It was just her time to go.

That was what the veterinarian said after Rain's body was taken in.

Numerous tests from previous clinic visits were looked at to see if the feline had silently been ill; if she had some sort of missed growth or abnormality that could explain her sudden departure. Despite their best efforts, however, multiple eyes confirmed that prior scans were normal. Aside from a bit of joint deterioration from aging, she didn't have any substantial health issues.

With her last visit having been less than a month ago, the timing of her death just didn't make sense.

The only answer the doctor could formulate had to do with Rain's seniority as an animal.

She wasn't the oldest cat, but she was definitely on her way. There was a possibility that her body started shutting down after her last clinic appointment with no one noticing. And since the average lifespan of her breed was roughly fifteen years, it wasn't outlandish for her to pass from natural causes at twelve.

That simple explanation didn't give Alessandro any comfort.

Understanding the frightening and traumatic experience that came about with finding a deceased pet, the veterinarian gave—alongside a heartfelt apology—a rundown about Rain's final moments.

The doctor expressed how cats could partially sense when their death was arriving. Whether it be because of illness, pain, exhaustion—felines understood, to an extent, that serious changes were happening.

In her search for support, Rain most likely settled down in the bedroom because her owner's scent marked the territory. He wasn't there at the time, so her second option was to seek consolation from a shared, familiar space. It gave her the protection she may have yearned for when passing away.

The knowledge that Rain died alone—without Alessandro there to say goodbye—was a punch in the fucking stomach.

It was the only thing he could think about during a quiet drive back home.

*

The front door was pushed open hard enough for it to slam into the wall.

Quick strides were taken toward the bedroom, green eyes purposely not looking at a tiny bed on the couch or a small bowl still housing some dry food.

Walking without a furry little body doing the same alongside him was unnerving. As was the lacking sensation of a soft head nudging the sides of his lower legs in unspoken adoration.

Footsteps were heard following behind, but they were disregarded.

Work clothes were pulled off and thrown into the hamper. As soon as the outfit was replaced with shorts and a T-shirt, a pair of warm hands settled against broad shoulders. The gentle touch brought about an involuntary shudder. It caused a delicate, fluttering sensation to swarm in his chest as well.

Whether the sensation was good or bad was unclear.

"...I'm sorry, Andro." Lance didn't attempt to hide the waver in his voice. "But you have to know that this isn't your fault. Things like this just happen sometimes."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Lance's hands were shrugged off. Alessandro clenched his jaw while walking out of the room.

He could feel himself slipping further. Heart shattering grief was quickly morphing into blinding anger. At who or what, he couldn't really say. But the descent was coming too forcefully.

Instead of easing his grief, an outstretched hand exacerbated it.

Bare feet padded against the cold floor. Trembling hands wrapped around the neck of a bottle of wine. A cork top was screwed off and tossed elsewhere.

Since the normal antidepressants weren't in his system, there was no need to stick with the regime of drinking in moderation.

Before anything else could happen though, the bottle was taken away.

"Give that back to me, Lance."

"No."

"Lance-"

"No, Andro. You're not in the right headspace right now to be drinking. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Normally, it'd be sweet that Lance was genuinely worried.

Now wasn't one of those moments.

Alessandro felt himself shaking in rage. "I'm already hurting! What does it matter if I put myself through more pain?! It hasn't up to this point- why the fuck would it matter to me now?!"

He didn't know where all of this was coming from. He didn't want to actually confess his true state of mind in such a way. Unfortunately, it was difficult to hold his tongue when the chance of reprieve had literally been stolen from him.

Anger continued to climb with every passing second.

"Andro-"

"Just give me the damn bottle. And let me deal with things the way I need to."

Lance's eyebrows furrowed, and he frowned. "Drinking away your problems isn't going to help you deal with them. It's only going to numb your pain, and then it's going to hit you even harder when you're sober."

"Well, you're always saying I shouldn't worry about the future."

