*****

Chapter 36

Akala ko ay naubos na ang luha ko noon para kay Iscaleon pero halos lagnatin ako sa sobrang pag-iyak ko dahil sa kan'ya. I hate how weak I'm when it comes to him. Hindi ako matatag dahil isang sabi n'ya lang na ayaw na n'ya ay para bang buong mundo na ang nagkwesyon sa akin.

"Huwag ka naman mag-AWOL, sis," sabi sa akin ni Janice, isa sa mga kasama ko sa Finance Department. "Papasok ka na ba bukas? Alam mo naman na isa ka sa mga paborito rito kaya medyo mahaba ang bakasyon mo."

That's almost just two days!

"I'll try," sagot ko sa kan'ya kahit paos pa ang boses. "Hindi ko maipapangako pero susubukan ko talagang pumasok. Ayaw ko rin naman na matambakan ng trabaho."

"Oh, sige. Ano ba kasi nangyari sa 'yo? Dahil ba ikakasal na si ano kay ano?"

"Ay, wala akong pakialam doon," I told her, para kasing pinaparating n'yang nagmumukmok ako dahil sa ikakasal na yata yung ex-fling ko sa bago n'yang jowa na tiga-marketing. Wala naman talaga akong pakialam dahil kung tutuusin ay di ko rin naman sineryoso yun. Kung gusto pa nila ay ako na magkasal sa kanila eh. Gawin pa nila akong flower girl!

"Huy, basta, ha? Magkwento ka lang, dito lang naman kami," bilin ni Janice sa akin.

Tumango ako. "Sige na. Ibaba ko na muna yung tawag, ha? Pahinga lang ako. Papasok na talaga ako bukas."

I held my breath as I thought about Iscaleon. Kahit sa pagninilay-nilay ay hindi ko siya kayang ipagtanggol na. Ang hirap kasi kapag pinaglalaban mo yung taong matagal ka na palang sinukuan.

My friends were probably right. Dapat ngayon siguro ay itigil ko na kung ano mang mayroon sa aming dalawa. Hope is the root of my suffering; I shall not take it against him if he cannot reciprocate the love that I could give.

Ryker:
nomiii

tahimik mo these days ah

Celest:
May iniisip lang

Ryker:
hala ka

wag mo na kasi ako isipin
baka ma-fall ka lang 😥

Celest:
Parang putangina ka talaga

Kawawa atay ko sayo

Ryker:
buti nga atay lang eh

sa ibang babae
kawawa p nila sa akin 🤗

Celest:
POTA KA

Ryker:
Ang p sa puso 🫶🏻
bastos ka naman
kung anu-ano na
lang talaga naiisip mo

Umirap ako sa kawalan at napabangon na. I wonder if I could still visit Tita Istelle; hindi ko maiwasan maisip kung pinuputol na talaga ni Iscaleon ang ugnayan naming dalawa. He's being unfair for pushing me away. . .but I couldn't force him to choose me. Wala akong karapatan hingiin sa kan'ya yun.

Napailing na lang ako. Bahala na talaga siya. Hindi naman ako nagpupumilit na pumasok sa buhay n'ya ulit. Hindi na nga dapat ako nakikialam sa kan'ya dahil matagal na kaming tapos eh.

The following weeks were done as usual. Papasok ako sa trabaho, uuwi nang pagod, nasa weekends sa club o bar, tapos repeat. Para akong nasa isang pelikulang hindi pinag-isipan nang mabuti dahil wala namang nangyayari kahit umuusad ang oras.

Hanggang sa mismong si Philomena na ang kumausap sa akin. She started a conversation thread with me; tungkol lang naman ito kay Tita Istelle dahil hinahanap pa rin ako ng ginang. I wanted to visit her but my pride and ego just won't let it go. Hindi ko pa rin siguro tanggap na kaya ko pala talaga maging tanga ulit kay Cal pero siya na mismo ang pumigil sa akin.

"Philo," I uttered once we were on a phone call. Ang hirap kasi magpaliwanag sa chat dahil hindi naman namin alam ang tono ng isa't isa.

