CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Drowning
May 26th, 1978

          She was slowly loosing herself; Daphne could feel it deep inside her, she was loosing herself and she was afraid she would not be able to pull herself back. Most of the time, she stayed in her bed unable to leave it and when she did leave—the days were darker and longer, almost endless and she longed the moment she would be back in her bed. Rebecca had tried the first few days to cheer her up, but had given up after Daphne had shouted at her. Daphne hadn't mean it, she didn't want to yell at her—but, it was getting all too much and she couldn't handle it anymore.

She couldn't sleep anymore, and if she did she would dream of him. A bitter reminder that he wasn't hers anymore, perhaps he had never been hers in the first place.

Rising on her feet, she walked out of the room and headed to the common room hoping she would see Regulus. He was the only one able to help her.

"Regulus?" She called softly and cleared her throat, noticing how weak her voice sounded. "Is Regulus here?" She asked to one of her housemates as he blinked, probably surprised to see her out of the room.

"He is by the fireplace," he articulated after a few seconds and she thanked him quietly.

Straightening her posture, she walked towards the fireplace trying to ignore the looks that were thrown at her. She was aware that she probably looked messy, horrendous even, but she needed to speak with Regulus.

"Reg?" She asked quietly.

Her cousin looked up and she took a moment to look around. Snape, Barty and Evan were there as well with their eyes glued on her horrible features—Evan raised from his seat and took a step towards her, but she brought her hand up to stop him.

"I need to talk to Reg," she pleaded.

Evan scoffed loudly, "Oh, great. You have been locked up in your bloody bedroom for days, you won't talk to anyone and you refuse to talk to me but now you want to talk to our cousin!" He exclaimed. "No offence, Regulus."

"None taken."

"Please, Ev," she muttered. "I-I just want to speak with Regulus, then I will go to sleep and..."

"No!" He argued once again. "You need to eat. Have you eaten in the past few days? Look at you for Merlin's sake! You have lost weight and you look like you haven't slept in years," he almost shouted angrily.

Barty rose on his feet and put a hand on Evan's shoulder, "Hey, mate. She will talk to us when she is ready, alright?" He whispered. "Let her talk with Reg."

"Whatever," Evan muttered, waving Barty's hand away before turning on his heels and going into his own room.

Barty sighed, "He's right, Daph. You can't stay in your room for days without acknowledging any of us, then show up to talk with Regulus," he told her a little softer. "It is not fair to Evan."

"I know, I'm sorry," she whispered, clearing her throat. "I will try my best, I promise," she spoke, glancing between Barty and Snape. "So, Regulus?"

"Er, sure. I will come," he stated, standing up and trailing behind her. "What is it?" He queried once she had closed the door.

"Do you have something to make me sleep?" She asked quietly. "I need to sleep or I might go mad, Reg," she told him rapidly, gulping.

He sighed, "I have already given you Sleeping Draught last week, Daph," he said softly. "It's not healthy—all you do is drink and black out," he muttered.

"Just a few more," she pleaded. "I promise I will try my best to be normal again, to be okay..."

Regulus sat down on her bed and glanced at her, "If only you would tell one of us what is happening to you. I know this is more than your responsibilities, Daphne."

Looking up at him, Regulus almost gasped in shock. Her face was thinner and she had dark circles under her eyes from her lack of sleep. He had never known this Daphne, the broken one, he reckoned. She had refused to tell them what was wrong, even Rebecca didn't know. He had crossed eyes with Lily Evans a few times, she had never acknowledged him, and sometimes he was itching to go talk to his brother to know if he had any idea what was wrong with her.

"I have some in my room, I will go fetch them but this is the last time, Daphne," he warned her lowly, knowing her use of the potion wasn't only for sleeping. "I am serious."

"Yes, okay. I promise," she whispered back. "By the end of the week, I will be back on my feet and ready to finish the school year."

"Good."

A moment later, he came back with the vials and handed them to her. Daphne took them and articulated a quiet 'thank you', and waited until he was out of her room to let out an exhausted sigh. Walking into the bathroom, she stayed under the shower for a good hour or so, letting the hot water run down her back. She felt peaceful here, in the shower—it felt as though she was able to wash him away, his scent, his touch, everything. Hours later, she laid in bed after she had gulped her sleeping draught and closed her eyes impatiently. Eager to have a dreamless night.

Daphne had kept her promise and had showed up in class by the end of the week. She had cleaned up nice and headed for her first class of the day, Advanced Transfiguration—a few students from different houses were there. Rebecca had given up and opted for Divination instead, so she found herself alone in this class except for a few housemates she had never talked to. She stopped dead in her tracks as the familiar laughs echoed around the class, and apparently they had stopped too at her arrival.

"Oh, Daph," the soft voice of Lily Evans reverberated in the classroom as two arms circled her neck. "I've missed you," she hurried herself to say, pulling back to cup Daphne's face. "Are you alright?"

"I'm okay, thank you Lils," she whispered, overwhelmed. "I'm doing better," she told her, forcing a smile.

Lily hummed, clearly not convinced, "You must come to my bedroom later, or we could meet in the library? Whatever you want," she pressed.

