My mind is all over the place right after Grayson and I met yesterday. I couldn't do my job well anymore. All I did was space out . . . thinking about all the things that could've been if I ever decided to choose myself that time.

Nakauwi na ulit ako ng condo galing sa trabaho. Gusto ko sanang magluto ng makakain na kahit na ano pero wala pa rin akong gana gumawa. All I wanted was to sleep . . . and drink alcohol . . . smoke cigarettes.

I was lying on my bed, still wearing the clothes I wore in my work today, when my phone rang. Ibinaba ko muna ang sigarilyo sa ashtray bago kinuha ang cellphone sa side table. Napakunot-noo ako nang makita ang pangalan ni Jenna sa caller ID, kasabay ng pagkabog ng dibdib ko.

I was hesitant if I would answer her call because I'm afraid that this has something to do with Grayson, but then, I remembered how stubborn I was back then para lang pumayag siya na makipagkita sa akin. In the end, I decided to answer it.

"Hey," I said.

"Hello! Where are you?" she asked.

"I'm in my condo right now. Why?"

"Well . . ." She sighed. "I thought you'd be back in Bohol! Didn't you talk with Grayson kahapon?" she asked.

Napakunot-noo ako. "Uhh . . . yes."

She sighed. "Akala ko naman magkasama na kayo! Grayson's back in Bohol again but why are you still there?"

"Huh?"

She chuckled. "He's been here for over a month already, watching you from afar. I think he's waiting for your stomach to get bigger?"

Napaawang ang bibig ko. "What???"

She chuckled again. "Grayson stayed with us for that whole month and he told me that you threw the bottle of birth control pills that you bought. He's probably thinking that you're pregnant that's why he stayed silent, watching you."

I couldn't talk. I couldn't process anything that she's saying right now.

If Grayson's watching me for over a month already, is it possible that he saw me in a bar the other day? Is he worried for the baby to be harmed because I drank alcohol? And danced with people???

"W-What???"

She sighed. "You owe me one, remember?" she asked, which made me more nervous. "I'll be the one to ask you a favor this time."

I gulped before talking. "W-What is it?"

She sighed. "Stop thinking about Love and I. We were doing fine here. Grayson and I are already on good terms now, thanks to you. I gave his rights over Lovely back because I realized that you're right. The weekend we spent in Bohol proved to me that Grayson changed for the better and he deserved this chance to be with our daughter."

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong isagot sa mga sinasabi niya ngayon. At the moment, I'm still puzzled because of what she said. Grayson's here for over a month . . . what the hell?

Why do I feel so happy just because of that? P'wede naman na nag-stay siya dito for that long because he wanted to spend time with Love, right?

"Please, do me a favor. Settle things with Grayson for my peace of mind. Hindi ko kaya matulog every night na iniisip na ikaw, nagsa-suffer just because you thought that if you let him go, we'll be back together and build our family once again."

She sighed. "Hindi gano'n 'yon. Sapat na sa akin na sinusuportahan kami ni Grayson ngayon sa lahat. He gave us our own place here so we don't have to stay with my cousin. He even hired a yaya for Love since I am working and he's far away. He's supporting us in everything now. You don't have to worry about us anymore."

I was about to talk when she talked once again.

"And if you're still thinking about this love that he had for me, forget that. It's all in the past. Wala naman na kaming pinagsisisihan kasi okay na kami. Okay si Love kasama siya. This time, it's your turn to do me a favor."

I sighed in frustration. "Jenna, it's not that easy."

"I know. Hindi rin naman madaling harapin si Grayson back then since I was so angry at him, right? Pero ginawa ko. Kinaya ko. And look at how good our situation is right now." She went silent for a few seconds, then she talked again. "Why? Why do you love suffering? Why do you keep on punishing yourself? Nand'yan na ang chance. All you need to do is grab that. Wala nang ibang aagaw sa 'yo. It's all yours. The stage is yours to perform, Ruth. All you have to do is forget about the people who are watching you and enjoy your life . . . be happy. That's all."

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa. Narinig ko na lang na nagpaalam siya dahil magpe-prepare na siya ng dinner ni Love. Ako naman, wala nang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang umiyak dahil . . . tama naman siya. Nandito na sa harap ko. Tutukain ko na lang, hindi ko pa magawa.

