*****

TW: verbal abuse, child abuse

Epilogue

I was the quiet kid. The gentle child. The perfect son. The one who doesn't make a fuss and don't throw tantrums. Kinabahan pa nga raw ang nanay ko dahil hindi ako malakas umiyak no'ng pinanganak ako. I don't even cry when I was a baby, nagugulat na lang sila na may tae na yung diaper ko pero hindi pa rin ako umiiyak. I rarely show emotions that might be trigger negative responses from my surrounding.

I was a patient child.

I never complained.

"I want to ride that bicycle!" The kid kept wiggling from his mother's embrace while pointing at the bicycle that I was holding.

I was here first.

I got the bicycle first.

Tumitig lang ako sa bata. He was taller than me. . .and much bigger than the usual kids that I play with in the playground. He towered over me a while ago before his mother tried to warn him that he shouldn't intimidate his playmates or are we even considered to be his playmates?

"Theo, stop it please," his mother begged his son to calm down as he kept on trying to get away from her grasp.

I sighed then walked near them while slowly handing the bicycle to him. Agad naman n'ya itong sinakyan. I smiled at his mother then just nodded my head. He finally stopped his annoying tantrums. What a kid—pero bata rin naman ako, ah? Why don't I throw tantrums? Why can't I act a little more child-like?

"Thank you," she sighed in relief. "Ang bait mong bata ka."

I grew up with my gentle mother, thus I grew up with her ways being my ways as well. Ngumiti lang ako nang malapad sa kan'ya. Bumalik na rin ako kay Mama na nag-a-asikaso ng meryenda ko nang oras na iyon. I went to her and snuggled in her arms as she kissed me on my temples. Nakaupo kami ngayon sa isang mat na nilatag n'ya malapit sa may playground. It was as if we were having a picnic.

"You're a good kid, thank you for always understanding others, Cal," Mama often told me. She patted my head, praising me for what I always did.

It was almost a miracle that she was this gentle knowing that she didn't come from a gentle household.

"Putanginang bata ka! Anong ginawa mo!?" sigaw ni Lola nang makita ang nasirang vase. It was an antique vase. . .and I accidentally broke it.

Nanginginig ako habang nakatingin sa nabasag na vase. Iscalade and I were playing inside their mansion. Pinaalis ko na agad si Iscalade nang magsimula silang sumigaw. I didn't want my brother to be yelled at. It was the first time that our grandparents met us and this is what happened. Dad didn't like them. Hindi ko alam noon kung bakit dahil hindi ko pa naman sila nakikilala. Pero ngayon na halos umusok ang kan'yang ilong dahil sa nabasag kong vase. . .it was as if she was going to hurt me.

It scarred me badly.

"Akin na yung sinturon!" Lolo yelled out as he saw the commotion.

My pulse raced as I felt my body being filled with cold water. Hindi agad rumihistro sa akin ang sinabi ng aking Lolo at Lola. My mother was even hesitant to meet them once again. Pero pinagbigyan sila dahil baby pa lang ako no'ng huling kita nila sa akin. My father also didn't know about this meeting because he didn't want them near us ever. Kaya ba? Dahil ganito sila?

Hindi ako sinisigawan.

Hindi ako sinasaktan.

Pero nang araw na yon ay naranasan ko ang mga bagay na tinatago sa akin ng mga magulang ko. Sinigawan ako nang sinigawan hanggang sa tuluyan akong mabingi sa mga masasakit nilang salita.

"Putanginang bata ito! Paano ka ba pinalaki nila Istelle!? Ang bobo! Hindi naman palaruan ang bahay namin! Tatanga-tanga parang nanay lang n'ya! Sana nga talaga buong buhay ka na lang tinago ng tatay mo! Ang gagong bata! Ang mahal-mahal ng vase na iyan! Kahit buong buhay mo pa ang kapalit, hindi mabubuo ang vase na iyan! Tanga!" sigaw ni Lola sa akin habang pinipingot ang tainga ko.

