"Whatever you feel, whatever you see, just stay like that, whatever you do..."

~Whatever You Do-Crush Feat. GRAY

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Yoongi looked up at Seokjin like he was crazy, trying to disregard everything he had just said and what had just happened. Yoongi could see it in Seokjin's eyes, and Jin could probably see it in his--fear. Yoongi's were tinted with desperation, Jin's with worry, his eyebrows almost meeting in the middle of his forehead. Neither wanted to actually say anything, a silent communication that any word uttered would just about break Yoongi were the only 'words' spoken between the two.

He knew, he didn't have to be told, but to hear the words was to accept it, and he wasn't going to accept it.

Jin paused, then took out his phone, dialing a number and putting it to his ear, looking up at the ceiling while he waited for someone to pick up. Namjoon walked back to his room, not saying anything, taking on the same vow of silence that the others had.

Kyung-mi took no such vow, looking up worried, still on Yoongi's shoulder, her breath on his neck both chilling and comforting until it quickened and she loudly whispered, "Oppa, who are you calling? What's going on? Everyone is so quiet suddenly..."

Jin looked away a bit troubled, then glanced at Yoongi, "I'm calling someone who can help...To see if..." Seokjin paused, not wanting to say exactly what he was thinking, "Maybe Yoongi is just tired..."

"Bullshit!!" Yoongi yelled suddenly, breaking the silence, his word like a knife through a balloon full to bursting, "You know.....You know damn well you don't just wake up and see things that aren't there!"

"Yoongi is crazy...?" Kyung-mi asked softly, probably not the best way to put it at that moment. But she asked what everyone else refused to ask, putting the actual words into the air that became forbidden as soon as the thought crossed anyone's mind. She might as well have summoned a demon, her words were that effective in the room.

"No, he's not, he probably had a Night Terror, honest to god, kids get it all the time, they see things, they start screaming, freaking out, it's not a big deal..." Jin said still waiting on the phone for the other person to pick up.

Yoongi looked down, hiding his facial expression with his hair, underneath his mouth was twisted into a harsh line, a forced straight face, his teeth digging into the inside of his cheeks and lips, his eyes stinging with tears. He couldn't let them spill down his cheeks, couldn't let a single whimper or wail escape his lips. He didn't know why it hurt so much. He'd thought how many times, 'I must be crazy', it had crossed his mind so many times before, but as a reality, a possibility, it felt like nothing but a sinking feeling, like dying in slow motion, like being shot with ice and left to die.

If I'm crazy, then what has been real? What is my imagination? What was reality? What is reality? Did my mother hurt me or didn't she? Is she really just trying to help? Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat?!

Yoongi grabbed his head, curling up a bit. His mind was frantic, running faster with ideas than it should at this point, and he turned and hugged Kyung-mi, wanting to feel grounded, wanting a better way to hide his tears which were now slowly running down his face in hot little droplets down his cold face. Kyung-mi was confused, but embraced him anyway, probably feeling every tear that dripped off his chin to land on her shoulder, leaving little wet marks on the T-shirt she was wearing.

Jin was talking, saying something to the person on the other side of the line, but Yoongi wasn't listening, instead, gripping tightly onto Kyung-mi, in his head, the room didn't exist except for her. And it wasn't in the cliché romantic way as if all he could see was her visage, but rather, the room didn't exist without her there. She grounded him, kept him from going to his head and seeing himself sitting in a black nothingness with only himself.

"She's expecting us...," Jin said softly, "She's up and wide awake, as I thought she would be and wants to see Yoongi right away."

"Mom?" Kyung-mi asked softly.

