Trigger warning: Self- harm.

We rode in silence, no one saying a word. I watched droplets of rain slide down my window, an empty feeling piercing my chest.

"What do you want to eat, Alina?" Julian asked from the drivers seat. He turned down the radio so he could hear me but I just shrugged. I didn't want to eat.

"Either you pick something or I make a reservation," Angelo said, giving me an ultimatum.

"I'm not hungry."

"I'm sorry, but you have to have a decent meal," Angelo said, glancing over his shoulder to look at me. "You've barely eaten today."

I simply rolled my eyes.

"Why don't you just make a reservation," Killian said, sighing, "and you can explain why we're staying in town longer than planned." He didn't sound upset about it, just curious. I was too.

"Julian and I have a couple of work meetings," Angelo explained, quietly. "It won't take more than a day to deal with these fuckers -"

"Angelo, watch your language," Killian snapped at our older brother who waved his hand, dismissing him. I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Yeah, yeah. Alina, don't swear too much," Angelo said, "or our brother will blame me. And I'll never hear the end of it."

Sometimes it was hard to believe Angelo was the oldest ... because he sure didn't act like it.

My oldest brother made a reservation at a restaurant called The Melting Pot, a fancy, elegant establishment with an expensive menu. We had a wonderful view of the city line as the sun folded beneath the buildings and harbour.

Julian pulled out my seat and gestured for me to sit down. I did; not able to take my eyes of off the view. "Wow. This is amazing."

"I know right?" Angelo chirped, taking a seat across from me. Killian took the seat next to me and draped his suit jacket across the back of his chair.

"Order anything you want," Killian said, a smirk on his face, "Angelo is paying."

+++

After dinner, we made our way back to the hotel. I felt exhausted, physically and mentally. Killian unlocked the room and I followed him inside. Julian and Angelo had gone to their meeting, and my heart continued to pound with anxiety. I didn't know why I felt the way I felt, but my hands trembled.

I headed into the bathroom as soon as Killian shut the adjoining door to Angelo and Julian's room, locking the door behind me.

I reached into my overnight bag, into the inner compartment and fetched the straight razor, twirling it in my fingers. I felt an overwhelming desire to hurt, to see red, because it would make me feel numb.

Wanting to feel it, I pulled up my dress and pressed the blade into my ribs, blood seeping out from the wound. I did it three more times before holding the pristine white towel to my stomach. It didn't take too long for the blood to clot. I cleaned around the cuts as best as I could, dabbing away the blood stains that ran down my stomach.

I didn't need to be bleeding profusely to feel content, relief coursing through me as the pain ignited. I just needed a little bit to of pain to feel in control again. I closed my eyes, resting my head against back against the tile.

I stepped into the blistering hot water.

I had no idea how long I'd been in the shower. I shoulder get out, dry off, and have a nap.

The only thing that had helped so far was aiming the blistering water at the cuts on my stomach. At the aches and pains that lay just underneath my skin, festering. I'm not sure if the heat helped sooth me of simply gave me a different pain distraction, one I could control.

Just one more minute, just one more minute. One more minute and then I'll be fine.

"Alina, are you okay in there?" Killian knocked on the door. I carefully hid the blood soaked in the trash, placing it at the bottom of the pile. "Alina?"

"I'm just getting out of the shower," I called and hoped he'd accept that and leave me alone. I must have been in here for a while

Killian glared at me, playfully. "You're worse than Soren, taking all the hot water," he said, his tone light.

I smirked at him. "Sounds like a you problem."

"You definitely get your sass from Angelo though, that's for sure," he muttered, smiling, before grabbing the keys to his car. "I'm going to go get us dinner, Angelo and Julian won't be back until late. What do you want to eat?"

"It doesn't matter to me, you pick," I said, shrugging and brushed out my hair, hopping onto the bed.

Killian nodded. "Okay. Greek it is then," he said, smirking. He grabbed his wallet and phone from the desk as he headed for the front door, pausing to turn back at me. "While I'm out, don't answer the door. I mean it, Alina. Do not open the door.

I gave him an incredulous look. "What about Angelo and Julian. Shouldn't I open the door for them?"

