June 1945

Carmen was sitting at the kitchen table across from Rose. Carmen looked pretty. Her hair was rolled in victory curls and she had on pale peach make up. The day outside was bursting with springtime and Carmen was sitting with her back to the window. The light coming in through the kitchen window made her seem so alive. Rose was jealous.

Carmen twisted her wedding band and smiles at Rose. "You've to get back to your old life, Rosie. Everyone misses you at the garden club."

Rose felt sick again. The weight that had been with her since she first found out she was ill had never left. Now it had become even heavier than before. Almost every night she woke and her sheets were soaked with sweat. She was afraid to feel for any lumps or tell anyone. She didn't have the energy for anything. Lately, Rose had been thinking about her life. If it had made any difference at all, if there would be any evidence of her existence. Other than Henry, what was there? She's also been thinking that she wanted things in order. To prepare.

Rose fiddled with her gold and jade bracelet, then she smiled at Carmen.

Carmen was trying to convince Rose that she wasn't sick anymore. That she had a choice, "You don't have to chair the meetings. I am sure that they would understand if you just attended. Slowly got back into it..."

"I don't want to Carmen. I can't." Rose finally said.

"But why?"

"I want to do other things right now." Rose couldn't explain that she didn't want to continue on with building a life. She didn't want to till more soil, plant seeds that she would never see grow. She wanted to see if her life had meaning. To think about it and understand, if she had left an impression anywhere. If there was any reason for her having been here. Yes, maybe it was Henry, or the little life she had in her home in Sellwood. It had seemed so full and overwhelming. Just trudging through her days. Looking back at it, as the sum of her, it seemed small, insignificant.

Rose coughed and when she did it was a deep cough that didn't want to stop. She looked up at Carmen. "I'm sick again," she finally said.

Carmen frowned and when she did she looked like a little girl. Rose remembered her as a little girl. Sitting in the garden with Rose, laughing.

"You look like you did when you were little." Rose said to her. Then Rose remembered being in the back garden. "Do you remember when we played under those enormous forsythia bushes?" Rose tried to remember what had happened to the three large bushes that had formed a fragrant yellow cave in the back, when the gardens were her mothers. When were they torn out? They had been replaced with hydrangeas that were still there. Rose stared into the past. Where did the forsythia go?

Carmen looked at Rose but didn't say anything. Carmen glanced down at the table cloth. Her eyes followed the pattern of pale daisies across the border. Rose could tell that Carmen thought that she was choosing this existence. That she feared of returning to the real world. That she has chosen this way of life.

"What is it?" Rose asked her.

"Why did you say that?" Carmen seemed angry.

"What did I say?

"That you're sick again? Why did you say that, Rose?"

Rose felt that Carmen was upset with her. She and Carmen almost never fought. Bickered yes, but never fought.

Carmen was looking at her, still frowning, "why don't you try? Try to get back on your feet?"

Rose looked down at her tea cup. She picked up a spoon and stirred the liquid.

Carmen continued,"I just don't' know why you never even tried. You stayed here and you only spent time with that married man. Why didn't you try to come back into your old life?"

Rose felt angry, "Don't judge me, Carmen. I didn't do this to myself."

"You did with Ed O'Neil."

"What are you talking about? You don't know anything about it."

"You never tell me anything." Carmen let out an angry breath and glared down at the table. She looked like she was going to pick up her spoon and throw it at Rose.

"You don't know anything, "Rose said and she started to cry.

When Carmen looked up her frown started to change. Her lip started to quiver and her eyes filled with tears. She closed her eyes and squeezed her eyes shut but she couldn't hold back the tears. Finally, she let out a large breath and when she did the tears rolled down her face. She closed her eyes again and she let out little hurt breaths. She looked up at Rose. She put her hand to her mouth and pushed hard. "I'm sorry," she said, "I'm sorry for what I said." She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her eyes. "I guess I'm jealous," she said, regaining her composure. I wish that right now you wanted to be with me, not him."

"I do want to be with you," Rose said. "You're my best friend."

"Can I ask you something, Rose?"

Rose nodded.

"If you weren't sick, would you have done it? I am sorry to ask, but I just don't understand what you are doing."

Rose had thought about that question often. The answer rose in her and surfaced many times, but she didn't want to pay attention to it. Because it was a contradiction. How could she love someone so deeply, but know that she really wouldn't have given up everything for him. She wouldn't have sacrificed her life and the respect of her community for him.

Then her mind returned to those days in the garden with Ed, just a year ago. She realized that she didn't know she was sick then and she did it anyway. At once, she felt a kind of shame because ever since she's been sick, she has been telling herself that she needed Ed. That her sickness was the excuse. That she wasn't the kind of person to do something like that, when really she was. She looked at Carmen. "I really do love him," she said.

"I know you do," Carmen conceded.

"He's not bad," she said to Carmen. "Please don't think that he has taken advantage of me."

Carmen bit her lip and looked out of the window. She didn't say anything. Finally, she said, "Rose you are so pretty and nice. Why did he come after you the way he did? You were so sad about Nick. You had just lost your husband. Now he's back when you're so sick."

Rose looked around the room. She thought about how he'd been taking care of her since she'd been sick. What a friend he had been to her. "I don't know why. I think he...I don't know. But, I know that he is not a bad person and I love him. I really do." Rose reached across the table and touched Carmen's arm. Carmen looked back at her, "Carmen, let's not talk about Ed. Listen, I want you to have some things."

Carmen raised her eyebrows, "what things?"

"Would you like some of my dresses, and clothes? I don't wear most of them any more. I have some jewelry that my mother left with me."

Carmen looked down, "what do you want me to do, Rose? I want to tell you to get better. Is that what you want me to do? Or, do you want me to do this with you? I don't know what to do." Carmen's eyes filled again.

Rose looked at Carmen closely. "No. I want you to help me get things in order. If something should change for the better, then that would be wonderful. But, I don't think it will."

"I love your things. If you want me to have them, I would treasure them." She was crying and put her hands over her eyes.

"And, I know I don't have to ask, but make sure that Henry is happy. I have talked to Lilly about all of the things I want for him and she and I have discussed what I think is important for him to know. But, I want you to look out for him. Love him and watch over him as he gets older." Rose started to cry because this was the part that was hurting so much. This longing to stay for Henry. To comfort him when he loses her. She didn't want to let go of this thing that they hold on to together. She didn't want to let go and have him drift off, alone into a place that will scare him. She wanted to be there to protect him.

Carmen smiled. "Of course I will, Rosie.."

"I want to tell you something else." Rose said to her, "I asked Ed to have my house. He doesn't want it, but I want him to have it. To take care of the garden. I want you to be nice to them. To make things better for them. Be nice to him and Margaret. Extra nice. Will you do that for me?"

Carmen stared at her for a moment in disbelief. Then she smiled. "Oh Geeze..." Carmen couldn't help but say and for some reason they both smiled at her reaction. Then, the idea rolled around between them and they couldn't help themselves they broke out in laughter. Rose held her stomach, she started laughing so hard that tears came to her eyes.

"Why are we laughing?" Carmen finally choked out. "That's the last thing we should be doing Rose."

Rose shook her head and put her hand to her mouth, "I don't know. Its just so funny, the way you said it."