August 1944

The sun was warm and the most of the yards had turned yellow, from the heat. The honeysuckle filled the warm air with sweet fragrance. Rose walked from Miller down 13th to Dr. Worth's office. The curb strips were lined with Roses in full bloom. The scent was at times subtle, and at times overpowering. Any other time, she would have walked slowly and examined a flower here and there, but now she didn't. Her body felt exhausted and swollen. The heat of the day presses down on her as if to beat her into the ground. Some children were playing down Lambert and as she walked by, she could see that they were running in the street, chasing each other with a garden hose. Rose had the desire to douse herself with cold water. To cool off her body which has felt warm and weak for so long. She felt the desire to have the energy of a child again, to run around without notice of the heat. Rose considered what she would be doing if she were well. She'd be in her garden, pulling a hose around to one of the beds and let the water trickle around the peonies so they wouldn't wilt in the heat. She'd be on the ground pulling weeds and gently smoothing the earth around the plants. Henry would be with her and they would spend the whole day in the garden until the shadows grew longer. She'd carry him into the house only to realize it was much later in the day than she'd thought. She'd drop him in the bath while she made dinner. He would chatter on and on. Or, Rose thought maybe they would have dinner at Carmen's. Rose felt a pang of sadness, that she hadn't spent time at their place in so long. She smiled and thought, once this all gets better, I'm going to invest my time with the people who love me.

A fan was running in Dr. Worth's office and his nurse Nellie greeted Rose as she walked in. Rose always thought of Nellie as Dr. Worth's wife. But, of course she wasn't. She was his nurse. But, ever since Rose she was a child, she saw them working together side by side like husband and wife.

"Hello Rose,"

"Oh Hello, Nellie. How are you?" Since things had ended with Ed O'Neil, Rose felt more like herself again. She felt like a respectable housewife, or widow now. She felt she had a place, a position in her neighborhood.

"All right, if this heat wave would pass," Nellie said to her, smiling.

"That's for certain," Rose said. Rose sat down and waited. She could feel the perspiration running down the side of her face. She wiped herself with a handkerchief. Rose thought of Carmen again. She promised herself, once this was all over she would get back into her old way of life. This mess with Ed O'Neil was a good thing, she told herself. Even this pregnancy--if that was true--it wasn't so terrible. It caused things with Ed to end; it had to happen. It would have been difficult for her not go give in to temptation otherwise, but after he'd behaved so cruelly, she hated him.

Dr. Worth looked into her eyes and into her throat. He felt around her neck. "your glands are very swollen," He said. Rose smiled with nervousness. She knew she had to tell him about the possibility of being pregnant. It was uncomfortable because Dr. Worth had known her since she was a child. He'd known Nick, He knew Henry. How would he see her if she mentioned that she may be pregnant? Could he see those afternoons in his imagination. She and Ed moving through her house like teenagers? Would he see Ed tracing the lines of her body. Rose looked back up at him.

"How long have you been sick, Rosie?"

"A few weeks." Rose paused, then, "Dr. Worth. This is awkward, but—"

He had lifted his stethoscope and now put it back down, still holding it in one hand. He raised an eyebrow and looked at her.

"I may be pregnant."

There was a moment of silence. "Well, we'll have you give us a blood sample. I'll ask Nellie to help you with that." His face showed now expression, no judgement, "How far along would you be?"

"Maybe eight weeks."

"Oh,"

He took a deep breath and lifted his stethoscope, "I'm also concerned about your swollen glands. And the nodes in your neck."

Rose nodded.

"I'd like Nellie to come in, and she'll take some blood. I'd also like you to undress and put on a gown and I can check under your arms and around your neck." He opened a cabinet and removed a white hospital gown.

"Ok," Rose said. She was suddenly nervous. He sounded concerned and his tone had changed to serious, monotone. "Is something wrong?"

He looked back up at her. His eyes were bright blue contrasted against his white hair. "I don't think so," he finally said. "I don't think its anything serious. But your glands a lymph nodes are swollen. Some kind of infection, possibly."

He left the room and Rose sat on the examination table. She unbuttoned her dress. It was the green and white dress she had worn with Ed. The neckline was scalloped and she couldn't help but remember his fingers tracing the fabric. It gave her a sick feeling in her stomach. She thought of his words, "I'm not your husband. Do you understand that?" The memory of it still stung.

She unbuttoned the top of the dress and slid it off. She removed her slip and undergarments; and looked down at her body. She slowly slid the hospital gown over her. It hung loosely and she felt self conscious without her dress and brassiere. It seemed like a long time for the doctor to return. She looked around the office at the tongue depressors, cotton balls, cloth towels. There were metal trays with small glass bottles on them with black stoppers.

There was a gentle knock and it startled her for a moment, then the doctor and Nellie came into the room. Nellie smiled at Rose and walked over to her. She put her hand on Rose's back and rubbed gently.

"All right Rosie, lift your arm for me." The doctor methodically pressed down her neck and around her arm. He pressed around her underarm. He stayed in one spot for a moment. His eyes changing expression. "Have you noticed a lump here, Rose?" he asked her. She felt a bolt of fear run through her. She thought of her mother.

"No," Rose said. "I haven't ever—"

He felt down further around her arm pit, then back to the lump. He took a deep breath and seemed to be listening to something as he felt around her.

"I'm going to examine your breast now. All right?"

She nodded but she could feel herself crying. She was afraid. Nellie reached across the counter and handed her a small handkerchief. "here you go dear," then she resumed rubbing Rose's back.

