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Chapter 39

I think it was easier for others to see us in a bad light than to remember all the good things that we did. It was easier for Kelsey to throw away the years of friendship because of my background. I know. . .tama naman talaga siya.

"You don't know the whole story," sabi ni Lotte kay Kelsey.

Kelsey laughed, mockingly. "Do I have to? The mere fact that she. . .hid it from us already says a lot. Alam n'ya kasi na mandidiri tayo. I wouldn't even be friends with her in the first place if I knew!"

The judgment was so loud that it burned inside my ears. It went in and never went out anymore. Mas masakit dahil sa ka-close ko pa ito narinig. Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

I heaved a breath as Kelsey glanced at me coldly. The friendship that we've built was slowly crumbling in front of me. Wala akong kawala rito.

I wasn't a saint. . .yet I didn't choose this background as well.

She rubbed it in my face, really well, if I may add.

"Yes. . .tama ka naman." Napalunok ako bago muling nagsalita. "I'm an illegitimate child. I didn't know about my father. I grew up making stories about him. I thought of him as a playboy, as a bastard, and as someone who was probably already dead."

"Really? Based sa kwento ng tita ko, nangggulo raw ang mama mo," she snickered as she crossed her arms across her chest. "Hindi na rin ako magtataka kung malandi ang mama mo, I mean the apple couldn't fall differently from the trees, right?"

"Girl." Pumalatak si Lotte. "Bitch ka ba talaga? Kung alam lang namin ni Ziah na gan'yan, matagal ka na naming nilayuan! How dare you spew nonsense to Ziah right now?!"

"Is it really nonsense or it's the hard truth you couldn't swallow?" Kelsey hissed at us.

Mabuti na lamang na nasa isang coffee shop kami. Kung hindi siguro kami nandito ngayon ay kanina pa kinalbo ni Lotte si Kelsey. I just know based on how Lotte's veins are protruding already. Mukhang kanina pa siya nagtitimpi rito.

I was still numb and dumbfounded. Pakiramdam ko kung ano mang sabihin ko ngayon ay hindi makakarating kay Kelsey. She already built a version of me inside her head, which I couldn't tear it apart now. Matayog na ang nabuo n'yang haka-haka tungkol sa akin.

My goal right now is to know. . .who made her think that way? Imposibleng dahil lang sa nalaman n'ya kaya n'ya sasaktan ang mga mahalagang tao sa akin. I doubt it could fuel her to get her hands dirty. So it must be someone who loathed me and my mother.

"Then tell me, anong alam mo?" I probed her, testing her patience. "Sino ka ba sa buhay ko? A friend of mine who couldn't make a guy settle down on her? Isn't that who you are?"

"How dare you?!" She screeched and almost launched on me. "Ikaw pa talaga ang nagsabi n'yan! Your mother was the one who disturbed a loving family! Hindi mo alam ang dinulot nitong sama ng loob sa asawa ng tatay mo!"

Asawa ng tatay mo. . .there was the confirmation that I needed. May taong galit nga sa amin. Lalo na sa nanay ko. . .or maybe she loathes me more because I was the living reminder that her husband was unfaithful.

Nangdilim ang paningin ko sa kan'ya. At that moment, I wanted to yell back at her for siding with a murderer. Pero ano bang alam n'ya? She could only pull her own truths. . .she doesn't want to hear our sides anymore.

"My mother never contacted him! For all the years that I've lived! Lahat ng gastos para sa akin ay nanay ko lang ang umako. I don't even want to regard him as my father! Tanging sperm donor lang ang tingin ko sa kan'ya," I snapped because of her accusations.

Pansin ko na ang tinginan sa aming dako. In a matter of minutes, I know someone will have to let us go outside. Coffee shop ito, they'll be weary of the possible next scenes from our confrontation. Mukhang hindi rin natitinag si Kelsey. In her little head, she was Miss Right.

"If that's the truth, then why did your mother contact your father?" She sneered. "Alam n'yang tahimik na ang mundo nila. Pero nanggulo siya bigla."

