March, 1945

Rose did not like the newsreels of the war. She was sitting with Ed in the Moreland theater. He sat on her left so that he could hold her hand. They had seen each other every Monday since Christmas. This was their arrangement. There was no talk of romance or his marriage. There was just friendship; roots had grown now mature and strong.

She watched the scenes of bloodshed and gunfire on the large screen as the marching music started up. The words came on the screen,"Manilla Free of Japanese Domination." She looked at Ed, he squeezed her hand a little and looked back at the movie. The city of Manila looked different than Portland, of course. It looks like it is located in a jungle, and large areas had been cleared and rectangular three story buildings have been erected. Enormous clouds of smoke engulfed the city. And, Rose watched as tanks move across the screen. The sound of gunfire and bombs exploding filled the theater. She saw the soldiers, black silhouettes against the gray smoke. She thought –always she thought this—that Nick was among them. She knew that he was not, but she had the urge to call out to him. She always thought if she looked close enough, she'd recognize his face amongst the men. But, these reels were taken long after Nick had died. Rose knew that. Rose watched as bridges over a river were being blown up. The artillery fire continued. Rose could feel her head pounding. The narrator says "the last of the Japs are being driven out, forced out and they take hold in their final hiding places." And, for some reason Rose pictured Dr. Higgins. She remembered him saying "we have to eradicate the enemy." She thought about it a moment. Did he say enemy? Or did he say cancer? Either way, she thought of what was happening in her body as a war. She saw the scarred buildings of Manilla, the men trying to drive out the Japanese soldiers. She hated what had happened to her, she hated the war. But what choice was there? She thought. The newsreel went on and on and then, finally the screen went black and the main feature started.

Later, when they were driving back to Lilly's Rose said to Ed, "its difficult to see all that fighting."

"What fighting?" Ed asked. Rose could tell he was still thinking about the movie, Spellbound.

"The newsreels."

"Yes." He said. Then, "It didn't take long for America to become a massive war machine. It's the start of frightening trajectory--"

"I don't know what that means." Rose interrupted.

"What means?" he asked tenderly.

"Any of it. I don't understand what you just said." Rose was starting to feel uncomfortable with the conversation. She didn't know what Ed's words meant, but she picked up on a sentiment that she didn't share.

"I just mean that it is quite a phenomenon that a whole country can dedicate all of its energy to military might—in almost no time at all. The whole fabric of our society has been transformed into a war machine."

"Its patriotism. What were we supposed to do? Just sit here and let everything get destroyed?"

He started to say something then bit his lip. He looked at Rose. The road was dark and the headlights created a yellow tunnel of light. Ed pulled into Lilly's driveway and turned off the engine.

"I'm not saying that Rose." He turned to her, "I know your husband was—"

"Its not just that. There was nothing else we could have done."

"There are other ways to achieve democracy and freedom other than war."

"Like what, for example?" Rose could feel herself growing angry.

"I don't want to fight with you, love. This is a very sensitive subject."

"Sensitive subject?" She raised her eye brows and looked at him in shock."I had no idea that you felt this way."

"Well, now you do." He said.

"You think that America should just let the nazi's take over the world? I saw an article in the paper about what they are did to people in Poland and Germany. Now they are in Italy. They are all over Europe. There was a woman speaking who had escaped. It was horrible."

Ed didn't say anything.

"We can't let people be treated that way..."

He said, "what about the Japanese Americans? What about taking homes from children and their families. Do you know what America's doing to them? What's so different"

She opened her eyes wider. She couldn't believe the things Ed was saying. "Japan attacked America!"

Ed looked down. "Look. I don't know what to say about the atrocities. I don't suppose once things got so out of control, that we had any choice, but there were other choices along the way..."

"You have to stop things long before they get out of control, Ed."

He smiled at her for a moment then rubbed his palm over the steering wheel. They remained quiet in the cold car for a moment. Then he said, "Rose what are we talking about? So we have different ideas.Things are a lot more complex than they look. We both know that."

Rose looked out of the window at the rain. The sky was dark and dreary and cold. Rose was sick of the cold weather. It was hard to feel healthy when the weather was so damp and chilly.

"You think I don't understand complex situations?" Rose asked. Her voice took on the deliberately slow pace she always had when she got angry.

