CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
a guide to giving up

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WHEN NADINE WAS THIRTEEN, Luis Allemand discovered her kissing Colette Badeau behind the school. They usually did this in Colette's backyard when her dad wasn't home, because it felt like a wonderland there; with its grove of orange trees and a multicoloured array of flowers sprouting around them, it was a far cry from normal France, a place where they were untouchable. But today, Nadine had gripped Colette's hand—they had painted each other's nails last night in the same, matching cerulean hue—and pulled her behind the school after hours. "On ne se fera pas prendre," she'd told her girlfriend confidently. We won't get caught.

She'd always been the braver of the two; unafraid of who she was, while Colette had been a little more fearful of her sexuality. They had been drawn together, somehow, last year, and one look into each other's eyes had made their faces heat up, their hearts flutter. It had only taken two months before they were confessing their feelings. Three months after that, and they were testing out kisses; pecking each other's lips cautiously, as if they might be burned. And now, nine months later, they weren't out, but they were still together, and that had to count for something.

Colette had often told Nadine that she didn't think her crushes on girls would ever work out. That gay marriage was illegal in France, and she'd have to find a man to settle down with eventually. Meanwhile, Nadine, who'd never looked at a boy with any feeling other than disgust, had shaken her head, adamantly stating that they'd have to legalize gay marriage, or she'd storm right up to parliament herself. She refused to settle down with any man, and would do anything it took to be allowed to marry who she wanted.

Today, Colette's lips tasted like vanilla, and Nadine closed her eyes, leaning into the kiss. Her girlfriend was the most beautiful girl ever, she thought, with her long, straight black hair and cheeks like sunshine. And Colette's body was warm against hers, comforting, like a cup of hot chocolate. If she could've paused a moment and lived in it forever, it would've been this one.

Unfortunately, it had been broken up far too soon. Nadine was just deepening the kiss with Colette when a cry startled her into opening her eyes. When she whirled around, face hot, chest sinking, she found Luis staring back at her, his blond hair, as usual, sticking up everywhere, his freckled face scrunched up in disgust. He looked like he'd seen some gruesome animal give birth instead of two girls kissing.

"C'est dégoutant!" he howled, ever eloquent with words. That's disgusting! Colette shrunk back, curling in on herself as if she could just disappear, while Nadine found her hands curling into fists, her eyes narrowing. Luis continued, "Je dis!" I'm telling!

He moved to run back towards the front of the school, but Nadine lunged forward, tackling him to the ground. The breath was nearly knocked out of her by the fall, but she quickly regained her bearings enough to put a sweaty hand over Luis's mouth. "Non, tu n'es pas," she spat. No, you're not.

Luis mumbled something under Nadine's hand, but she ignored him. "Je ne suis pas dégoûtant, Luis. Ne dis jamais ça." I'm not disgusting, Luis. Don't ever say that. She bared her teeth. "Maintenant tu vas nous laisser seuls, et ne pas dire un putain de mot, tu m'entends?"

Now you're gonna leave us alone, and not say a damn word, hear me?

She lifted her hand off his mouth, and Luis growled, unafraid. "Comme si tu pouvais tout faire pour m'arrêter." As if you could do anything to stop me.

"Vraiment?" Nadine found her mouth, impossibly, curling into a grin. Is that so? Then she concentrated, peeling a certain image she kept in reserve at the back of her mind. With her forehead humming and a smile spread onto her face, she stretched out her fingers and brought the illusion to life. "Dis-moi, tu aimes les serpents, Luis?"

Tell me, do you like snakes, Luis?

And that was when the cobra finally formed into front of Luis Allemand, fangs dripping, hissing violently as it prepared to attack. It was a terrible, writhing thing, four meters long, with black scales striped with yellow, and it reared its head at Luis, a warning of what was to come. The boy screamed, still pinned down by Nadine's weight, struggling desperately as the King Cobra slithered its way right beside Luis's head, flicking its forked tongue out at him in mockery.

"Dis-moi que tu ne diras rien, Luis," Nadine spat. "Dites-moi, et il n'attaquera pas." Tell me you won't say anything, Luis. Tell me, and he won't attack.