I continued sobbing because what else can a child do? At this point, I couldn't even see the surroundings because of my tears. Nakatakip lang ako sa tainga ko dahil ang sakit na. . .hindi na rin kaya ng damdamin ko yung mga binibitawan nilang salita. My heart was pounding against my chest and all I wanted was to run away from them.

Pero hindi ko magawa.

My knees were buckling as they continued to shout at me.

I'm weak. . .I'm not like Iscalade who can probably yell back at them. I can't even utter a word against them. Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanila habang umiiyak. Nangangati na siyang sampalin ako. She kept raising her palm at me and yelling that she's trying to resist the urge to spank me.

"S-sorry po talaga. Magiipon po a-ako pampalit. Sorry po talaga. . ." mangiyak-ngiyak kong saad. Halos nagmamakaawa na tumigil na sila sa pagsigaw.

"Tangina ka! Manahimik ka nga!" sigaw n'ya sa akin at kinulong ang pisngi ko gamit ng kan'yang mga matatalim na kuko. She pressed her nails tightly on my cheeks. "Putangina mo talaga eh ano? Manang-mana ka siguro sa tatay mong mayabang? O baka tuluyan na talagang nagbago si Istelle? Kaya lumaki kang gago!?"

"T-tama na po. . .huwag n'yo na po ako sigawan—"

"Putangina mo sabi! Manahimik ka na nga!" Lola yelled at me and threw me on the couch. Bumangga ang katawan ko sa sahig.

Malakas na may nagbukas ng pintuan. Mama came running as soon as she saw me being thrown on the floor. Hinihingal pa siya habang yakap-yakap ako. She kept muttering apologies after apologies. It was only minutes but all of the words that Lola yelled out scarred me. My heart started to race like crazy as I let out shaky breaths, trying to gasp for air.

"Anong ginagawa mo!?" Mama yelled out then started to cry. Napaupo siya upang magka-level na kaming dalawa. I looked at her and started to cry louder. "Ma naman! Sabi ko sa 'yo huwag na huwag mong sisigawan yung bata!"

"Ang tanga eh! Bakit gan'yan ba paglalaki mo!? Ang hinhin! Ang tamlay! Parang di lalaki, putangina naman," Lolo cursed out. Matalim ang tingin sa aming dalawa ni Mama. "Dapat matapang yan! Walang ginagawa kanina kung hindi manahimik! Kung sasagot naman ay sobrang hinhin! Nakakatangina eh."

"Cal. . .my love, huwag ka makikinig sa kanila, ha? Sorry, anak. Sorry. . ." Mama cried on my shoulders. "Hindi dapat kita dinala dito. . .hindi na dapat ako umasa na. . .I'm so sorry, Cal. . ."

I was still wailing as my mother grabbed me and proceeded to carry me outside the house. Kinuha n'ya rin si Iscalade na kanina pa nanglalaki ang mga mata. Hindi alam kung ano ang nangyari sa loob ng bahay. I was the one who told him to get out and never go inside as long as the elders were there. Buti na lang talaga. . .

I went for a shower and it was already bed time but my mother wasn't able to leave me alone. Tumaas ang temperature ng katawan ko at halos matamlay ako buong gabi. Dumating ang gabi na nagmamadali si Papa na pumunta sa kwarto ko. He was still in his suit and tie, mukhang galing sa isang meeting. He checked my head and neck, possibly because my emotions might have caused me to have a fever.

Tinanggal ni Papa yung necktie n'ya. He pulled it then untangled it. Nagkasalubong ang kan'yang mga kilay. He clenched his jaw upon seeing my frail state. Naiinis din ako kasi. . .nilagnat na ako dahil lang sa sinigawan ako? I was shivering so I pulled my blanket. Papa massaged my shoulders so I gradually relaxed.

Hindi na nila ako masisigawan. My Papa and Mama are here already. They can't. . .curse me anymore.

"I'm sorry, Cayd," Mama cried as she hiccuped. "Umasa lang naman ako na baka nagbago na sila. Maybe they wouldn't take it against our children. . .they're their grandsons after all."