Ed started to laugh a little. "Well, love I wouldn't say that you're an expert on foreign policy, or politics."

To Rose, his comment didn't help the situation. It just fueled her. "Why wouldn't you?" Rose was angry. She couldn't believe that there was this side to Ed. So arrogant. Yes. She could. She knew that there were many sides to him that she didn't know. In fact, she only had saw one beam that passed through his prism of personalities. She clenched her teeth a little and glared at him.

"What?" he asked, "Am I wrong? Are you a foreign policy expert? Do you read anything other than the Bee, maybe the Oregonian?"

"You are insulting me, Ed. I may not have traveled or read whatever you're referring to, but my husband died in the war. He gave his life for my freedom and yours."

He was still smiling at her.

She continued, "Nick went and tried to help the war effort. That's a lot more than I can say for you!"
His smile faded and stared at her for a minute. She knew that he understood the meaning of her insult.

"Why are you so angry at me?" he finally asked almost inaudibly.

"I'm sorry,." She said quietly. "I'm sorry that I said that."

"You know, Rose. it doesn't bother me that you have whatever opinions that you have formed of me. You don't know the first thing—actually, you don't know anything about me. You don't know why I didn't go to Europe. You don't know how I came to my opinions—or even what my opinions are. You have not idea who I am. And, in the future, don't compare me to your husband. Ever."

Rose felt so deeply hurt by what he said, but she didn't know why. She didn't want to fight with him any more. She felt embarrassed. It was true, how could she say that to him about going to war? She didn't know anything about him. Suddenly she felt alone and naked. The car felt cold inside and she turned to him.

"I'm sorry for what I said."

"It's true. We don't know each other." he said coldly.

She looked at him for a minute and tried to connect with him. She didn't want him angry with her. "all right," she finally said. "I should go."

"OK," he said and his voice was so faint, you almost couldn't hear it. He turned the ignition key and started the car.

She turned to him again and bit her lip. She felt like she was going to cry. "I'm very sorry, Ed. Don't stay angry with me" she pleaded.

He just stared at her for a moment. He put the car into gear and then looked at her waiting for her to get out of the car.

She wanted to ask him if he would come back next week, but she didn't. She was afraid of what he would say when he was like this. She opened the door and stepped out of the car. She shut the door slowly and stared at him through the passenger side window. He looked back at her for a moment then backed out of the driveway. She stood in the rain watching his car until his tail lights were absorbed into the darkness down the road.

***

"I'm going to wait outside for Ed today," Rose said to Lilly.

"It's cold out there, Rosie. Why are you going to do that?"

Rose paused and bit her lip. She was afraid that Ed wouldn't come. She couldn't just sit at the breakfast table and wait here with Lilly. The clock would be amplified and each time the second hand ticked Rose would feel a scratching in her chest. A yearning, a fear.

"We had a fight," Rose said. "I don't even know if he's coming."

"What did you fight about?" Lilly walked over to Rose. "Can I help you with your hair Rosie?" The clips were crooked. Rose couldn't get them adjusted on her own. Rose nodded and Lilly took the clips out and pulled Rose's hair back to one side.

"What happened?"

"I got angry. I said some mean things."

"Something must have gotten you angry."

"The war. His opinions."

"Everyone has opinions."

"Yes, but he implied that –I don't exactly know what he implied. He also acted like I don't understand the whole situation."

"Nobody understands the whole situation. Does he think he does?"

"More than I do. But, I was upset because of Nick." Rose wanted to tell her more then she realized that she didn't want Lilly to dislike Ed even more than she did already. Just then there was a knock on the door.

"See here he is." She touched Rose's cheek. "You look very beautiful today."

Inside the car, Ed smiled at her and it was awkward. She felt nervous because between them was this fight they'd had. Something must be traversed to get back to normal. But, she wasn't sure what it was. She is wearing the ear rings that he bought for her and her hair is clipped back in pins on the sides. She had on a brown dress with a pink yolk collar. The top fell just under her neck. There was a blue ribbon around the seam of the neck with a small bow. The dress was straight with a full brown bottom. There was the same pink fabric hem and blue ribbon. She had on brown heels. She was also wearing tan cardigan sweater and a dark beige calf length wool coat. She bought this dress on Saturday with her own ration coupons. She'd looked forward to wearing it when she saw Ed that Monday.