"D'accord! D'accord!" Luis shouted, shying away from the cobra, which didn't actually exist. If Nadine had actually ordered it to attack, its fangs would've passed right through his pale skin, but he didn't know that. For all Luis knew, Nadine Vidal had a pet King Cobra, one that she had apparently trained well enough to have it charge on command. Okay! Okay!

With tears slipping down his cheeks now, Luis choked out, "Je ne dirai rien!" I won't say anything!

Nadine sat up, dissolving the snake and getting off of Luis, who immediately climbed to his feet, staring at her, eyes wide in fear. "Ce n'était pas si difficile, n'est-ce pas?" she asked, voice mocking. That wasn't that hard, was it? "Tu peux y aller. Mais, Luis? Si j'entends que vous l'avez dit à quelqu'un, je le ramènerai. Et cette fois, je ne serai pas si miséricordieux."

You can go. But, Luis? If I hear you tell anyone, I'll bring him back. And this time, I won't be so merciful.

Luis nodded frantically before running away, a sob choking out of him, and Nadine got to her feet, dusting off her shirt, watching him go with a satisfied smirk on her face. She brushed away a stray strand of hair that had gotten in her face before turning around, back to Colette, hoping to continue their make out session.

But when she did so, she found that Colette was already gone.

NADINE VIDAL HAD never been so exhausted. Her eyes were drooping, her muscles feeling as if they were about to collapse, and every ten seconds, she had to stifle a yawn. When Allison passed out coffees (this time, she'd brought one for Nadine, too, which Nadine thought was a kind gesture, especially considering what had happened yesterday), Nadine chugged hers down so fast she ended up scalding her tongue, yearning for the adrenaline that came from the caffeine. With the primal urge to dive back beneath her sheets and sleep for another five hours, it was safe to say that Nadine Vidal was not interested in whatever the fuck Luther had called them all here for. Well, all of them except for Five, who was apparently MIA (great. Just fucking great), and Vanya, who Luther claimed was busy.

To get here in time for this stupid fucking meeting while still nursing the aftereffects of a night of very little sleep, Nadine had to throw on whatever clothing had been left in her suitcase. Which was how, today, instead of any skirts or fancy blouses, she was wearing sweatpants, with a long, baggy shirt that she thought might be Beau's (she had to roll up the sleeves three times just to get them snugly on her thin wrists). Her hair had been thrown into a messy bun, wisps of gold spilling out from the untidy updo. With bags under her eyes and her entire attitude consisting mainly of "Leave-Me-The-Fuck-Alone", Nadine Vidal nibbled a piece of toast she'd gotten from the kitchen (something in her stomach might be able to keep her from keeling over right then and there, she'd figured) and sat back, resisting the urge to shoot Luther one of her classic glares.

Although she felt like shit, she didn't regret her late-night conversation with Klaus, who'd obviously needed to be cheered up. She glanced over to him now—he looked less hellish than she did, probably because he was used to sleepless nights—but there was still barrenness in his eyes. The grief from losing a loved one could not be solved with one night of consoling.

"Three days?" Allison inquired now. After gathering them all up, Luther had broken the news as gently as news such as this could possibly be broken: that in three days' time, the entire world would be wiped out in some unknown apocalyptic event. Predictably, the Hargreeves siblings that hadn't been aware of that fact were a little shaken up at this news.

"That's what Five said," said Luther accepting his coffee from Allison.

"Where is he?" Nadine asked, crossing her arms. Luther let out a sigh, taking a sip of coffee.

"He's missing. He disappeared yesterday."

"He seems to do that a lot," Nadine muttered, sipping her coffee slower this time. Her burnt tongue throbbed in protest, beating along to the pounding in her head, which was spending too much of its brainpower keeping her awake. "Next time I get my hands on him..." she had a specific gesture she was aching to show him.

"The old bastard did mention the apocalypse, come to think of it," said Klaus, shifting slightly from his position on the floor and bringing the conversation back to the point. "He just left out the part of how soon."

"But can we even trust him?" Allison asked. She was looking a lot more put-together than Nadine, with her hair neatly arranged into a half-up, half-down curly updo that perfectly framed her face. "I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, but Five's a little..." she twirled a finger around her head, whistling as she did so.

