note.
this is the last chapter.

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Chapter 40

I was clearly attracted to him, Ryker Miguel Adeva, the first time I've laid my eyes on him. In the midst of the dark with only strobe lights guiding our paths, I could vividly describe how beautiful he was to me. His skin is flawless and as smooth as it can be. The way his hair would carelessly flaunt how silky it was. The way his eyes would show his emotions regardless of how much he tries to mask it. The way he knows you're attracted to him so the grin on his lips widens.

Goddamn it, I really liked the guy.

I love that guy.

I don't really have regrets before dying. . .but not being able to tell him how much he meant to me dreaded me. I got scared that I wouldn't be able to see his beautiful face once again. I wouldn't wake up and I would never see how he would grow old in time. I was afraid of not growing old with him.

My eyes opened wide and I saw the white ceiling as soon as my sight was regained. Napansin ko na ang paligid ko ay halos puti lang din maliban na lang sa maliit na TV sa harapan ko. I looked around me and saw that I was in a hospital bed. Sinikap kong tumayo ngunit naramdaman ko agad ang pagod. My body was clearly still recovering. Napahawak ako sa aking leeg, I could still feel her hand on it.

"Ziah?" Someone staggered to get to me. Napalingon ako rito at nakitang si Lotte pala. Pupungas-pungas siyang lumapit sa akin.

"Lot. . ." my voice came out hoarse, as if my voice was taken away from me. It faded in the middle and I was only able to communicate with her through gazes.

Napabuntonghininga siya. "Huwag ka na muna magsalita. But I'm glad you're awake."

I nodded weakly. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko rin kayang magsalita nang magsalita. I wouldn't be able to tell her what I really feel right now because I couldn't remember a thing. Ang tanging naaalala ko ay ang kadiliman na pumaibabaw sa akin nang higpitan n'ya ang paghawak sa aking leeg.

"She's in jail. . .your stepmother. . .or the wife of your biological father," sabi sa akin ni Lotte. "Malaki ang galit n'ya sa 'yo at sa mama mo. Some are even asking for her to be able to be bailed out."

"Really?" paos na tanong ko.

"Sabing 'wag munang magsalita," she hissed at me.

I only grinned at her. Tingnan mo ang isang ito, concern lang pero may halong galit pa rin ang tono. Pakiramdam ko ay kahit nagaalala siya sa akin, gusto n'ya rin akong batukan dahil sa ginawa ko. I was reckless that time. All I had was the courage to talk to that woman and also my faith that Lotte, my best friend, will not abandon me.

The people who love me wouldn't abandon me. It was a hard truth that I needed to swallow—and if one day that they do abandon me. . .then maybe the love that they had for me wasn't strong enough. Maybe what we had already run its course. And that isn't anyone's fault at all. I shouldn't blame myself for it as well.

Just because they don't love me anymore doesn't diminish my worth.

"Kumain ka na muna," sabi ni Lotte. "Bibili ako sa cafeteria nila." Lumingon siya sa akin. "Lugaw ba gusto mo? Iwasan muna natin ang matitigas at mahirap lunukin."

"Ilayo mo si Ryker nang wala ako makain na matigas at mahirap lunukin," biro ko at napaubo. I still can't talk well.

Umirap siya at pinag-krus ang kan'yang mga braso. "Matulog ka na lang ulit. Kakagising mo lang ay 'yan na agad ang bungad mo sa akin."

Bahagya akong natawa nang makita ang reaksyon ni Lotte. She slowly shook her head. Hindi makapaniwala na nagagawa ko pang magbiro kahit halos katatakas ko lang sa bingit ng kamatayan.

"You're fucked in the head," Lotte snickered. "Alam mong delikado na kaharapin siyang mag-isa pero ginawa mo."

"I knew you'd come."

"Eh, paano kung hindi?"

"But you did." Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. "I trust you with my life, Lotte."

Natahimik siya nang marinig ang mga salitang iyon mula sa akin. I grew up depending only on myself. I couldn't even ask for help from my own mother. Kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit para bang naninibago siya.

"I followed you and saw that you were almost half conscious when she left you alone," paliwanag n'ya. "I knew how to use martial arts so I was able to defend myself from her. She was unarmed, anyway."

"There was CCTV near that area," sabi ko sa kan'ya. "I made sure it had good angles."