Papa sighed exasperatedly. "That's beyond your control. Just never let them near our children again, alright? At kung ano man yung nasira ni Cal, sabihin mo dodoblehin ko yung presyo o di kaya dalawa pa ang bibilhin ko sa kanila. Also, get the lawyers ready, ipapakulong ko talaga 'yang mga matatanda na iyan. Pati ba naman bata, Istelle? Really? To stoop that low?"

"Cayden. . ." Mama shook her head. "This is all my fault. Patawarin mo sana ako. Mapatawad sana ako ni Cal. I failed him terribly."

Papa kissed Mama's head and assured by gently rubbing her shoulders. Ngumiti si Papa sa kan'ya kahit kita ko ang galit sa kan'yang mga mata.

"You did what you could do at that time," Papa said. "Huwag ka na lang talaga umasa na magbabago pa sila. They're lost cause already."

My parents never yell at us or even hurt us physically. Mahaba pa ang pasensya nila sa aming dalawa ng kapatid ko. Hindi rin kami sanay sa sigawan talaga kaya naman tulala ako ngayon. The words were carved on my skin and it still bleeds. Putangina. Tangina mong bata ka. Bobo. Tanga. I was shivering upon hearing it echoed in the corners of my mind. Paulit-paulit. Pasakit nang pasakit.

"Iscaleon!"

I flinched upon someone yelling at me. Agad naman siyang natauhan nang makita ang reaksyon ko. It was a reflex of mine. . .natataranta ako kapag sinisigawan. I tried to remain calm.

"Yes?" I asked and faced him.

"Sorry dude," humina ang boses n'ya. Tumikhim siya saka tumango. "Ikaw raw representative sa graduating council?"

"Sige lang," tumango ako dahil kailan ko ba matututunan ang humindi? It's easier to say yes. I don't have to think about an excuse to say no.

I have nothing else to do anyway.

Oh? Mayroon pala.

I was assigned to deliver some cookies because of my brother's girlfriend, si Philomena Gracia. She's nice and soft spoken so we often have the same wavelength. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano siya nauto ni Iscalade. She tends to be more dense than I am.

Yet, we're talking about Iscalade. He was our golden boy. Kapag may mga gatherings noon, madalas na siya ang dinadala nila Papa at Mama dahil siya yung madaldal, siya yung magaling sa tao, at siya yung mabilis maging ka-close yung mga kausap n'ya.

I just never fit in.

"Kuya, pa-deliver ulit," ngisi ni Iscalade sa akin at inabot yung listahan at yung box ng cookies. "Isa lang naman 'yan. Nabubulol ako sa name eh. Saka may gagawin pa ako sa school."

I scoffed, "Tinatamad ka lang eh."

"Hoy, huwag mo nga ako siraan. May gagawin lang talaga ako," Iscalade tilted his head to me. Inabot n'ya sa akin yung isang box ng cookies ulit. Tinanggap ko na ito kahit labag sa kalooban ko dahil dumadalas na ito. If it wasn't for Philo, baka matagal na akong nagtago kay Iscalade eh.

"What's the name again?" tanong ko sa kan'ya. I checked the label to see who it is for. . .Celest Haeia?

Nice name.

I adjusted my eyeglasses. Medyo malapit lang naman pala. I was not good at directions but if it's only around our area, I think I can manage.

I went there just after receiving the box. Nasa may gate lang ako na kulay puti. The house was comfortable to live in based on its structure. Pinagaaralan ko kung paano siya itinayo gamit ng mga mata ko nang lumabas na iyong tatanggap ng cookies.

She was. . .beautiful.

It isn't the type that makes you stop and stare almost immediately. It's a long lasting one. You'll be drawn to her charm until it lingers on your way home. Hanggang sa bahay yata ay dala-dala ko ang itsura n'yang halos gawing kapos ang aking hininga.

Napayuko ako agad. C'Mon, Cal! Think straight! Baka anong masabi mo! You'll be seen as a creep. Napailing na lang ako sa mga iniisip ko.

"Celest Haeia?" I tried to say her name. I wasn't even sure if it was her name!