Yoongi didn't hear anything after that, but he guessed Seokjin had nodded, and next thing he knew, Namjoon was pulling him away from Kyung-mi, not so much forcibly, since by then, he had gone a little limp realizing that Kyung-mi's mother was a doctor, she took in sick kids, mentally ill kids, and he was going to see her. The thought made his skin ice, made his skin rough with goosebumps. No one wants to be crazy, he knew that to be true. However, that didn't mean the very thought of it didn't scare him, that it didn't invoke fear for whatever reason. He couldn't be grounded with a mental disease, not if he wanted to get away from this place, not if he wanted to be free.

~~~

The walk wasn't long, but it was sure as hell dark. Yoongi had put on a black hoodie, pulled the hood over his head, and hidden his face almost the whole time, both because it was cold at night, and because he didn't want to bother talking to anyone until he absolutely had to, which was imminent since he was going to see a psychiatrist. No amount of preparation could prepare him to be mentally evaluated.

When they came to the house he had been to not so long ago when saving Kyung-mi, the door was opened before they had gotten to it. And there stood a woman in her two-piece, teddy bear printed, button-up cotton pajamas, her dark hair done up in a hastily made bun, and big fuzzy slippers on her feet, waving at them in with an unintelligible whisper.

Oh, kill me now. Yoongi thought to himself but went in with the rest of them. Yoongi was actually surprised they all came to see if he was alright at all.

"Oh! It's you!" The psychiatrist said, a little loud and covered her mouth immediately after, "I know you...You snuck into my house." She laughed.

Yoongi was glad she found that funny, she could have easily called the cops.

Seokjin smiled and interjected, sort of getting in between them, "Thank you so much for doing this so late at night Mrs. Park... I was just.....scared....for him..."

Yoongi frowned. What the fuck had gotten into Seokjin? He sounds concerned, and about him too.

It couldn't be though.

Mrs. Park's eyes widened, "Oh my goodness, it's no trouble at all! I've wanted to pick this boy's brain since I found out Kyung-mi gets along with him~." She said and winked at Yoongi, "Let's go up to my office, huh?"

She started walking up the stairs and he started to follow, then he looked back at Kyung-mi, realizing he didn't want to go alone. In fact, not that he didn't trust Mrs. Park, or that he couldn't handle himself, he just dreaded a moment where he was the focus, and she would sit patiently across from him waiting to explain his life.

But, he could be tough if Kyung-mi was there. It was the truth, whether it was showing off or not, he knew what to say with her around.

"You wanna bring a buddy into the torture chamber?" Mrs. Park joked, "You're welcome to it, just the both of you had better be quiet, Jimin and Taehyung are sawing logs* pretty good up there." She said with a laugh.

Yoongi looked at Kyung-mi for a second, then took her hand and made her go with him whether she liked it or not, his grip on her hand tight and cutting off her circulation.

Mrs. Park wasn't wrong, there was absolutely deep sleep happening upstairs, it was especially loud as the boys had both left their doors slightly open. Peeking in, Yoongi could see Jimin laying curled up in his bed, his mouth slightly open and cuddling his blanket, his room a mess. And in the next room, he saw the once infamous Kim Taehyung, curled up and talking softly in his sleep, a fluffy white dog curled up next to him and under his arm. He couldn't understand why Jaehwa regarded them as a threat to her silicone reign.

Mrs. Park lead them into her office, and Yoongi was guided into sitting in a chair by her desk, not anything all the comfortable like on TV shows where psychiatrist's had big fancy chairs and fainting couches, just a plain wooden chair.

"I'm not crazy." Yoongi blurted immediately, "don't fucking treat me like a child, don't act like I don't understand, I'm not a moron."

Mrs. Park mouthed the word, 'Wow', nodding softly and looking at a notebook, "You're very defensive."

"I have a right to be, you're evaluating my brain." Yoongi shot back, watching her carefully.

Mrs. Park looked up at him, putting n reading glasses, "It's not an evaluation, Yoongi."

"What the hell is it then? It looks like one."

Mrs. Park frowned, "It's me, talking to you, trying to help, I cannot compare how someone else's brain works to a mass population and tell you there's something wrong with you because you don't think the same. Thinking is different from person to person. Such as Picasso is not the same as Rembrandt, no person is alike." She reached out and touched Yoongi's shoulder, gripping it, looking into his eyes, "Trust me..., that's not easy, I know, but let go, tell me what you saw....anything you thought was strange..."

Yoongi squinted at her, not quite trusting her, but not really having a reason to distrust her, "What I saw when...?"

"Was there some other time you saw something strange?"

Yoongi had to think on that, there were several strange things he'd seen, "I see... someone I didn't like... in place of something that made me happy..." He paused, "I see the devil in the place of an angel...I see poison in place of water...." Yoongi looked down, thinking it over, Mrs. Park Only seeming to stare at him, expecting him to continue, but he really had nothing else to say about it, that being about the expanse of what he knew of himself.

Mrs. Park cleared her throat and smiled softly, her eyes obviously searching for more in the statement, "How real is it to you? This sense of impending....threat? Is nothing good truly good? How physical is it? Can it hurt you? Can it touch you?"

Yoongi glanced at Kyung-mi, then at her mother, "It can't hurt me, but it can touch me..." He said, thinking on when he felt Jae-hwa's nails on him.

Mrs. Park was scribbling something down on her notebook, frowning a bit, then she peeked up at him, "Does it scare you? Not just this, but the running..." Yoongi looked up at her surprised and she waved her hand as if to dismiss the questions he was about to ask, "I know about your mother.....I know she's looking for you, I know what she did to you." She said carefully and slowly, "But I know she did more, something you didn't tell Namjoon, or Seokjin...Something you're not going to tell anyone... Is that why you're seeing things, Yoongi? Do you think that's why?"

Yoongi caught sight of Kyung-mi frowning, confused, and he couldn't look her way, and just nodded, "Y.....yes..... That's probably w-why...." Yoongi started, tears coming down his face, remembering.

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* sawing logs refers to the sound of snoring, implying that they're sleeping deeply and sleeping well

A/N:

I just wanna make something absolutely clear in reflection to the current drama which was started apparently because of an incorrect translation.

I, in no way, regard any of the members of BTS to actually have a mental illness, and in no way imply that its okay to say to their face anything reflecting that. As someone who has a fair share of anxiety and depression, I know how it hurts to have someone say that to your face, to treat that flaw as your entire identity and I just, of course, want to put a friendly reminder that a person as they are and WHO they are is bigger than a diagnosis or what a doctor puts on them.

I'm just honestly a kid studying psych who is very interested in how people work and writing this helps me get out current struggles, past struggles, dreams and ideas about theories in BTS MVs

also, hi, soft yoongi next chapter because I'm angerrrry that people don't see how soft he is 

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Leaving you with uwu Yoongs, join the #uwuyoongisquad today, darn itt ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

~Neri