Hindi ako eskandalosa.

Tumataas nga ang kilay ko sa mga nagwawawala sa public spaces.

Naniniwala ako sa diplomasya.

Ang isa pang dahilan ay natatakot ako maging viral.

Sa panahon ngayon na karamihan ay may bitbit ng cellphone at puwedeng kumuha ng video kahit walang permiso ay kailangan maging maingat.

Kahit galit na galit ako nang ipinakita sa akin ni Mel ang mga pictures ni Joshua ay hindi ako sumigaw o nagwala.

We were at the office.

Napakaunprofessional naman kung bigla na lang ako maghuramentado.

Kung magwawala ako ay magtataka ang mga coworkers namin.

Kapag nangyari iyon ay sigurado na maraming kasunod na tanong.

Ayokong pagpiyestahan ng mga Marites sa opisina ang nangyari sa akin.

Nakakahiya.

Ang iba sa kanila ay nakita si Joshua kapag sinusundo niya ako dati.

Kinikilig nga sila kasi nga guwapo si Joshua, matangkad at magaling pumorma.

Naalala ako ang sinabi ni Mama.

Naimagine ko na sasabihan niya ako ng I-told-you-so.

I'm hoping my mother wouldn't be so cruel.

Ako na nga ang inagawan ng boyfriend, ako pa ba ang dapat sisihin?

***

Pinilit ko na maging normal ang kilos kahit hindi maalis sa isip ko ang mga nakitang pictures.

Kapag napapatingin ako sa cubicle ni Mel ay nagtatama ang tingin namin.

Alam ko na nag-aalala siya para sa akin.

Kapatid na ang turingan namin.

Nang hindi ako sumama sa cafeteria para maglunch ay bumalik siya sa office at may bitbit na brown paper bag.

"Heto. Kumain ka. Binilhan kita ng chicken burger with cheese tsaka Diet Coke. Favorite mo iyan di ba?" Mahinahon ang tono niya at halatang naninimbang.

"Thank you," Tumigil ako sa pagtatype at tinanggal sa bag ang pagkain.

"Bakit walang fries?"

"Kasi hindi ko alam kung kakainin mo o hindi?"

"Bakit naman hindi ako kakain? Kanina pa nga ako nagugutom kasi hindi ako ako nakapagsnack sa dami ng trabaho."

"Okay ka lang ba talaga?" Umupo siya.

"Alam mo naman na hindi di ba?"

"Oo pero hindi ko sure kasi parang normal naman ang kilos mo."

"Hindi ito ang tamang oras para I-confront si Joshua. Kilala mo ba kung sino ang babaeng kasama niya?"

"Officemate nila sabi ni Andy."

IT sa isang telecommunications company sina Joshua at Andy.

Bisor ni Andy si Joshua.

Nagkakilala kami dahil sinet-up kami ni Andy.

"Nahihiya nga sa'yo si Andy kasi hindi niya alam na may kababalaghan na ginagawa si Joshua. Nalaman niya lang noong may nagsabi sa kanya na taga-accounting. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano sasabihin sa'yo. Pati si Andy namumuroblema rin kasi nga siya ang nagpakilala sa inyo tapos ganito ang mangyayari."

"Matagal mo ng alam?"

"Nitong weekend lang. Nanood ako ng laban nila. Hindi akalain ni Andy na nandoon si Ashley."

"Ashley?" Tumigil ako sa pagnguya.

Tumango lang si Mel at pinaglapat ang mga labi.

Mukha siyang guilty dahil sa dami ng impormasyon na isiniwalat.

"First time niya pumunta sabi ni Andy."

"Isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito," Pinatong ko ang sandwich sa ibabaw ng foil wrapper.

"Anong ibig sabihin?"

"Seryoso na ang relationship nila."

"Bakit naman?"

"Isipin mo. Pumupunta na ang girl sa laban niya para panoorin siya. Kaya pala lately ay hindi na ako kinukulit ni Josh na manood."

