CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
dynamite girl

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warning: this chapter contains suicide idealization and a brief mention of self-harm. 

SIR REGINALD HARGREEVES might have thought Nadine Vidal a Trojan Horse, something dangerous wrapped inside a small, unassuming package, but he was wrong. Perhaps it might've been so when Nadine was a baby, a little china girl, with round and pink cheeks and that soft down of baby hair, but it couldn't be farther from the truth now. Nadine Vidal wasn't a Trojan Horse; she was a stick of dynamite, dangerous both on the outside and in. You see a stick of dynamite and run the other way, trying not to get caught in the explosion. You don't try and light it up like a firecracker, let it explode in your face, don't stick around. You run.

People had always run from Nadine. The kids whose faces she pummeled in on the schoolyard. Her mother, fleeing, seeking an escape from her oddities. Her girlfriends, one by one vanishing, leaving flowers or kisses or nothing at all behind. Even Hazel and Cha-Cha, dealing blows and then fading into the shadows, leaving Nadine to nurse her wounds. Yet the one who fled from the confrontation at Diego's place was not a bully, nor a girlfriend, nor Hazel or Cha-Cha. It was Nadine Vidal, who was, for once, tired of being so strong. Her steel bones were rusting. Her fire breath was scalding her. The iron she chewed rotted her teeth.

When she paid for a taxi, she didn't consciously know where she was going. She just needed to leave. To get away from that murderer Five and his calm stare, serene as if he hadn't stained his hands with blood. There was a type of blemish that was left when someone killed, Nadine thought, and it didn't just have to be the crimson you couldn't wash out of your favourite shirt or the screams still ringing in your ears. It was a contamination that settled over you like a blanket, that made your eyes sparkle with a bit too much manic. It was a disease, murder was, and Five was definitely infected. Nadine hoped the weight of his sins sat heavily on his shoulders.

It should've been obvious where she ended up, staggering out of the taxi with nary a thank-you. She stumbled up the steps to Vanya's apartment like a drunkard, her fists clenching and then unclenching as if she was holding her pain in them, like pain was something to be held. Her eyes were burning, and Nadine wouldn't have even been surprised if steam curled out of them, misting her eyelashes and scorching her irises.

She didn't know what it was about Vanya that was so alluring. She wasn't the enchantress Camille was, with her beguiling words and butterfly kisses. She wasn't bewitching with beauty; most people probably passed her on the street with nary an afterthought. Perhaps it was because she was comforting. Like a warm bed you always know you can slip into at the end of the day. Yes. That was it. Vanya felt constant to Nadine, like she'd always be there, waiting, even though Nadine now knew this wasn't the case. The end of the world was coming, creeping behind them, getting closer every moment that passed. When Nadine looked over her shoulder, she could practically see Death behind her, scythe in hand. Ready to swing and cut humanity down like stalks of wheat.

The world is ending in four days, Nadine thought. She shouldn't have been surprised. The Universe seemed to be looking for even more ways to fuck up her life, and killing her—along with the rest of humanity—would probably do just that. It'd be the middle finger to end all middle fingers.

Unlike yesterday, Nadine only hesitated for a moment before knocking on Vanya's door. She knew it was fairly early—she wasn't sure if her friend would be awake yet—and she found herself whispering that it was okay if Vanya didn't answer when the door flung open.

Vanya's lips turned up at the sight of Nadine, but they quickly collapsed back down when she saw the look on her friend's face. "Nadine," she said, her voice full of concern. "Are you okay?"

"I..." Nadine took a moment to find the words she wanted to say, first coming up with them in French, then translating them to English, as she sometimes did when she was stuck. "I didn't... I didn't know where else to go."

Vanya opened the door wider, her eyes soft. "It's okay, just come in. I have to leave soon, but I can spare a couple of minutes."