I surveyed the area before I agreed to be dragged there. It was out of impulse but I was desperate to get a hold of her. Kaya ako pumayag na dalhin n'ya ako roon dahil alam kong kung may gagawin man siyang ikapapahamak ko. . .there will be proof. Hindi ko na inisip kung baka matuluyan ako—because all I wanted was for it to end. I wanted to bring justice to my mother's life.

"You're stupid for thinking that she wouldn't want to murder you," she snickered. "Alam mong galit siya sa 'yo. You're a threat to their peaceful family. . ."

"I know. . .at valid ang galit n'ya," tumango ako sa sinabi ni Lotte. I understand where she was coming from. Kahit ako ay maalarma kung biglang may lalabas na anak ng asawa ko sa iba. I would feel hurt, betrayed, and angry all at the same time.

Pero hindi iyon rason para pumatay. Hindi iyon rason upang gawing miserable ang buhay ng iba. Hindi siya rason para manakit ng iba.

"You can file a case against her," ani Lotte at lumapit pa lalo sa akin. "After this, of course. Kailangan mo muna ng mahabang pahinga."

I sighed, napapikit na lang din ako dahil sa pagod. Kahit kagagaling ko lang sa pahinga ay ramdam ko pa rin ang daloy ng mga inaalala ko. Alam ko na kahit klaro na sa amin ang mga nangyari, a part of me still feels I need to fix something. I have to do something in order for us to move on.

I have to meet him.

I didn't know how to, it was hard to reimagine our first meeting. Akala ko noon ay kapag nagkita kami. . .galit ang naguumapaw na pakiramdam ko. I would hurt him, punch him in his face for leaving us. Kahit no'ng nalaman kong tinago ako ni Mama sa kan'ya. A part of me still feels hurt that he didn't even try again with her. Nagpakasal na lang siya sa iba.

"Alam na ba ng pamilya n'ya?" agad kong tanong kay Lotte habang naghahanda na kami dahil madi-discharge na ako. OA lang sila dahil pina-hospital pa nila ako. I could recover in my own home yet they didn't want to risk any complications.

"Yes," Lotte sighed. "And you could assume how they took it. Kahit sila ay nagulat sa pagiging bayolente n'ya. She's usually calm and collected, they say. Relihiyosa rin siya, kaya kinagulat talaga nila ang mga paratang sa kan'ya."

Maybe that's the reason why I couldn't point fingers at her when the opportunity to do so was right in my face. Hindi ko rin naman alam na lumapit sa kanila si Mama. I know. . .she saw us as a threat to the peace that they have. Pero kung sana ay nagusap lang sila at hindi humantong sa ganito ang mga pangyayari.

"Gusto ka makausap ng Papa mo," isiniwalat ni Lotte. "Pero sinabi ko na huwag na lang. Baka hindi ka pa okay. Baka hindi ka pa handa."

Habang tinutupi ko ang mga damit ko upang ilagay sa aking bag, napaisip ako at sinatinig ito. "Kailan ba ako magiging handa?"

Even if I prolong our meeting, I would still feel the same—indifferent towards him. I couldn't see him as someone that I longed for, because I knew right in my heart that I was already happy even if it was only my mother who guided me through this life.

Ito ang kadalasan kinakatakot ng mga mag-asawa. Na baka kapag nasira ang pamilya, baka hindi lumaki nang tama ang bata. Pero hindi nila alam na ang pamilyang pinilit lang mabuo. . .ay parang bahay na unti-unting nilalamon ng anay. Na hindi rin naman lalaki nang tama yung bata kung puro away, sumbatan, at sakitan ang bahay na tinuturing n'yang tahanan.

"So, kakausapin mo?"

Tumango ako. "Oo."

I was discharged as soon as we were able to pack up my bags. Hinatid ako ni Lotte sa aking condo unit. I looked at my phone and it was bursting with notifications. Ang ilan sa kanila ay nakikibalita kung okay pa ako. Ang iba naman ay inakalang patay na ako. Nakita ko pa nga ang ilan sa mga kamag-anak ko ay may black profile na sabay may pa-kandila pa.

Grabe? Parang kulang na lang ay hukayan na nila ang ako paglalagyan ng kabaong kung sakali.