They both remained silent for a moment. Finally Rose said, "I'm sorry about the things I said last week. I don't know why I said those things."

He gazed into her eyes for a moment, then he looked away. Rose could tell that he was catching himself, not allowing the romantic feelings to surface. He looked at her again and squinted for a second, "you're wearing the earrings I got you."

"I love them," she said.

"They look pretty with your dress." Rose knew that the coral on the earrings was almost identical to the pinkish yolk on the dress.

"Your hair is pretty like that too. You look like the old Rose."

She felt a stirring in her stomach. She always felt that way with him when they were alone together in that sort of circumstance. There was some kind of invisible cloud that surrounded them and if she were to step out of it for a moment, that none of it would make any sense. Maybe it was the clandestine nature of the relationship—her mind shot to Margaret. She didn't think about Margaret much, she didn't let herself because the moment she pictured the slight young woman—almost a girl really—then the romantic cloud dispersed and it was an ugly stark light.

"Why have you turned so serious?" he asked.

Her eyes opened wide. "Should we go?" she asked. "Lilly will wonder why we are sitting in the driveway." Rose looked back at the house, she could see the tall paned windows of the living room, but Lilly was nowhere in sight.

"I have something for you, " he said softly.

He held out a navy blue box with a thin white ribbon.

She felt her heart rise with excitement. "What is it?"

He turned his head to one side and raised his eye brows. He moved the box closer to her. She reached with her left hand and took it. She was able to place it in her right hand and pull the ribbon loose. She looked up at him smiling.

"What is it?"

"Open it," he said to her. She struggled a little with her right hand. He reached over and pried the top of the box open. Inside was a gold bracelet with small round jade and gold coins. The coins were imprinted with Chinese characters. The bracelet was delicate. Between each coin it was linked with bands of gold. Rose knew it was a very expensive gift.

She looked at him. "You can't afford this." She realized that when she said that, it was something she would have said to Nick.

"You don't know what I can afford, Rose." Ed said.

She felt herself blush. It was almost as if he could read her mind. Nick couldn't have afforded something like that. Not as a teacher starting out. Why could Ed afford it as an artist?

"Do you like it?"

She nodded, but couldn't take her eyes off of the bracelet. She felt almost sick about it. Almost scared of it. "Yes," she said, "but I can't accept this."

He removed the bracelet from box and unlatched it. "Give me your arm," he said. "Don't be foolish. I want you to have it."

She held up her left arm and he carefully attached it to her wrist.

"This is too nice to wear every day." She said, but she still couldn't take her eyes off of it. "We're going over to the houseto work in the garden, aren't we? Maybe I should put it back in the box for now"

"No, Rose," he said to her, "I want you to wear it all of the time."

"Thank you," she said. She felt breathless, almost exhausted from the implications of this gift. She looked up at him and stared into his eyes for a long moment. She had the desire to put her arms around him, to kiss him and feel his skin next to hers. He was staring at her too. She looked down and admired the bracelet. She smiled at him. Finally she accepted the gift and appreciated it. She could feel desire flowing through her and she had to close her eyes to stop it.

"Thank you," she said to him again.

"You're welcome." He said, "its lovely on you."

She wished the moment were lighter, so she could joke about his romantic ways. But, she couldn't. Without intention she lifted her hand and reached for his. "I love it." She squeezed his hand affectionately. He turned and looked out of the car window.

"We'd better go," he said.

She nodded and pulled away. When she did the bracelet clinked a little. "It makes a lovely sound," she said.

He smiled at her and backed out of the driveway. Then, he stopped the car and looked at her. "I'm sorry for the things I said to you, Rose. The way I left the last time I saw you."

"Its all right."

"No its not. I shouldn't act like that. Especially towards you."

"It seems as if we act that way to each other too often."

"Why do we do that to each other, Rose?" he asked her.

Rose knew why they did it. Rose knew that if Carmen were here –if it were a different situation-- she'd say "oh stop, you do it because you're madly in love with each other." Rose felt herself blush and smile a little. He leaned closer to her.

"What?" he asked. His manner was light. "What were you just thinking?"

"I can't say it," she said, but she wanted to say it.

