to zaelae,
*****
Warning: slightly explicit content

DRAFTS

To:
From: [email protected]

To my girlfriend,

The first time I saw you was the day that I hated being an introvert. I didn't mind being the silent one, the shy one, and the one doesn't stand out in the crowd. Naalala ko noon, no one would want to be my partner in class. They all seem to think that I wouldn't be able to communicate with them well and I agree. I'd rather work alone.

Our family also had a hard time when it came to me. I used to fight a lot with my brother because he couldn't understand me and I had a hard time telling him what I really felt. Bati naman na kami ngayon. But I'd figure I'll grow up alone and die with a few cats or dogs by my side. Ayoko naman araw-araw marinig na gusto ni Papa gumawa pa ng baby girl altreano hanggang pagtanda ko.

I was certain that the stars were aligned for me to grow old and alone but happy. 

Until that day; the first time I met you was the day I was glad I had eyes to see someone. Malabo mata ko pero kitang-kita ko ang ganda mo.

You looked like the first art that the heavens made. . .you were completely etched on my mind ever since day. You were part of my history. It was as if your entire being were written for me.

Celest Haeia, I fear that words will never be enough to describe how I'm deeply in love with you. The way you speak as if nobody's watching. The way your laughter is contagious. The way you always surprise me with your sudden actions. Hinding-hindi ko maiintindihan kung paano ka nagkagusto sa akin.

Aamin ako sa 'yo pero gusto ko ay sa personal. Gusto kong malaman mo na mahal na kita simula pa noon.

When Philomena asked me to deliver cookies to your house. It was a blessing for me. Kaya naman kahit busy ako noon, hindi ako tumatanggi. Akala ko nga. . .umiiwas ka sa akin dahil palaging mama mo ang naabutan ko. I didn't want to be creepy so I decided not to dwell on it anymore. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable. I was already happy with stolen glances and with your memory.

Hanggang sa ikaw na mismo ang gumawa ng paraan para magkausap tayo. I'll always be grateful for that conversation.

If only you knew how enamored I am when it comes to you. Our love will always be part of my psyche. To be loved by Celest Haeia is embedded in my soul. Mahal na mahal kita, Cel.

I don't know when I will send this email; but I hope it will never be too late to tell you that I love you more than. . .

*****

Chapter 28

Tumahan na ang puso ko nang maramdaman ko ang mainit n'yang palad na hawak-hawak ang kamay ko. He leads me to their family friends. Nakasunod lang sa amin si Ryker at mukhang ngising-ngisi.

"Nakuha mo mga pangalan nila?" Iscaleon asked Ryker. Ang sungit n'ya talaga ngayon dahil may mga bumabati sa kan'ya sa mga nadadaanan namin pero di n'ya pinapansin.

"Who?"

"The ones who made Celest cry," asik ni Iscaleon.

"No? Saka, how can you be sure that they made Celest cry?" Lumingon sa akin si Ryker.

Tikom naman ang bibig ko. Hindi agad alam kung sasabihin ko ba kung ano ang totoo.

Should I deny it? Pero tangina, hindi naman ako santa para hindi aminin na sila talaga yung tumawag sa akin ng pakarat. At saka, why should I be kind to people who disrespected me?

"Tinawag nila akong pakarat," matapang na sumbong ko. "I don't know them. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nila akong tinawag na gano'n. Why would I cover up their asses when they had the audacity to talk bad about me?"

Iscaleon slackened his jaw. Medyo nagtaas naman ng kilay si Ryker nang marinig ang sinabi ko. Nanatili akong nakatungo sa kanila. Hindi naman talaga ako mabait, bakit ko sila pagtatakpan?

"Don't worry, I'll ban them from my parties," Ryker nodded. He ran his fingers through his hair.

Umiling si Iscaleon. "That's not enough. Sasabihin ko ito sa dean ng school nila. Hindi p'wedeng di sila marunong mag-ingat sa mga binibitawan nilang salita. Nakakahiya sila."

"Or you can just ask Eastre for a favor and make sure this will be known to most people," Ryker smirked while catching up with our steps. "After all, he's not the network's darling for nothing."

Napatigil si Iscaleon na tila ba tinitimbang n'ya yung mga choices na mayroon siya. Ako na ang pumutol ng mga iniisip n'ya nang higpitan ko ang pagkapit ko sa kan'yang kamay.