Do I really love punishing myself or am I just a coward to take a risk and be hurt once again?

***

Weeks after I talked with Jenna, wala na akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang tapusin ang mga trabahong ibinigay sa akin nang sa gano'n, hindi magkaroon ng backlogs pagkaalis ko. Nagpasa na ako ng resignation letter pero kailangan ko raw mag-stay doon until makahanap ng ipapalit sa akin.

It wasn't the past job I had na maraming empleyado ang p'wedeng ipalit kaya p'wedeng umalis kaagad once magpasa ng resignation letter.

After I finished everything and when the new employee to replace me came, I trained her for a week before I officially left the company. Pagkatapos n'on, nagpaalam na rin ako sa ibang friends ko na aalis na nga ako ng Manila. They were all happy for me because they saw that I finally decided to leave Manila and they want the same for themselves too.

"Just do all the things that you think you'll enjoy, Ruth. 'Wag mo nang isipin yung mga nangingialam sa buhay mo," Shaina said.

I nodded. "Thank you."

Felix and my other friends hugged me and said that they'll miss hanging out with me. After that, I turned to Jake who looked sad right now.

"I thought it's my chance now to be with you," he said in a sad tone. "But if that's your decision for yourself, then all I want is what's best for you."

I smiled. "Thank you, Jake. I hope you'll find someone who will make you leave your old lifestyle because to be with her is what makes you feel at home."

He smiled. "Is that what you felt, that's why you're leaving?"

I nodded as I smiled. "Yes."

He pulled me closer and hugged me. "I'm so proud of you."

I cried a bucket of tears because of what he said. No one has ever told me that they are proud of me for this decision. Palagi nilang sinasabi na masaya sila para sa akin pero hindi nila sinabing proud sila sa akin,

"Thank you so much, Jake."

And we continued drinking and partying.

Three days after that, kausap ko naman ang dating workmate ko na si Maria. I asked to eat lunch with her today to tell her the news of me leaving city life.

"Seryoso ka na ba?" umiiyak na sabi niya habang kumakain kami ng lunch sa restaurant malapit sa workplace niya. "Will you really leave us here?"

I nodded slightly. "I'm sorry. I just realized that this world is not for me anymore. I don't feel like I still belong here. Bohol, on the other hand, made me feel like I am at home . . . at peace. I never felt that way here, Maria. This world I have in Manila is chaotic . . . toxic . . . problematic." I laughed. "Ang daming matang nakatingin at naghihintay sa akin na magkamali. I don't want this life anymore. I'm already old enough to choose the best life that fits for me . . . and that is what I'm going to do now."

She wiped her tears. "I'm really proud of you for deciding on your own now. I'm so glad that Bohol made you into a better woman that you can be."

"Thank you, Maria." I smiled.

She nodded. "Just always remember that you have a friend in me, okay? Kapag dadalaw ka dito sa Manila, p'wede bang sabihan mo ako? Ngayon pa lang, miss na miss na kita, Ruth!" She cried more. "Dalawin mo ako, ah! Or ako rin dadalaw sa 'yo kapag maraming free time, okay?"

I smiled. "Thank you so much, Maria. I will do that."

After that, I packed all of my things in my condo. Hindi ko alam kung may gamit pa ba akong dapat kuhanin sa bahay ng parents ko pero dadaan din naman ako doon para magpaalam. I should check my room, too.

Nilinis ko rin nang mabuti ang condo at iniayos sa gawi na gusto ni Enzo dahil isosoli ko na sa kan'ya ito. I don't need this since I won't be living here in Manila anymore. Napakinabangan ko naman nang mabuti so I think, it's the right time to give it back to him. I don't care about my share in this condo anymore. I've lived here for years. I think my money is already well-spent here. Hindi ko na kailangang kuhanin pa ang pera ko dito.

Nang matapos, kinuha ko ang mga susi at pinagsama-sama. Ibibigay ko ito bukas kay Enzo. I will explain everything to him.

I still remember what he said . . . that I can date anyone basta hindi si Grayson o kahit na sinong may malaking commitment sa buhay bago ako. I get the concern that he has for me but I really don't care about anything anymore.

I want my life in Bohol back . . . and I am taking it back now.