Parang may balakid sa aking lalamunan. Maybe it was that night. . .my mother probably contacted him because of me. She let guilt consumed her and tried to connect with him because she thought I needed a father. It was too late for that. I didn't really need anyone—I already had her, she was both my mother and my father figure.

"Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo," I told her. "Buong buhay ko, mama ko ang nagtaguyod sa aming dalawa. She didn't want to disturb his family. . .it wasn't like that."

Kelsey's eyes narrowed as she leaned towards me. "Hindi rin gan'yan ang nakarating sa amin. Your mother barged in their lives once she saw there was an opportunity! Nakita lang n'ya na nagkaroon ng mas magandang trabaho ang tatay mo, she wanted to have a part of it immediately! Ganid!"

All the baseless accusations could have hurt me, it was like knives being thrown one by one. Yet, no one hits a bull's eye—because I know for a fact that it wasn't true. My mother, who could have gotten a pot of land and a huge inheritance, didn't even bat an eye when she refused it. Kaya alam ko na hindi totoo ang paratang n'yang ganid ang nanay ko.

"Kelsey," I called her name. The last ounce of respect finally saturating into nothing. "Have you ever tried to at least talk to me? Ask me? I was your friend. . ."

Natutop ang kan'yang bibig. She suddenly felt the weight of my words. She could have asked me about it. She could have at least confirmed it from me. I know her blood ties are important to her. . .but she shared the most embarrassing moment she had with me. We were friends once. . .for her to throw me under the bus as soon as the opportunity strikes makes me think otherwise.

Kaya hindi ko maintindihan. How could she do that so easily? To throw away our friendship because. . .of my birthright? Maybe I was indeed born out of wedlock. . .but it wasn't my choice.

"You've already built your own version of me inside your head." Ngisi ko sa kan'ya. "Naiintindihan ko na kung bakit hindi mo ako tinanong."

I didn't know it was possible for friends to throw you out of the bus when it was convenient for them. Akala ko noon ay sa mga palabas, sa mga libro, o sa mga taong masasama lang ito nangyayari.

Maybe. . .I was evil for her.

Tumayo na si Kelsey. "This is going nowhere. Kung nandito kayo para kumbinsihin ako na bumalik sa friendship n'yo. Hindi na! That's my answer! I wouldn't want to be friends with people like you!"

"Be our guest," Lotte shrugged off. Pero ramdam ko sa boses n'ya na nasaktan din siya.

It was hard to let a friend go. . .but it was harder to force them to stay.

Matapos na makaalis ni Kelsey ay tiningnan ni Lotte ang hawak n'yang recorder. Her eyes met mine as we both nodded in agreement. Ibig sabihin ay nakuha na rin namin ang gusto naming malaman.

"I've noticed how distant she was," ani Lotte at lumapit sa akin upang ipakita ang conversation nila. "Kaya kinausap ko. Ako na ang nag-first move. She talked about having a snake in our friendship. She was hinting that you were a snake. Nagtaka naman ako dahil hindi kayo pareho ng tipo. You were into smart guys and she was into dumb boys—"

"Ang sama mo naman," singhap ko.

She narrowed her eyes. "What!? Eh totoo naman? Besides, we're not friends anymore. Pakialam ko kung masaktan siya na mahilig naman talaga siya sa mga bobo?"

Pinigilan ko ang mapangiti. Lotte really knows how to find gold in a mine. Alam n'ya kung paano magiging magaan ang isang pangyayari. I was lucky to have her beside me right now.

"Napakuwento siya tungkol sa Mama mo," she continued. "Nagtaka ako dahil paano n'ya nalaman ang mga iyon? Apparently kumare ng Tita n'ya ang stepmother—or asawa ng sperm donor mo. And she was furious when your mother tried to contact your father."

"She looked nice when I saw her," sabi ko sa kan'ya. Pinilit kong halughugin ang mukha n'ya sa aking isip.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Of course! She'll be nice! Ang alam ko ay kaya pinakasalan siya ng tatay mo ay dahil nabuntis siya nito. Yet, she had a miscarriage. . ."

Natigilan ako nang bahagya at napalingon sa kan'ya. My eyes turned to slits upon hearing the load of information that she had. Kulang na lang ay pati talambuhay ng asawa ng tatay ko ay alam na n'ya.