"No need to do something about it," I whispered to him. "It doesn't affect me that much anymore. Nabigla lang ako."

"Pagsasabihan ko sila. . ."

"Hindi mo naman sila kilala."

"Kaya nga dapat hindi ka nila pinaguusapan nang gano'n," he snarled, his brows frowning. "No one can ever make you feel less, Celest. Kahit sino, wala silang karapatan, okay?"

My heart felt being placed in a warm bed because of his words alone. Ngumiti lang ako sa kan'ya. 

"Did you like my dress?" I tried to divert the topic. Tumingin pa ako sa damit ko mismo. I stretched the sides of my dress to show off its texture.

Bahagyang nawala ang galit at irita sa mukha ni Iscaleon. He looked at me while examining my body. He swallowed hard then slowly nodded his head.

"You look good, Cel." aniya. "Yet this isn't your usual style."

My lips parted upon hearing his observation. Really? This was an old dress though. Ang tanging dinagdag ko lang dito ay yung cardigan dahil nga masyadong revealing.

"Hmm. . ." I wetted my lips then looked at him once again. "What's my usual style then?"

"I can't explain," he said, his cheeks burning in heat already. "Basta, maganda ka pa rin naman."

Lalong kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi n'ya. "Ano nga? Is it because of the cardigan? Madalas din naman ako mag-cover up."

"I know."

Ngumuso ako. Baka nga talagang yung cardigan yung na-iba. Did it bother him?

"I thought you wanted girls who clothed more," I said, medyo pahina nang pahina ang boses. Hindi ba yun yung ideal type n'ya?

Iscaleon exhaled. "I like you in less dress."

What? My lips went agape as I heard those words coming out from his mouth. Ang totoo n'yan ay hindi ko inakalang sasabihin n'ya yun. He has always been conservative, to say the least.

Napangisi naman ako agad. "Baka kiligin ka kapag naghubad ako."

He nodded almost immediately. "Di ko mapipigilan kilig ko nyan."
Oh wow.

Marunong na talaga siya! Para akong nagkaroon ng license sa pagtuturo ng mga katarantaduhan dahil magaling na rin si Iscaleon dahil sa akin! I couldn't help but look at him sensually. He, on the other hand, refused to give an expression. Nanatili lang na namumula ang kan'yang leeg.

"Condo, later," I said.

"Hmm, 'kay," he replied briefly.

Hindi maalis ang ngiti ko sa aking labi. Okay lang kung pakarat! May Iscaleon naman! Ayan na lang ang tinanim ko sa aking isipan. I couldn't imagine myself being totally engrossed with people's opinion of me.

I don't usually care but it just caught me off guard since I don't really hear them often. Kung may opinyon man ang isang tao tungkol sa akin na hindi maganda, isaksak na lang nila sa ngalangala nila dahil hindi ko naman kailangan marinig yun. Hindi na dapat makarating sa akin yun.

Opinions that won't make you grow shouldn't be heard nor acknowledged. It's like a trash that doesn't need to be recycled anymore; ang nabubulok na opinyon ay dapat diretsong tinatapon na.

Nakarinig ako ng magiliw na tawanan mula sa isang round table. All of them had their fancy suits and dresses on. Isang pamilyar na babae ang nakasalamuha ko nang makarating kami roon.

"Hello," mahinhin na bati sa akin ni Audrey. Her hair was curled to their tips and her baby blue dress fitted her perfectly.

"Hi!" I smiled at her.

"You should eat," yaya n'ya sa akin. "Samahan kita sa buffet area mamaya kung di ka pa nakakakuha ng food."

Umiling ako. "I'm good! Thank you sa offer."

Ngumiti siya saka may dinuro na upuan. She even pulled the chair for me, creating a short screeching sound on the floor. "Upo ka rito, tabi kayo ni Kuya Cal."
Oh right. Kung kasing edad ko si Audrey, ibig sabihin ay mas matanda sa kan'ya si Cal ng isang taon. I never called Cal as kuya because it just never slipped my mind.

"Thank you," I said and sat on the chair that she offered.

"You're welcome," she smiled once again. Ang ganda talaga ng ngipin n'ya. To be honest, if I were a bystander and I had to choose between myself and Audrey—alam ko naman na lamang talaga si Audrey.

She's a SSG officer, the face of her batch and department, someone who excels academically, and a pageant winner.

If Cal and I were done. . .I hope Cal chooses her. She will be a great match to him.

