1944 - September

Lilly, Rose and Daniel sat in Dr. Higgins office at the University Hospital on the top of the hill down town. The window overlooking the river let in a gray, dreary light. Dr. Higgins sat behind a large wooden desk and his office, although spacious, seemed cramped with books and shelves and papers. A fern sat on the window sill and Rose noticed how sickly it looked. It was struggling to survive. She had the urge to water it, cut back its drying leaves, gently work the soil.

"When we put you to sleep, we'll test for cancer. If there's a problem we'll get it right away. If not, we'll just close you up." Dr. Higgins explained from across the desk.

Rose stayed stuck on his phrase, "close you up." Yes. That was what she hoped for. A little scar, not even the size of a sewing needle. On her right—on her right side. She could have that. A small scar. Yes, she thought, go in then close me up.

"What will you do, if it is a problem. My mother was sick with cancer." She said. She was asking so many things. She wasn't asking anything. What she really wondered was 'if I had not gone to Dr. Worth, would this be happening?' She hated herself. She hated her body for growing these lumps. For being so achy and tired. How could she be so weak?

Dr. Higgins looked at her. He had stacks of books behind him. But she didn't care what he had read. What was he going to do to her? "We have to treat this like a war. Cancer is the enemy. We have to irradicate the enemy." One of his eyes seemed off center, not crossed but almost.

"So you think it is cancer?" Daniel spoke up.

"I think it needs to be investigated," but Dr. Higgins was nodding his head. Rose found this unsettling.

But he never really told her what would happen if it were cancer. What would the surgery be like? She wouldn't be awake to find out. It all depended on what they found when they did the biopsy. Inside of the cold, operating room, they would cut her flesh and they would take some of the lump. Quickly they would determine what was next. It sent a icy, shock through her body. Her arms went numb.

He had raised his eyebrows and lifted his glasses. "I know its frighening, Rosie, but we have to attack it right then and there."

She didn't like him calling her Rosie. It made her feel like a child. "But what will happen?" she asked again. "If its cancer?"

He raised his eye brows and pursed his lips. "I just explained it to you."

Daniel sat forward and leaned into the desk. He looked like he was from the country sitting across from the well dressed doctor. Rose thought of Pa Joad. She thought of Nick reading The Grapes of Wrath to her. Daniel seemed like Pa Joad compared to Dr.Higgins. Rose was happy to have him with her. Daniel asked in a stern tone, "Doctor, what Rose is trying to ask you is: if it is cancer, what will you do? What kind of operation will you do?"

Dr. Higgins looked at Daniel for a long moment. "I don't think we need to cause anxiety for no reason. We need to take it one step at a time. But, I will say that if the biopsy shows malignancy, then we need to remove all of the cancer before its too late."

Lilly put her hand on Rose's hands. "We're going to be with you Rosie." She said to her.

***

The surgery was scheduled for the next day. Laying in the hospital room, Rose looked at Lilly. Time stopped and Rose was frozen. She was a frozen entity while everything around her was moving quickly. Lilly had her hand on Rose's and her mouth was moving. She was saying something but Rose couldn't keep focused on her, as her mouth moved, the words were jumbled, liquid. She some how made out "It is the sign medicine." It's the medicine. "it's the medicine." Rose turned her head to one side and she was almost asleep. But, then she was looking at the lights above her. They looked as if they were underwater. They were blurred and distorted and they were expanding and contracting.

"But what will happen?" she had asked, and she was muttering now in her half-sleep.

Lilly leaned close to her face. She kissed her on the cheek. "Whatever happens you'll be fine, my darling. You are my sweet, Rosie. I love you." Sweet Rosie, Rose felt a warmth well up inside of her and it wasn't the exact moment, but it was the same as some moment suspended in the past with Nick across the kitchen table and Rose smiling at Lilly. Lilly's hand on Nick's shoulders. "She's so pretty" she had whispered loud enough for Rose to hear. Rose felt safe, wrapped in a warm blanket. She closed her eyes.