"That's not what I mean, and you know it. Don't try to twist my words." A sigh cut the statement short. "Look, I'm trying to stay calm here because I know you're in a lot more pain than I might think. And I know you need to grieve. I know. I know that without your meds, all of your feelings are whirling around in a big ass tornado. But you aren't going to get any help by downing a bottle of wine."

"Oh? And what do you think I should do? Since you seem to have all the answers here." Alessandro sneered.

A small voice in his head was screaming at him to stop talking. To stop directing all of this misplaced hostility at an innocent person. To get a grip before things fell apart even further.

But the lid that kept his boxed emotions hidden had finally popped off. Things were spilling out at a faster rate than they could be picked up.

Lance took a steadying breath. "I think you need to talk to someone. I think you need someone to just... let you ride out your feelings without forcing you to go through this by yourself."

The statement was met with a bemused laugh.

"And what- you think I'm just going to let that happen? You think I'm going to be open about my problems just because you asked? I've been hiding shit for years now. That isn't about to change just because you want me to." No. No, no—Alessandro didn't mean that. He didn't mean any of that. "...Why don't you just worry about yourself, and let me worry about me. There's enough shit on your plate."

"There's enough on your plate too-"

"There's always been too much on my plate. You didn't help me deal with it before. Don't try to do so now."

Lance slammed the wine bottle atop the counter. "What the fuck is your problem, Andro?! Why are you acting like you're not allowed to be helped-"

"Because I'm not!" Alessandro shot back. Genuine frustration caused uncomfortable heat to pool in his face. "I'm not allowed to be helped because I wasn't there! Rain needed me, and I wasn't there for her! Just like I wasn't there for you!"

His mouth clamped shut. Dread began to set in.

That honest confession—one which had been hidden for over a decade—just opened the gateway to a much bigger, more prevalent issue at hand. An issue that was never able to see the light and was consequently never resolved.

Based on Lance's shocked expression, there was no way of shielding those deep rooted problems any longer.

"What- what are you talking about-"

"Our breakup! Shit has been supremely fucked up in both of our lives because of our breakup! It was my fault, and the one fucking time you really needed me- I wasn't there for you!"

"What does one have to do with the other?! What does Rain have to do with us splitting?!"

"Everything!" Alessandro dropped his hands against his thighs. "She was the last semblance of our old relationship! She was a reminder of all the things that I fucked up and desperately tried to fix! I thought I was doing well because- because you finally started having feelings for me again! But now Rain is gone- and it's like a fucking declaration that all of this- us, my feelings for you, your feelings for me, me trying to fix shit- it's all for fucking nothing! If this isn't proof to tell me that we shouldn't be together, I don't know what else would be!"

"For fuck's sake, Andro- you already know what we used to have is gone! What we have now has nothing to do with that!"

"It has everything to do with that! If it hadn't been for my fuck up in the past, we never would've broken up! We never would've split! I wouldn't have fucked us both up so catastrophically! But go ahead- tell me how our breakup doesn't mean shit to the relationship we have now!"

"That's not fair, Alessandro. You know that."

"What- and you think our breakup was fair?!" The little voice in Alessandro's head was getting louder and louder. But he still didn't acknowledge it. His lips kept moving even though he urgently wanted them to stop. "We split, and you went off to do whatever you wanted! You know what I got from our breakup?! Fucking PTSD, issues when it comes to intimacy, and the inability to live life the way I could've!"

"Well, boo-fucking-hoo." Lance finally gave in to his own frustration. He crossed his arms over his chest to shield himself. "You act like our breakup was fucking peachy for me! Newsflash, asshole- it wasn't! It took me years to build myself up after you went and screwed it all up! But go off- tell me that it's my fault when you ripped our relationship to pieces!"

Alessandro took a step back.

The rebuttal was like a harsh blow to the chest.

He did his best to shield his emotional pain. It must've shown on his face though, because Lance immediately deflated.

