Hinila ko ang luggage ko palabas ng Tagbilaran airport at hinanap ang van ng Bluewater Panglao Resort kung saan ako naka-check in for three days. I already found an apartment where I'm going to stay for a month here but I need to stay in a hotel para may mag-accommodate sa akin dito on my first day.

Nang makita ko na ang sasakyan, lumapit ako sa driver. Kinuha niya sa akin ang mga gamit ko at inilagay sa loob ng sasakyan, bago ako sumakay sa loob. As we wait for other passengers, ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko para magpahinga.

I couldn't sleep since the night Enzo told me that he won't come back to me.

I gulped as I felt the lumps that were forming on my throat. My tears are already on the verge of falling when I heard the driver talk.

"Aalis na ho tayo, kumpleto na po ba?"

The people inside the van answered yes in unison. Umayos na ako ng upo at isinuot ang sunglass ko. Ipinatong ko ang ulo sa bintana tsaka ipinikit ang mga mata.

I want to sleep. I've been awake for more than 48 hours already. Why can't I sleep? Imposibleng excited ako sa Bohol trip na 'to dahil muntik ko na ngang i-cancel ang lahat lahat ng ni-book ko matapos kong makausap si Enzo. If Mama didn't persuade me to go, baka nasa Manila pa rin ako ngayon at umiiyak sa kuwarto.

In less than an hour, nakarating kami sa Panglao. Nakita ko na rin ang malaking pangalan ng Bluewater Resort hanggang sa makapasok na nga kami sa loob. The van stopped and we're ready to go to our designated rooms. The porter helped me with my luggage until we arrived in my room.

As soon as I entered the sliding door, doon ko lang naramdaman yung pagod sa byahe pati ang kakulangan sa pagtulog. I was amazed with how the bed is—like—floating dahil walang paa ang mga papag. Ang galing lang ng pagkakagawa.

Naupo ako sa gilid ng kama at marahang inihiga ang katawan. I closed my eyes as I heaved a deep sigh.

Ngayon pa lang yata ako makakatulog ulit.

***

Gabi na nang magising ako. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit ng tiyan ko dahil sa gutom kaya naman nagpunta na ako sa beachside restaurant sa labas. Nagpahatid ako sa van ng resort kahit p'wede namang mag-tricycle. It's just that, it's already 7:40 PM. Hindi naman ako tagarito kaya hindi na siguro maaalis sa akin ang takot.

Nang makarating sa mga restaurant, naghanap na ako ng p'wedeng kainan na hindi mas'yadong maraming tao. Sobrang daming turista—halo-halo rin ang mga lahi ng tao rito. Ang dami kong nakitang Americans at Chinese. Feeling ko nga rin, may mga Korean. I just can't seem to differentiate them with Chinese without checking them out better.

Nang makahanap, I ordered a buttered shrimp for my meal. Hindi ako maganang kumain the past days but the smell of the place is making me hungry. What I like about the restaurants here is that you know that the seafood that they're serving is fresh. Ako pa nga ang namili ng mga shrimp na ipinaluto ko.

After 20 minutes of waiting, my food is already served.

As I started eating, rinig na rinig ko ang ingay ng mga tao, dayuhan man o hindi. Halatang mga nagkakasiyahan habang kumakain sa mahabang lamesa. Napanguso ako bago itinuon na ang buong atensiyon sa pagkain.

I want to enjoy this Bohol trip too but how can I enjoy this when my heart is being tormented everyday whenever I remember what Enzo told me?

Hindi na ako babalik . . .

Mabilis lang din na nawala ang gana ko sa pagkain. I still have a few shrimps left and as much as I want to eat all of them because they taste so good, I lost my appetite already.

After I paid for my bill, umalis na ako ng restaurant at naglakad-lakad sa gilid ng dagat. Maraming turista akong nakakasalubong at lahat sila, may kasama. This is the first time that I went on a trip alone and I didn't know that I would feel this . . . small. I suddenly feel anxious about myself and I don't even know why.

I sighed before sitting on the pavements, watching the waves to hit the sand. Niyakap ko ang mga binti ko sa lamig na naramdaman dahil sa malakas na ihip ng hangin.

