Ibinaba ko ang bag sa couch habang pinakikinggan ang ingay na naririnig mula sa kuwarto namin ni Enzo. Nangilid ang mga luha ko nang mapagtanto na tinotoo niya nga . . . aalis na siya. Iiwan na niya ako.

Hindi ko pa rin maisip kung saan kami nagkamali.

Mabagal akong naglakad papalapit sa kuwarto namin. Dahil sa nakabukas na pinto, nakita ko siya na naglalagay ng mga damit sa maleta niya, maging ang ibang gamit niya.

"Enzo . . ."

Tumigil siya sa ginagawa bago lumingon sa akin. Malungkot siyang ngumiti bago lumapit sa akin. "Ruth, you shouldn't have come home tonight."

Umiling ako nang paulit-ulit kasabay ng tuluyang pag-agos ng mga luha ko. "Why? What did I do wrong?"

He sighed as he held both of my shoulders, looking straight at my eyes. "Wala. It's just that . . . this isn't working anymore. Ruth, we're not happy anymore. You know that."

I sobbed. "Hindi na ba maaayos? Bakit kailangang maghiwalay kaagad? Enzo, we've been together for more than six years. I can't lose you just like that. It's like . . . throwing away those years in my life that I am with you." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. "Enzo, please. Isa pa. Isang chance pa. Let's try again, please. Mahal kita."

He sighed, looking down on the floor. "Ruth, I still love you too." He looked at me again. "But what's the point of staying here with you kung hindi na tayo masaya?"

I cried louder as I looked down. "Saan ba ako nagkamali? May iba ka na ba?"

He sighed. "Ruth, wala. You know that. I never had someone else in those six years. Kahit ngayon, wala."

"Then why are you leaving me? Why are you breaking up with me?!"

"Everything has changed, Ruth. We've been trying to fight for this relationship for a year already but the sparks are all gone. I . . . I still love you but I don't feel the same way."

"But I do!" I cried. "Walang nagbago sa pagmamahal ko sa 'yo, Enzo. Don't leave me. Let's try again, please . . ."

His silence always answers my pleas.

His silence always hurt me the worst way, because I know that it answers the way that I did not want.

"Enzo, please. One last chance. Let's try again," I begged, crying.

Bahagya niyang iniangat ang paningin sa akin bago ngumiti nang maliit. Ilang sandali pa, dahan-dahan niyang inilapit ang mukha sa akin, dahilan para mapapikit ako, hanggang sa naramdaman ko na ang labi niya sa akin.

The way he kissed me always sends me to paradise, and I couldn't understand how he lost interest in our relationship. I will never understand how he can break-up with me just like that, when we have been together since we were in college.

Walang nagbago sa pagmamahal ko para sa kan'ya, kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit . . . bakit nagbago ang pagmamahal niya sa akin.

His lips moved as we slowly walked. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the bed and getting naked as he sucked the side of my neck, giving him my everything for the nth time, without a doubt, not even an ounce.

Siya lang naman ang gusto ko . . . ang paulit-ulit kong pagbibigyan ng lahat-lahat sa akin. Wala nang iba. I can risk everything—sacrifice everything—huwag lang siyang mawala sa akin.

"Ruth . . ." he whispered as his hands played with my bare mounds.

"Hmm?" I responded as I played with his hair.

"I am not fine, you know that." He sighed. "This is not . . . working."

Wala na akong ibang magawa kung hindi ang umiyak nang umiyak sa gitna ng pagtatalik naming dalawa.

Bakit ba pinagpipilitan ko ang sarili ko? It's been more than a year since he asked for a break. Paulit-ulit kong sinusubukang ayusin yung relasyon naming dalawa . . . pero mukhang hindi na nga talaga niya kaya.

Hindi na niya kayang manatili sa tabi ko . . . kasi hindi na niya ako mahal, katulad ng pagmamahal niya sa akin noon.

We used to be very in love.

He used to give me butterflies on my stomach.

How did we end up like this?

***

Kinabukasan, nagising akong wala na si Enzo sa tabi ko. Wala na rin ang dalawang maleta niya, maging ang ibang gamit niya sa loob ng kuwarto naming dalawa. Tahimik na umagos ang mga luha ko bago ko pinulot ang damit ko sa sahig at isa-isa itong isinuot sa hubad kong katawan.

Just like that . . . I lost the man I loved.

I lost the man I promised myself to be my end.

I lost him . . . because I haven't taken care of him enough.

I lost him . . . I lost half of me.

It's the weekend so I have no work today. I stayed inside the unit alone, idling and reminiscing about the days that this lonely condo unit was once full of love . . . happiness. I remembered that both of us were very happy when we're just moving in here. Kung paano kami namili ng mga gamit, ng furnitures . . . ng kung ano-anong kailangan namin.

I opened a can of beer and drank it straight. I cried again as I realized, wala na rin akong kasamang iinom dito. Mag-isa na lang ako.

What's the point of staying in this condo? We bought this together with the money that we saved in our joint account. Why am I still here? I should leave too, right?

I sighed as I drank the remaining beer straight.

***

The next days were all so gloomy in my unit. Hindi sinasagot ni Enzo ang texts and calls ko kaya kahit na anong gawin ko, alam ko sa sarili kong hindi na siya babalik.