Nadine nodded emptily before stepping into Vanya's apartment yet again. The woman guided her to the couch, and Nadine sunk into the cushions, staring down at her hands and imagining them so stained with misdeed. Vanya hustled over to the kitchen, pouring out a glass of water, before heading back to Nadine and placing the drink in front of her. "Here."

"Thank you," said Nadine, her voice quiet, her fire burnt out. She took a sip of water with trembling hands. "It's just—it's so fucked up."

"What is?" Vanya asked, sinking into the couch cushion beside her. Nadine swallowed at the question, her mind whirling with everything that fit the bill. It was a long list, spilling out of her pockets and rolling across the floor, and she knew she couldn't waste time sifting through it, searching for the best answer.

So, instead, she just simply said, "Everything."

"That bad, huh?" asked Vanya, her tone gentle. "I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean much, but I really am." She paused, and then said, "Do you want to talk about it? Or do you... do you want to be distracted? Not think about it, for at least a little bit?"

Nadine squeezed her eyes shut. "I'd like to forget."

The world was ending in four days. She'd be dead in four days. Everyone would be dead. Klaus. Vanya. Allison. Camille. Beau. Henri. She'd never have a chance to travel the world, to go on a road trip and stop at every aquarium she found, to go swimming with sharks, to fall in love again. In four days, she'd be nothing but food for maggots.

"Okay," said Vanya slowly. "Well, I know we sort of got to know each other last night, but I want to know more about you. I know about the hotel and your mom and everything, but what about more mundane things? Like... what's your favourite colour?"

Nadine's eyes opened, and the ghost of a smile traced her lips. "Either pink or blue. What about yours?"

"I've always liked green," said Vanya. "What's..." she paused for a moment, thinking of another question, "one obscure fact about you? Something people wouldn't expect from you?"

Nadine sat up straighter. She was shaking less now, and she drank a steadier sip of water. "I've always loved fish," she admitted. "There's something so fascinating about them, especially tropical fish. They come in so many colours, and they've got the loveliest scale patterns." She lowered her tone, as if there was someone else in the apartment that she didn't want to spill her secrets to. "You know, if I didn't work in the hotel, I think I'd go into Ichthyology."

It went on like this, with Vanya and Nadine swapping facts about themselves, and, little by little, Nadine's fire sparked back up. By the time her glass was fully drained and she and Vanya were infinitely more comfortable with each other, Nadine's hearth was crackling full of flames.

That was when the knock sounded at the door. Vanya got to her feet, slinging a scarf around her neck as she did so, and went to go answer it.

"Hey."

"Morning," came Allison's cheery voice. "Hey, nice scarf," she added, entering with a tray of coffee and something in a paper bag. Then she noticed Nadine, who was still sitting on the couch, her legs crossed and her hands steadier. "Oh, hi, Nadine." She looked down to the tray in her hands, which contained only two cups. "I'm sorry. I would've brought you a coffee if I knew you were going to be here. You can have mine, if you'd like," she offered, extracting one of the cups from the holder and beginning to pass it to Nadine, who waved her off.

"No, thank you. I already had some earlier, so I'm good."

"Okay." Allison slid the coffee back into its place, and then began to follow Vanya into the kitchen, only to end up stopping halfway there. "Are you wearing makeup?"

"Just a little," said Vanya self-consciously. Nadine got to her feet curiously, studying her friend. Allison was right. Nadine hadn't noticed that during their talk. Perhaps because she'd been so focused on not letting her world sway beneath her feet yet again. Perhaps because she'd barely been able to breathe.

Vanya opened the fridge, then almost immediately closed it again. "Damn."

"What's wrong?" Allison asked.

Vanya let out a sigh. "I ran out of my meds yesterday. I usually keep my refill in my butter container, but all I seem to have is butter, so..." She began to pull on a leather jacket, and Nadine's brow knitted together.

"Meds?" she asked. "For what?"

Vanya continued to fix her jacket. "Oh, just nerves. I've been takin' them since I was a kid."