"Paano mo iyan nalaman? That's weird," I pointed out.

"Well, connections," she confessed, gnawing her bottom lip. "And a bit of investigation from our private investigators."

"May mga gano'n kayo?"

"Oh please, the ones seated in the government have a lot of secrets. Ang iba pa nga sa kanila ay laki sa farm pero may sasakyang mas mahal pa sa buong lupain nila," she sneered then shifted her focus on her phone. "Are you okay, though? Marami siyang nasabi."

I shrugged. "After all I went through? Parang kagat na lang ng langgam ang mga sinabi n'ya."

"Still, masakit pa rin," aniya. "I hope she'll reflect on her words and apologize."

"I doubt," halakhak ko saka napailing.

People are blind with their own misjudgment. Muuna silang magsalita bago mag-isip. Uunahin nilang pumuna bago umunawa. Uunahin nila palaging intindihin kung anong alam nila kaysa magbukas ng mga posibilidad na mali ang intindi nila.

I didn't expect that it would be her. Wala akong ginawa sa kan'ya. Hindi ko rin inakala na may kakayahan siyang makapanakit ng kapwa. My mother didn't disturb their family for a long time. . .and I'm sure that when she contacted my father, it wasn't because of her own interest but because of how I reacted.

It's funny because Charlotte was the one who helped me track her down. Sa likod ng isang maliit na chapel ko pa siya naabutan. The whole family was there, including my father and their child. Nakangiti sila habang papauwi na yata.

"You want to talk with her?" Lotte asked me while we were inside the car.

Napalunok naman ako. "Paano kung haka-haka lang natin ang lahat? Paano kung wala naman siyang ginawa? She could be upset, angry even. Pero hindi naman siguro sa point na makakapatay siya ng tao?"

Lotte's eyes narrowed. "You don't know people that well, Ziah. Hindi mo rin alam ang nagagawa ng galit."

I nodded in acknowledgement of her thought. Habang tinititigan ko sila, naiintindihan ko kung bakit n'ya proprotektahan ang pamilya n'ya. Yet, her action cannot be justified just because she felt threatened. Hurting someone because you were hurt isn't something that you can be proud of.

"Kakausapin mo ba? I don't think it's safe for you to talk to her alone, though." Lotte temporized, ang mga mata ay nakatuon na rin sa pamilya ng tatay ko.

"I'll try to talk to her without being suspicious," sabi ko sa kan'ya. I opened the door of the car and prepared to approach the wife of my sperm donor.

"Really?" she scoffed.

"I did say try," I shrugged. I prepared myself to face them head on.

My tongue couldn't twist to pronounce him as my father. I would always find it weird and awkward. It would gradually turn into hatred.

Napaputing bestida siya kasama ang sperm donor ko at iyong anak nila—si Queenie kung tama ang pagkakatanda ko.

Tumuwid ang aking paglalakad patungo sa parking lot. Mukhang pauwi na kasi sila o papunta sa kung saan matapos magsimba.

She was laughing while putting her little girl on the back of the car. Unti-unting napawi ang kan'yang pagtawa nang maaninag ang bulto ko. I looked at her casually and made sure that she knew that I know her.

"S-sino ka?" She panicked, it was evident as she hastily closed the door of the car.

"Hi! Magpapakilala lang ako sa 'yo," I smiled sweetly. "Ako si Ziah—"

Her eyes flinched, almost as if she couldn't breathe the same air as me. Nalaglag ang pekeng ngiti gumawad sa aking labi.

"Kilala kita," malamig n'yang sambit. "Leave us alone."

Ramdam ko ang panginginig sa boses n'ya. The look of fear on her face would easily mask the things she'd done in order to make her family complete. Sa pag-amin n'ya na kilala n'ya ako, parang nabubuo na ang mga piraso ng pangyayari sa aking isip. It was as if she was turning my nightmare into reality.

"Magpa-iwan ka," kalmanteng saad ko. "At sige, maguusap tayo."

She looked at me. . .matagal n'ya akong tinitigan bago siya napabuntonghininga at tumango.

