Nang maalala kong tumawag nga pala si Enzo kaninang umaga, kinuha ko ulit ang cellphone sa side table pagkatapos kong maligo. Wala ngayon si Grayson. Nagpaalam siya kaninang lalabas muna para magpahangin matapos niyang sabihin lahat-lahat ng totoong nararamdaman niya sa akin.

I'm really worried about this one. Baka mamaya, iwasan ako n'on. I don't mean anything about my silence a while ago since I just don't know what to say.

I sighed as I sat on the edge of the bed. I opened my phone and the lockscreen photo was still the same. It was Enzo and I's photo from his sister's wedding. This was just a few months before Enzo asked for a break up. Kung bibilangin kong mabuti, it was already more than two months since that day. Hindi lang ako pumapayag kaya tumagal pa nang tumagal hanggang sa a month after that, he decided that he really can't do this anymore.

A day after, he packed his things and left after having sex with me for the last time. Now, look where I am. I just finished making out with someone I just met less than a week ago and I never even felt bad kahit konti.

Bago ako nag-text kay Enzo, pinalitan ko na muna ang homescreen at lockscreen photo ko. Naglagay ako ng sarili kong pictures na si Grayson ang kumuha. I'm really a lot prettier with Grayson's photography skills. Kahit na stolen shot talaga na mapapamura ka kapag iba ang kumuha, sa kan'ya hindi. Kahit tumatawa ako at lumalabas ang double chin ko, ang ganda pa rin tingnan ng bawat shot niya.

Pagkatapos n'on, hinanap ko na ang pangalan ni Enzo sa mga conversations at nag-type ng message para sa kan'ya.

Me:

Hi! I'm sorry, I was half-asleep when I answered your call kanina. If you have anything to say, can you send me a message na lang, instead? Mahina kasi ang signal sa lugar ko and I don't think phone calls are great idea. Thank you and I hope you're doing fine.

Wala na sana akong plano na maghintay pa sa reply niya since I always do what I promised and this time, I promised Grayson to focus on myself while I'm here, but Enzo's quick to send me a message. Since mag-isa lang din naman ako, binasa ko na.

Enzo:

Good morning! That explains why I thought I heard you moan a while ago. You usually do that while you're sleeping, as far as I can remember. :)

Nag-init ang mukha ko nang maalala kung paano ko ginusto at hiniling kay Grayson na may mangyari sa amin kanina. He really knows how to play with me! He knew that I'll ask for that kapag ginalingan niya ang paghalik sa akin!

Enzo:

I just have to ask you something. I'm still allowed, right?

Me:

Of course. Ano 'yon?

It took me a few minutes before I received his reply.

Enzo:

You're so cold now. Hahaha. Anyway, you're alone there, right?

I gulped.

Me:

Yes, why? Mag-isa lang akong umalis. Mama even drove me to the airport. Why?

Enzo:

I just can't help but to feel curious about this one photo that you uploaded on your IG. A friend told me about this kanina so I checked. And you were obviously with someone. Whoever that person is, he's holding your hand underwater.

Enzo:

I knew that he's a guy because his hand is really big compared to yours.

Enzo:

I just want to know . . . who is he?

Napahawak ako sa kanang sentido ko dahil sa mga itinatanong niya sa akin ngayon. For so many months, ngayon lang ulit naging ganito ka-curious sa buhay ko si Enzo and I don't think that I appreciate it.

Why now kung kailan wala na kami?

Me:

I couldn't swim underwater very well and he's a photographer who's guiding me so that I can be safe while doing the shoots. I hope this answers your question, Enzo.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone sa gilid ko at tinitigan ito nang matagal.

Hindi na ako kinakabahan.

Also, I realized that my reaction when he called was like I'm very uninterested with it. Nagawa ko pang lokohin si Grayson tungkol do'n at makipagtawanan sa kan'ya. Is this just a normal reaction of someone who's broken-hearted over a six-year relationship that ended more than a month ago?

Kung makatawa ako kanina noong pinagti-trip-an ko si Grayson, parang wala na lang si Enzo, ah?

As I stared at the screen, I saw his reply pop up.

Enzo:

Ohh, okay then. I'll believe you. I am receiving malicious comments from our mutuals saying that you have already found someone else based on the caption you added. But, since you said that he's just a photographer you hired there, then I can finally ease my mind. Thank you, Ruth. You can continue enjoying your trip. :) I love you.

I wanted to smile and feel happy because, finally, I felt Enzo's interest in my life again. I wanted to feel happy because after so many months that our relationship was very shaky, he's back to being like this—to the Enzo I repeatedly fell in love with years ago.

Pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit . . . bakit wala na akong ibang maramdaman? Parang normal na lang sa akin. I even felt a little irritated when he said something about our mutuals that said malicious comments about me.

Kung ako yung Ruth a few weeks ago, I'd be happy to leave this place and come back to him. I will even apologize because I lied—that he's not just a photographer that I hired. Pero yung Ruth na kausap niya ngayon, nagawa nang magsinungaling sa kan'ya.

