CHAPTER NINETEEN
the sting of rejection

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STAY ALIVE. STAY ALIVE. STAY ALIVE. The words echoed through Nadine's mind like a mantra, pulsing at her skin, constantly demanding she keep breathing, that her blood keep pumping, that her heart keep beating. Don't do anything dangerous, Nadine. Don't let yourself slip, Nadine. Don't leap into fights like you always do, because this time, you could end up with a bullet in your brain instead of your shoulder.

The voice in her head was an irritating combination of her own and Five's, but it was working, which Nadine supposed was what was important about it. She knew she'd stormed off from the boy like a child having a temper tantrum, and eventually she would have to make her way back to him, even if he was a murderer and an ex-assassin who didn't care for lives beyond his own small world of himself and the Hargreeves. Because as infuriating as he was, he knew the most about what was coming. And she knew that, despite his hopelessness this morning, he wouldn't give up so easily. He wouldn't let his family—and by extent, the world—die again.

Right now, though, instead of finding Five, Nadine was trailing slightly reluctantly behind Allison Hargreeves, heading to Vanya's apartment to disclose the information they'd discovered during their research at the library. Even though Nadine had let herself be pulled along in this, she still felt a prickle of annoyance at Allison for being so obsessed with Leonard. Sure, Nadine was suspicious of the man, too, but if it was up to her, finding answers wouldn't consist of snooping around—it would comprise of grasping Leonard by the collar and warning him that if he ever broke Vanya's hear, she'd pound him into paste.

But here she was, doing it the soft way.

The sound of violin song led Allison and Nadine to Vanya's apartment, and Nadine paused before knocking, allowing the melody to flood through her. It was beautiful, alluring, and Nadine let herself enjoy it while it lasted. Vanya may not have had superpowers, but it was clear she did have talent.

Eventually, she forced herself to knock. The violin music cut off abruptly, and moments later the door opened, revealing Vanya, violin in hand. Her gaze softened when she noticed who was on the other side of the door. "Oh, hey."

"Hey," said Allison. "Can we come in?"

"Well—Sorry, I really need to rehearse," said Vanya, but allowed them in nonetheless, heading to the back window that contained sheet music propped up for her. Nadine stepped inside hesitantly, knowing her excuse might only be half-true. Evidently, Allison's worries about Leonard this morning hadn't made her very happy, and it was likely that she was reluctant to jump back into that conversation again.

"Your playing was beautiful," Nadine blurted, before she could catch herself.

"Oh." Vanya turned back to face Nadine, a smile tugging at her lips and a faint hint of pink colouring her cheeks. "Thanks."

Allison didn't waste time with pleasantries. As she closed the door behind her, she began, "Uh... look, I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but Nadine and I were just in the library looking up Leonard."

Nadine cringed at the way she'd said it—she hadn't pulled any punches. (Nadine knew that looking up your friend's boyfriend wasn't the best thing to do, but Allison had dragged her into it, and she really was worried about Vanya's future with Leonard, end of the world or not. And it had kept her in line, having something to do. Prevented her from getting reckless.)

But, still. Allison could've found a better way to introduce the topic.

Vanya wasn't forgiving, however, and although Nadine could see why, it didn't make the sting any less hard to bear. "What?" she snapped. "Why would you do that?"

"Vanya, there are records of literally everything," Allison said, jumping into defense-mode. "I mean, you look me up, there are miles—"

"You're one of the most famous people in the world," Vanya pointed out, cutting off Allison before she could continue her tangent. Her eyes swivelled from Nadine to Allison as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing, and Nadine cringed again. Maybe she should've done it her way. Threats had always been more of her style.

"Okay." Allison raised a defensive hand. "Bad example. My point is that there should be some kind of record of him, but all we could find is a photo and his name in the phone book. It's like he didn't exist—"

"You are unbelievable," growled Vanya. "You're trying to dig up dirt on a guy that I like. Who does that?" And then she turned to Nadine. "And you! Why would you go along with this?! I know we don't really know each other, but I thought you said you were happy for me."

