Every tick of the clock reminds me of the time I've let slip by. Every tick-tock reminds me of time I could be using to track down Leane and Jeremy. I squeeze my eyes shut, letting a tear roll down my cheek. I hate feeling fragile. I hate feeling angry. Sometimes, I hate feeling anything at all.

Humanity crumbles with each breath I take. If I sleep, the faces of the dead haunt me. If I lay awake, I can't stop thinking. Of my enemies. Of what I want to do to them. Of everything. So, I just lay awake a two a.m and let my demons consume me.

When I close my eyes, I see Hannah and Annette. I watch them die. I watch myself leave Teresa behind. I watch Harper die all over again while I'm carried out of the school gym. I see Monica removing her Chip before dying.

Everyone's dying, and sometimes I feel like I'm right there with them.

Then, I sit up and open my eyes. I remember what and who I have to fight for. Tears spill freely down my cheeks as I reach for my journal on my nightstand. Shakily, I flip to the first clean page and put pen to paper. My tears splash onto the page and it feels like someone is trying to squeeze my heart until it collapses. My chest is tight and I feel like everything is on fire. Maybe the world is, just like that night.

When I squeeze my eyes shut, I see the ice creamery on fire. I see hundred of people walking the streets while mind controlled by Leane. So much blood, so many bodies. I open my eyes and let out a squeaky sob. I feel like Leane will burst through the door any minute, a gun to my heart. Or worse, a gun to Cody's head. Or to Eva's heart. Or maybe I'll hear my parents cry out like they did the night Jared's people broke into my house and shot my dad.

Panic fills my lungs and I can't breath. I throw the journal to the floor and hop off the bed. I can't stop pacing. Can't stop breathing heavy. Can't stop clawing at my chest like that will make the suffering go away. My fist connects with the wall. I don't hit hard enough to break a bone, but it stings slightly.

My pain will never make up for the lives that have been lost. For deaths I witnessed, and for the names they showed on T.V after Leane tried to take over the city. Or the people who I recruited to help that had to fight the government and Jared.

I tug a hand through my hair. I can't breathe, and I can't think straight. I open the door to my room and rush to my parent's room. The door's ajar, and I can just make out their sleeping frames. I let out a breath of relief and resist the urge to check if they're breathing. Turning away, I head to the kitchen.

Everyone's right to hate me. It is my fault, just like Harold said on the T.V. Just like jared said two months ago after it all happened. I let those people die. I should've fought myself. I started this mess, and I let people die. I let their blood run, and it was all my fault. I'm not saying I don't hate Jared and Harold. I'm saying that they're right about one thing; it's all my fault.

I pour myself a glass of water and gulp it down in one go. I want to throw the glass and watch it shatter. Instead, I place it carefully inside the sink. My arm shakes as I do so. I can't breathe again. I collapse to the floor and hug my knees to my chest. Everything hurts. Thinking. Breathing. Living.

If I close my eyes the nightmare is still there. The nightmare that I woke up to tonight, the one with so many dead bodies and so much crimson blood.

"It's all my fault," I whisper. I rock myself back and forth, staring ahead at nothing. "Why hasn't anyone killed me by now? Why do they let me live?"

My nails dig into my leg. I wish those bullets would've killed me. Why did I have to live while Hannah died? Or while Harper gave her life for my cause? What cause? What am I doing?

A strangled sob comes out of me. I glance down at my watch. It's now three a.m.

I bury my face in my legs. I don't move until the fire in my chest vanishes and the shaking stops. I lift my head and glance around. It's okay, Autumn. No one's coming for you. Or for your parents.

Slowly, I lift myself off the ground. I walk to the front door and fling it open, shutting it ever so softly. After making sure the alarm is set, I walk down the street. I half expect someone to stop me and ask me why I'm breaking curfew. I know there hasn't been a curfew since the time I eliminated the first Chips, but it almost doesn't feel like it. Then again, there seem to be more demons in my head than in physical flesh and bone.

I keep walking. I pass Mrs. Jenny's house. The grass is trimmed, a sea of shadow. The porch sits empty, as they're all asleep. Molly has been staying with her parents, and I'm glad they have her. Yet, I feel like they will all perish. I feel like all the lights are off because Harold took them. I feel like tomorrow, people will shout at me because Molly and all of them died. Because of me.

I keep walking, wrapping my arms around myself. I know it's not true. It can't be, right? Gulping in a deep breath, I keep walking. Faux trees sway in the slight breeze. Street lights cast faint shadows, and orange light highlights a few bushes and houses. Breathing fresh air makes everything better until I smell the smoke of the ice creamery. Until I gag from the stench of blood.