I don't like basketball or any sports with balls in it.

Kapag may laban ang Toronto Raptors ay nakatutok sa TV ang buong pamilya.

Ako lang ang bukod tangi na nagkukulong sa kuwarto.

"Red flag na iyon, Bes."

"Hindi ganoon ang interpretation ko. Alam niya umpisa pa lang na hindi ako mahilig sa sports. The few times I watched him play, it was to show support. Sa totoo lang, bagot na bagot ako."

"Anong gagawin mo ngayon?"

"Kakausapin ko siya."

"Tapos."

"Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari."

"Makikipagbreak ka sa kanya?"

"That's the logical thing to do."

"Hindi mo siya bibigyan ng chance? Sayang naman. Three years na rin kayo di ba?"

"Sana naisip niya iyon bago siya nagloko di ba?"

"Sa tingin mo, bakit niya ginawa iyon? Kapag magkasama kayo ay masaya naman siya."

"Ako, masaya. Ewan ko kung nagkukunwari lang siya."

"Parang tanga si Joshua. Ano pa ba ang hahanapin niya? Beauty and brains ka at lahat-lahat na pero nagawa pa rin niya ang magloko."

"Mel, I don't think ako ang may pagkukulang."

Tumango lang siya.

***

Nang gabing iyon ay pumunta si Joshua sa bahay.

Kinatok ako ni Mama sa kuwarto.

Walang nakakaalam sa bahay tungkol sa nangyari.

Ang dami niyang texts at missed calls pero hindi ako nagreply.

Manigas siya.

Kaya hindi ako nagulat nang bigla na lang siya dumating.

Kahit galit at nasasaktan ako sa nalaman ay gusto ko siya bigyan ng pagkakataon na magpaliwanag.

Pagbaba sa sala ay nandoon ang mga magulang ko at si Joshua.

Pinagtagay pa siya ni Daddy ng whisky.

Nagkukuwentuhan sila tungkol sa huling laban nila sa basketball.

Ang team pala nina Joshua ang nanalo.

Malamang ganado siya dahil present ang side chick niya.

Nang sabihin ko kina Mama na kailangan namin mag-usap ni Joshua ay mabilis na naglaho ang kinang sa mga mata niya.

***

Lumabas kami sa patio.

Maliwanag pa sa labas kahit alas-otso na ng gabi.

Umupo ako sa lounge chair at pumuwesto naman siya sa tapat ko.

"Jane, what was that cryptic message about? I don't understand."

Pareho kami ni Joshua na anak ng immigrant parents.

Five years old ako nang dumating sa Canada at ten years old naman siya.

Ang pinagkaiba namin ay nakalimutan niya ang magtagalog kaya Englisero siya.

Baluktot na ang dila niya kapag nagtatagalog.

"You really have no idea?"

"No. You weren't answering my calls either. What's going on?"

"You're such a liar."

"What do you mean? What are you talking about?"

"Here," Kinuha ko ang cellphone sa bulsa ng shorts.

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya ng makita ang picture nila ni Ashley.

Bago kami umuwi ni Mel ay hiningi ko sa kanya na I-share ito sa akin.

Kailangan ko ng ebidensiya.

"Let me explain."

"Go ahead."

"I wanted to tell you what's going on but someone beat me to it."

"Are you really going to tell me about this? Or are you waiting to see where this thing with you will Ashley will lead?"

Mas lalo siyang nagulat na alam ko ang pangalan ng babae niya.

Umurong ang dila niya at hindi kaagad nakapagsalita.

"If you have any amount of respect left for me, I don't want any bullshit excuses. How long has this been going on?"

"Is that even important?"

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Jane, does it matter if it's been going on for a day or six months?"

"That's almost half a year."

"I'm not saying that's how long this has been going on. What I'm saying is, in the big scheme of things, it's irrelevant."

"To you, maybe. But not to me."