"Well then I won't pry," he said matter of factly. "But I know why we do it."

"Why," she whispered, thinking that he could read her mind.

"Because..." He started. He shook his head and looked out of the windshield, "we are really horrible people, Rose. We love cruelty. We're addicted to it."

She knew he was joking with her.

He bit his lip as he turned the corner. Then, he said almost to himself, "truly despicable. Its really that simple."

"Do you really think so?" she asked feigning seriousness, "I mean I've done so much charity work in my life."

He looked at her also feigning seriousness, "That makes it all the worse. To be such an impostor. No. We are the worst kind. I'm certain of it."

She couldn't help but laugh, I suppose you're right."

And, then things were back to normal.

He pulled on to Sellwood boulevard and drove past the bluff. She stared down at her bracelet. She loved it. She loved examining the coins, the way the gold and jade complimented each other. It was something a film star would wear she thought. She couldn't imagine how much it had cost. She felt so overjoyed. And, she imagined him picking it out just for her.

When they got to Miller, the rain had subsided, but it was still damp and cold out. The sky was gray. "Its too cold to garden today," Ed said to her. He opened the car door and got out. He walked over to her side and opened her door and helped her out of the car. "Its too cold. Why don't we go inside and light a fire. We can have some tea and you can tell me about the books you've been reading."

'You don't like any of the books I read."

He raised his eyebrow and cleared his throat, "tell me anyway."

"No" she said, "I want to at least deal with the fruit trees. And we have to remove the winter mulch."

"You look so nice," He said to her.

She walked towards the front porch. "so I'll change into my gardening clothes."

"Rose," he insisted, He was still standing by the car, under the birch. "I don't want you to catch cold."

"I'm feeling better today." She unlocked the door and opened it t to the house. The house smelled closed up. Everything looked dusty. Rose had a sinking feeling that the house needed her. She hadn't done much of anything to it. In all these weeks, she'd only spent time in the garden.

"Come on in Ed!" she called out to him.

He walked up the porch and into the front door.

"This house needs a lot of work," she said. "Maybe I should work on the house today. You could relax while I do. I'll make you something to eat and you can do what you want while I take care of things."

"Why over do it?" he asked.

"I need to stop living this life of leisure," she said. The truth was she was euphoric over having so much energy. She felt a hope rise in her that she may get better, that she may come back to life.

"Why don't I make you some tea and find something for you to eat—" she asked.

"I'm not hungry Rose. I don't want you to tire yourself."

She stopped and stared at him a minute. "As much as you say that I don't know you. You don't know me. I'm not a sickly person."

'I didn't say—"

"In fact, before all of this happened I had a very busy life."

"Believe me, I knew you then. I know all that you did." He walked over to her, "but I want you to myself." He said. He sounded like a child. "At least on Mondays."

She let out a heavy breath. "Why don't we have some tea and then we'll go out in the garden. We'll make a list of all we need to do. If we still feel like it, we'll get started on the list. If not at least we'll have gotten that accomplished."

He conceded. "I'm going to be a master gardener by the time you are done with me."

She smiled. "Good."

She had changed into cotton pants and a heavy old sweater. One of Nicks. She pulled her hair back with a scarf. She wore the bracelet, but worried about it. When she walked back down the stairs she felt herself growing winded. She felt her body grow hot and sweaty. But, she didn't want to admit it to herself and she didn't want to let on that she didn't have the stamina that she had thought she did.

"Where did you get that sweater?" he asked her as she came down the stairs.

"I always wear it gardening—it was Nick's."

He looked up at her for a moment. His expression turned cold. "I'll meet you outside," He said and turned and walked outside into the back yard.

Rose felt her heart sink. Lately any mention of Nick and Ed would turn silent or angry. Rose thought about it. She wouldn't like to hear about Margaret. Still, it was different, somehow.

Ed was sitting on the stone bench by the arbor. She walked over to him next to him.

A cool breeze rushed past and a light rain started. He wasn't angry at all, Rose thought.

It was very cold outside. It was probably was foolish to get started. Before the weather turned warm, there would be a handful of sunny days that would be more appropriate.

"Do you know what I wish?" Ed said. "I wish it was that day in the garden all over again. The day I cut your hair."

