to ate nurse,
happy birth month! 💙

#####

Messenger
ERPS  BALITA

Ryker:
Di n'ya ako mahal.

Eastre:
Oh

Cal:
Hala 🥺
Ay, wow.
Ang tino ng typings mo? 😄

Eastre:
Cal 😭😭😭

Ryker:
Akala ko p'wede eh.
Mahal ko siya.
Anong gagawin ko ngayon?

Eastre:
Acceptance, I guess?

Ryker:
I want to know why. . .
Kasi kung may mali sa akin;
babaguhin ko naman.

Eastre:
Baka ano
Di nya lang gusto ng relationship

Ryker:
Ayoko tumigil.
Sinabi ko lang naman na titigil ako kung di n'ya ako mahal dahil akala ko mapapaamin siya.
Umamin nga siya na di n'ya ako mahal.

Eastre:
East Drive nga tayo.
Drinks on me.

Ryker:
Mahal ko siya.
Mahal na mahal.
Pero anong gagawin ko kung hindi naman kami pareho ng nararamdaman?

#####
Chapter 22

It was a decision made out of haste. Ang alam ko lang ay hindi ako mapakali na may hawak si Kio na video na sisira ng record ni Ryker sa OSA. I was scared of the truth that all I was able to do in someone's life is ruin it.

I didn't want to tell anyone about it. . .because I didn't want to burden them. I grew up knowing the right thing and the right words to say without the attentive guidance of others. Kung aasa ako kay Ryker upang masolusyunan ito. . .I feel like I would disappoint him. He would leave me. Kaya naman ako na mismo ang gagawa ng paraan upang lumayo na siya sa akin. . .even if it means it would hurt him.

Nasa isang club kami ngayon. Naninibago ako dahil naging taong bahay ako magmula nang dumating si Ryzi sa buhay namin ni Ryker. Hindi ko inakala na hindi ako dadalawin ng boredom magmula nang magbahay-bahayan kaming tatlo.

The strobe lights were hitting my face so I covered my eyes using my right hand. Dumating si Lotte na may dalang inumin; hindi ito mga alak dahil alam n'yang wala ako sa mood uminom.

May kasama siyang naka-mullet ang buhok; sa dilim ay kumikintab ang mga mata n'yang singkit na mala-pusa. His skin was looking frail because it's so fair. He tilted his head upon seeing me and lifted a brow. Gwapo siya pero halatang hindi nandito upang makipaglandian. Wala rin ako sa mood mag-entertain kaya naman hindi ko na lang din binigyan ng pansin.

"Magkwento ka na," Lotte said. Umupo na siya sa harapan ko at tumabi naman sa kan'ya yung gwapong kasama n'ya. I don't think they're dating but I could guess that they're friends.

I inhaled sharply. Sinimulan ko magkwento sa kung paano ko napahiya si Ryker sa buong building namin. Maraming tao ang nandoon kaya naman alam ko sa sarili ko na maaaring kumalat ang pangyayari.

"Ang gaga mo," Lotte scowled at me as soon as she heard about Ryker bursting into tears when I rejected him in front of others. Mabilis na kumalat ang balita sa ibang course o baka dahil tiga-Mass Communication ang isang ito kaya naman nakarating agad sa kan'ya.

"It was better that way," napalunok ako habang nakatitig lang sa akin si Lotte. Her expression says it all; she thinks that I didn't think it through.

Wala si Kelsey dahil kasalukuyan itong nasa Singapore para sa isang family trip. Tahimik lang yung dalang lalaki ni Lotte pero mukhang nakikinig siya sa amin.

I could sense the clear disapproval of my friend. Alam ko na hindi n'ya maintindihan kung bakit ko ni-reject si Ryker. It's not like it was part of my plan! I just wanted it to be over. Ayoko na may iniisip na may masisirang tao dahil sa akin.

"Better in what way?" Lotte shrugged off. "Alam mo ba? Kinukulit ako ni Adeva magmula nang makita ka n'ya noon. Araw-araw ay walang palyang nagtatanong tungkol sa 'yo. At first, I was hesitant to give information about you. Baka kako, gagaguhin ka lang."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. Lotte has a lot of things, but the most notable thing about her is her honesty. Kahit kaibigan ka pa n'ya, kung ikaw yung mali, hindi ka n'ya papalampasin.

I was ready to face her litany because she rightfully has the ability to knock some senses to me.

"Aba malay ko bang ikaw ang gagawa n'on? Ikaw ang manggagago?" She chuckled as she sipped on her lemonade. "Kio is a shitty person that you shouldn't have listened to. Alam ko naman na may dahilan bakit mo ni-reject yung tao, pero sa harap ng maraming tao? Gosh, Ziah, that's cruel."

