you further information in the week."

"Alright."

As he watched Dumbledore leave, he let out a breath—he didn't know what annoyed him the most: the fact that he considered James for the role or that he wanted Lily. Somehow, James had to convince himself that he had no problem with Lily talking to Snape, he just didn't like the idea of it but one thing he knew was that if one day, she decided to reach out to him, he couldn't say no. Lily Evans was free to make her own decisions and she had been clear about that ever since they started being together.

"I make my own choices and take my own decisions, James."

She had told him after a little argument about her sister, Petunia, a month after the Graduation.

As he prepared dinner, he had a feeling that something was about to happen but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. All he could think of was: mum and dad. He checked his watch to see that it was just about to hit eight. Maybe he was just going mental, locked up and his parents were fine. At that time of the day, Euphemia Potter was knitting or reading a book while Fleamont Potter listened to Sirius' record player in the parlour.

Somehow, he still found himself in front of his childhood manor. If he was completely honest, it had been quite difficult to leave the house because he had grown up here and he loved it so much. He loved the garden behind where he used to play Quidditch with his Dad and Sirius.

"Mum? Dad?"

No answer. One thing he realised was how quiet the house was. He stopped in his tracks, listening to his surroundings. There was only one thing he could hear, clear as day—Winky's cries.

"Winky?" He shouted, a sudden feeling of panic rushing through him. "Winky?" He shouted again as he moved around the house and the cries grew louder.

The scene in front of him left him speechless. His parents laid on the floor, their eyes all white and some foam coming out of their mouth. Winky was crying, her head on his mum's chest.

"Winky went away fo...for—" she stopped, another sob escaping her mouth. "Winky went for groceries, Master James and Winky came back Master Fleamont and Mistress Euphemia were on the ground."

"Wha...What happened?" He whispered, clearing his throat as he tried to sound alright. "Is...Were they conscious when you came back, Winky?"

"No, no, Master James."

"Whe...How?" He choked on some tears as his hands cupped his mum's face. Her face was already cold, so bloody cold. "Just stay here, alright? I will ring a healer or I don't know, someone."

By the time Fleamont and Euphemia Potter reached St Mungo's, they were long gone—their bodies were rigid and cold to the touch. James had cried, he had begged for them to come back, he had begged to wake up from the nightmare he was in.

The nurses sent him away, though. So once again, James wandered alone, looking for some type of comfort. Alcohol, perhaps? Something strong enough to make him forget this bad day but he ended up in front of a familiar building. Daphne's.

He knew he shouldn't go in there but he did anyway. He needed to talk, he needed to see some familiar face, someone he knew. He knocked not once but twice, then he waited.

"James?" Her voice snapped him out of his thoughts as he looked up at her, his eyes all red and puffy, his nose running and lost for words. "What happened?"

"My...my parents," he articulated hardly, letting himself be dragged inside. "I—"

"Take your time," she reassured as he sat down. Daphne went to the kitchen and from the noise, he knew she was making tea. When she came back, she handed him a cup and he thanked her quietly.

"My..." he stopped himself from talking and instead brought the cup to his lips but instantly burnt himself. "Fuck."

"Hey, James," she told him. "Are you alright?"

"My parents died, Daphne. They died, poisoned," he said. "They—Winky was crying loud, I feel like I can still hear her in my head. And my parents, they were...cold to the touch and long gone when I came home."

"Ja—"

"Do you know why? Why did it happen?"

She frowned, "I have no idea. I was here with Fabian," she replied. "He went home not too long ago actually."

"It's just—" he paused, sighing loudly. "If you know how it could have happened, I need you to be honest with me."

"I have a small idea of your thoughts and I—James, it wasn't me or anyone else I know," she said. "I haven't been to a meeting in weeks and all I hear or see, I report to Moody or Dumbledore. And you know how much I hate this old man."

"I know. I'm sorry for thinking you could have been involved, it's just—you see, I'm tired," he admitted quietly. "I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do most of the time, I try to be strong headed for Lily though she doesn't really need me for that."

Daphne snorted, "That she doesn't."

"But, I'm tired, Daphne," he told her, pinching the bridge of his nose. "So bloody tired," he added, staring at the chimney in front of him. Nice frames decorated the top with photos of Fabian, Evan or Regulus. Right, Regulus who was dead.

"I know you are. We all are," she told him.

He hummed, not tearing his eyes away from the photo with Regulus, "How do you manage to just...stop being sad whenever someone dies? Regulus died weeks ago and you are here, in the middle of the night, giving me a cup of tea..."

"I–" she started but cut herself off. "I simply don't," she finished with a chuckle. "You see, there is not a day where I do not think of him and how he died. I still have nightmares about it, luckily Fabian is nice enough to help me. But, you don't truly get over someone's death or stop being sad, it's always there," she reached for his head and touched gently, almost as if he was a fragile vase. "And here," she reached for his heart and there was doubt that she could feel how broken it was.