"Is it okay if we meet tonight?"

"Of course," she beamed and took her hand. "Sit with me?"

"Yeah, sure," Daphne swallowed hard and let Lily lead the way. It felt good. "What have I missed?" She asked once they were sit down.

"Er, loads," she chuckled, resting her head on her hand. "Though, I haven't listened to a lot of them. You know how the girls are," she added. "But, I went to a date. It was weird," she snorted.

"Who was the lucky lad, then?"

Lily blushed, "Stephan Walsh," she whispered. "He was nice but I don't think we hit off or anything," she sighed with a slight roll of eyes.

The two girls straightened as Professor McGonagall entered the class, her face softened at the sight of Daphne and she cleared her throat, "Nice to see you again, Miss Rosier," she spoke as everyone turned to look at her. "No need to stare at her. Take your wand and continue where we left off last class. Miss Evans, I'm sure you will take your time to explain what we are supposed to do to Miss Rosier?"

"Surely, Professor."

The rest of the class went well, better than she expected to be honest. Lily had been nice all along, and very careful about the subjects of conversation—not that she minded. Daphne was thankful to not hear about James and his friends. Hearing them laugh in the back of the class was already too much to handle. Daphne decided to go to the library her to catch up on the missing essays, she promised every professors she would hand them back before the end of the next week.

To her surprise, Pandora, Regulus and Evan were there studying and whispering. She took a seat next to her brother and smiled at him. Evan swung an arm around Daphne's shoulders, brought her closer and kissed her forehead.

"There you are," he said teasingly. "Pandy, Reg and I were talking about how much you would have to catch up," he chuckled as she slapped his chest playfully.

"Don't bloody remind me," she mumbled. "Since when does Professor Flitwick ask for essays?"

Pandora chuckled, "I could help you with that, if you need to," she chirped in and Daphne sent her a grateful smile. "How are you?"

"Good, thank you," she replied honestly. Because, believe it or not, she did feel good. "Reg, do you think Slughorn would let us use the lab?"

"I could ask him," Regulus replied. "I have a class with him after."

"Great," Daphne grinned, she then nudged Evan. "Reckon we could talk?"

Evan hummed, "Sure. I will follow you," he spoke as they rose on their feet. "What is going on?"

Daphne played nervously with her fingers, clearing her throat. When did she become so nervous? "I just wanted to say sorry for how I acted," she muttered. "I was a wreck and I did not think correctly. I shouldn't have pushed you away, I'm sorry."

"Daph, it's alright," he said softly, and Daphne wondered if he had ever used that soft voice with her before—it felt like she was a broken thing that he was afraid to break, perhaps he was right. "You are here now, it is all that matters," he added, cupping her face.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, not knowing to say. "I ought to do better, I know," she told him, sniffling and taking a deep breath in.

Daphne hated it. The attention. In the Great Hall, in classes, in the halls—she was getting it everywhere and she couldn't stand it. James and his friends hadn't laid an eye on her ever since she came back and she found herself staring, in hopes one of them would stare back. Challenge her. But, none of them did.

"Don't pressure yourself, please," he pleaded, his voice shaky. "I don't want to lose you because of it."

The mark.

"Me neither," she confessed.

Evan looked at her and leaned down, kissing the top of her head, "I will always be here, no matter what," he whispered, embracing her into a tight hug and Daphne couldn't help but let the tears escape. "Let it all out, Daph."

After what seemed like an eternity, Daphne pulled herself out of her brother's arms and dried her tears rapidly. He offered her a wide smile and ruffled her hair as she complained loudly, pushing him away. Evan laughed, bringing a smile on her face. For the first time in weeks, it felt like everything was back to normal.

"I am meeting Lily tonight, don't except me in the common room," she told him as he licked his lips, and hummed. "I just thought I would tell you."

"Great," he gave her a nod. "I like that Lily girl," he then added as they walked back in the library. "She seems fierce with her red-hair."

Daphne snorted, "Trust me, she is," she answered. "It is quite surprising, though. I never thought you would think anything good of Lily Evans."

Evan chuckled, "Well, she is quite alright," he confessed.

...

Night had fallen on Scotland as most students were in their common rooms, except for Daphne. There she was, sitting on Lily's couch as the red-hair prepared tea. She had spent all afternoon in the library, catching up on her missing essays and spending time with her friends.

"Fancy this place?" Lily asked as she caught Daphne looking around. "I love it," she admitted with a chuckle. "Thank Cerce, James hasn't agreed on coming living there too."

"Too fancy for him, isn't it?" Daphne laughed and Lily gaped at her. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

"Merlin, I'm so sorry," she pressed. "I shouldn't have talked about Potter, at all," she added, bitting her lower lip. "Are you angry at me?"

"Lils, I'm not angry at you for talking about James," she answered with a sad smile. "So, you knew?"

Lily nodded softly, "He couldn't keep his mouth shut about you—I'm sorry. We really shouldn't talk about him," she said. "How is your brother? He came talk to me a few times," she chuckled.

"About what?" Daphne frowned as she brought the cup of coffee to her lips. "He never told me."