"Well, I brought you a surprise," said Allison. She held up the coffee and the paper bag. "Bomboloni, from Petrola's bakery. Just like when we were kids."

"That is so sweet, but..." Vanya adjusted the collar of her jacket. "I'm gonna have to save it for later, 'cause I'm meeting Leonard for breakfast." She took the coffee nonetheless, and Allison put the bag of Bomboloni on the table.

"Flowers yesterday, brunch this morning," began Allison, taking out her own coffee. "You're really jumpin' in with both feet."

That's what I was thinking, Nadine thought.

Vanya scoffed. "What's wrong with that?"

"Well, how well do you know him?" asked Allison.

"Well, enough to get breakfast, if that's what you're asking." Vanya crossed the room and lifted her keys off their hook. "Jesus, between you and Nadine, I can't catch a break."

"It's just, after yesterday, I don't..." Allison sighed. "I have a bad feeling."

I guess everything isn't all good now, Nadine thought, though she was secretly glad she wasn't the only one to have doubts about Leonard. There was something about him that rubbed her the wrong way, like there was more to him than that happy-go-lucky, slightly dorky persona he'd shown off for her.

"Allison." Vanya rolled her eyes. "I haven't seen you in twelve years, and all of a sudden you're giving me dating advice?" she moved to open the door, but Allison stopped her.

"I'm still your sister, and I am concerned about you... and him."

"What are you concerned about?"

"Leonard seems perfectly charming, perfectly thoughtful," said Allison. "Perfect, really. But I've been around long enough to know that when something seems too perfect, it's usually anything but."

"Says a woman who's based her whole life on rumors," snarked Vanya, one hand on the doorknob. Her smile was passive-aggressive, fake, when she added, "Some people actually mean what they say." At that, she began to pull the door open, but stopped halfway, turning to Nadine, who, it seemed, she'd almost forgotten was there. "I'm sorry to leave so soon," she said, and her voice was no longer full of bitter sarcasm. "I'm just... I'm already running late, but feel free to come back any time, right? Or text me. Never mind the 'emergency' thing."

Nadine nodded, the corners of her lips beginning to turn up. But at Allison's look, she forced them back down. "Thank you," she said hastily, "but, Vanya, maybe Allison—"

"I've really got to go," said Vanya, and then she really was gone, closing the door behind Allison and Nadine. Allison scoffed at the door, smarted by Vanya's insult, and Nadine crossed her arms. Fucking Leonard. She was beginning to feel like every conversation she'd have with Vanya would be about this stupid, frustratingly average dreamboat.

She rolled her eyes. Men. They were always ruining everything.

She took a second to wonder what Leonard's weakness was before Allison was speaking up, breaking the thick silence. "So... I guess I'm not the only one who's suspicious of Vanya's new sweetheart, am I?"

Nadine shook her head. "No. I think it's weird that they only met a few days ago and are already so close so fast. I mean, they hardly know each other. He could be a serial killer for all Vanya knows."

Allison pressed her lips together. "I know. That's what I was thinking. Which is why I want to research him. We can head to the library, look up his name, find out if there's anything sketchy about him."

"Okay, you had me... then you lost me. You want to do research on Vanya's boyfriend? Isn't that a little... isn't that a little weird?"

"I used to do it all the time," Allison defended. "Whenever I got a boyfriend. To make sure they hadn't been a cannibal or something before meeting me. Did you never do that? With your exes?"

"No, I actually trusted my exes," said Nadine. "Though I did wait more than a couple of days to get with them."

"See! I just don't want Vanya to get hurt."

Nadine's eyes widened. "That's not all, is it? You're feeling guilty because you told Vanya off for not being in any stable relationship before. And because of what you said, you think that she's rushed to be with the first man who's ever been nice to her. Oh, mon chou."

Allison shifted slightly, uncomfortable. After a moment, she said, "Okay, you caught me. But I am worried. About Vanya. And if she gets her heart broken because of me, I won't forgive myself." She clasped her hands together in pleading. "So, please, Nadine. Help me."