I sighed as I posted a quick update and also told them that I'm recuperating. Nagtipa ako ng mensahe upang hindi rin ako kulitin nang kulitin kung okay lang ako.

Aziah Florencio
Hello, everyone! Buhay pa po yung pinipilit n'yong patayin. ✨ Mauuna pa po kayo sa akin dahil isa akong masamang matcha 🍵! Currently recovering from everything so I might not be able to reply to messages.
Okay lang 'yan, sanay naman kayong di pansinin 🙂

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Napahikab ako habang nasa shotgun seat. Lumingon sa akin si Lotte na busy sa pag-drive. Her hand was on the steering wheel while her eyes went straight to me.

"P'wede ka muna matulog, malayo pa naman tayo," she said in a worried tone.

Ngumiti ako. "Okay na ako. Ikaw dapat ang magpahinga. . .wala ka bang kasalitan sa pagbabantay sa akin noon?"

There was hope rising in my chest. Hindi ko alam kung bakit may inaasahan akong tao. I miss him. I haven't had the time to get in touch with him because I was still recovering from what happened.

"Ryker visited you," agad n'yang agap sa akin. "Sumakto lang talaga na finals ngayon kaya wala siya. No'ng mga nakaraang araw naman ay palagi kang tulog o di kaya nagpapahinga kaya hindi kayo nagkakasalubong. As much as he wants to stay, strikto ang hospital na iyon sa mga visitors."

I smiled as I closed my eyes. I was happy that we were finally at the same page. We were finally meeting in the middle. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung isang araw ay hindi ko na makikita ang pilyong ngiti sa gwapo n'yang mukha. I miss Ryker terribly. I want to be with him as soon as possible.

Paakyat na sana kami ng unit ko ng may tao na nagaabang sa amin sa may lobby. He was tall and he was wearing a blue polo shirt. May hawak siyang bata sa kanang kamay n'ya. Both of them had curls in their hair. Natigilan kami sa paglalakad nang maaninag sila mula sa malayo.

Sabay silang lumingon sa direksyon ko. Lotte shielded me from their gaze but I only tugged her from her shirt. Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya at umiling-iling. She should stay behind me. I should face them head on, lalo na't wala naman akong ginawang mali sa kanila. Kung may dapat mang mahiya sa aming dalawa, siya iyon at hindi ako.

"Maguusap lang kami," sabi ko sa kan'ya.

"Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi siya makapaghintay," she hissed as she shook her head. "I doubt that he's here because he's concerned for your well-being. Ni isang beses ay hindi ka n'ya nadalaw sa hospital."

The father that I've created in my mind would have done the same. Hindi naman na bago sa akin ang magkaroon ng tatay na walang kwenta. Although. . .it pricked my chest to know that my thoughts were right all along. He didn't care about me. He couldn't care less if I died that night.

Nagkasanggaan ang mga mata naming dalawa. I looked at him, emotionless. I balled my fists and felt the tips of my nails slowly sinking in my palms. Ramdam ko ang pinipigilan na kirot ng aking dibdib. This isn't how I wanted for us to see each other again. Hindi ko rin naman inaasahan na magiging okay kaming dalawa. Pero ramdam ko ang hidwaan sa pagitan namin.

"Kailangan natin magusap," agad siyang lumapit sa akin, hindi na nagsayang pa ng oras. "Please."

I could sense the desperation dripping from his tone. His eyes were obviously tired, the tint of sleepless nights were evident on his face. Ang batang kasama n'ya ay kanina pa dumidila sa kan'yang lollipop, it was probably to pacify her.

"Sige. . ." pagpayag ko.

Hinawakan ako ni Lotte sa aking braso. She looked at me as if I was committing a mistake. Umiling lang ako sa kan'ya. I don't want to prolong my agony anymore. If this talk ends up being our last time to have a conversation, then so be it.

Parang nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib yung tatay ko. He looked at me like he was a nervous wreck. Pakiramdam ko ay kahit pahalikan ko ang paa ko sa kan'ya ngayon ay gagawin n'ya para lang pagbigyan ko siya na makausap ako.

The thought only drilled disappointment inside me. He didn't visit me when I was hospitalized. Kaya bakit ngayon lang n'ya ako kakausap? Maybe because of guilt? Uso ba iyon sa kan'ya? Does he think that I blame him for what happened?