"She misses you terribly po," ani Philo habang naririnig ko ang mga hakbang. "Hinahanap ka po kay Kuya Cal pero hanggang ngayon ay walang sinasabi si Kuya Cal sa kan'ya. Wala na po ba talaga kayong dalawa?"

Maybe she isn't as dense as she seemed. Napabuntonghininga ako dahil para akong ina na magpapaliwanag kay Tita Istelle kung bakit kami naghiwalay ng anak n'ya. It was as if I was breaking a family apart. Kasalanan talaga ni Iscaleon ang lahat eh! If only. . .he would let me in again. If only he knew how much I was willing to compromise with him.

Pero bakit palagi na lang ako?

When will he fight for me?

I know he is going through a tough time but. . .why won't he acknowledge that I'm here for him?

I bit my bottom lip. He's good at making me feel unneeded—I just feel like he wasn't as immobilized as me if we're not together.

Sa huli ay sumama ako sa East Drive dahil niyaya ako ni Ryker. I wore a black body-hugging dress and a white cardigan just in case it's too cold in the area. Naka-itim na stilettos na rin ako dahil hindi bagay ang sneakers o sandals sa damit ko.

"Akala ko ba, ayaw mo na sa kan'ya?" Ryker shot up a brow. Naglagay siya ng Cuervo sa shot glass n'ya.

"Akala ko rin," I sighed. "Pero bakit parang ako pa rin ang maghahabol ngayon?"

"Huwag mo habulin."

"Mahal ko pa yata."

"Please, tawag lang ng libog 'yan." Halakhak n'ya sa akin. "Stop being available to people who won't even notice your absence, Celest."

There was a huge bile on my throat that I couldn't swallow. He was right about that—sana nga di na lang ako sumama ulit kay Philomena. The guilt is eating me because I feel like Tita Istelle will blame herself if she knew that we're not together anymore.

"Kaibigan mo si Cal," I told him, then frowned. "The least that you could do is to side with him."

"Di ko naman ma-fu-fuck si Cal, so what's the use of siding with him?" nakakalokong sagot ni Ryker, there was a goofy grin imprinted in his lips.

I once again sighed. "I just don't get him."

"You don't have to, Cel." sagot ni Ryker sa 'kin. Inilapit n'ya yung baso n'ya sa kan'yang labi. "Stop thinking about him if he's not thinking about you. It's the only reasonable thing to do."

I wished I was as carefree as Ryker. Sobrang simple lang ng mga sinasabi n'ya sa akin pero alam ko naman na mahihirapan akong gawin ang mga yun. I only wanted him to lean on me as well yet he couldn't even face me.

I fumbled on my phone, scrolled to my contact list, and abruptly texted Cal.

Celest:
IDC anymore
Bibisita ako sa mama mo
wala na akong pakialam
kung anong pakilala
mo sa akin.

I had enough of
this push and pull.

Cal:
Sorry.

Celest:
Hindi ko kailangan ng sorry mo

Naririndi na ako sa paghingi n'ya ng paumanhin para sa akin. It's just not fair that it seemed like he could just wipe all of my emotions with just his words alone.

Kinabukasan ay bumisita ako kay Tita Istelle. Ilang beses pa akong nag-rehearse ng sasabihin sa utak ko. I would tell them right away that despite breaking up—Iscaleon and I ended on good terms. They don't have to worry about us.

I meticulously opened the door, sumalubong sa akin si Tita Istelle na nakatanaw lang sa labas ng bintana. She wouldn't acknowledge Tito Cayden's appearance.

"Alam ko na sinabi mo na ayaw mo na akong makita," Tito Cayden smiled through the tears in his face. "Pero p'wede pa rin naman ako bumisita sa 'yo 'di ba?"

All he got was silence from her end. The light from the sun descended on Tita Istelle's frail face. She wouldn't budge despite the heat, hindi n'ya talaga nililingon si Tito Cayden.

My chest tightened because how could a sickness be able to separate two lovers who were already written in the stars? Unti-unti akong lumapit upang kamustahin si Tita. Tito Cayden saw me and his pupils dilated. Agad siyang tumango at dahan-dahan na rin umalis.