Nanglaki ang mga mata n'ya sa akin. Her eyes twinkled. . .she really suits her name. Everything about her was sparkling like a star. Her subtle smile, the way she moved her bangs a bit, and she even offered a grateful gesture as she went near me.

"Sorry. . .wala kasing sumasagot sa gate kaya diniretso ko na mismo sa harap ng bahay mo po," sabi ko sa kan'ya kahit nanginginig ang bose. Goddamnit! Kumalma ka nga, Cal!

"A-ah, thank y-you, pasok ka. . ." She puts a hair strand behind her ear.

"P-po? Ha?" Napakurap ako nang wala sa oras. Papasok ako? Saan?

"Ipasok mo na lang." Yung ano? Ako? Saan papasok? Sa bahay? Saan?

"Dito na lang po ako," pagtanggi ko dahil nahiya ako bigla. Required bang pumasok kapag mag-de-deliver? This was the first time for me!

"T-thank you, ha? Balik ka," saad n'ya.

Nginitian ko lang siya.

Parang ayoko na maging Architect. Okay na ako na maging delivery boy basta sa bahay lang n'ya.

I was giggling like a school boy who got noticed by his crush on my way to the car. Sinabi ko kay Iscalade na tuwing may delivery papunta kay Celest Haeia ay ako na lang ang mag-de-deliver dahil malapit lang naman ako. . .well, that was a white lie.

I didn't want to be creepy and this was my first time to actually like someone. Pihikan din kasi talaga ako sa tao, I don't like meddling with a lot of them because they tend to overstep my boundaries. Mas maigi na sa akin na hindi na nila ako gusto sa una pa lang kaysa naman sa ma-disappoint sila dahil hindi ako tulad ng inaasahan nila.

Our household is known for being loud and obnoxious, our patriarch is the perfect epitome of it. However, I wasn't part of the whole ordeal. Hindi ako kagaya ni Papa o ni Iscalade.

Ayoko ng maingay. Ayoko ng sigawan. Ayoko ng pinapangunahan ako. Even if it takes slow, as long as it's my own way—I don't mind the waiting.

I met Celest a few more times. Akala ko ay iniiwasan n'ya ako dahil palaging mama na lang n'ya ang kumukuha ng orders n'ya mula kay Philomena. Yet, she managed to infiltrate my space with her courageous pick up lines and her constant way of making sure that I know that she sets her sight on me.

Pero. . .hindi ko kasi alam kung seryoso kami. She wanted me to be her boyfriend just until graduation. Any man would either like the idea because there's no commitments or be offended because they look like they're only her play thing.

Yet, I was grateful.

Among all men, she chose me.

I didn't want her to think that it would be an issue to me so I had to tell her that I wasn't looking for anything serious. Pero sakaling seryoso rin siya noon, I knew that the idea of going abroad will be shelved because I'll choose to be with her in the Philippines or any place that she would want to stay in.

I love her.

I was just too shy to tell her everything and I didn't want her to think that I was being clingy or being too much. Natatakot ako na baka nga hindi pa ako ang bagay sa kan'ya. She was just too beautiful that I can't help but question, can I ever be enough for someone who looked like the entire constellation?

Naduwag ako nang ilang beses pero sinusubukan ko kahit paunti-unti na aminin din sa kan'ya na mahal ko siya. Pero kahit pala iparamdam mo sa isang tao na mahal mo ito kung wala namang kasamang mga salita upang suportahan ang kilos mo, it's futile! Almost as if they were yin and yang. Hindi magiging balanse.

Aamin ako sa graduation n'ya.

It was what I initially planned.

Pero naudlot iyon ng isang balita na parang nagpatigil ng pag-ikot ng mundo naming pamilya. I was driving my way to Celest's graduation, dala ko ang paborito n'yang bulaklak. I even reserved a dinner especially catered for her. Nagpagawa rin ako ng cake kay Philomena. In the middle of the driveway, someone called from my phone. Hindi ko ito nasagot agad dahil charging pa ang phone ko. Another ring got my attention because it might be urgent if it's being repeated over and over.

