TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of self harm.

Playlist- https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4TNcirGF1jYBhnlR6HHrTv?si=AM_P9qObSwe44yO5MFRfcA

Songs for this chapter:

Jealous- Labrinth

Take Me Home- Ingrid Michaelson

"Harry," Louis sighed as he and Harry sat cross legged on Louis' bedroom floor, "You can't just come out as gay the first day of middle school!"

Tears pooled up in the twelve year old's eyes. "Well why not?" He asked, full of innocence and hurt.

"Because.. because you'll get teased. WE'LL get teased for it!" Louis exclaimed, exasperated.

"Well.. it's who I am Lou. I can't just keep it a secret! I don't want to hide myself." Harry replied, a tear slipping down his cheek.

"Well if you can't... then I guess we can't hang out anymore." Louis replied, crossing his arms. He was sure Harry would change his mind, especially if their friendship was on the line.

But it didn't. "I guess so..." Harry whispered in response, standing up.

"Fine then." Louis muttered angrily, as Harry left the room. He'd half expected Harry to come back in a few days, he'd realize what a mistake coming out would be and everything would go back to normal.

He never came back though.

The incident played through Harry's mind as he lay there in his hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling. They hadn't talked since that day.

Harry watched from the sidelines for years as Louis' circle of friends grew. He became popular, and was constantly surrounded by people. Harry was pretty sure Louis didn't even know what loneliness felt like.

Harry though, Harry knew all about loneliness. He'd always struggled a bit socially, and Louis had been his only friend growing up. When he told him he was gay, Louis didn't care at all. He still loved Harry, but it was the pressure that got to him. Harry remembered Louis begging him, and pleading him to keep it a secret, and he couldn't blame him. He was scared too, he wasn't dumb. He knew they'd both be teased if Harry came out. But Harry wasn't going to let that stop him.

Louis did though.

It hurt Harry, it cut him to the core. It was hard for him to watch the best friend, who he'd been in love with even, go on with his life as if he never existed. Louis wouldn't even cast him a smile when they passed in the halls. Nothing. He just acted like he didn't know him.

Honestly though, he just wanted Louis to be happy, and he always reminded himself that he shouldn't let himself be miserable over Louis' happiness. Or jealous of his life and circle of friends. Harry just wanted the best for the only friend he'd ever had. So he just watched Louis from afar, celebrating his successes, crying over his heartbreaks. All of it.

And here Louis was, all of a sudden, trying to step back into his life. That's what Harry had wanted all along. But now? Now he didn't think he could bear to let him in. He'd ignored him for so long, and Harry had changed so much.

He didn't want Louis to know the version of himself he'd become. He brushed his thumb across his thigh gently, knowing underneath the hospital gown it was covered in scars. Some old, some fresh.

He definitely didn't want Louis knowing about that. Or about his breakdowns. Or his horrible anxiety that caused him to nibble his nails down to stubs. None of it. Louis could know the old him, but now his new self. Never.

"Harry?" His doctor poked his head into the room. "Can I have a chat with you?"

Harry sighed, and glanced up. "Yeah, sure."

"It's about your family." The doctor said somberly. Harry kind of expected what he was going to say next, based on the fact that none of his family had visited him at all over the past few hours. But, he hoped his suspicions were wrong.

"Oh.. uh what about them?" He asked quietly, avoiding eye contact. He was scared, really scared.

"I don't really know how to tell you this, but unfortunately, they passed away in the accident." He explained calmly.

Harry's world came crashing down. He'd kind of expected it, but it didn't make it hurt any less. "All of them?" He squeaked, trying to find his voice, which felt like it was hidden deep in his heart, the only problem was his heart had sunk to the pit of his stomach.

"Unfortunately so, yes." The doctor replied.

Tears sprung to Harry's eyes. What now? What was he going to do? Where would he go?

He thought of Gemma. How they'd stay up late and gossip about cute boys at night. The way they'd paint each other's nails. The pillow fights. Eating those garbage burritos that you keep in your freezer while watching Friends after a bad day. Who would do that with him now?

And his dad, who supported him no matter what. They'd play guitar together for hours on the weekends. Play footie in the backyard, even if Harry was no good at it- it was still fun. He thought of how they'd watch horror movies together when the girls were out, and end up scaring themselves shitless. And now, he was really gone forever?

He thought of his mum. The sweetest woman on the planet, hands down. He thought about the warm chocolate chip cookies she made every Friday after school. The way she'd always know what he was thinking before he'd even open his mouth. How she would braid his hair when he was sick. And he just had no mum now?

"I..." He cleared his throat a little trying to think of what would happen. The doctor was explaining the foster care system he'd be put into, and the details behind it all, but Harry wasn't listening. All he could think about were the nights he spent watching TV with his family, the Christmases, their holiday to Paris, the family barbeques. And all he could keep thinking was the same question over and over.

What now?

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