Hindi na siya babalik sa akin.

Instead of driving to my condo, umuwi ako sa bahay ng parents ko. Doon, baka-sakaling hindi ko maramdamang mag-isa lang ako.

Baka-sakaling mabawasan yung sakit . . . yung pangungulila ko sa kan'ya.

"Ruth, bakit ka nandito?"

Ngumiti ako kay Mama bago nakipag-beso. "'Ma, dito muna ako."

Napakunot-noo siya nang dahil do'n. "Bakit? Paano si Enzo?" tanong niya habang naglalakad kami papasok sa bahay.

I pursed my lips and forced myself to smile as I felt my eyes starting to heat. "Wala na po kami."

I heaved a deep sigh as I entered the house. I saw Papa holding a piece of bread in the dining area. "Hello, 'Pa!"

Ngumiti ako bago lumapit at humalik sa pisngi niya. He laughed heartily before he put the bread down on his saucer. "How's my daughter?"

I smiled. "I'm okay po."

"Ruth!"

Lumingon ako kay Mama at nakita ang pag-aalala niya. "Po?"

"Anong nangyari? Bakit kayo naghiwalay ni Enzo?"

Napalingon ako kay Papa na biglang tumayo matapos marinig ang sinabi ni Mama. "Ano? Anong hiwalay?!"

I bit my lower lip before I looked at them. Seconds later, my tears are already falling. "It's been a week since we broke up. I supposed, he fell out of love."

Matapos kong sabihin 'yon, tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para sana mapigilan ang malakas na pag-iyak. But when Mama hugged me, hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. Yumakap ako sa kan'ya pabalik at iniyak nang iniyak ang lahat.

"I'm sorry po. I'm sorry, hindi po kami ikinasal sa huli. I'm sorry," I said repeatedly in between my sobs. "Papa, I'm sorry po."

"Wala kang kasalanan!" galit na sabi ni Papa. "Hindi mo kasalanan na binitiwan ka niya! Nasaan ba ang hayop na 'yan, bakit ka niya sinaktan?!"

"Pa!" I cried. "Pa, h-hindi n'yo po naiintindihan." I gulped as I pulled away from mama's hug. "H-Hindi ko po siya naalagaan. Hindi ko po siya . . . kinumusta. Hindi ko po masyadong inaalam kung . . . a-ano nang nangyayari sa kan'ya. I loved my work too much. Nakalimutan kong may tao akong m-minamahal . . . outside my job. I'm sorry that I failed in my first relationship. I'm sorry for f-failing you."

"Don't say sorry! It's not you who failed here! It's him who should be here and beg for our forgiveness! He failed to keep his love for you, kaya siya ang dapat na magmakaawa sa kapatawaran namin, hindi ikaw!" Papa said as his face became red. "If he wants you back, he'll need to beg for us first before he gets to you!"

Sa huli, inawat na ni Mama si Papa dahil masyado na itong nagagalit. He has a high blood pressure that's why he shouldn't be like this. I sat on the chair and tried to calm myself from too much crying. After Mama gave him a glass of water, she came back to me and wiped my tears.

"Anak, anong kailangan mo? Nandito lang si Mama para sa 'yo."

Muli na namang nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. Since I am their only daughter, they have always treated me like a baby, kahit na noong bumukod na kami ni Enzo. For them, I am always their baby, kahit na uugud-ugod na yata ako.

"I just want to rest, Mama. That's all."

Ngumiti si Mama bago tumango. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "Tara, ihahatid na kita sa kuwarto mo."

We stood up and walked to my room on the second floor. Nang makapasok na ako sa kuwarto, pinahiga ako ni Mama bago binuksan ang aircon. Pagkatapos, naupo siya sa gilid ng kama bago pinunasan ang mga luha ko.

"You'll get through it, Ruth. If you need anything, Papa and I will always be here for you, okay?"

Tumango ako bilang tugon. Mama kissed my forehead before she went out of my room to let me take my rest.

***

Tuluyan na nga akong nawalan ng gana sa work ko. I have been writing and editing novels in a publishing company. I love my job so much because I have been reading books since I was a kid.

Hindi ko akalaing darating ang araw na mawawalan ako ng gana sa trabaho ko. I used to pour everything in me for this.

"Ruth, may nakaligtaan ka yatang i-edit. There are multiple errors sa iba't ibang chapter. Kindly check it again bago mo i-send sa akin," one of my co-editors said.

Tumango ako bago binuksan ulit ang file na s-in-end sa kan'ya. I browsed the words with my eyes and saw that there were lots of errors. Damn, why am I like this? Two weeks na simula nang iniwan ako ni Enzo. I can't believe that I am still functioning this way. Parang kahapon lang yung break up, eh.

I sighed as I looked away at the monitor and started idling.

This is not me. Writing and editing novels used to be a hobby that became a job. Why does it feel like I am now only obligated to do it? Wala na akong gana. Wala na yung enthusiasm ko na magbasa at mag-edit ng stories.

This is not me.

What should I do to get myself back on track and function the way I usually do?

***

This chapter is dedicated to rvn_elle! Thank you so much for always supporting every story that I am posting! I hope that you'll enjoy this story as much as you enjoyed my other stories!

 Have a blissful 2022, everyone!!! <3

-mari 🌻