Part 95

It has been a while. Vina was trying to keep her mind from thinking about it too much. It's only fair. There's nothing for her to feel sad about.

She was the one who kept on reminding him about the list they were supposed to follow. She did it first. So it shouldn't hurt this much.

But it does.

She couldn't understand why it feels like the air around her was slowly closing in, and she couldn't seem to take a hold of the rapid beating in her throat. It was loud and prominent, skipping in beats and breaking.

It was difficult to breathe.

She lied on her side, turning her back to her sister. Vina closed her eyes, hugging her pillow tight.

'Wag ka na mag-isip. 'Wag ka na mag-isip. 'Wag ka na mag-isip. 'Wag ka na mag-isip, paulit-ulit niyang bulong sa sarili.

But it became harder to breathe each time she was trying to convince herself not to think about it, and twice as much each time she had to tell herself that it's okay.

It's not. But there was no other choice left for her. She needs to be okay with it.

She doesn't have any right to feel bad for the things she did. She was the one who drew out the terms. Kaya bakit siya magrereklamo?

She tried hard not to choke up.

Vina kept biting her lip. Mariin.

At mas madiin. Para lang hindi siya marinig ni Ate Van.

She was able to stifle a sob, it was at the edge of her lips.

Her mind kept on racing. Ilang pampalubag-loob na rin ang sinasabi niya sa sarili niya para lang hindi na siya umiyak.

She had to let him go because she needed to sort herself out. She knew she wasn't doing all right. She would only make everything worse for them and he'd be the one to understand the situation all the time. She knew that was unfair.

Vina thought to herself that it was better to end their relationship while they're still in good terms. Hurting him was the last thing she'll do.

Pero nagawa niya na rin siguro. And she must've pushed him too far this time.

Enough for him to remove the traces left she left behind . . . enough for him to leave her alone.

She took a deep breath. Her cheeks were heating up and tears were beginning to pool at the edge of her eyes. Mabilis niyang pinunasan ang namumuong luha.

Hindi ako iiyak, she said to herself. Most especially when her Ate Van is peacefully sleeping beside her. She doesn't want to wake her up.

Ilang beses siyang huminga nang malalim habang kinukumbinsi ang sarili.

Okay lang ako, lilipas din 'to. I just have to sleep tapos bukas, okay na ulit. Kaya ayos lang ako, pangungumbinsi niya sa sarili niya.

But there was a little voice at the back of her mind. Ayaw niyang pansinin. Ayaw niyang pakinggan. But the whispers were becoming too loud for her to ignore.

What if ayaw na sa kanya ni Jalil? What if bawiin ni Jalil 'yong sinabi niya dati na kahit wala na sila puwede pa rin naman sila maging magkaibigan? What if he'll find somebody else?

After all she was the one who told him not to wait for her anymore. She doesn't want to put herself below other people too, but she's aware there are individuals out there who's more capable than her. Mas well-adjusted. Mas malakas ang loob.

Someone who can stand and defend themselves, and someone who can defend their friends when their parents begin to throw mindless insults against them.

Jalil, Devie, Mac . . . they all deserve better.

Vina hitched her breath. She inhaled so sharply that it left a sting in her throat

Marahan niyang tinatapik-tapik ang dibdib niya at ilang beses niya ring sinubukang lumulon nang maayos. A sob and a hiccup was able to escape her lips.

She immediately bit her thumb hard enough to refrain herself from making any noise.

She was so careful not to wake her Ate Vanya. Pero hindi niya alam na kanina pa gising ang Ate niya.

Vanya doesn't know how to approach her little sister. But she couldn't help placing her hand on her shoulder, asking "what's wrong?"

Perhaps it's her sister's calm and soothing voice. Magaan at nang-aalo. Siguro dala na rin ng marahan na pagtapik-tapik ng Ate niya sa balikat niya.

But Vina failed to keep it to herself anymore. Lalo na nang marahan siyang pinaikot ni Vanya paharap sa kanya. Or maybe, it's the way she removed the strands of hair away from her face.

"Bakit ka umiiyak? Ano nangyari?"

"Ate . . . " Her voice cracked.

"Dahil ba kila Mama kanina? Sabi ko naman sa 'yo 'wag mo na alalahanin 'yon."

She knows that already. Pero hindi 'yon. Sunod-sunod ang iling ni Vina habang pinupunasan naman ni Van ang pisngi ng kapatid niya. Her cheeks were flushed, and Vina could barely catch her breathing. Her hiccups weren't helping as well. Kaya inalalayan siya ni Vanya para umupo.

"Ano bang nangyari? Bakit bigla kang—"

Vanya's question was interrupted when Vina buried her face in her chest.

Medyo nagulat naman si Van sa higpit ng yakap ni Vina sa kanya. She didn't know what to do especially when Vina's cries became uncontrollable. They were muffled, and she was shaking so badly.

Vina didn't mean to cry. Sinusubukan niya rin namang huminto. But when she felt her sister's arm close around her, and her hand caressing her hair, she couldn't really hold back anymore.

"Shh . . . ano ba nangyari, bb?" tanong ni Ate Vanya habang hinahaplos ang buhok niya.

"Sorry, Ate," she said in between sobs and hiccups.

"Sorry? Why are saying sorry? What's wrong?"

Everything, her mind whispered.

She has a thousand things to say, a thousand things running on her mind. They were all racing in her head, begging to be let out. But nothing came out of her lips.

All she could do was cry out the thousand things breaking inside of her.

Everything. Ruined and lost.

All at once.