"It was all in secret, of course," she whispered. "He just wanted to know if I knew why you were refusing to leave your dorm," she admitted, swallowing. "I didn't tell him, don't worry."

"Thank you," Daphne smiled, feeling a little better than when she had started her day. "Is he—"

"No," she replied instantly. "I am not going to lie, Daph. He's in bad shape," she added. "But, I think he is getting better. Just like you are."

"I hope so," she whispered back.

...

"Pads, I'm going to see Lils," James whispered as he grabbed his glasses from his nightstand.

The boys had agreed on going to bed early so they could be in perfect shape for the full moon tomorrow. It had become something normal to do, quite like a routine really; they would go to bed early, have a good and calm day then head out to the Shack. But, tonight, like every other night (if he was honest with himself) James couldn't sleep. He couldn't find any sleep, and nothing worked. Counting sheep like Lily had told him to do didn't work anymore, the tiring Quidditch practices either and besides they would end in a few weeks. Nothing worked.

Though, he had managed to find some sleep. At Lily's side. She had been extremely gentle with him, throughout the whole break-up...to his own surprise, really. Lily Evans was nice and actually enjoyed being with James, something he thought would never ever happen. Whenever he couldn't find sleep, he would find his way to the small apartment they shared and he would talk with her until his eyes were too heavy. Safe to say that the sofa was extremely comfortable.

"Sure," Sirius replied sleepily. "Hey, Prongs," he called before James could walk through the door. "Are you sure it is wise for you to meet Evans every night?"

James hummed, "Well, there is nothing wrong with it," he replied offensively. "I mean, she helps me sleep, that is all. Go back to bed, Sirius," he ordered softly, not wanting to talk about his coping mechanisms anymore.

"Whatever," he heard Sirius mumble as he closed the door.

A few students were still up in the common room, most of them were seventh year studying or writing essays they hadn't done yet. Thankfully, James was grateful for Remus and the girls—they had helped him with each one of his essay. Parts of him wondered if Daphne had gotten help too. Usually, she would be the one helping him and vice-versa.

Perks of being Head Boy was that no one was questioning his late walks through the castle, not even teachers or ghosts. So, James found himself strolling peacefully through the hallways. Reaching the entrance of the room, he stopped dead in his tracks as he heard laughing from inside. He knew Lily wasn't seeing a bloke tonight or she would have told him, so who was it? He pressed the side of his face to hear the voice a little clearer, what he heard completely made him freeze. It wasn't a bloke, no...it was Daphne.

"Oh, someone must be at the door," Lily replied. Oh, right! The bloody alarm. Why was she so clever? Before James could even disappear, the doorknob turned and the door flew open. "Ja—"

"I'm sorry, so sorry," he hurried himself, running a hand through his hair. "I didn't think you'd be with someone, especially not her," he pressed.

Lily frowned, "What do you mean by 'especially not her'?" She queried.

He scratched the back of his neck, suddenly ashamed, "I-I thought you were on my side," he replied and he frowned at himself for sounding so...selfish, childish? "Fuck, that's not what I meant," he added rapidly.

"It's alright, Lil. I'll just go," Daphne's voice dripped like honey and he clenched his jaw just at the thought of setting his eyes on her.

Lily snapped her head towards Daphne, "You're bloody not leaving this room, Daphne," she warned, then looked at James again. "And, you..."

But before she could continue, Daphne had grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from the door frame leaving enough place from James to see them both. He swallowed as her eyes locked with his and she gave him a sad apologetic smile. The ones he never thought he would see from her. The kind of smile he hated actually. It was bittersweet. Bitter to see her again and so sad, but sweet because she had smiled. And at him.

"I'm sorry, James," Daphne's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. "If you want to talk with Lily, I can leave," she added.

Her voice was shaking lightly and he wondered if his presence made her feel that way. James shook his head, taking a step back, "No, it's alright. I will just go back to my dorm, then," he answered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he nodded, chewing on his lower lip. "It can wait. I'm sure she will be here next morning, won't she?"

Daphne chuckled softly, "I am pretty sure she's not planning on leaving tonight, so yes," she replied.

"Night," he whispered.

Daphne nodded her head, leaning against the door frame, "Night, James." She watched him leave until something came back to her mind. "Oi!" She shouted and he turned on his heels, giving her a quizzed look. "Take care of Remus," she uttered as she remembered the full moon in a few days. She watched how James' face relaxed and his lips twitched into a shy smile.

"Aye, aye, Captain," he shouted back.

A smile graced her features as she heard the so-familiar sentence. She waited until he was out of her sight to walk back into Lily's room, and released a breathe she didn't know she had been holding since she heard his voice. As she sat down, she came to the realisation that she would never ever hear him say 'aye, aye, Captain' again.

—————
authors note, it's been a long time I KNOW! but i've been on holidays in spain and AWAY from the devastating heatwave in france...

daphne and james being lowkey (hum hum) painful... i'm sorry, loves but they have to go through this pain.

i hope you are ALL okay and everyone is staying hydrated!! love you and thank you for the support <333