Ngayon na harap-harapan n'yang pinapamukha sa akin ang katangahan ko ay mas lalo akong nalunod sa sarili kong kahihiyan. I know I fucked up; yet I couldn't bring myself to dragged Ryker into this mess.

I bit my lower lip. "It wasn't my intention."

"Yet your action speaks otherwise," sabat n'ya sa akin. "Maiintindihan ko kung hirap kang mag-express, Ziah. I could relate to that aspect with you. Pero kung sa tingin mo porke't mahal ka na ay p'wede mo na saktan—clearly, you should wake up and face the truth that you're being a hypocrite. Takot kang magmahal dahil pakiramdam mo ay masasaktan ka lang. . .pero yung mga tao sa paligid mo na mahal ka, hindi mo man lang namamalayan na nasasaktan mo na?"

I dipped my head in shame. All her words were sharp enough to scrawl on my skin.

Tama siya. I didn't want to get hurt. Sa sobrang pag-iwas ko rito ay nasasaktan ko na pala yung taong mahal ako. Umawang ang labi ko habang unti-unting nanghihina ang mga daliri. I couldn't even lift a finger to bring my drink to my mouth.

"He probably hates me, huh?" sabi ko kay Lotte. "Pinaasa ko siya. Pinahiya ko siya sa maraming tao. Wala na siguro akong babalikan sa kan'ya."

"Ay, may balak kang bumalik?" Halakhak ni Lotte. "Girl, at this point? Kung ako si Ryker? Iiwasan na kita. What you did is pure shit."

Tumango ako at napapikit. Right, tama na naman siya. Bakit ko ba inisip na may babalikan ako? Ako ang nagpatigil sa kan'ya. . .malamang ay titigil talaga ang isang iyon dahil ako na mismo ang nagpa-iyak.

"Thank you for the wake up call," I told Lotte and smiled bitterly.

Lotte's eyes softened. Napabuntonghininga siya bago magsalita. "I don't blame you for your choices. Alam ko naman na siguro. . .sa mga oras na iyon, it was your only rational choice. Pero sana ay sinabi mo man lang sa akin? Sa amin ni Kelsey? Sa mama mo? Kay Ryker? Kasi sa tingin mo ba ay papayag kaming may gagong umaaligid sa 'yo?"

I gnawed my lower lip as I took a quick look at my drink. Pilit na iniiwas ang tingin kay Lotte. How could I tell her that the main reason I didn't ask for help. . .is because I don't know how to?

All my life, I've been doing things on my own. No'ng bata ako ay maagang nag-trabaho si Mama para matustusan ang mga pangangailangan namin. Unlike other kids, I had to iron my own clothes at 5 a.m. in the morning. Ako ang magbababad ng uniporme ko pag-uwi upang malabhan at masampay agad dahil dalawang pares lang ang mayroon ako. Ang sarili kong baon ay gawa ko lang din.

I had to learn how to pay bills as soon as I entered junior high school. Ilang beses na kaming muntik maputulan dahil nakalimutan ni Mama. There were times I had to pretend that I was older than my real age but my height could easily debunk my lie.

Of course, I wouldn't tell her that or anyone else. Ayoko isipin nilang hindi ginawa ni Mama ang tungkulin n'ya sa akin. Ayoko rin ipamukha sa akin na mas maganda sana ang buhay namin kung may Papa lang sana ako. I didn't want to feel that I was lacking so I had to fulfill a gap using my own parts.

So asking for help wasn't part of my dictionary. I'd rather burn myself than drag anyone to the fire pit.

"You're not alone, Ziah," sabi ni Lotte sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay kong nakapatong sa lamesa. "It's a cliché saying but it's true. Huwag mong ilayo ang sarili mo sa amin. Hindi ko sinasabing wala ka ng babalikan kay Ryker. . .kasi halata naman na mahal ka nung isang iyon. Maybe. . .you should fix your commitment issues first. Ako na bahala kay Kio."

"Loka," I hissed at her.

She positioned her hand like a gun and closed her left eye as if she was going to shoot someone. "Isang bala lang siya."

"Gaga!"

"Totoo nga! Ang dali lang ng problema mo, ikaw nagpapalala eh," she shrugged off.

Umiling ako sa kan'ya. I don't want to go low! Murder won't solve anything at all. Sayang ang ganda naming dalawa kung makukulong lang kami. Hindi na kami makikita ng ibang tao!

"How would you know that this is about Kio?" Nangunot ang noo ko sa kan'ya.

Umirap siya at winagayway ang kamay sa harap namin na para bang obvious na masyado kung bakit n'ya nabanggit si Kio.