Well, I don't.

He wasn't the one driving the car that purposely hit and left my mother to die. He wasn't the one who hurt Ryzi. He wasn't the one who left me traumatized that everyone in my life is endangered because of me.

Kaya kahit naguumapaw ang poot sa aking dibdib, hindi ko magawang ibuntong sa kan'ya ito. I didn't want to act like her—the woman that my father married. I didn't want to misplace my emotions to someone else who's not involved entirely with the crime.

Sumunod si Lotte sa amin. We decided to have the conversation in a nearby restaurant. Panay ang lingon sa akin ng batang babae. Si Queenie, sa pagkakatanda ko. She didn't look hostile. She even looked at me with familiarity. Para bang nakikilala n'ya ako. Para bang alam n'ya kung sino ako.

Lumayo si Lotte at si Queenie sa aming dalawa ng tatay ko. They went to a far table, but within the distance as well. Ang mga mata ni Lotte, bagama't malayo na sa amin ang pisikal na katawan, ay nakatuon pa rin sa akin.

Umupo na ang ama ko sa nakaharap na upuan. Ang tanging ingay na nangyayari sa pagitan namin ay ang tunog ng hangin mula sa isang floor standing aircon at ang background music ng mismong restaurant, instrumental lang at walang mga salita.

Tumikhim siya. "I'm Prince. . .or Mr. Salvador. Ikaw ang bahala kung paano mo ako ia-address."

I called you my father in my head. Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. Ang kabog sa dibdib ay unti-unting nanghina. Ang naunang nerbyos ay nabawasan. At least, binigyan na n'ya ako ng itatawag sa kan'ya. I was already sick of calling him as my father even when he didn't act like one.

"Prince," walang-galang kong bitaw. "Ano ang gusto mong pagusapan?"

"Gusto ko sanang. . .i-areglo ang nangyari," he said with finality. Ang mga mata n'ya ay nakapukaw sa akin, para bang agila at isa lang akong uod.

Bahagya akong natawa. I know I was already disappointed but I didn't know that he could go lower. Ang akala ko na tatakbuhan ng usapan namin ay tungkol sa paghingi ng tawad. Akala ko ay tungkol sa kung ano talaga ang nangyari. He bypassed everything and went straight to the point—he wants his wife out of jail. He wants me to forgive them without uttering an apology.

"Ayoko," I matched his firmness. "Ayokong pagusapan ang tungkol doon dahil hindi iyon mangyayari. She will rot in jail! I will make sure of it!"

Naaninag ko ang galit sa kan'yang mukha. His veins protrude on his forehead. Nagtiim-bagang siya na para bang hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.

"Magkano ba kailangan mo? I know I wasn't able to support you financially. Hindi ko alam na anak kita. Hindi ko rin inaasahan na gagawin ito ng nanay mo. If I knew back then, kinuha kita sa kan'ya dahil alam kong hindi ka n'ya kayang palakihin nang maayos."

May pumitik sa akin. I glared at him. "Anong sabi mo?"

"I pity you. I know you were brainwashed by your mother. I know that you don't want this. Alam kong may awa rin sa puso mo at naiintindihan mo kung bakit ginawa iyon ng asawa ko."

"Ang tanging naiintindihan ko lang ay mamamatay-tao siya!" I almost growled at him. "She threatened those who I held dear to me! Hindi siya huminto sa nanay ko lang! She wanted me gone as well! My traces, she wanted them all removed!"

"It's because she wanted to retain the peace between our families! Ang mama mo ang nauna, she showed up to my wife and told her that we had a child together! Kung di ba naman talaga siya eskandalosa!"

"At dahilan na ba iyon para patayin ang mama ko?" tanong ko sa kan'ya na tila ba hindi makapaniwala.

He sounded like he was justifying her actions! I hated how he was convincing me that everything that happened to me was shallow and she shouldn't be paying for her crimes severely. I can't believe he wants to think that she should go home with only a slap on the wrist!

Napabuntonghininga siya. "We can't bring your mother back to life. Pero ang anak namin, she needs a mother, Aziah. You have to think about it. Paano ang pamilya namin? Masisira siya dahil lang sa isang pagkakamali?"

Isang pagkakamali? Ang pagpatay?