"Hon? Ano 'yan?" The voice of her husband reverberated.

Who would have thought that the person I've been searching for my whole life. . .had a shitty voice? Narinig ko man ito noon, ngayon ko lang napagtantuan na buti na lang lumaki akong hindi ito ang naririnig.

"Mauna na muna kayo ni Queenie," she smiled sweetly at them as she gestured for them to go ahead. "I'll book a Grab na lang. May business meeting lang kami. . ."

Business meeting? That almost made me cackle. Naka-crop top ako ngayon, mukha ba akong pormal sa kan'ya? She wasn't a good liar. . .which would make this a lot easier than I think.

Humarurot na iyong kotse. Naiwan kaming dalawang nakatayo roon. She glanced at my way and her eyes turned stern.

"Bakit ka nandito?"

"I know what you did," I told her upfront. "Killed my mother, tormented me, and even hurt a mere puppy. The list goes on."

Her eyes widened a fraction. "How dare you accuse me of such things?!"

Sa sobrang galing n'yang magpatay-malisya, hanga ako sa kan'ya! Naiintindihan ko na kung bakit utong-uto si Kelsey at iyong Tita n'ya sa babaing ito. She was good at masking her intentions.

"Do you want me to expose you to your own child? To your dear husband?" I threatened her, the same way she threatened to ruin my life. "Madali lang naman. . .we've gathered evidences already."

The evidence was not real. Ang tanging inaasahan ko lang ngayon ay mapipiga siya. Based on her recent actions, she could be impulsive. She does things on a whim. Hindi n'ya planado ang mga ginagawa n'ya. . .but people won't suspect a loving mother and caring wife to do such things.

Women can really be scary if you'd ask me.

Napahawak siya sa aking braso, she pulled me into a hidden path. Nagulat ako dahil halos kaladkarin n'ya ako sa sulok na iyon. Nawala na sa paningin namin ang simbahan. She had to slam my body against the wall which hurt my back. The violent streak of her. . .was slowly showing itself.

It was as if I was triggering something inside her that made her lose her rationality and control.

Nasisinghot ko ang masangsang na amoy ng basurahan sa aming gilid. No one was actually walking in this particularly area. . .which is dangerous. I started to play my recorder which is connected to Lotte's cloud. May access na siya sa akin sa akin.

"Tigilan n'yo na ang pamilya ko," she outright told me. Nanglilisik ang kan'yang mga mata. "We don't want any connections with you. Hindi ka rin n'ya matatanggap. Wala kang sustento na makukuha mula sa kan'ya. Hindi mo rin p'wedeng sirain ang kinabukasan ni Queenie!"

"Wala sa nabanggit mo ang balak kong gawin," paliwanag ko sa kan'ya. "I only want you to pay for your crimes. Playing dumb will only get you nowhere."

"I didn't do anything to your family," saad n'ya. "At kung mayroon man, deserve mo iyon."

"Pinatunayan mo lang na kriminal ka nga," I probed.

"You bitch!" She snarled at me, eyes glowering in anger. "I didn't build my family for years just so you can wreck it!"

Ramdam ko ang gigil sa paraan ng paghawak n'ya sa aking balikat. Bumabaon ang mga kuko n'ya. Napapikit ako sa sakit. I should endure it! I should have a record of her own violence! Delikado itong pinapasok ko pero ito lang ang paraan para mailabas kung ano talaga ang kaya n'yang gawin.

I smirked, "Edi umaamin ka nga? You really did it! You. . .killed my mother? Stalked me? Hurt those who were around me?" sunod-sunod kong paratang sa kan'ya.

Bumagal ang paghinga n'ya. It was as if she was contemplating whether to tell me the truth or not. But for some reason, a smirk appeared on her lips.

She smiled at me like she was proud of it. "You told me you already have evidence. Aren't those enough to show how much I despise your mother? Tahimik na kami eh. We were living happily. . .until she decided to show up and told me that she wanted to introduce you to my husband!"

With that, I confirmed that she was indeed involved and she was the one who ended my mother's life.