Isang text ang nagmula kay Mama na natanggap ko. I looked at it and my system almost went black out. Parang binuhasan ng malamig na tubig ang katawan ko dahil nagising ang mga natutulog kong ugat. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa manibela.

Mom:
Kuya, si Iscalade ito.
Nasa hospital si Mama.

I wanted to go to Celest's graduation first but my instincts directed me to the address of the hospital that my mom was confined in. Doon sinabi sa amin ng Doctor ang nakita kay Mama. She was just there for a check up yet she stayed because of a cancer.

Pula pa ang battery ng phone ko nang pumunta ako sa hospital at tuluyan na itong na-deadbatt nang ako ang magbantay kay Mama. May klase pa si Iscalade, Papa's on his way, and Philomena also has her classes. Hindi ko alam paano sasabihin kay Celest iyong balita, for fuck's sake, graduation no'ng tao eh. Halos hindi ako makausap dahil ang daming bumubulabog sa isip ko.

Hindi ko namalayan na sobrang gabi na. Kadarating lang ni Papa at ni Iscalade. I was crying to them, pugto na ang mga mata ko habang pilit na hinahabol ang hininga.

"P-p'wede ba ako umalis muna? Graduation kasi ni Celest," I told them and their faces gradually turned to horrified expressions.

Nag-offer si Iscalade na siya na ang mag-drive para sa akin. I wasn't in the right state to even drive my own car. Hindi rin ako magawang makausap ni Iscalade buong byahe dahil tumatakbo ang isip ko sa ano na kaya ang nangyari kay Celest? Paano na kami nila Mama? Gagaling pa ba siya? Galit ba si Celest sa akin? Malamang siguro? Hindi ko alam.

I can't think rationally, all my tears ran down my cheeks as I try my best to form a solution. . .pero wala eh, wala talaga. Hindi ko hawak ang sakit ni Mama, hindi ko rin kontrolado ang magiging reaksyon ni Celest. I fucked this terribly.

Lumabas na agad ako ng kotse ko. Iscalade was calling for my name but I didn't budge. Papalubog na yung araw no'n, pero wala na rin akong naabutan. The faculties were even already bidding their goodbyes. Wala na talaga. Tangina.

Napaupo ako sa semento. I ran my fingers through my hair as I released an exasperatedly sigh. C'Mon, Cal! Think straight. . .putangina naman! Mag-isip ka nang maayos. Naiiyak kong sigaw sa sarili ko. Hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko pala kaya.

My heart was pounding against my chest. I had to be chased out by the guards because they had to close the school premises. Iniwan na lang daw ni Iscalade yung susi ko sa isa sa mga guardiya. Hindi ko marinig ang mga sinasabi nila. I was just too lost already in my own thoughts.

I drove to Celest's house. Madaling araw na, wala pa akong tulog. The sky was already creating a gradient color of dark blue and yellow. Napapikit ako habang naka-red light bago muling humarurot ang kotse pagkapalit ng kulay ng traffic lights. Galing pa ang mga mata ko mula sa pagkaka-iyak. Pupungas-pungas akong pumunta roon kahit para akong nalasing sa sobrang pagiisip. I was drowning in my own thoughts, I couldn't keep my head above the thoughts that were pulling me downwards.

Pagkarating ko roon ay nagiisa na lang ang ilaw na bukas. Nasa may sala na lang. I cleared my throat and tried my best to compose an evening greeting despite being in such a haze. Nanginginig akong nag-doorbell. I crack some of my knuckles to remove my nervousness.

Tanging langitngit lang ng gate ang naging ingay sa pagitan naming dalawa ng nanay ni Celest. Nanglaki ang kan'yang mga mata nang makita kung sino ako. Bahagyang kumunot ang kan'yang noo. Agad siyang umatras at isasara muli ang gate nang pigilan ko siya.

My hand got in the way of the gate. Naipit ang kamay ko dahil sa bilis ng pagsarado n'ya. I yelped in pain because of how my hand got ensnared between their metal gate. A tormented cry was let out from my mouth. Agad kong binawi ito pero nakadikit sa mismong bakal ang balat ko.