"Vanya, I..." Nadine's voice trailed off. Was she happy for Vanya? She realized that no, she wasn't. Every time her friend brought up her man, her stomach clenched, and she had the sudden urge to punch something. It was like there was a sign hanging above his head, a red light blinking that he was wrong, wrong, wrong. She didn't know why she hated Leonard fucking Peabody so much, but just his name caused her insides to shrivel with disgust.

She swallowed. Tried again. Attempted to tell Vanya that she'd been wrong, that she shouldn't have done what she had. But by then, Allison was already talking.

"Look, I've had my fair share of stalkers and creeps. I don't trust him."

"No, you mean you don't trust me," Vanya corrected. There was pain clearly evident in her voice, and Nadine's gut clenched at that, especially since she'd been a partial cause of that pain.

"What? No. That's—"

"This is not about you," Vanya spat. "Either of you. And for the first time, someone thinks I'm special."

Special. As the one ordinary person in a family full of the extraordinary, of robots and talking monkeys and superpowered children, Vanya hadn't gotten to ever be special. She'd be the least favourite, the one looked over by others. But she was wrong. Because Nadine Vidal didn't think Vanya was special, she knew she was.

She said this. "Vanya, I think you're special."

The hardness in Vanya's expression cracked. "What?"

"I said, I think you're special. And you don't have to have super strength or mind control to be that way. I know we haven't known each other long, but I can tell. Because you're kind, and strong, and you've been through shit I couldn't imagine going through. You're clearly talented at your violin, and you haven't given up, even when people have told you it's pointless. That's why you're special, Vanya Hargreeves. And I'm sorry nobody has told you that before."

Vanya's mouth opened and closed, and Nadine felt her heart racing, sweat beginning to build up in her palms. She'd never been so... raw to anyone before. Just confessing her feelings right there and then. Even with Camille, there had always been a little bit of hesitation before spilling her soul in the form of shitty poems and tender words. But with Vanya... everything just tumbled out.

Eventually, Vanya seemed to regain her bearings, but her voice was softer than it had been mere moments ago. "That's—that's not the point," she got out. Her cheeks were two blooming roses, pink and lovely, and as Nadine stared at her, a strange stirring formed in her chest. It was a warm feeling, and she cradled it, even when Vanya added, "The point is that you two were snooping around!"

"We're just worried about you," said Allison. She'd given Nadine a strange look after her speech, but Nadine ignored it, focusing on keeping her heart from leaping out of her chest.

"Well, you're not my parents. Worry about your own children." Vanya's fire—it wasn't as violent as Nadine's, more of a matchstick than an inferno—seemed to have rekindled, though she seemed slightly out of balance after Nadine's comment.

Allison dipped her head. "That's not fair."

Vanya just stared at her, chest heaving, before speaking again. "I want both of you to leave."

"Vanya—" Nadine started, but Vanya was strangely calm, now. Unfazed.

"Please. Just go, Nadine. I don't want to see you right now."

Allison was already heading towards the door, but Nadine didn't move. She couldn't. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry, Vanya. I really shouldn't have tried to..." her brow crinkled, trying to recall the expression Vanya had used (English expressions were weird), "dig up dirt on Leonard. That was... that was wrong."

Vanya just shook her head. "Nadine... please. Just go."

And so Nadine finally did, looking back one more time at her friend before finally exiting the apartment, closing the door behind her. Allison, who'd been hovering in the hall, looked to Nadine, her lips pressed together. "Nadine—" she began.

"Allison, I really don't want to talk to you right now," snapped Nadine, taking off to make her way out of the complex. She'd thought she'd make it out unscathed, but Allison jogged after her, her boots clicking across the floor.

"Nadine, wait. I found something—"

"I'm not interested."

"Nadine—"

Nadine spun around, eyes on fire, her hands balled into fists. A hurricane, advancing towards the actress. "Leave me alone," she spat. "For once in your life, just listen to what other people want. I'm not helping you with Leonard anymore."