Nadine breathed out a sigh. "Fine," she said eventually. "I'll help you research Leonard. But only because he seems a little suspicious to me, too."

Allison beamed. "Thanks, Nadine."

Allison Hargreeves, famous actress and ex-member of the Umbrella Academy, begging Nadine Vidal, foreign nobody, to come with her. Nadine never thought she'd see the day.

Well, she reasoned, as she and Allison made their way out of the apartment, the world's ending, anyway. I guess if Vanya does get her heart broken, it won't matter much in the end.

REENTERING ARGYLE LIBRARY was like déjà vu, like the first time she'd come in hadn't been real. She could see the memories in pristine quality; everything with Diego and Luther and the drunken, fast-asleep Five, but they seemed like fragments of dreams instead of stark reality. Maybe it was because all of that had happened before Nadine had known the full truth; everything about the end of the world and the Commission and the sins that weighed down Five's small shoulders.

As she stepped into the cool interior once again, which, much like last time, was nearly silent, she thought it wasn't so serene. It wasn't a Sanctuary to Nadine, not anymore. Because she knew this place was temporary. Knew that everything—everyone—around her had a limited amount of time. In four days, Armageddon would sweep across this library, consuming everyone in a vicious storm of fire.

Those little children, playing with the model trains, with their plump cheeks and soft hands, the baby snoozing in the carrier, the old woman sifting through the horror books... Nadine had to close her eyes. They were all going to die. And Nadine was, too.

With the knowledge she knew, it would've been so easy for Nadine to end it right now, to bound into oncoming traffic with the grace of a swan, to jump into a lake and let herself drown. To slit her wrists, leaving bloody smiles carved into her skin, to overdose, let herself fade away in a haze of candy-coloured pills. But she'd never been one to refuse a fight, never been one to lay low and take the pain of the universe's punches. She was the girl who always rose to a challenge with bruised knuckles and a broken smile, who kept fighting even with blood coursing from her nose and her vision blurring. And now she was the woman who would do the same.

Slowly, her eyes opened. She placed a hand on her chest, felt her heart pulsing with the reminder that this wasn't over. That she was still alive, against all odds. Five had told her she was supposed to be dead twelve years ago. By miracle, she wasn't, and this miracle might, according to the Commission, change things. It was a reminder that she hadn't lost everything yet.

She cracked her knuckles, following Allison to the computers. Stay alive, she thought to herself. That was what Five wanted her to do. And he may have been an arrogant dipshit, but he was right. So staying alive was exactly what she was going to do.

Nadine slid into the seat at the computers beside Allison. Although she didn't completely agree with what she was doing, at least it was something mundane. A distraction. Something that, if not world-saving, would at least help Vanya, and keep herself out of trouble.

She began to type up Leonard's name on the search engine, looking for any sign of past crimes. While she sifted through articles of people that weren't Leonard, she didn't notice the woman sitting across from her, separated by a barrier, nose in her book. Extra Ordinary: My Life as Number Seven, by Vanya Hargreeves.

When Allison finally stood up, telling Nadine she'd found something, Nadine still didn't notice the woman. But as Cha-Cha, maskless, briefly looked up from her book, she caught a glimpse of blonde hair, a flash of mottled skin. She got to her feet, watching Nadine Vidal leave the library. The urge to follow coursed through her like poison, but patience was a virtue, especially in this case. There could be no mistakes this time.

Cha-Cha knew there wouldn'tbe.

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HAVEN: nanya stans how are you feeling? 😁👍 i love that any conversation nadine has with vanya automatically goes back to leonard... he really does ruin everything!! 

next chapter is the last of act one 😳 act two is gonna be a RIDE y'all... ready yourselves. there are definitely some things that are going to have commenters screaming at me about, which i am very excited for :))

thanks for reading <3