"I shouldn't have come here," I whispered to myself before putting my chin on my knee. "I should've just stayed home."

I sighed for the nth time. I imagined this trip with Enzo as I watched the waves of the sea. This trip would be one million percent better if I am with him. Kung hindi ko siya in-invalidate a year ago, baka magkasama kami ngayon dito.

I suddenly remembered that night he talked to me about his problems.

"Ruth," he called me while we're lying on the bed beside each other.

I looked at him and saw that his eyes were somewhat . . . sad. What happened?

"Oh, Enzo?" I touched his face and caressed his cheek with my thumb finger. "What's wrong?"

He sighed before wrapping his arm around my waist. "I'm . . . I'm not feeling good."

Napakunot-noo ako sa sinabi niya. "Huh? Bakit? Anong nangyari?" I asked, worried.

He sighed, looking down as he held my hand that's touching his face. "I'm having an existential crisis. It feels like I don't belong to where I am now. I don't feel happy anymore with the job that I have. Suddenly, the purpose I thought that I had became hazy."

Hindi ko maintinidihan kung anong gusto niyang iparating. He's a great real estate broker and he's doing a very good job in his field. Ang dami na nga niyang pera kaya natulungan niya ako sa condo unit naming dalawa pati sa sasakyan na ginagamit ko ngayon.

I don't see what's the problem.

"Uhh, bakit? Ang laki ng sweldo mo sa work mo. Why are you feeling that now?"

He sighed as he pulled me into a hug. "I don't know. Bigla ko lang naramdaman. I don't see any sense in doing all these."

I hugged him tighter as I closed my eyes. "Tama na 'yan. Huwag mo nang isipin 'yan. The night is too good for all these dramas. Baka pagod ka lang. Let's just sleep, okay?"

After I told him that, he didn't answer. Naramdaman ko na lang kung paaano lumuwag ang pagyakap niya sa akin.

I should have known that the way his hug loosened means that I did something bad. Kung hindi niya pa sinabi sa akin, hindi ko malalaman na nasaktan ko siya.

Sunud-sunod na tumulo ang mga luha ko nang mapagtanto kung gaano kasakit ang naramdaman niya matapos kong sabihin 'yon. I suddenly want to disappear. I want to slap myself repeatedly.

I shouldn't have done that.

I shouldn't have said that.

Kung ako ang nakarinig n'on mula kay Enzo o sa ibang tao, I would probably feel like a garbage. And knowing that I was the one who said that makes me feel like a shit.

I am the worst person ever. Ang kapal ng mukha kong hilinging bumalik siya sa akin when I imposed so much pain in him.

It wasn't even a one-time thing. Doon lang nagsimula ang lahat ng pang-i-invalidate ko sa kan'ya. After that, I remembered all the times that I told him to stop being sad . . . stop the drama . . . stop all this pessimism because it wasn't helping him.

I sighed as I stood up, ready to walk away from the beach and went back to the resort. But I was stopped from walking when I saw a guy with his camera in front of his face. It looks like he's taking pictures of me!

Ibinaba niya ang camera at nakita ko kung paano umawang ang bibig niya dahil nalaman niyang nakita ko siya. He was about to walk towards me when I turned my back and walked away.

Palalampasin ko ngayon ang mga ganitong tao pero once someone did it again—may it be the same person or not—they will surely hear something from me.

Taking someone's picture without their consent is very inappropriate. But, since I am not in my best mood, palalampasin kita ngayon, kung sino ka man.

Pasakay na sana ako ng tricycle nang bigla siyang humarang sa daraanan ko.

"Miss!" he said, panting. "I'm sorry. You just looked pretty and serene a while ago. I can't let this go."

I glared at him. He immediately looked away but he didn't seem to leave.

"I'm really, really sorry."

I sighed. "Okay na. P'wede na ba akong umalis?"

I watched him gulp as he touched his nape. Ilang sandali pa, nagsalita na siya. "Where are you staying? I can drive you there."

Umiling ako. "Hindi na. I'll just take a trike." He sighed again. Lalampasan ko na sana siya pero humarang ulit siya sa daraanan ko. Tumingin ako sa kan'ya nang nakakunot-noo. "Ano ba?"

"Please? I'll take you there. Just to make sure that you're safe."