"Magmula nang dumating sa buhay mo iyon ay parang palagi kang nakatingin sa paligid mo." She pointed out, "P'wede mo kaya 'yan kasuhan! He's beyond weird."

Napabuntonghininga ako at tumango. I was still hesitant to admit his involvement but I don't know how to get him off from my life.

"May video siya na nakikipagsapakan si Ryker," pagsisiwalat ko.

"So?" Lotte's friend's forehead is knotted. "Ano naman?"

Ang lalim ng boses n'ya. His face is angelic so I didn't expect his voice to sound so authoritative and dominant. Hindi ko alam bakit namutla ako nang pinuna n'ya ako.

"Ayan, pati si Kiran ay naiirita na," halakhak ni Lotte. "Shit! Oo nga pala. My bad! Si Ziah pala, tapos si Kiran."

Kiran, huh?

Kiran looked at me like I was stupid. Kanina pa nakakunot ang noo n'ya at para bang nagpipigil lang siyang sabihan ako ng 'tanga'. I could sense with the way he twisted his lips that he's trying to be polite by not commenting. . .yet he did already.

"Running for latin awards siya," sabi ko sa kanila. "Baka masira yung record n'ya sa school."

"Bakit? Sa school ba siya nakipagsapakan?" sarkastikong sambit ni Kiran sa akin. His hair was a bit damp despite the whole place being air-conditioned. His gray Airpods Max was hanging around his neck.

This guy reeks of old money. Hindi na ako magtataka dahil mayaman din si Lotte. Ako lang yata ang naligaw sa circle of friends ng isang ito.

"H-hindi. . ."

"Oh, edi anong pakialam ng school doon?" Halakhak ni Kiran, halatang sarkastiko. "Bakit ka matatakot sa OSA, eh school's affair nga?"

"Gago ka, Kiran," Lotte said.

"Totoo naman? It happened outside their school, I assume?" saad ni Kiran, bahagyang nakataas na naman ang isang kilay.

Tumango naman ako.

Kiran deadpanned as soon as he saw my reaction. "Then why the fuck were you panicking over nothing? Anong pakialam ng isang private entity kung labas naman pala sa premises nila yung nangyari? And for pete's sake, even if it happens inside the school—we all know it could be covered by money. Kung wala kayo n'on, I can volunteer to cover it for you. Sobrang nakakagago naman 'yang problema mo."

My jaw slackened upon hearing those words from him. Okay, I underestimated this guy. Hindi lang siya old money. . .parang galing pa siya sa isang makapangyarihang pamilya. I'm betting on Lotte's ass that this guy is from a corrupted lineage of politicians—his attitude reeks of it.

Tumawa si Lotte. "Asshole! Hindi lahat ay nabibili ng pera."

Tumingin lang sa kan'ya si Kiran na para bang hinahamon n'ya si Lotte kung totoo ba ang sinabi nito. In this economy, it's hard to stay aligned with your morals. Kaya naiintindihan ko ang pangkwekwestiyon ni Kiran sa sinabi ni Lotte. Yet I also know that despite being the least choice of most, there are still people who would choose to stay with their morals—and I am one of them.

Lumingon sa akin si Lotte. "Pero tama naman si Kiran, Ziah. Anong pakialam ng school kung sa labas ito nangyari? Hindi rin naman ito naibalita sa palabas o kung ano?"

Doon ko napagtanto na totoo nga ang punto nila. It happened outside the premise of the school. P'wede rin naman talaga namin sabihin na pinagtanggol ako ni Ryker. Wala rin namang kasuhan na naganap kaya walang police record.

"And if the video gets leaked, we can just say that Ryker saved you from getting harassed," Kiran pointed out, even looking at me like I was stupid for not thinking that way. "Hire some fake witnesses, twist the story a bit, make sure that even the employees that were absent during that day have the same story to tell."

"Geez, Kiran," Lotte said. "Sanay na sanay ah?"

"Optics," Kiran shrugged off. A bit of his hair fell on his forehead; this man was elegant to look at. Para bang sanay siyang may camera na nakasilip sa kan'ya.

"Thank you," I exhaled. "Hanggang ngayon ay kinakabahan ako na baka ilabas n'ya talaga ang video na iyon."

"Hey," Kiran softly called my attention. "No'ng nag-sex ba kayo nung Ryker sa bahay n'yo ay may ginawa yung school?"

My cheeks burned in heat as I profusely shook my head. "W-wala! Ano ba namang klaseng tanong 'yan?!"

The music from the club can't stop us from having this discussion. Mukhang na-enganyo si Kiran nang makita ang reaksyon ko. He smirked a bit then released a sarcastic laugh before giving us his attention once again.