"I needed a mother too!" asik ko sa kan'ya. "And yet your wife killed her mercilessly! Hindi lang isang beses ang pagkabangga sa kan'ya! Kinaladkad siya! Ilang beses siyang sinagasaan! And now you're going to tell me that your daughter needs a mother!? Bakit hindi iyan naisip ng asawa mo bago siya pumatay ng nanay ng iba!?"

Malalaki ang butil ng luha na lumandas sa aking pisngi. The excruciating pain made me feel numb on the inside. Ang akala kong kaya ko na ay hindi pa rin pala. Is this what my mother had to endure? Para sa akin? How could they lack sympathy for me? Ako ang nawalan ng nanay, ako na walang tatay na kinalakihan, ako na halos walang masandalan kung walang mga kaibigan.

They make it sound like living my life means being troublesome for them. Na sana ay wala na lang ako. My mother never made me feel that way, she shielded me from this awful truth.

He looked at me sternly. "Kayo ang nanggulo. She didn't want to kill her. My wife couldn't possibly do that without a reason. Your mother triggered her for sure. Nagpakita pa rin siya rito at sinabi pa ang tungkol sa 'yo. Mabuti na nga ako dahil hindi ako ang magsasampa ng kaso—"

Seryoso ba siya? Umawang ang labi ko sa narinig. Ako pa talaga ang kakasuhan kung di ko iuurong ang kaso? At anong kaso naman? Napailing na lang ako nang wala sa oras.

"Anong kaso ang isasampa mo sa akin!?" I shrieked at him and almost lost my cool. "Okay ka lang ba talaga? Ako ang naaawa sa anak n'yo dahil kayo ang naging magulang n'ya! Instead of claiming your sins, you'd rather point fingers at me! I don't need your money! Lunukin mo 'yan! Or better yet, ipunin mo para sa mga bibilhin mong pagkain kapag binibisita mo na ang asawa mo sa kulungan! I will not back out! Makukulong siya!"

Nanglisik ang kan'yang mga mata. I saw how he balled his fists. Pakiramdam ko kung wala lang kami sa isang restaurant ay kanina pa n'ya ako nasaktan. Yet, I won't falter. I know that I was on the right path. Hindi n'ya ako masisindak dahil alam kong. . .hindi ako mag-isa. I have my friends and Ryker. I have people around me. . .that love me.

"Is this your way of revenge? Maninira ka ng buhay ng iba? Ng isang inosenteng bata? Alam kong galit ka sa akin o sa asawa ko, pero may anak kami! She's young! She needs a mother!" sigaw n'ya sa akin.

"I needed a mother too!" atungal ko agad. "Kinuha n'yo rin siya sa akin! Mabuti nga't mabibisita pa n'ya ang nanay n'ya, samantalang ako ay hindi ko na magagawang makausap pa siyang muli!"

Our emotions heightened. Pareho kaming maraming gustong isumbat sa isa't isa.

Napatayo siya at umiling-iling. "It was useless to talk with you. "

"Nagsayang lang din ako ng laway sa 'yo," saad ko sa mababang tono. I wanted him to feel the same way, I wanted him to feel my pain. Pero alam ko naman na wala siyang gano'n.

He could never feel my pain because he doesn't love me. My emotions can't reach him because he doesn't care about me. Posible pala talagang manggaling ka sa isang taong. . .hindi ka mahal.

Siya dapat ang unang magpaparamdam sa akin ng pagmamahal para hindi ko ito hanapin sa iba; pero siya rin ang kauna-unahang nagparamdam sa akin na hindi lahat ng tao ay kaya akong mahalin.

Dinampot n'ya si Queenie na halos katatapos lang kumain. Nag-order pala sila ni Lotte. Walang imik si Lotte nang kunin ni Prince mula sa kan'ya ang bata. I refused to refer to him as my father anymore. I don't think even the title suits him.

"Okay ka lang?" Agap ni Lotte nang mapuntahan ako. "You handled him well."

"Akala ko. . .iiyak ako," halakhak ko sa hangin. "Akala ko ay yayakapin n'ya ako. Hihingi siya ng tawad. Akala ko ay maiiyak din siya. Puro akala, wala man lang tumama."

"Ziah. . ."

Ngumiti ako kay Lotte. "I'm happy because I have no regrets now. I have lived a better life. Mas naging okay na wala siya sa buhay namin ni Mama."