And then she was quickening her pace yet again, disappearing out of the apartment complex. She had no idea where to go, nowhere to run to. Perhaps she could make her way back to the Academy, but she didn't want to so alone, in case of an ambush. And she couldn't go back to her motel room, either. Which left only one option.

Twenty minutes later, Nadine Vidal pushed her way into Griddy's Doughnuts, looking for a caffeine fix. Her throat was dry, and weirdly, she felt empty, like all of the life had been sucked out of her. She couldn't stop the voice from repeating in her mind over and over again—Vanya's, telling her to leave. Telling her she was happy with Leonard, that he was the only one who thought she was special. Again and again, as if on replay.

And that was when Nadine realized why the thought of Vanya being with Leonard was so deplorable. It wasn't because Leonard was a bad person (although he may still have been—Vanya really was taking this too quickly). It was because somehow, for some reason, she was starting to catch feelings for her friend. It wasn't the full-on bloom of romance yet, but it was getting there. It was what made her itch every time she heard Leonard's name, made her heart flutter every time Vanya smiled. It wasn't love, not quite, but Nadine thought that, given proper time, it might just get there. And that scared her.

Camille had always seemed like the one for Nadine. The woman she was destined to be with. Nadine had, once, naively, thought that they might even get married someday (it had been a thought that was first accompanied by doubt, before Nadine remembered that same-sex marriage was legal in France now—after a lifetime of waiting, what she'd dreamed about since she was a girl had finally been possible). Beau knew of her sexuality, had been supportive since she had first come out to him as a pre-teen, and Louise... Louise didn't have to be invited. It was a dream, imagining a moonlit wedding with Camille Lambert, exchanging rings and vows and kissing with flowers woven into their hair.

But now they were broken up, and Nadine knew all of that had been a fantasy. Camille and Nadine may have been the sun and moon, but there were other stars in the galaxy. Other opportunities ahead.

She took in a deep breath, digesting this new information, and she realized that the phone call with Camille had been the end. Sure, the wound was still fresh, but it didn't hurt to prod anymore. Nadine had finally gotten over her ex, and now she was ready for new opportunities.

Nadine was drawn out of her deep thoughts by a mug of coffee under her nose. She looked up, noticing the waitress—the one she'd spoken to yesterday—smiling back at her. "I thought you might need a pick-me-up," she said, her voice saccharine, dripping with caramel.

"Thank you." Nadine picked up the mug and took a sip. She swallowed the slightly bitter liquid and felt like a current run through her, her body filling with warmth.

"It looks like you're healing well," said the waitress, gesturing to Nadine's head (she'd peeled off the bandage this morning, relieved to see that the mark on her head, although still a knob, was shrinking, and no longer clotted with blood). After a moment, the waitress added, "Head in the clouds?"

Nadine blinked, realizing she hadn't spoken. "Yes. Sorry. I've been... distracted lately." If that wasn't the understatement of the year.

"It's okay. Is there anything I can get ya' that'll hopefully bring you back down to Earth?"

Nadine chuckled. "I'll take a chocolate éclair, thanks," she said, repeating the order she'd given the kindly waitress yesterday. The old woman nodded, bustling to the back to get her order, and Nadine took another sip of coffee, looking around the doughnut shop. Once again, she was struck with the number of lives that were here, pulsing around her like one entity. The couple sitting at the table near the back, holding hands as they chewed their raspberry doughnuts; the teenage girl with her headphones on, scribbling something down in a notebook; the two men laughing boisterously and nursing their mugs. She found herself closing her eyes again. Stay alive, stay alive, stay alive.

That was all she could do.

The waitress came back with Nadine's éclair, and she bit into it. She was definitely off her diet now, given that she'd eaten more doughnuts in the past few days than she had in months, but if the world was ending, it didn't really matter anymore. Fuck diets. Fuck running. Fuck everything she used to think was important.

"So," the waitress began, refilling Nadine's coffee, "judging by your speedy healing, I trust you took my advice and didn't overexert yourself?"