"So...you keep on being sad."

Daphne shrugged, "At least, I know that I still feel something," she admitted. "Fabian, he–he makes me feel happy and Sirius makes me laugh, a sort of happiness as well. The twins make me feel safe and Regulus' death makes me feel awfully sad. But, I feel James and there is no greater joy than to feel alive."

"But we are talking about my parents," he stated quietly. "My mum, who used to cook pudding for Sirius or talk with me whenever I felt down. Oh and my dad, he accepted Sirius right away in the family, he called him son and we'd play Quidditch until my mum would shout at us to come back inside," he let out a sob. "They were good. How could someone be so cruel and just–"

Another sob. Another and another. Daphne stayed there, by his side until he cried himself to sleep. Even when he was asleep, she couldn't bear to let him alone on the couch so she ended up falling asleep on the chair beside it. What woke her up were the footsteps in the flat, going to the kitchen then the bathroom and then her room.

"Good, you're awake," Fabian told her as she snapped her head towards him. He offered her a tight smile though she suspected him to not be sincere about it. Then, it all came back and her eyes darted towards the curly brown hair peeking out of the duvet. James. "Daph, what is this?" He whispered.

"Fab, I can explain," she reassured him, rising on her feet and joining him in the kitchen. "He–he came home last night, I don't know how he even knows where I live but he was a mess. He was sobbing and articulating words that I couldn't understand so I let him in and offered some tea."

"Right," he said, still frowning. "Why was he crying?"

"His parents were killed," she whispered even lower, afraid that he could hear. "Poisoned apparently."

Fabian gasped softly, "Merlin, how?"

"I reckon we should ask ourselves who. He–James was pretty convinced it was a Death Eater. He almost accused me at some point."

James shifted on the couch, making both of them silent as they watched him wake up, both grimacing and not knowing what to do. If someone would have told her old self that James Potter would be sleeping on her couch, she would have laughed so loud. He didn't seem to feel their eyes on his back as he buried his head between his hands and rubbed his face tiredly. From the kitchen, Daphne could clearly see his hand shaking as he ran it through his hair and pulled them lightly.

Fabian bit his lower lip, kissing her temple as he pushed her towards James. She frowned, looking back at him but he simply motioned for her to go. Somehow, Fabian was way more understanding than she was.

"Morning, Potter," she whispered quietly as she handed him a cup of tea. He grabbed it and managed to whisper a small thank you. "How are you?"

"Miserable," he admitted harshly, looking up at her and he did look miserable. His eyes were puffy and red, his nose was irritated from all the tissues he had used last night and his face was pale as if he hadn't slept in days. "So miserable."

"I know," she replied. "How about I cook something for you? What would you like?"

"Oh, no, Daphne. It's alright, I can–I can handle myself," he muttered, standing up. "I'll just head back to my flat."

"You did move out," she remarked as he hummed, folding the duvet she had given him last night. "Don't get me wrong I thought you would stay with your parents forever," she added with a chuckle.

James gave her a small smile, "Well, I am a mummy's boy," he admitted, making her snort. "But I reckon you knew that already."

"Of course," she said with a shrug. "We may not be as close as we used to be but I like to think that I still know you somehow, Potter."

"Oh, we are back at Potter, are we?" He asked, taking a seat at the counter as he watched her prepare breakfast for herself. "See, I prefer thinking that I don't know you anymore–I mean, you've changed and for the best."

She nodded her head, "Well, you'll have to thank Fabian for this!"

"Is he here, by the way?"

"In the shower."

He fixed his glasses, "Was he mad? To see me here?"

"No," she answered, shaking her head. "He's Fabian, he couldn't get mad even if he tried really hard," she told James. "Are you sure you do not want anything?"

"Yes. Your hospitality and kindness are more than enough," he responded kindly. "You know, Rosier, it is nice to know that I have a friend here too," he stated as they reached the door.

"Alright, Potter. I did send a patronus to Sirius telling him, perhaps he told Lily too," she explained. "And James, it is totally fine to be sad, to weep as if you were five years old again. They are your parents, not just some idiots you've met a month earlier."

He nodded, "Right. Good days and bad days, is that it?"

"Basically, yes," she mumbled. "I'm here if you ever need me."

Instead of answering, he nodded his head and Daphne understood from his watery eyes that he wouldn't be able to speak out loud without crying. So, she let him go. She gave him a small wave as he walked down the corridor, and went back inside. Parts of her couldn't help but ache for her ex-lover...

—————
authors note, and we're back with another update! i'm literally on a roll lately so we all appreciate it 🤩🤩

a full of chapter of my (ex) lovers!! I MISS THEM but i love fab and her so so much, let's just make them a throuple, it'll be easier!