"You didn't have to kill her! Oo, galit ka! Oo, baka nga sa tingin mo nanggugulo kami. . .but didn't you have the decency to talk to her?" nanghihinang saad ko sa kan'ya.

I know that if she told my mother that she wouldn't allow us to meet my father—she would understand and do her best to fill in both roles. Nagawa n'ya iyon nang hindi kailangan sabihin sa kan'ya. Maybe she just didn't want to see me hurting and disappointed anymore, so she tried to reconnect with him.

It wasn't because she loved him. . .it was because she loves me.

"Kinausap ko siya. . ." wala sa sariling sambit n'ya. "She told me that you needed a father. I couldn't share my husband with you. Ayoko! Hindi ako pumayag! And so that night, I silenced her! Yes, I ran her over! I didn't want her to ruin my Queenie's life!"

Pain sprung out of my chest. All of these happened because of me, huh? Kung hindi ko lang sana kinausap si Mama. . .tungkol sa tatay ko. Edi sana nandito pa siya. Edi sana hindi rin nagulo ang pamilya nila. I was to be blamed for everything that occured. It was as if I was a bundle of bad luck.

"I'm sorry. . ." mahinang sambit ko, pain slowly consuming me as well. "It wasn't her intention to ruin your family. Maniwala ka o sa hindi, tinago n'ya kayo sa akin. She didn't want any connection with him."

"Sinabi n'ya rin 'yan eh," halakhak n'ya na halatang galit. "At sa tingin n'yo ay maniniwala ako? Prince just got a better paying job, maghahabol talaga ang nanay mo! She left him! So she shouldn't have shown her face again!"

I didn't know why I had to apologize to her. Pero ramdam ko na mahal n'ya lang ang pamilya n'ya. She was trying to protect what's hers. Ang problema lang ay dinaan n'ya sa dahas. Maybe it's true that sometimes love isn't good when it is over pouring.

Pero hindi binura n'on ang nagawa n'ya. What she did is beyond being immoral—it was murder. She did it with such ease and it made my skin crawl. Paano n'ya nagagawang humarap sa Diyos habang naninira siya ng buhay ng iba? The way that her family isn't aware of her crimes. . .is scaring me.

Yet, I wanted her to apologize as well.

But I know better; I know that she won't. Ganoon naman talaga ang mga taong bulag sa sarili nilang pagkakamali. We couldn't force them to see how hypocrisy is reeking from them.

Believe me, the apology that you badly wanted? You'll never get it. Because in their eyes, you were the one who did them wrong. You were the one who disrupt their peace. They can convince themselves that they were right in twisting their perception of you. Kaya kung naghihintay ka na humingi sila ng paumanhin, hindi na iyon mangyayari. Hindi mo na yun makukuha. Ano ang mas magandang gawin? Move on. In spite of the growing pain. . .you have to forgive even when there was no verbal apology being said.

Her hands were trembling as she held on to me. Unti-unti n'ya akong nabitawan. Akala ko ay natauhan na siya. Akala ko ay makakausap ko siya sa kung paano mabibigyan ng solusyon ang ginawa n'ya. Of course, I want her to go to jail. I want her to pay for her crimes. I want to serve justice to my mother.

Natigilan ako nang bigla siyang natawa. I looked at her as she slowly clenched her fists and launched at me. Her hands aimed for my neck and tightened around it. Napahawak ako sa braso n'ya upang tanggalin ang pagkakakapit n'ya ngunit mas malakas siya sa akin.

Lotte. . .can find me. . .but her grip around my neck was too strong. Napapapikit na ako kakahabol ng aking hininga. I could only feel the pressure on my neck as she tightened it more.

I was . . .I can't . . .breath.

Nanglalabo na ang aking mga mata. I kept on trying to loosen her grip around my neck but it was too much. I couldn't even focus my sight on her because my vision is slowly turning into a blur.

It was stupid of me to think that she wouldn't hurt me in a public place! She killed my mother, hurt my dog, and tormented me as if it was just her daily routine!

"P'wede naman kita isunod sa kan'ya eh. . ." she laughed maniacally as I struggled against her grip. "Gusto mo. . .ngayon na? Magkita na kayo ng mama mo?"