"...Maybe you're right." Green eyes darted to the floor. An anguished expression shifted to a neutral one. Tight fists unclenched. "Maybe- maybe I'm not good for you. Maybe it'd be better for me to just stay away like you wanted."

"No- Andro- that's not-"

"Don't call me that. Don't give me false hope. We can never fix us. It was stupid of me to think that we ever could."

"Dammit- Andro, listen-"

"I'm sorry for pushing myself so heavily on you. It was my mistake. It won't happen again."

Alessandro felt himself cracking on the inside. He felt like he was going to explode. He felt like he was going to burst into tears or pull his hair out. His chest ached. His stomach hurt.

Everything just felt so broken.

It was all crumbling too fast. And just like back then, the harsh plummet was his fault.

An attempt was made to leave the room, but a firm hand kept him in place. "Goddammit, Alessandro- don't walk away from me!"

Lance's shouting forced the metaphorical box of feelings to burst completely. "Why not?! You told me I'm too persistent! That I'm too hung up on the past! And now that I'm letting you go- now you want me to stop?!"

"Well, maybe I don't want you to! Have you ever fucking considered that maybe I need you in my life?!"

"Why the fuck would you want something like that from someone like me?!"

"Because I care about you, dumbass!"

The thought of Lance still caring, even after everything that's transpired between them, filled Alessandro with crippling fear.

"Maybe you shouldn't."

He tried to walk away again. Tightened fingers against his arm kept him rooted in his spot.

"You- if you leave now, all you'll be proving to me is that you haven't changed since back then!"

And just like that, Alessandro saw red. "Don't do that- don't try to guilt trip me! I'm not the one who walked away last time! You did!"

"Yeah- but I walked away because I caught you-"

"I've never cheated on you, Lance!"

Both men froze. Agonizing silence settled around them. The sound of rippling pool water could be heard in the background. Against uncomfortable stillness, the faint noise was too loud.

"Bullshit! I know what I saw! And that was you, shirtless, locking lips with that skank-"

"Look at me." Alessandro grabbed Lance by both of his shoulders and pulled him close. Despite feeling an array of negative emotions, the grip was loose. "Fucking look at me. If you can read me so well, look me in the goddamn eye, and tell me I'm lying."

Lance tried to struggle but still did as told.

Bluish gray met green, and the close vicinity made the colors look even brighter than normal. A wild spark could be felt in their shared gaze.

"I. Have. Never. Cheated on you."

"Then- then what the fuck did I see, huh?! Because-"

"Kassandra took advantage of me." Alessandro clenched his jaw. He suppressed the encompassing urge to vomit. The sensation came about from uttering the woman's name and from finally telling the truth about what happened. Now that this can had been opened, there wasn't a choice but to spill out its contents. "She threatened to do something to you. Something bad. And the only way I could get her to stop was if- if I let her do what she wanted with me."

Lance's face fell. Every single ounce of anger he felt in that moment melted into actual fear.

He didn't want to believe that. He didn't want to believe that Alessandro had gone through something so serious—so grievous.

But a haunted glint could be seen clear as day in those sparkling pools of green.

There was no doubt that he was telling the truth.

"What... was she going to do..?" Lance asked with a sheepish tone.

"...She was going to out you to your parents." Alessandro's fingers clenched a bit tighter. "Apparently, she was jealous. She hated what became of our relationship and was jealous that me and you were together. So... she planned on taking proof to your folks.

"I knew what that would've done. I knew your parents wouldn't have accepted that. And considering how they fucking disowned you a few months ago for actually being honest about your sexuality- it seems my worries were rightfully warranted.

"They would've kicked you out, and you would've been homeless. We may have been dating, but you know my family and I wouldn't have had the funds to take you in. Even if I really wanted to.

"I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let you go through that. So... when Kassandra said she wouldn't rat you out if she could do whatever she wanted with me... I said yes."

"Andro..."