"I miss. . .him," Tita Istelle said while still looking out the window.

"Si Tito Cayden po ba?"

She gently nodded. "His voice would always make me feel safe and secure."

"Edi bakit ayaw mo kausapin, Tita? Nandito lang siya kanina."

"I don't know. . ." Mahina n'yang usal. "Baka sakaling mas di masakit kung matagal na kaming di naguusap kung sakali mang mawala ako."

"Tita. . ." I drew a deep breath. "Huwag naman po gan'yan ang iniisip mo."

"Pero hindi rin naman malayo sa katotohanan 'di ba?" She chuckled.

Hindi ko namalayan na halos hindi ko na magawang iangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. She was suffering already, how could I tell her that it shouldn't hurt when I know it was already consuming her entire being?

"I love Cayden so much," her tears started to trickle down her face. "The first time that I heard about my condition. . .I felt like I was a horrible person for not being careful with my health. . .and now my family is being torn apart by it."

Hindi naman gano'n ang nakikita ko. It's not like they were blaming her for having it. I could see in their faces and actions that they were just deeply concerned with her condition. I couldn't speak up to her because I didn't want to invalidate her feelings.

"Hindi mo naman yan kasalanan, Tita."

She smiled sadly at me. "I don't know what to do anymore. Should I pretend that everything is okay? When in fact. . .each day. . . I wilt like a flower without its sun and water?"

How can you console someone who's deteriorating every day? Ngayon ko lang napagtantuan na mahirap ito sa mga nakapaligid sa kanya—triple siguro ang hirap para sa kan'ya.

I was with Tita Istelle the whole day. She listened to the recent events of my life. Napapangiti siya sa tuwing nakikitang bumubungisngis ako dahil sa mga kalokohan ko.

"May balak ka bang mag-anak?" tanong n'ya sa akin. She was already facing me. Hindi tulad kanina na halos bintana lang ang nakakakita ng kan'yang mukha.

"Hindi ko po alam eh," I said. "Pero masarap daw po ang sex, Tita. Totoo po ba? Dedepende po kasi roon ang sagot ko."

She chortled, her eyes producing tears. Kahit tuloy ako ay natawa. Masarap nga siguro talaga, mukhang naka-throwback thursday siya eh. Magaling siguro si Tito Cayden sa kama dahil ilang taon na si Tita Istelle pero namumula pa rin at mukhang kinikilig pa rin kapag naaalala kung paano nila ginawa si Cal at Iscalade.

"It's hard," she said.

"Di ko po tinatanong yung private part ni Tito Cayden." Ngumiwi ako.

"I mean! Being a mother. . .is hard, Celest," she said while blushing. Para pinatakan ng kulay pulang likido ang kan'yang pisngi. This was the first time that she had a little bit of color after being confined here.

Napangiti ako. She really was beautiful. Kaya naman gano'n na lamang ang pagkahumaling ni Tito Cayden sa kan'ya. For some reason. . .I wanted to learn more about them.

"Tita Istelle. . .when did you know that you already love Tito Cayden?" tanong ko sa kan'ya. "Is it when you told him that you love him? Is it when kissed him for the first time? O yung first time n'yo pong napa-ungol?"

"I. . ." She shook her head. "I've realized that I love Cayden when I wanted to create our home together. Ang sabi ko noon ay di ako bubuo ng pamilya. I came from a broken one. . .an abusive one. . .because of that, I had a notion that having a family will only hurt in the long haul."

Napatango naman ako sa kan'ya. I didn't also have a complete family. Kaya naman naiintindihan ko kung saan siya nanggagaling. Everyone else would probably say that not procreating is a waste of life—not until you've realized that you cannot even be responsible for your own life yet. . .how could you be responsible for a child? A family?

"Cayden never pressured me," she laughed as if she remembered something. "We started to take care of dogs first. . .then I was the one who told him we should live together. . .he proposed to me. . .he asked me if I wanted children and I said yes to both."