"You'd be right," nodded Nadine, taking a sip and nearly scalding her tongue. "You know... I used to be this... what's it called again... sauvage... ah. I used to be this wild child when I was younger. Constantly breaking the rules, upsetting my mother... we were never close, but I could just see the disappointment in her eyes every time I messed up. But even though she hated my misbehaviour, I just kept on doing it, you know? All the way into adulthood. I've always had this... need for more in life. Which was how I got into the car accident, I guess. And how I..." she stirred her coffee, even though everything was already properly mixed in, "well, I guess it's how I got into a fight. Today. With my friend."

The waitress pursed her lips. "Well, I know fighting with the ones you care about isn't the most pleasant thing, but it's good to hear you know you were wrong. Most people can't admit that."

"I just feel like I keep making mistakes," said Nadine, chewing her éclair. "Over and over again. I just keep fucking up with people."

"Mistakes are what makes us human." The waitress dusted off her apron and looked upon Nadine with immeasurable kindness. "We're always growing, always changing. You'd think that when you reach adulthood, you'd magically know everything, but that's not how the world works. But as long as you're actively trying to be a good person, and actively taking responsibility for your mistakes, then you're on the right path."

Huh. Nadine had never thought about it that way. She'd always just been the person who messed up, who said the wrong thing in every conversation and started a fight. Perhaps it was her chronic misfortune that always got her knuckles split and her noses bloody, or maybe it was because she never thought before she spoke. She just let the words run out of her, one tumbling after another, until it was too late and she'd said something she couldn't take back.

"Hopefully," Nadine said, taking another sip of coffee. "I just hope she'll forgive me."

"I'm sure she will. Friends make mistakes; it's a given in any relationship."

Nadine drummed her fingers on the counter and looked around the doughnut shop. I shouldn't have run away from Five, she thought to herself again. That was another mistake I made. I need to be helping him stop the apocalypse instead of running around with Allison and snooping on Vanya's boyfriend.

Because she couldn't let these people die. It would be selfish to just lie back and allow the world to end, for billions of innocents to be wiped out in an instant, when she might have a chance to stop it. And that didn't just mean staying alive. It didn't mean letting the days idle by. It meant that she had to actively work for it.

She just needed to find the little bastard.

"I just feel so scared all the time," she admitted. "Scared that I'll mess something up so bad people will leave. Scared that I'll never do anything worthwhile with my life." Especially with the end of the world coming.

"You know," the waitress began, after a moment, "there's a man that comes in here almost every day, and I told him that I'm planning on settling down, moving to the country, growing my own vegetable garden," she smiled at the thought. "But I've been saving money for such a long time that I still don't feel ready to. I thought I'd go another year before making it official. But you know what he told me? He told me that we only have a limited amount of time on this planet, and he's right. Sometimes, we have to do something that scares us."

"That's true." Nadine nodded sagely. She didn't point out that this week had been full of moments that scared her, tumbling one after another and weighing down her shoulders. But, if she was going to attempt to find Five, she probably would have to do more. She couldn't whittle down her remaining time eating doughnuts and ignoring the imminent threat that loomed above her. She balled her fists together, feeling her head begin to hum.

Stay alive, stay alive, stay alive, Nadine Vidal. Don't let yourself slip, but don't hide away. Find Five. Because maybe the world still can be saved.

Maybe I can help save it.

⋆*✧･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:

HAVEN: and we're done act one, which means we're around halfway through ignis fatuus, now! as i've said, i'm super excited for the second half of this book, and i hope you are, too! 

i really love writing nadine as a character, because she's definitely the most flawed one i've written. she's a hypocrite, she's got anger issues, she's actually quite emotional and impulsive, and she makes so many mistakes. i put this conversation between her and agnes in this chapter because i think it's an important one. because although nadine makes plenty of mistakes (and she will continue to make them-- she's human, after all), she's not a bad person, and she can still change. 

next chapter... no spoilers, but we're taking a brief pause from the whole "end of the world" thing. i find, in shows like this, that the plot progresses so quickly that we barely have time to connect with the characters, which is why i decided to create one. i really wanted a bonding session between these two in particular, for reasons you'll see soon :))

thanks for reading!