I try to remember walking to school every day. I try to remember the time Cody walked to school with me. I try to remember meeting Cody a few streets away to discuss my Chip, which had fallen out. Then, I remember what it all led to.

I pass familiar mansions. My chest tightens as I pass Jared's. His cat sits in the bushes, watching me. Maybe when he kicked his poor cat, I should've taken the hint from God. Maybe I shouldn't have given him a chance to hurt anyone. To betray me. To form an alliance with his dad and the government.

I glance down at my hand. It's now I notice the sparks igniting in my fingertips. I allow it to grow until a ball of electricity sits in the palm of my hand. Keeping a steady pace, I bring the ball of electricity level with my face. It doesn't scare me. It hums and buzzes, and for a split second, I feel alive. That's before I remember I'm dangerous and that I have the power to kill people. I throw the ball at the concrete and watch it sizzle before blackening.

"Autumn?"

I jump backwards, hands forward and sizzling. Immediately, I drop them. "Don't scare me like that."

Cody sighs. "What are you doing out here?"

I shrug. "What are you doing out here?"

"I was thinking. Outside my house. What about you?"

I press my face against his chest and wrap my arms around him. "Just shut up and hug me."

He does, wrapping his arms tightly around me and resting his chin on my head. "Nightmares?"

"Yeah."

He's the only one that knows about the nightmares. My parents shouldn't worry. Eva has her own problems thinking about Jared. Avery and Aubrey are trying to strengthen themselves and their relationship. They don't need to hear about my problems.

"Why didn't you call me?"

I shrug, pulled away from him. The tears come back. Before I can wipe them away, Cody does. His hazel eyes radiate concern and I hate it. I hate that he has to worry about me. All I am is a problem.

"Stop," he says gently.

"Stop what?"

"I know you're blaming yourself for something. I know you've taken that crap Harold and Jared said to heart."

I sigh, wrapping my arms around myself. His blonde hair almost looks orange due to a nearby streetlight. He radiates safely like he always has. He would be the perfect person for them to take away from me. I look down at the concrete.

He gently places a hand under my chin and lifts it. "Autumn, I mean it. It's okay to be broken, but don't let them get inside your head."

"It's my fault, Cody. It always will be. People are dead because of me. People will get hurt because of me. It's-"

I'm cut off by his lips pressing against mine.

"Autumn," he murmurs when he pulls away. "It's not your fault. They're the ones killing them, not you. You save people."

"I lead them to their death."

He sighs, then grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. "Do you want some ice cream? My aunt brought some over. She said the ice creamery should be completely rebuilt soon."

I nod, scared to speak. It's my fault the ice creamery burned down. I don't care what he says; I can't stop blaming myself.

He leads me inside and sets me on the couch. I numbly stare ahead as he goes to fetch the ice cream. He always makes me feel better, even if it is just a little bit. At least I feel a bit safer. At least I feel numb and not panicked. It's the little things.

Cody sits beside me and wordlessly passes me a silver bowl. I take it and lift the spoon. My lips twitch into a smile. My favorite flavor.

"Thank you."

"Welcome."

I take a bite and savor it. Ice cream can't fix everything, but it can make me feel better in this moment. I lean my head against Cody's shoulder. He kisses my hair and I full on smile as I eat another spoonful of ice cream. The right people can make your world feel like it's right side up again.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah."

"Do you still blame yourself?"

I feel calmer now, but I'll still never forget. I'll never forget everyone I watched die. "I can't stop blaming myself. You know this. You know the faces I see in my sleep."

"I know. And you know I wish I could've stopped Jeremy, or Jared, or his dad. I'm related to those scumbags."

I snuggle closer to him and take another bite of my ice cream. "But you're good."

"So are you."

"We have to find Leane and Jeremy," I blurt out.

He sighs. "They're not a threat right now. We don't need a wild goose chase."

"They'll come back. I owe it to the world to stop this, Cody."

He wraps an arm around me. "Let's just take it a day at a time."

"Everyday I'm losing my mind piece by piece," I say.

He pulls me closer. "Well, that's what I'm for; to collect the pieces and put them back together."

I laugh lightly. "Yeah. Sure."

We finish our ice cream in silence. I try to forget everything but the feeling of sitting next to him. I try to forget every face but his. I try to forget every feeling but love.

It's sort of working.

-----

Soooooo, thoughts? I feel like it would be unrealistic for Autumn to be perfectly fine after everything she's been through, so I've done a lot of research to try to make everything seem as real as possible.

Any predictions so far?

How do you think you'd be after going through everything Autumn has?

-Sarah