i'm in a mood.

it's not sad, not happy.
not angry, jealous, depressed.
not hopeful.

nostalgic?

we put in the air conditioner yesterday. the sudden cold reminds me of how i always locked myself in my room last year.

as soon as i hung up a skype call, i had a sudden realization that i was trying too hard to make it like last year.
and to be honest, i want the happy parts back.

but holy hell, i don't want the fleas back.

or the cutting.

or losing so many friends.

there were lots of good things. i met you guys, and i realized i actually had friends, even if they weren't face to face.

if i close my eyes, i can bring up the perfect sensory creation of last summer.

the feeling of cold water enveloping my body.
a warmer liquid rolling down my icy wrist, staining the perfectly clear water. but just like that, it's a scar.
the scent of wildflowers, with a hint of chlorine in the background.
a world of black and white, suddenly erupting into precious color.
the taste of peanut butter, that never goes away.
an intricate song playing in the background that speaks to me, that knows about who i am.
the wetness on my cheeks, maybe sadness, maybe happiness.
my fingertips barely brushing past someone and i begin to float away...
but then latching on to her, holding on with all my might, forcing myself to stay above water.

...there are moments.

i miss the times when i would actually stay up all night.
it hasn't even happened once this year.

currently, it's 1:20 am.

i could do it...

but do i want the past me, or the me that has changed?
the me that will still do anything for her friends, who knows enough to help?

i was all too innocent.

you're all important to me, no matter who you are. no matter how many times i may say i hate you, it's just my emotions. i'm a childish person, and i freak out over little things, and i can't help it. it's a legitimate issue.

but i don't care.

you're important, like i said.

sorry for an update that doesn't make any sense, but enjoy??