She smiled at him. She loved that memory too.

"I went to my studio the right after, I drew a picture of you. That day we had the fight. I was so angry with you, but then as I started to sketch, I remembered every line of your face. Your body." He closed his eyes for a moment. "When I drew a line, the curve of your nose, your cheek. I would put my pencil down and I would trace the lines with my finger. I felt as if I were touching you all over again. Then, from that sketch I did a painting. I spent a long time on it, Rose. I was with you the whole time I worked on it."

He had given her so many things that day. Almost too much. "Can I see the picture?" she asked.

"I've brought it so many times," he admitted. The night at Lilly's house. I had it with me. But, I was afraid to give it to you after what happened.

"What happened?" she asked.

He looked down, "after your operation."

Rose felt sick to her stomach. She turned away from him and walked over to the fruit trees. She didn't want to discuss it or think about it any more.

He stood up and followed her.

She was looking up into the pear tree. It was amazing how much the branches had grown since the spring before. "Oh my" she said with no emotion at all. "How did this get to be such a mess." She said this to herself. Then, she looked at Ed. "Did you get a pen and paper for the list?"

"Rose," he said, "stop."

She turned to him. The light rain made her face look moist and her hair curl up.

"The picture of you...its a nude."

She felt herself turn flush. She felt her face grow hot.

"I never posed nude for you." She said to him.

"I know. But after we made love. After I touched you, I remembered. I know your body.The picture is beautiful," he said. "But I thought it may hurt you."

Rose grew quiet. She contemplated this. She had no evidence, almost no recollection of what her body had been like before the cancer. Before she lost everything.

"Do you have it with you?" She put her hand to her forehead as if she had a headache. She rubbed gently with her fingers.

He nodded, "In the car."

She paused for a moment and looked down at the ground. She absentmindedly pushed at the dried leaves with her foot. "Does it look like me?"

"Yes, Rose. It looks exactly like you did."

She looked up slowly and her eyes filled. "Can I have it?"

He nodded slowly. "Of course."

"Will you get it now?"

While Ed went out front to the car, Rose felt an elation. She felt excited that there was some proof of her beauty. She realized that she had no memory of her body anymore. She knew she hated what it had become.

The yard was quiet and it was no day for being outdoors. Everything looked trampled. She had neglected the flower beds, the fruit trees, the grape vines. All the flowering plants were dry and rotting. They had grown tall over the summer, then leggy in the fall. All of it needed to be pulled, cut back. She needed to work fertilizer into the soil. The fruit trees needed to be pruned and the grape vines shaped and cut back. She needed to divide the perennials and replant them. And, Rose really needed to be sewing the seeds for spring and summer.

She heard Ed's footsteps as he walked across the pebble path. It crunched under his feet. He had his portfolio under his arm. He ducked under a branch from the cherry tree by the garden gate.

He stood for a moment, "why don't we go inside?" he asked. "its wet out here.

She stood up and followed him into the back door. When they got inside, she sat down at the table. He stood next to her and untied the portfolio. He pulled a piece of canvas from the bag. It was about 11 by 20 inches. It was heavy with paint. As he removed it, she could see that it had deep greens, blurred flowers. And to the side, she saw the flesh colored figure. She could feel her heart beating faster as he laid it on the table in front of her. She stared at it without looking away. It was her, sitting relaxed, naked in the garden. Her hair was long and it was back behind her shoulders. The dark, almost black waves contrasted against her pale flesh. Her eyes were closed and her head is bend down in a peaceful repose. Both shoulders were small and round. She took a breath before she let her eyes trace further down, towards her breast. There was the flesh and muscle where it was supposed to be. She felt a pang: how much she had presumed was safe about her life? Her own flesh was the last thing she would have imagined ravaged. She could never have predicted what would be taken from her. Her eyes looked at the breasts. She started to reach to touch the picture, but kept her hand in her lap. She pursed her lip and took a deep breath in. She held it. Holding her breath she looked at the whole of her, who she had been. When she let a breath out, she could feel herself crying. She wanted to go back to Lilly's house.

"Can you take me home?" she whispered.

She didn't want to look at Ed for some reason.

"Are you angry with me?" he asked.

"No. I'm really not," she said, "I'm just so tired. I just want to go home and go to sleep."