Then cot started moving. It was on wheels. Rose opened her eyes again. She was moving down a hallway, painted a pale yellow. The lights that hung above were yellow too. Everything had a buttery hue. She looked next to her and Lilly was somehow gone. A nurse in a white dress and a stiff tall hat was pulling the cot. Her hand on a rail at the bottom of the bed. Staring straight ahead towards two white doors. Had she said goodbye?

"Where's Lilly?" she whispered, but no one was there to answer her. "Where's Lilly? She thought she had shouted, but in an instant she heard a bang, the two doors swung open. Rose saw a flash of metal cabinets. She saw a needle, a single light bulb and then the world went dark.

She was awake but she couldn't open her eyes. Or if her eyes were open, everything was black. No she was in a dream. She could hear. Her hearing was loud and crisp. She said something about "moving it to one side." No that wasn't her own voice. It was someone else talking around her. There was something being said about the water pitcher. She listened carefully. It was unimportant. "Change the water, then leave it on the tray." It was still heavy darkness. She started to breath and a knife was piercing through her ribs. It pierced from her shoulder blade down to her naval. It was burning, on fire. She thought that she was yelling "take it out!" But the world went dark again.

She opened her eyes and she was underwater. She could see the light from the window enter the room. It must have been raining because the light was gray and some kind of wind was humming softly "shhhhhhh." Her lips were parched. She looked back at the window and saw the radiator grate. She wished the heat would come on, she was freezing cold. She couldn't move her body. She didn't know where she was. Finally, She heard tapping on the floor. It was footsteps on the tile. A hand touched her left hand.

Then, Lilly's face was close to hers. She was very near and her eyes examined Rose. Rose could see that Lilly had tears welling up in her eyes. Rose watched the pools form in her lower lids. The tears dropped, hit her face. Lilly's hand wiped it off, "I'm sorry Rosie," Lilly said. There was a heavy weight pulling on her and she felt so dreamily tired. Things were dark again.

Rose woke again. It was blackness. It must have been night time. She opened her eyes. The curtain moved a little in the draft. The heat must be have been running. It was not so cold. Her eyes adjusted to the light and she saw that there were bulbs burning outside of the window. Her mouth was dry. Her right arm was on fire. It was stinging and burning hot. She heard a voice. It was a man.

"Rose," he said, "you are beautiful." Then she could see the vines behind him.

"Oh," she said, "we're in the garden."

"So pretty." She thought it was Ed's voice. A light filled the room. It made everything look bright like a picture overexposed. Or a movie screen when the film gets stuck, slowly burns and melts away into the stark whiteness of the screen. The image gone.

"I'm sorry," the voice said. But, he wouldn't show his face. He was in outside of the white light. He was somewhere else.

The light dimmed, it dimmed slowly all the way back to black. She listened but couldn't hear anything.

"Are you here?" she whispered but all she heard was the low hissing of the radiator "shhhhhhh."

There was a dream. It was in the garden, but the colors were confused. Some colors Rose had never seen before. She noticed the purple mostly, how it wove in and out of her vision. She could hear Nick reading a story to her. His words were projected loudly, coming at her from several directions:

...careless, and clumsy, and untidy. They were incapable of dusting a room or cooking a joint. They were subject to fits of tantrums.

"What is this story Nick? I don't remember?"

She was trying to inspect the honeysuckle, and Nick continued reading "Women had to devote themselves to clearing their path for them and smoothing their way..." and it bellowed across the sky, changing the colors in the garden. Rose felt uneasy, she didn't like the way he was reading to her. It was off balance, eerie.

Then she was on the bench again. Ed was behind her with scissors as he cut, petals fell from the sky like autumn leaves. One landed on her breast. And, Ed reached to brush it off. But, she somehow she couldn't look down at herself. Each time she tried, her head wouldn't move. She was trying to shake her head. And she heard Nick bellow "don't touch her."

Her eyes opened wide. She could hear the rain gently pelting on the widow. She whispered into the night time, "Lilly? Are you here?" She listened, but the room remained silent.