And I don't even feel bad about it.

This is not cheating because we already broke up, right? Who cares about the three-month rule now? If Enzo could, he would also find someone else the moment we broke up.

Ngayon na lang ulit ako sumaya sa buhay ko. Ngayon na lang ulit ako may ni-look forward. 'Wag na sanang maantala. Isang buwan lang naman 'to. Sana ibalato na lang nila sa akin.

In fact . . . it doesn't hurt me the same way anymore. It doesn't make my heart flutter anymore whenever Enzo tries to check on me, especially the way he did now. All I feel is, somehow, caged. Kasi parang ayaw niya pa akong maghanap ng iba when, literally, it's been more than a year since he first asked for a break.

I sighed as I lay on the bed, thinking of all the things that happened the past days and now the conversation I had with Enzo.

Enzo said that he'll never come back to me. I believed him because whatever he's going to tell me that night will be my truth and I'll have to do it because it is the right thing to do. It was the last faith that I have for him kasi ang tagal ko siyang hindi sinukuan. There's always a limit for everything—for everyone—and that night's talk that I shared with him was my limit for him.

I bit my thumb's fingernail as I think of my emotions more from a few weeks ago up to now.

He made it really clear to me that we're done. He pushed this break up kahit na ilang beses akong nagmakaawa. I know that I am responsible for this break up too since I was the cause of it but . . . I am giving him what he wants.

He wanted me to leave him alone.

He wanted me to stop begging because the relationship that we had will no longer work anymore.

He said that he can't be with me.

Ginagawa ko na ang lahat ng hiniling niya sa kain. Now, why is he acting this way?

I sighed as I closed my eyes, letting my arms fall on the bed.

Enzo . . . I'm trying to make everything right. Please, don't make it hard for me. Please cooperate with me because it is you who wanted this first. And now that I wanted it too . . . you're acting the opposite of what you said you wanted.

Damn . . . how can I clear my mind and make sure that what I feel with Grayson is real when he's being like this?

***

Hapon na pero hindi pa rin bumabalik si Grayson. He texted me saying that I should eat at the restaurant since he won't be back at hindi niya rin sure kung hanggang anong oras siyang wala. And so, I did.

Kung gusto mong umiwas, bahala ka.

Lumabas ako ng hotel para mamasyal sa labas. Naglakad-lakad ako dahil naiinip ako. Sayang naman ang araw kung mananatili lang ako sa loob ng hotel. I didn't come here to sulk and think about how Enzo is acting indifferent all day.

I wanted to enjoy it.

I wanted to seize the moment.

I wanted to make everything here to last.

At kung magkukulong lang ako sa k'warto dahil lang wala si Grayson para samahan akong mamasyal, sayang ang oras. Kaya ko namang magkulong din sa k'warto ko kahit nasa Manila ako kaya bakit dadayo pa ako ng Bohol kung gano'n lang din ang gagawin ko?

Nakakita ako ng tindahan sa malapit. May mga prutas na nakalagay sa plastic cups na naka-display sa labas. Parang gumagawa sila ng fruitshake. Sakto, mainit pa naman dahil 4:30 PM na. Tamang-tama.

"Hello po. Isang mango shake," sabi ko sa matandang nagtitinda sa loob. "Magkano po?"

"Singkwenta lang, hija."

Tumango ako bago kumuha ng pambayad sa wallet saka ito iniabot sa babae. Kinuha niya 'yon at ginawa na ang order ko. Mabilis lang akong naghintay dahil wala pa yatang limang minuto, tapos na kaagad ang mango shake na order ko.

"Ito na, hija."

I smiled. "Thank you po."

Kinuha ko 'yon bago umalis ng tindahan. Habang naglalakad-lakad, humigop ako sa straw na nakalagay do'n. Medyo nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil sobrang malasa ang manga at hindi basta flavor lang. I can even feel some bits of crushed mango and it's very milky.

It's very delicious for a fifty-peso drink.

Hindi ko na alam kung nasaang lugar ako since kanina pa ako naglalakad-lakad. Mga dalawang oras na yata akong namamasyal at medyo masakit na ang paa ko kaya naman naupo na muna ako sa gilid. Uubusin ko na muna itong shake at magpapahinga. Gusto ko sanang mag-swimming but it would be very boring to swim alone.

I sighed.

Tumayo ako para itapon na sana ang pinag-inuman ko sa basurahan nang makita ko ang familiar na motor na mabagal na nagdi-drive papunta sa akin. Hindi ko na muna itinuloy ang pagtatapon nito dahil alam kong si Grayson ito.

Huminto siya sa harap ko bago inialis ang helmet. Masama ang tingin ang isinalubong niya sa akin.

"Ano bang ginagawa mo dito, ha?!"

W-Wow . . .

Who is he to shout at me that way?