Kiran's tongue touched the side of his cheeks. Lumingon siya sa akin at nagtaas ng isang kilay. "There, you have your answer. Walang pakialam yung school sa kung anumang gawin n'yo kung labas ito sa mismong lugar kung saan nakatayo yung eskwelahan n'yo. As long as it's not written in your school's handbook, I doubt that they'll try to chastise you over it."

"Yes, pero yung video—"

"Is it really the video though?" Kiran stared at me, like he knew something that others can't see.

Napalunok ako. "Oo naman. . .takot lang ako na masira ang reputasyon n'ya—"

"Why do you care?" sabat ni Kiran. "Kung masira ang reputation n'ya?"

"Because he would blame me—"

"Will he?" Kiran's brow shot up. "Or are you just avoiding the possibility of you being attached to him?"

"A-ano?"

"If it's just the video, we can simply hire people to delete it manually. We can even bribe the school administrator, how hard can that be? One building in donation sounds easy to me," Kiran deadpanned. "Are you just sabotaging your own relationship with this Ryker guy because of your generalized fear of love?"

"Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?" Kumunot ang noo ko sa kan'ya.

"It's easy for you to cut your own relationships for as long as it isn't emotionally risky yet," punto ni Kiran. "Yup, ang gago nung hudas na ginagamitan ka ng blackmail pero ang totoo ay gusto mo rin talagang kumalas kay Ryker? Gusto mo rin talagang tigilan ka n'ya kasi takot kang. . .ma-in love sa kan'ya?"

My lips were tightly shut. Hindi ko magawang pabulaan ang sinasabi n'ya dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na may halo itong katotohanan. I don't want Ryker to get hurt. . .but I would always put myself first before others. I don't want to be vulnerable because of him. I'd rather end it now than waste my time trying to believe that love is meant for someone like me.

Tumikhim si Lotte upang kuhanin ang atensiyon naming dalawa. Both of us looked at her because our topics were slowly drifting to what should be talked about.

"All the options that you gave sound cruel and privileged, Kiran. Hindi naman lahat ay laki sa yaman o may tatakbuhan para sa gan'yan. The best way is to confront that asshole and report him to the higher ups. Ang creepy na n'ya, ha? Mas malakas ang magiging kaso n'ya dahil sa school n'ya ginagawa ang pangb-blackmail," ani Lotte at sumimsim sa kan'yang lemonade.

"Eh si Ryker?"

"What about him?" I stated, coldly.

Kiran's lips twist into a knowing smile. "Even without me telling you what you did, alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi lang dahil sa video kaya mo siya tinanggihan."

My heart almost burst in panic. Para akong hinihika dahil sa mga paratang n'ya sa akin. I was nervous that he could see right through me. The fear was slowly consuming every fiber of my being. Sinubukan ko itong pakalmahin sa pamamagitan ng paglagok ng inumin ngunit nanatiling kumakabog ang aking dibdib.

"You're right," I slowly nodded my head. "I rejected him because the idea of love scares me. I rejected him because I'm not comfortable knowing that he was serious with me. I rejected him because I don't trust that he'll stay. . .because the only constant thing that people do is leave."

I grew up with a parent who needed to leave me for her to be able to fend our mouths. I grew up with my father leaving as soon as he heard that I was inside my mother's womb. I grew up thinking that I can't be abandoned again if I leave first. That's why my relationships were always cut short and never prolonged because I won't hesitate to leave first—and I wouldn't find it hard because I was not emotionally invested.

Kaya mas natakot ako kay Ryker. He made me think that he was worth the risk. . .he made me want to love him. Yet it's hard for someone like me to not avoid love—to not risk myself in the inevitability of being abandoned.

The tears slowly descended to my cheeks. I've been bottling my emotions since I could remember. I could never talk to someone about my feelings because no one was available for me. I've learned not to depend on anyone because I was afraid to see that I had no one to depend on.

"Hala ka, Kiran," Lotte's mouth went agape. "Pinaiyak mo si Ziah!"

Kiran widened his cat-like eyes. "Hey! Hindi ko naman alam na iyakin siya!? But. . .I do think that letting your emotions out isn't that bad."

I sniffed. "I fucked up, I know."

There was a momentarily silence. Siguro ay hindi nila inakalang aamin ko ang pagkakamali ko. Pero tanggap ko naman na baka nga. . .hindi talaga ako ang para kay Ryker. He deserves someone who would value his companionship, unlike me who kept on pushing him away.

"Ryker won't leave you," Kiran said in a hushed tone. "Because as much as you want to believe that the thing that people always do is to leave. . .we actually stay for the people we love."