"Don't get smart with me, young lady," he said, narrowing his eyes, but the corners of his mouth turned up. "I mean it though, don't answer the door and don't leave."

"What if there's a fire?" I asked as he went to turn around, unable to hold in my small laugh at his aggravated reaction. "Can I leave then?"

"Do you want your food or not?" He snapped and I laughed out loud. Killian huffed, shaking his head, striding for the door. He glanced at me one more time, his eyes serious as a heart attack. "I mean it, Alina. Don't leave the room. I'll be back in a few minutes."

I gave him a peace out sign. "Aye aye, captain."

My brother left, rolling his eyes. I finished brushing my hair and sank into the pillows. They were comfy - this entire room was comfy. I closed my eyes and let the exhaustion sweep over me like waves at a beach.

+++

Heidi smiled, setting her coffee down on the table and standing to greet Angelo and I. "Hi Angelo, hi Alina. Thank you for meeting me."

"No problem ... it's much better than bombarding us at a funeral." Angelo gave her a cold stare and I wondered why he came off so harsh. I mean I knew why, sort of. Angelo felt disrespected because he kept on ranting the entire time here. I couldn't help but agree with hundreds . "Don't you agree Ms. Murphy?"

Heidi's face grew tomato red. "Yes, I do apologize for that, I wanted to speak with Alina. I need to set up a biweekly check in -"

"What are you talking about?" Angelo asked, taking a sip of his coffee. "I have a social worker set up back in New York to do that - Dixon Waters."

"Yes, but given your record and reputation, a more senior social worker will have your sisters case. I'm sorry, it's just that -"

"Are you kidding me right now?" Angelo seethed, slamming his cup down on the table, and at that moment, I wished Julian had come in with us instead of waiting in the car. My oldest brother was losing his cool as a cucumber vibe and I didn't know how that would end for us or Heidi.

"His name is Keaton Rhodes. He's great and I think-"

"There is no reason to bring my record which is supposed to be sealed when I turned eighteen. I'm twenty seven-"

"Mr. Morena, I understand that it's very frustrating but we have to make every precaution. Alina and her safety and well-being are most important. Don't you agree?" She smiled, tilting her head, waiting for an answer from my brother. Angelo reluctantly nodded and I felt his gaze shift over me.

"My sister is one of the most important people in my life, I will do anything to protect her and would never hurt her," Angelo spoke.

"Mr. Morena, you misunderstand," Heidi said, shaking her head, "it is not you we are worried about, it's your business, the reputation you have in, not only in international business but politically as well."

My older brother scoffed. "I am not a politician."

"No, but you're a well known public figure in the business world and that comes with a lot of consequences. Your family in Italy have very strong ties to, well, everything. I am worried that it might impact Alina -"

"Heidi, I'm going to be fine," I said, ignoring the voice in my head, his voice, slurring at me not to speak when the adults are talking. Children are meant to be seen and not heard, he'd say. "Angelo is taking really good care of me."

"I know, and that's wonderful, I just want you to be happy Alina. There are just concerns, like in every single case, that need to be addressed and followed up on."

"So why did you need to meet us today? Why show up at her mothers funeral?" Angelo hissed and the ring of over the diners door signalled someone else coming in. I noticed Officer Tobin right away as he made his way over to the table.

"Why did you bring him here?"

"Because I believe that the person out there that killed your mother and Michael Woods may be searching for Alina. Your entire family, really," said Tobin, sliding into the booth next to Heidi.

Angelo cursed under his breath. "And what makes you think that?"

"Because the police found DNA samples from the crime scene that didn't match Dahlia or Michael on their bodies. Their bodies weren't completely burnt, so forensics were able to pull some other evidence. It belongs to Hector Alvarez. Do you know him?"

"Not yet," my brother snarled, "but I will."

+++
Thank you for reading.

What are your thoughts on this chapter? I try and add some comic relief because I know these chapters can be tough. Also just remember that everything I write is for a reason.

I know scenes with SI or any mental health issue can be disturbing and triggering but I am also trying to portray it as realistic as possible.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out. There are hundreds
of resources online and dozens of apps that help. Most importantly, tell someone if you're struggling. Talking helps.

You are not alone.
It is okay not to be okay.
- Charlie🧡