"She- she wanted to do so much. She fully intended to go all the way with me- even though I didn't want it. Even though I didn't want her. She kept kissing me to try and force me to get it up, but it just wouldn't happen. That's... what you walked in on when you came over. She planned on doing so much more to me. The only reason she didn't was because you showed up."

The grip on Lance's arms loosened. He took the opportunity to take hold of a pair of warm cheeks. Wide green eyes were unfocused, and he nearly sobbed at the fat tears falling from them.

"God- Andro, I'm so-"

"Don't apologize," Alessandro interrupted with a small voice. "You had every right to react the way you did. You thought what you saw was the truth. You did what you needed. I- I don't blame you for that."

"Don't try and act like this is okay- it's not!" Lance countered. "I- I didn't- I didn't even give you a chance to explain yourself. I didn't give you a chance to defend yourself. I knew you, but I still fucking pushed you to the curb in the heat of the moment.

"You were honest about your feelings back then. You used to be so open with me. If you were unhappy with the way things were going, you would've said something. I knew that. But I still accused you. And- and I broke us apart like a fucking idiot." A chaste kiss was placed onto Alessandro's forehead. "Please- believe me when I say that I'm so fucking sorry, Andro. I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to take the blame for this."

"You shouldn't either. You're just as much, if not more so, of a victim in this scenario as I am. What she did to you wasn't right. It was fucking disgusting and despicable and she deserves to fucking rot for it. But listen to me. What she did to you wasn't your fault, okay? If anyone is to blame for us breaking up, it's her. We split because of her."

Alessandro bit his bottom lip to keep it from trembling. His eyes screwed shut, and a broken sob escaped him.

He didn't fight it when two arms wrapped firmly around his waist, pulling him into a hug. Nor did he fight the string of delicate kisses made over his heart.

The loving, caring, affectionate gestures made his walls crumble completely. Years worth of hidden, intense pain was being laid out on the table. Each regret, each sorrow, each wound—they forced harsh sobs to wrack through Alessandro's body.

He didn't try to hold back his tears. No matter how badly his throat burned; no matter how badly his eyes stung; no matter how badly his head hurt—he didn't stop.

And instead of being told to do so...

"It's okay, Andro. Let it out. It's okay to let it out."

The strong embrace was finally returned when two shaking arms wrapped around Lance as well.

Both men found themselves sinking to the floor, staying propped against two cupboards across from the fridge. Shirts were wrinkled with how tightly fingers were holding onto fabric. Sweat began accumulating against multiple connected body parts, but neither of them made a move to separate.

It felt like the world was falling apart while simultaneously being put back together.

"I'm- I'm so sorry..." Alessandro stated through his tears. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn't want you. I'm so sorry I could never bring myself to tell you the truth. I just- I was so scared. Even though I thought I did the right thing, I kept seeing that- that everything falling apart- that it was my fault. Please, I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey- shh- it's okay. You don't have to be sorry about anything. But I think I owe it to you anyway because of how much all of this has been hurting you." The hug finally parted, giving them a chance to look each other in the eye. Lance offered his most tender smile even though tears were streaming down his face too. "You've been carrying this burden with you for so long. And I'm sorry that- that we ended up like this. That we ended up so fractured. I'm sorry that I added to the immense pain you were already going through. But, Andro, I mean this with the utmost sincerity and honesty...

"I forgive you. And I hope you can forgive me too."

Alessandro felt like he could breathe again.

All he wanted for so long was to hear those words. And now he finally had.

"...I don't want this to change anything." It was Lance's turn to get his face cupped. "Now you know the truth- but I don't want you to think that you have to be with me. You haven't been ready. You still aren't. Don't force yourself to take things a step forward if you don't want to. I can wait. For you, I can wait. If you still need to figure all of this out, I get it. Just- just don't leave again. Please. I can't go through losing you a second time."

"Never." Lance put his hands over the ones holding him close. "I won't ever leave you again."