Klaus chuckled fondly. "Our little psycho."

"He was pretty convincing," defended Luther. "And if he wasn't trying to stop an apocalypse from happening, those two lunatics wouldn't be chasing him."

"That's why they were after him?" questioned Diego. His arm was in a sling, hanging limply by his side, and Nadine wondered what he'd been up to.

"Yeah."

"What did Five even see?" Allison asked. Nadine sucked in a breath at that question, exchanging a glance with Luther, remembering what Five had told them about discovering the bodies of the Umbrella Academy. Luther swallowed, his eyes darting around, trying to come up with an acceptable answer. Nadine leaned back and let him do it. She wasn't going to be the one to break the news.

"Uh... Apparently," Luther began, finally finding the right words, "we all fought together against whoever was responsible."

"By 'we', he's excluding me," Nadine piped up, holding her arm up in a wave. Everyone stared at her for a moment before their eyes darted back to Luther, who was still looking on edge. After a couple more moments of awkward silence, he clicked his tongue, getting to his feet.

"Okay. So, here's the plan. Uh, we go through Dad's research—"

"Wait, what?" Allison cut Luther off before he could finish speaking. "Hold on, hold on," she continued, at the same time Klaus held up his hand and said, "Wait a tick, wait a tick, wait a tick. What actually happened the first time around? And why wasn't Nadine with us?"

"Yeah," said Diego. "What are you not telling us? Come on, big boy, spit it out."

Luther looked to Nadine, his eyes full of pleading, but she shook her head surreptitiously. He was the leader of the family, so he should be the one to break the news. Nadine was still practically an outsider.

Luther looked down to the coffee in his hand, exhaled, and quickly muttered something none of them could hear before taking a sip. "What was that?" Allison asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Yeah, speak up, Number One," added Nadine, rolling her shoulders and attempting to get the aches out of them. She still felt like shit, but watching Luther fail was somehow entertaining.

Luther coughed. "Uh, I said, uh, we died."

Everyone went silent at that, their eyes widening and darting around the room. Nadine leaned back in her seat, taking another sip of coffee and trying to concentrate on not feeling like death. There were a few seconds of this tense silence, where everyone who hadn't been in the know before now attempted to process this new and very critical information, and then, at once, in a symphony of voices, the Hargreeves siblings burst into questions, their voices overlapping upon each other until it was impossible to pick out just one. Luther shot another glare at Nadine, but she picked out the message in this one: that she was going to have to help him here.

Nadine rolled her eyes, sipped her coffee, and straightened in her seat. Way to lead, Number One.

"SO, WHERE WERE YOU?" Allison asked, tipping back her own coffee and staring at Nadine inquisitively, as if she was a puzzle she was lost on figuring out. "When we fought whoever was responsible for the apocalypse, I mean. Why weren't you there?"

"I... I don't know," Nadine admitted. "I think Five had figured it out... but he never told me. Maybe, in the, euh, timeline where Five never arrived, I went back to France. Perhaps there was nothing for me here, after I learned a little bit more about controlling my abilities."

It was a solid theory, but even as Nadine said it, she wasn't sure it was the truth. If the Umbrella Academy had fought against whoever was the catalyst for the apocalypse, they must have known the world was ending. And if they'd known... Nadine would have as well, wouldn't she? She took another sip of coffee, biting down on her lip. She was tired of Five hiding things from her.

"And that's why the world ended? Because you weren't there?" Diego questioned skeptically. "I mean, are you really the one who's supposed to save it?"

Nadine shrugged, ignoring the disbelief in his voice. After all, considering that she was struggling to come to terms with it herself, Diego's feelings were entirely justified. For once. "Apparently. I'm not so sure about that part, though."

Luther had already explained what Five had told he and Nadine back at Diego's place—everything about how Five had found their corpses in the apocalypse, the eye his dead hand had been clutching, how billions had died in this world-ending event, whatever it was—and now the focus was onto Nadine, who was, obviously, the source of a lot of questioning. Sure, she'd managed to insert herself into the lives of the Hargreeves siblings (even when they didn't want her there), but how was it possible that she was supposed to stop this apocalyptic occurrence? Nadine was a lot of things—strong, stubborn, tactless, determined, a little scary at times—but she didn't have the capabilities to stop the world from ending... did she?