Lumingon sa akin si Tita Istelle. "He made me want to have a family. He made me forget all the bad memories I had. . .because we can recreate memories together in our own home." She started to have tears in her eyelids. "I love him so much. He always says that he loves me more. . .but my heart bursts with the thought that we cannot. . .stay together any longer."

"Tita. . ."

"I just want to hurt him less," she sobbed and covered her eyes with her palms. "Gusto ko na hindi n'ya kailangan iyakan ang isang tulad ko. I want him to have only the loving memories of us together. I don't want to hurt him, Celest."

"But you have to tell him. . ." I choked on my own words. "Kasi kung di n'ya alam ang nararamdaman mo ngayon, Tita? He would feel that he isn't loved by you."

It's hard when you don't communicate your feelings—bottling everything on the inside will only lead you to bursting in a flick of emotions.

Naramdaman ko ang pagbukas ng pintuan, ang langitngit ng pinto ang nagpalingon sa akin sa direksyon na yun. He was wearing a black polo and he had a water bottle on his other hand. Medyo basa ang buhok n'ya at agad siyang natigilan nang makita ako.

"Ma," Iscaleon greeted his mother and went to us almost abruptly. Umurong ako para naman magkaroon siya ng space. Nararamdaman ko kasi ang pag-iwas n'ya. He looked at me then diverted his eyes elsewhere.

"Uuwi na po kami ni Celest."

I had to bid goodbye to Tita Istelle. Nandoon na rin pala sina Iscalade at Philomena upang magbantay. Sakto rin kasing Sabado bukas kaya naman walang pasok kinabukasan. I was following Iscaleon to the parking lot when I noticed his expression.

"Uuwi ka na ba?"

"Akala ko uuwi na tayo?" I frowned at him.

He frowned back at me. "Ihahatid lang kita pauwi."

Sumimangot ako. "Sinabi mo na ba na wala na tayo?"

"Hindi pa."

"Why are you prolonging it?" I snarled at him. "Type mo pa rin ba ako? Or you can't get over your ex?"

He shot up his brow. Napailing na lang siya habang papalapit sa sasakyan n'ya. I followed him again. Mas mabilis na ang mga hakbang dahil ang haba ng biyas n'ya.

"Sa East Drive ako." I told him.

"Isn't it a little late?" tanong n'ya sa akin habang papalapit ako sa kan'ya. Oo nga naman, halos pagabi na nga. Hindi ko namalayan ang oras habang magkasama kami ni Tita.

"Not really," I shrugged off. "Maghahanap ako ng lalaki."

Nauntog si Iscaleon sa passenger's seat na pinto. Agad siyang napahawak sa kan'yang noo. Napanguso siya na para bang batang pinabayaan sa loob ng mall mag-isa. I bit my tongue to suppressed my laughter. Pakialam ko kung cute ka!

"What?" aniya sa gulat na tono.

"What ka rin? Oh bakit? Di naman tayo 'di ba? I mean. . .wala namang magbabawal sa akin," I laughed at him. Maghahanap talaga ako ng kalandian! Wala namang kami eh.

Maling-mali ako.

Sana pala di ko na lang siya sinubukang i-provoke.

Pagkasakay ko pa lang sa sasakyan n'ya ay halos napadasal ako ng iba't ibang prayers dahil sa sobrang bihis n'yang magmaneho. Tangina nito eh, parang ibabangga na n'ya! Halos mapahawak ako sa braso n'ya sa sobrang kaba. Ayoko naman manalo ang pagiging marupok ko kaya hawak na hawak ako sa upuan ko.

When I left his car, tinapunan ko agad siya ng isang masamang titig. I even raised my middle finger at him. Bumaba rin siya kaya naman umayos ako nang pagkakatayo. Ano na naman!?

"What the hell? Akala ko uuwi ka na?"

"Sasamahan kita," he uttered in a dangerous tone which made me wet my lips.

"What?" I threw him an incredulous look.

"Anong what ka rin d'yan? Maghahanap ka ng lalaki, right? Sasamahan kita—kung makahanap ka." he challenged me. "Kung wala, edi ako na lalaki mo."