I can finally move forward.

Kaya naman matapos ang usapan na iyon ay dumeretso na kami sa unit ko. Napasandal ako sa mismong railings ng elevator. My head was still in a dazed, hindi pa rin makapaniwala na kinausap ko na siya at tinapos ko na ang pantasya ko tungkol sa kan'ya.

I'd create horrible stories about him in my mind yet he still managed to make it worse.

Unti-unting tumulo ang luha ko. Tangina. . .ang sakit pa rin pala. Kasi alam ko naman na tama siya. Alam ko naman na may point siya. Kung makukulong ang asawa n'ya. . .sino ang tatayong ina ng kan'yang anak?

"Ziah," Lotte went near me, unti-unti n'ya akong hinawakan sa balikat upang ilapit sa kan'ya. "It's okay. You did the right thing. Mabuti nga't pinakinggan mo pa siya. Hindi mo p'wedeng itama ang pagkakamali na siya mismo ang gumawa."

Suminghot ako. "Ang t-tanga ko ba kung nag-expect ako? Na baka sakaling. . .anak din turing n'ya sa akin?"

It was obviously stupid of me to think that way. Alam ko naman na hindi kami close. Alam ko naman na baka sabit ang tingin n'ya sa akin. Kaya bakit nag-isip pa ako na baka sakaling may kaunting puwang ako sa puso n'ya? Why was I craving something I have never tasted?

"It's not your fault, Ziah," Lotte assured me by simply squeezing my shoulders. "Maikli lang ang buhay natin sa mundo. Sometimes. . .our connection is not by blood. Sometimes we can choose who we spend our life with. Hindi porke't pamilya ay kakampi mo na."

Tumango na lamang ako. My heart has been broken by those I have shared blood with. Minsan mas naiintindihan pa ako ng mga taong hindi ko naman kadugo. It's ironic that family is sometimes the source of our own misery.

Bumukas na ang pinto ng elevator. Pagkarating namin sa floor ng unit ko ay ramdam ko ang tinding pagod mula sa byahe, sa sagutan, at sa mga iniisip. When I opened the door, the familiar scent of home invaded my nostrils. I wasn't able to process everything at first but. . .my home was well decorated.

"Arf arf arf, Mommy Ziah," pagbabasa ko sa malaking karatulang nakalagay at nakasabit sa may bintana.

"Welcome home!" Ryker rushed towards me with a tight embrace. Nagulat ako dahil mukhang hindi pa siya tapos sa paga-ayos nang dumating kami.

He was wearing a white polo, nakatupi ang sleeves nito hanggang sa kan'yang siko. His sweat was evident on his forehead but it only added on his appeal. Hinihingal pa siya nang kumalas mula sa pagkakayakap sa akin.

I breathed out because of his tight hug. "What the hell!?"

Narinig ko ang pagtawag sa akin ni Ryzi, he was wiggling his tail as soon as he approached me. Ngumiti naman si Ryker nang makita ang paglalambing ng anak. . .namin sa akin. Napangiti na lang din tuloy ako dahil nangulila rin ako sa kanila.

"I miss you," mahinang saad ko kay Ryker na nanglaki ang mga mata dahil sa narinig.

It was hard for me to express my feelings before. . .because I was afraid that people would wield those feelings I had for them against me. Pero hindi naman lahat ng tao ay gano'n. I just have to trust them. . .and know that trusting also means letting go of my own fears.

"I miss you more," Ryker exhaled then looked at me lovingly. Nangungusap ang mga mata. Halos halatang hindi nakatulog nang maayos dahil wala ang presensya ko. "Goddamn it, Ziah. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung hindi ka bumalik sa akin."

"Mag-masturbate," suhestiyon ni Lotte. Her face went blank.

"Ang bastos mo, ate," tinapunan lang siya ng isang tingin ni Ryker.

Humalakhak na lang ako. "Ang mahalaga ay okay na tayo. We can move forward now. No one is going to harm us anymore. Our lives can move towards our goals without fearing for the next days. . .'di ba?"

"Oo naman," Ryker snuggled to me, not minding the disgusted look on Lotte's face. "We'll spend them together. Much better if naked, syempre."

"Ang kapal! Kaka-discharge lang nung tao!" reklamo ni Lotte. "Jusko naman!"