"Tigilan mo na si Celest!" sigaw ni Tita sa kabilang panig. "Umalis ka na! Bago kita ipa-pulis!"

"Tita—"

"Huwag mo tawaging tita, hayop ka! Tangina!" She cussed at me which made me spiral down to the child that I was before. . .hindi nakatulong ang sunod-sunod n'yang paninigaw sa akin.

"Umalis ka na! Hindi ka kailangan ni Celest! Pare-pareho lang kayo! Tigilan mo na siya! Hindi mo siya deserve! Umalis ka na! Huwag mo hintayin na ipatawag ko ang mga kapitbahay namin para padamputin ka!"

"Tita. . ." I managed to put my head against the gate. "P'wede po ba ako mag-sorry kahit ngayong gabi lang? Kay Celest? Sorry po talaga. . ."

"Huwag na, umalis ka na nga," huminahon ang boses ni Tita habang rinig ko rin ang pagbuntonghininga. "Hindi ka na kaya patawarin n'on. At kung mapapatawad ka man n'ya, ako ang magtatakwil sa kan'ya."

Parang piniga ang puso ko nang marinig iyon. She can't do that to Celest. Alam ko kung gaano siya pinapahalagahan ni Cel, she was the only parent that she has and she treasures. Ang sama ko naman kung pati mama ni Celest ay kukunin ko kay Cel. . .I couldn't even give her the right treatment that she deserves during her graduation.

"Tita. . .patawarin n'yo po sana ako sa pagkukulang ko. Gagawin ko po ang lahat para makabawi. . ."

"Wala ka dapat bawiin. Umalis ka na."

"Sorry po talaga," suminghot ako. "Hindi ko po guguluhin si Celest nang walang pahintulot n'yo. Hayaan n'yo po na baguhin ko ang pananaw n'yo sa akin."

"Huwag mong lalapitan si Celest hanggang di ako pumapayag," she told me in between the metal gate. Binuksan n'ya ito nang kaunti upang mahila ko ang kamay kong sugatan at may pasa na mula sa pagkakaipit. "Hanggang di ko nakikita na seryoso ka sa kan'ya, wala kang karapatan na lapitan siya."

"P'wede po ba ako sumilip sa kan'ya kahit minsan?" pagmamakaawa ko kay Tita. "Kahit sulyap lang po."

She sighed on the other side. "Ikaw bahala. Pero huwag mo siyang lalapitan."

I wanted to make it up to Celest but I wanted to also honor her mother's wish. Lalo na alam ko kung gaano kahalaga ang nanay ni Celest sa kan'ya. Palagi kong sinusundo at hinahatid si Tita at nagtatago agad kay Celest.

"Sorry kung. . .pinapahirapan kita," Tita said to me as we were looking for a perfect gift for Celest. Ang hilig ni Tita bumili ng mga bagay na hindi naman hilig ni Celest.

Hindi ko talaga alam bakit muntik na n'ya bilhan si Celest ng pink na barbie na panty. Nakakahiya man pero sinamahan ko si Tita sa mga underwear ng mga babae. Alam ko yata waist ni Cel. . .nakakahiya talaga, pota.

"Sa tingin mo magugustuhan n'ya itong skin tone color lang? Ayaw na niya ng Barbie? O kaya Dora?" Tita asked me once again. "Saan na ba mahilig si Cel ngayon?"

Sa akin? I mean dati. . .ang weird naman ng panty na may mukha ko if ever. Nangunot ang noo ko dahil sa naisip ko. I adjust my glasses by putting it on the higher part of the bridge of my nose.

"Bagay po sa kan'ya yung beige lang, Tita," sabi ko.

"Tama ka nga, ang dami mo namang alam sa panty. May kapatid ka bang babae?"

"Wala po," sagot ko sa kan'ya habang pinu-push yung pushcart dahil naglalakad siya ngayon sa mga bra. "Imagination lang po ng tatay ko yung kapatid kong babae."

"Ah gano'n ba? Ano size ni Celest sa bra?"

"C cup po si Cel."