Dr. Worth stopped and looked at her. He lifted his glasses up and when he did, his eyes seemed watery. She could see the folds and wrinkles around his eyes. "These things are usually nothing Rosie. I know your mother had a—it was different with your mother. You are young. How old are you Rose?"

"I'm twenty seven." She said. Wiping her eye and nose. Sniffing.

He smiled at her. "I have never, in all of my years heard of this sort of thing in a woman your age."
Rose looked down. Her mother was younger than her when she became ill. Why would he say that?

"I'm going to examine your breast now and then the other side, all right?"

"It's all right, Rosie," Nellie said to her "Its been a hard time for you, these last two years." Nellie had lost her husband too and Rose knew that. In a way Rose felt that because Nellie was much older, it was almost expected. Rose realized in this moment, that it probably wasn't any easier.

The doctor began examining Rose's breast. Rose felt self conscious and had the urge to pull away, but she didn't. He felt around and looked out into the room, again as if he were listening for something. Again, he lingered in on one spot.

"Can I have you lay back on the table, Rosie?" She lay back down. "and raise your arm."

Rose clenched her teeth slightly and could feel each breath as her ribcage rose and fell. Dr. Worth's fingers found the same spot he had been feeling while she was sitting up. "Have you felt anything on this breast, Rosie?" She shook her head and started crying again.

"There is a lump here too." His hands worked their way around the other side of her body. First at her neck, and then around her breast. "Nothing on this side," he said into the air.

Finally, he removed his hands from her body and he said. "Ok, you can sit up now." Rose sat up and pulled the hospital gown tighter around her body.

"Is this possibly because of a pregnancy" Rose said, her voice was weak, tired. Frightened.

"I don't think so," said the doctor. "But, Rose, I don't know about these things. Not enough to answer your questions. Not in any definitive way." Rose didn't' like how measured his words were. He's been her family doctor since she was a little girl and he had never spoken to her that way.

"I want you to see a specialist. At the University hospital." He turned to Nellie, "go and get the number for Dr. Higgins at the university hospital." He turned back to Rose, "Please don't worry, though. I'm sure it is nothing to worry about." He started out the door. "why don't you get dressed and then Nellie will give you the number." He walked back over to Rose. He took her hand in his. He lifted his glasses and again his wet eyes looked into hers, "Rosie, it will be all right. And, we'll telephone you in a couple of days about the pregnancy. It will all be all right."

Rose walked back through West Moreland, frozen solid. Her body was cold and all of her muscles rigid. A nice breeze was picking up and it made her dress flutter in the wind. She straightened the skirt of her dress and walked past the pharmacy. "There is a lump here too" she thought to herself. She held on to this sentence. It said everything. There were two lumps. "lump." She examined the word in her mind, looking for an explanation. "Lump." Suddenly the word didn't even seem like a word she recognized. "lump." It scared her.

She walked past the movie theater. The Marque said "Ingrid Bergman" in "Gaslight." She heard Ed saying "You do. You look just like Ingrid Bergman." How different her life was now. The weight on her mind, made her see how trivial everything had been. She felt tears coming to her eyes. "There's a lump here too." He had said, "Did you know that, Rosie?" Her breast.

She walked faster and turned up Tacoma street. She took in a deep breath and let the air out. She felt a sinking fear that she might run into someone: a neighbor, a garden club member, even Carmen. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to maintain a conversation. The upcoming lecture on separating bulbs. Or, Bill's card night. The war. Rose kept walking and her wedge sandals scraped the sidewalk as she hurried back through sellwood. She didn't want to go home yet. Henry was splaying at Carmen's. Once she picked him up she'd have no time to think. No time to roll this idea over in her mind, polishing it into its meaning. She'd have to attend to his ideas, his constant chatter. She'd snap at him, spank his bottom, send him to his room. She walked down 13th st and past Lepzig's. She thought maybe she'd stop and have a coffee. Just sit alone for a moment. She walked into to the confectionary and it was nearly empty.

"Hello," said the waitress. She was Lepzig's wife. She recognized Rose but didn't know her. She never said too much. "Just you?" the woman asked. And, the question cut through Rose, because more and more she thought about how alone she was.

She swallowed down her coffee. And, she pulled the small business card from her purse. She examined the telephone number for the specialist, Dr. Higgins LA 5577. She fingered the paper and looked at her red polished nails. She bit her lip. Even though she had wanted time to mull it over, nothing came to her mind. For a moment, she caught herself, did she come in here to run into Ed as she had when they had first met? She did want to run into him, but just to yell and scream at him.

She took a deep breath and looked around the restaurant. The tables were all empty. Salt and pepper shakers were arranged on the tables. Red and white checkered napkins were stacked behind the counter. She picked up her spoon and put it down. Then, in a rush it all came back to her. How sick her mother had been. It was such an awfully overwhelming feeling that she thought she might faint. She grew dizzy at first. She had never felt so afraid in all her life. She remembered the lumps all over her mother.

Rose was in a state of shock. She was stunned. She realized that she needed Nick right now. She didn't just want him here, she had to have him here. She couldn't do this alone. Rose felt as if she couldn't stand up. She knew if she did that she would faint. She couldn't breathe. She raised her hand and motioned for the waitress to come over to her.

"Yes, hon, what can I get you?"

Rose couldn't find words. She couldn't make them come out. Finally, she said, "can you call my friend. I need someone to come and get me."

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"No," Rose said. She shook her head back and forth.

"Give me the number," the waitress said.

"Tell her its an emergency," Rose said, "tell her not to bring the children,"

It seemed like a moment later Carmen was there in front of her. Her eyes large and expectant as if asking, What's going on? What's happening?