"Tulog lang yata magiging pahinga ko," halakhak ko. I naughtily linked my arms to Ryker.

"Anong tulog lang? Pikit lang kamo," Ryker chuckled against my hair. "I miss my pretty baby so much. Huwag na huwag ka na ulit magpapa-choke sa iba, ha?"

"Yes, sa 'yo lang po," sakay ko sa kagaguhan ni Ryker.

"Tangina talaga," diring-diri si Lotte sa PDa naming dalawa. Nagpanggap pa siyang nasusuka.

We were finally happy and free from harm. My heart finally felt at ease knowing that we can live our lives the way we want to.

Iyon ang buong akala ko. Iyon ang akala namin. Because next week, when we decided that life is actually going to be better. . .it failed us terribly.

"A-ano!?" My voice rose as soon as they told me the news. Nanginginig ako. Umiiyak si Lotte habang kausap ko sa kabilang linya.

"R-ryker was stabbed! Ziah!" She wailed on the other line. "Oh my god! Ziah! Hindi ko alam gagawin!"

"Nasaan kayo!?" I rose from my seat. Agad akong naghanap ng mga gamit o ng kahit ano na mahahawakan. I need to stay sane, I have to keep myself calm.

Pero. . .bakit pati si Ryker?

Bakit ba ayaw nila akong sumaya?

Tumutulo ang luha ko habang nasa byahe. I couldn't control my emotions anymore. Ang driver ay pinapakiramdaman na lang ang mga hikbi ko. Papunta ako sa hospital ngayon kung saan dinala si Ryker. He was in a critical condition. Halos hindi rin stable ang emotions ni Lotte nang kausapin ko siya.

"Sinong s-sumaksak sa kan'ya?" I wept as I asked Lotte. Nasa isang tawag kaming dalawa ngayon. She was updating me from time to time.

"It was your father," Lotte said as she cried harder. "Nahuli naman siya agad dahil hindi siya nakatakbo. . .pero ginawa n'ya 'yon dahil hindi n'ya tanggap na hindi p'wedeng lumaya ang asawa n'ya. Sumuko rin agad siya, Ziah. Pero si Ryker. . .hindi pa rin siya nagigising!"

"Bakit si R-ryker pa?" dalamhati ko habang sumisinghot. My eyesight was blurred because of my tears. "Sana ako na lang. . .ako naman ang nagpakulong. Ako ang may ginawa laban sa kanila! Why did they have to involve him!?"

May mahabang katahimikan ang dumaan. Unti-unting bumagal ang tibok ng puso ko habang nararamdaman ang mga salitang sasabihin ni Lotte.

"Ziah. . .sorry," Lotte cried, this was the only time she cried during our friendship. "He's gone. Ziah, he's gone!"

Para akong binuhusan ng semento habang nasa byahe. Ni hindi ko namalayan na nasa harap na pala ako ng mismong hospital kung saan siya dinala. Bumaba ako pero halos naiwan ko ang kaluluwa ko sa mismong kotseng sinakyan ko. Hindi pa rin rumirihistro sa utak ko ang nangyari.

I was looking forward to our days together. Unti-unting nanglambot ang mga binti ko at napailing-iling. This isn't possible. Buhay si Ryker. Hindi p'wedeng pati siya ay kukunin sa akin?

I haven't even told him that I love him. . .I haven't even uttered those words to him.

I am always. . .late, aren't I?

I went to the information desk. Sinubukan kong tawagan si Lotte pero hindi na siya sumasagot. Para akong lantang bulaklak na unti-unting naghanap kung saan ko makikita si Ryker.

I didn't expect to see him in the mortuary. Unti-unting tumulo muli ang aking luha. My baby. . .is right there? Lifeless? Without him knowing how much I love him?

Napasandal na lang ako sa pader. Para akong nawalan ng buto sa sobrang panglalambot. My tears were rolling down my cheeks as the realization seeped through my being. He was gone. . .even before we could begin.

If only I was able to tell him how much I loved him. . .If only I told him those 'I love you's not because it's special but because he deserves to hear it from me every day. He deserves to feel the love that I have for him every single time that we were together. I robbed him of that. I didn't give him the chance to experience it.

If only. . .I loved him. . .before he was completely gone from my life.