"Ah, mukha nga," she said, forming a knot on her forehead. "Paano mo nalaman?"

"Secret po," napalunok ako. Baka mag-away ulit kami eh.

I continued my If Only You Knew file, naka-PDF iyon pero madalas kong palitan ang laman ng mga bagay na gusto kong malaman ni Celest habang hindi pa kami naguusap. I would put random memes inside it, thoughts about her, and the things that I noticed when we weren't together.

I put in on a scheduled date. Siguro naman ay okay na kami after a year o two. Para sure. . .gagawin kong two years. Miss na miss ko na talaga siya. I sighed as I continued typing on the file. . .making sure that if Celest reads it. . .she will know that I never stopped loving her.

Pero ang pagmamahal ay parang pagluluto, sabi nila. Dapat palaging balanse ang mga sangkap. Hindi masyadong maalat. Hindi masyadong matamis. I was putting a lot of actions. . .not realizing that I never spoke it out loud.

"Did you love me? Like. . .yung totoo, ha?" She asked, on the verge of crying.

Parang sinaksak ako ng punyal sa tanong na iyon. It was as if the knife was twisted inside my chest so I could feel the sharpness of her words.

"I still do, mahal talaga kita, Celest."

She nodded, then smiled at me as if she understood. "Fina-fucking-ly. Mahal mo pala talaga ako."

"Mahal pa rin kita, Cel."

"Pero di na tayo p'wede 'no? Kasi. . .I can't see myself being with someone who had a hard time telling me that he loves me."

Sumusuko na siya sa akin.

And I couldn't do anything about it.

I was watching the girl that I love walked away from me.

Pinatahan ko siya dahil tulad n'ya ay naiintindihan ko kung saan siya galing.

She finally cried then fake a laughter. "I know. . .I should have known. Mahal mo nga ako. . .pero gano'n ba talaga kahirap sabihin yun? All of your I love you's before made me doubt. . .siguro kasi kasalanan ko rin? Kasi ang weird nga naman ng set up natin?"

"Love. . .hindi mo kasalanan. Wala kang kasalanan doon. It's all me, Celest. I should have been more expressive and honest with you. Huwag mo sisihin ang sarili mo."

"You always know the right words to say. . ." Ngumiti siya na tila ba suko na talaga. "But you never told me the only words that I needed from you."

She gave up on me. Naiintindihan ko siya dahil kahit anong gawin n'ya upang hayaan akong pumasok ulit sa buhay n'ya. Ako mismo ang humaharang dahil hindi pa ako tanggap ni Tita. Magulo pa kaming dalawa. Inaasikaso ko rin si Mama habang iniisip ko si Celest. Baka nga hanggang dito na lang kami.

Tinawagan ako ni Tita upang kamustahin dahil parang nakaramdam na siya kay Celest. Agad naman akong umamin na mukhang malabo na talaga kaming dalawa.

"Sorry po talaga, Tita. . ." paumahin ko habang nasa sasakyan kami. Sinundo ko kasi siya mula sa trabaho. Madalas siyang overtime kaya naman hindi kami naaabutan ni Celest at sa pagkakaalam ko rin ay di sila madalas magusap ng mama n'ya.

"Huwag ka mag-sorry," she sighed as she shifted her weight from her seat. "Ako dapat ang humingi ng tawad. H-hindi ko alam paano sasabihin kay Cel na kasalanan ko ito."

"Hindi, Tita." I smiled at her kindly. "Wala kang kasalanan dito. You just wanted to be a good mother and looked over Celest."

"Hindi mo naman ako kailangan pagtakpan," she told me. "Mabait kang bata, Iscaleon. Sorry kung. . .naging pangit ang unang trato ko sa 'yo."

Umiling ako sa kan'ya. "Basta po. . .alagaan n'yo na lang po si Celest para sa akin," bilin ko habang ang mga luha ay nagbabadyang lumabas. Parang may sumusundot sa gilid ng mata ko. "Mahal na mahal ko po iyon eh."