"I don't know why you want to know how long this has been happening."

"You want to know why?"

"Yes."

"Because with every day that you've been cheating on me, I wonder if you're testing me."

"What do you mean?"

"If no one told me about this, will you even tell me this happened? Or will you keep it to yourself till you die?"

He didn't answer.

"Why did you cheat on me?"

Joshua was quiet for a long time.

I stared at him while I waited for the answer.

His eyebrows were dark and thick like two caterpillars that were about to meet.

There was a big round scar on his right temple when he picked on a scab from chicken pox.

His nose was crooked from a fistfight when he was bullied in school for being fresh off the boat.

He said he was small for his age but he didn't backed down.

The bully needed stitches for a cut above the right eyebrow.

My eyes travelled down to his lips.

It was the part of his face I liked the most because it was plump and shaped like a heart.

He had a lopsided smile and it added to his charm.

It saddened me to think that the man I adored lied to me.

The sharp intake of breath broke the silence around us.

"I felt pressured," He released a resigned sigh.

"To cheat on me?"

"No. To marry you."

"I don't understand."

"Everytime I come here, all your mom ever talked about was marriage and having kids. She always said that we're not getting any younger. I hated it when she talked about your biological clock."

"How do you think that makes me feel?" My anger quickly rose.

"That was a stupid reason to cheat on me."

"I know and I'm sorry. I should have been more honest."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to get married. I'm still young."

"You'll be thirty-five in a few months."

"I know that but I'm not ready to settle down."

"That's why you cheated?"

"No, Jane."

"Then what do you call what you did?"

He didn't need to answer.

"What you did doesn't make sense to me. You weren't the one who was going to have a hard time having kids. I was the one who carried this burden of a ticking time bomb with every passing day. But I didn't cheat on you. I was faithful, Joshua."

I cried, unleashing the anger I've been keeping the whole day.

"I'm sorry. Will you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I'm not sure. Not right now."

Natahimik kami pareho.

Pinahid ko ang luha at tumingin sa flower boxes huwag lang sa mukha niya.

Malago ang pink lilies na tinanim ni Mama.

Ang ganda nila tingnan pero hindi nito nagawang alisin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Inisip ko kung ano ang sasabihin kina Mama at Daddy.

Kahit hindi ako ang may kasalanan ay pakiramdam ko na sa akin pa rin babagsak ang sisi.

I thought of how easy it was for people to make excuses for Joshua's behavior because he's the man.

Meanwhile, I'm damned both ways whether I'm the one who was cheated on or the one who committed the cheating.

"Does this mean we're breaking up?"

"You didn't ask for a second chance."

"Even if I did, will you give me that?"

"No."

"I knew you wouldn't. You're too proud. You always told me that if I cheat on you, I should forget what we have."

"Yet you took that for granted."

"I'm really sorry," He looked like he meant it.

It broke my heart to see it.

Before this happened, there was nothing wrong with him.

He was kind, thoughtful and a gentleman.

I felt safe with him.

Because of his infidelity, I questioned whether all of that was true.

I wished he was more open about his feelings when talks of marriage came up.

I couldn't blame him because I was annoyed by it too.

But when it came to my parents especially my mother, I couldn't blame her either.

"What are you going to tell them?" He jerked his head towards the house.

"The truth."

"I should apologize to Tita and Tita. They've been nothing but kind to me."

"It's up to you. But don't expect them to be kind when they find out the reason why."

"I'm not expecting that. I just hope they can forgive me eventually."

"It will take time. Just like I don't know when I'll move on from this."

"I'm really sorry, Jane."

Joshua leaned forward and lifted both arms to hug me but I raised a hand to stop him.

"Just go."

He nodded.

I heard the retreating footsteps and the creaking of the wooden gate that led straight to the front yard.

Joshua didn't even properly said goodbye to my parents.

When the roaring engine of his motorcycle faded, I finally let myself grieve for my broken heart.