Nadine herself didn't know. She did know that what Five had told her had to be true—otherwise, why would Hazel and Cha-Cha have tried to kill her twelve years ago?—but she didn't quite believe in herself. What made her different? What made her more capable? Was saving the world even possible?

She didn't have time to reach into herself and find the solution, however, as just then, a voice roused her out of her reverie. "Hey. What's going on?"

Nadine whirled to find Vanya, scarf around her neck, staring back at her siblings—and Nadine—with confusion. Beside her, hands in his pockets, was... of course. Nadine resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Fucking Leonard. But what were they doing here? Luther had told her that Vanya had been busy, and thus unable to attend. Yet, here she was, the human equivalent of Wonder Bread beside her.

Allison swallowed, her eyes darting around. "It's a family matter," she said eventually.

"A family matter," Vanya repeated dryly. "So of course you couldn't be bothered to include me, but Nadine's here, too." Their eyes met, and Nadine saw anger seething behind them. It was enough to make her get to her feet. Fuck the fight she'd had with her friend yesterday. Fury on Vanya's behalf struck her like lightning, and she was prepared to give the Hargreeves a piece of her mind.

"You fucking assholes," she spat. "Vanya wasn't actually busy, was she? You just didn't bother to call her."

"Nadine—" Luther began, but she was having none of it. But before she could continue her passionate rant, Vanya spoke, passive-aggressiveness leaking through her tone.

"Please don't let me interrupt." She began to turn away, but Allison stopped her.

"Vanya, wait." She began to walk towards her sister. "I'll fill you in when we're alone."

"Please, please, don't bother," Vanya scowled. "And I won't either."

"Vanya, that's not fair."

"Fair?" Vanya echoed. "There's nothing fair about being your sister. I have been left out of everything for as long as I can remember. And I used to think it was Dad's fault, but he's dead. So it turns out you're the assholes."

Then she turned away, leaving the room and her siblings—plus Nadine—behind. Leonard—fucking Leonard—stayed for a couple seconds longer, his eyes full of disappointment, before following Vanya outside. Klaus hissed at the woman's leaving insult. "Ouch."

"I'm gonna go find Vanya and explain," Allison said immediately, turning to go after her sister, but Luther stopped her in her tracks.

"No, wait, there isn't time. We need to figure out what causes the apocalypse."

"We need to figure out why you're such an asshole to Vanya," Nadine drawled. She stepped closer to Luther, dwarfed by his giant frame, and narrowed her eyes. "Would it have been so hard to make a fucking phone call?"

Luther let out a deep sigh. "She's not involved in this. I didn't want to worry her."

"Not involved? You do realize that she dies in three days with the rest of us?" Nadine couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Yes, but—"

"Save it, asshole. I'm going after Vanya. You guys can stay here and swap conspiracy theories, but I need to talk to her."

"So what? You're just going to leave?" Luther asked. "Give up?"

Nadine shrugged. "I'm not part of the Umbrella Academy, anyway. I won't be much help."

"Won't be much help? You're supposed to save the world!"

"No, Five told me there was only a chance I would, and Allison's right. He's bonkers anyway. And if there's a chance that I can make up with Vanya before I die a fiery death, I'm going to take it."

This time, when she went, nobody called after her. 

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HAVEN: i don't like this chapter very much but i hope you enjoyed anyway! i'm lowkey excited for the next few chapters, because, if you didn't realize, this is the day that wasn't!! nadine is kind of on her own mission now, because without five (infuriating as he is) to lead her on, she's pretty lost LMFAO

also, nadine backstory pt 1!! when i first wrote nadine, i genuinely didn't mean to make her such a feral character, but things happened, and here we are 😭😭 now, i'm just like "if nadine wants to sic a make-believe king cobra on a homophobic thirteen-year-old, then good for her!! i'm not going to judge her for that!!"

(and yes, the gif at the top is still nadine, just a younger version. i've finally figured out her younger faceclaims-- sophie nélisse for young teen nadine, and mckenna grace for child nadine. because let's be real, she can look like anyone)

thanks for reading <333