"Tita Dorothy na lang ang itawag mo sa akin," sabi n'ya sa akin at ngumiti nang tipid. "Sorry ulit, Iscaleon."

I attended a Christmas party with my friends and a few family friends. May photo booth doon kaya naman pinag-re-repost ko ang pictures namin nila Audrey, Ryker, and Eastre. Nandoon din ang ilan sa mga pamilya namin. Ryker was pissing the hell out of me. Alam ko naman na hindi talaga siya interesado kay Celest. . .iba kasi ma-in love si gago kaya hindi ako kinakabahan sa kan'ya. Kakabahan lang ako kapag nakita ko na siyang seryoso. Doon kasi nalalaman na hulog na siya eh.

Si Eastre naman. . .despite him being the most popular among us, siya rin siguro ang pinakamagaling magtago ng nilalandi. Pero huling balita ko ay stylist ni Euan yung last fling n'ya. Ewan ko lang kung sila pa ba o hindi na.

I thought we already ended. . .I thought it was all over for us. . .but maybe stories don't really end. . .they always just start with a new chapter.

"Himas-himasin mo muna," Ryker told me. "Tapos dilaan mo bago mo ipasok."

"Gano'n ba iyon?" Nangunot ang noo ko. Should I take notes?

Malakas na hinampas ni Celest ang ulo ni Ryker. She came out of nowhere! Nakakagulat naman siya. Nanglaki ang mga mata ko habang nakatingin kay Celest.

"Tarantado! Ako magtuturo kay Iscaleon noon!" Celest huffed then went near me. "Kung anu-anong tinuturo mo sa baby ko eh."

Baby?

"Baby mo ako?" I asked her with a bubbly smile. Really? Baby?

"Yup," she snuggled next to me. "Ano ba yung hihimasin mo saka didilaan bago ipasok?"

"Karayom at sinulid?" I told her as I raised the material. Napakurap naman agad si Celest at namula ang mga pisngi. "I'm trying to create your name in a handkerchief. Blue ba ang gusto mong kulay ng sinulid?"

Ngumuso naman siya saka napaupo nang tuwid. "Turuan mo nga itong maging bastos, Ryker. Mukhang hihintayin pa yata ako maging menopause bago ako maka-score eh."

Tumawa lang si Ryker. Ngumiti lang ako. Label muna, Celest.

We were having a merienda over our house. Nandito rin si Tita Dorothy at magkausap sila ni Mama. Nakakatuwa lang dahil hindi man kasing bilis ng iba o kasing smooth ng ibang relasyon, dito pa rin pala ang bagsak namin.

Naglalambing si Celest sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Nililigawan ko na siya at halos isang taon na kaming nasa ligawan stage. We. . .recreated some memories of our past, now with a proper way of labeling things and what we really are. No more fake relationships. No more push and pulls. Only genuine feelings and honestly between the both of us.

"I told you. . .babasahin ko lang yung IOYK file kapag girlfriend mo na ako, 'di ba?" sabi n'ya sa akin. "Do you remember your favorite entry there?"

Napaisip naman ako at unti-unting tumango. Nakaupo lang kaming dalawa sa couch ngayon. Binaba ko yung hawak kong panyo at karayom.

"Tinapos ko na kagabi," she smiled sensually at me. "If you managed to recite the celestial entry, girlfriend mo na ako."

"Word per word?" Nanglaki ang mga mata ko.

"Yup. . ."

Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya at pinatakan ng halik ang kan'yang labi. As our lips drifted from each other. I started to tell her my favorite entry as well. Mahal na mahal ko si Celest. May this fact be immortalized and last immemorial.

"Our love isn't made for it to only stay on the ground and live on the earth. It is bound to go through the dark, experience the tiny sparklings of light, and to go beyond the celestial sky."

"Mahal kita, first boyfriend ko." Kinikilig n'yang saad. "Shit! P'wede na kita i-kama! May boyfriend na talaga ako!"

I chuckled and kissed her once again. "Mahal na mahal kita, you're my only girlfriend. You're the first and only one."

There's no need for if only you knews, I would make sure that she will always know that I love her beyond the confinement of what true love means.