"You okay? Tulala ka," nagaalalang tanong ni Audrey sa akin, her pretty face created a small crease on her forehead.

"Y-yes? May iniisip lang," sagot ko at binaling ang tingin sa kan'ya.

"You look really pretty," she said. "I'm glad Kuya Cal has someone like you."

"Inuuto mo lang ako!"

"Totoo nga!" She laughed, even her laughter sounded so genuine and carefree. "Akala namin magiging matandang binata na siya eh."

"Type mo nga eh, paano siya tatandang binata?" I scoffed.

She blushed as red as beet. "Pero di naman n'ya ako type. I don't see myself also forcing someone to be with me. Hindi ako ganoon."

Ngumiti ako. Please, Cal. . .kung di man ako ay sana si Audrey na lang. I swear that she'll take good care of you and she's someone you can be proud of. Unlike me, she already has a lot of possible things to brag about.

Buong gabi kami nagdaldalan ni Audrey. Sinamahan n'ya rin ako kumuha ng pagkain at lalo kaming naging close sa isa't isa. Now I know why I choose her to be the batch representative; she's nice and sociable, halata na bagay sa kan'ya yung position dahil marunong din siyang makisama at makinig. 

"Tinawag kang pakarat?" Kumunot ang noo n'ya sa akin. "Naaalala mo pa ba mga mukha? Susugurin ko yung mga yun!"

"Di na eh," sagot ko sa kan'ya. Grabe, umabot na kami sa topic na ito sa tagal naming magkausap!

"But please," Audrey sighed exasperatedly. "Hindi ka gano'n, okay? And if you like sex and stuff, why should a woman be modest about it? But men can flaunt it?"

Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. Sumimsim ako sa aking iced tea bago magsalita. "Even when the time passes, girls still adhere to a lot of expectations created by men. They were the ones who created the notion that girls shouldn't talk about it while men normalized talking about sex. Tingnan mo, mga magazines natin tungkol sa fashion o di kaya babaeng empowered. Samantalang half-naked na babae naman ang mga nasa front page ng mga magazines nila. It's so. . .unfair? Because if a man that's half naked was presented in a woman's magazine as the front page, there will be an uproar that we're being promiscuous."

"True, kaya never ako makikipag-away para sa lalaki," she rolled her eyes. "Definitely not worth it."

Ngumiti lang ako sa kan'ya.

We added each other on Facebook. Hindi ko alam pero nabawasan ang kaba ko sa mga kaibigan ni Iscaleon. They might look intimidating on their social media profiles but they might be great if I meet them personally. After all, our social media is only a fragment of who we really are and sometimes shouldn't be a basis of our whole personality. We don't even share our innermost feelings there sometimes.

"Cal, bebe time na natin," I rested my head on his arm. Kanina ko pa siya katabi pero nananahimik siya. Maybe he was trying to charge his social battery.

"Okay, uwi na ba tayo?"

"Yes, please."

"Ayaw mo na ipakilala kita sa family friends namin?"

"There's next time," sabi ko saka sinundan ito ng isang hikab. "I want to be with you more."

Tumango naman siya. Nagpaalam kami kay Ryker na busy makipag-usap sa isang babae. Ryker nodded at us before giving me a small smirk. Si Eastre ang nagulat ako nang ipakilala sa akin ni Iscaleon. He's the Eastre Zaguirre for pete's sake! Marami siyang kausap kaya ngumiti lang siya sa amin. Grabe, tropa ni Iscaleon yun? He's the standard when it comes to a good Instagram feed. Halos lahat ng feeling pogi na kilala ko ay siya ang peg pagdating sa pananamit.

Bumaba na kami papuntang parking lot at hinanap ang kotse ni Cal. He did his usual routine of letting me in first before going to the driver's seat. Iscaleon drove to his condo and as soon as he managed to open the door of his unit, agad n'ya akong hinatak mula sa baywang upang halikan.

Our lips were crashing and movements were made. Hinahabol ko ang hininga ko habang patuloy lang si Iscaleon sa paghubad ng sarili n'yang damit. He started to untangle his tie.

"Cal. . ." I moaned through our kisses. "Wait. . ."

"Daming sagabal kanina," iritadong komento n'ya habang papunta na kami sa kama n'ya.

"You're so pretty," he complimented.

"Cal. . ."

"So funny. . ." he trailed on as his kisses were more gentle on my skin. "So understanding, so kind. . ."

"Wala ba diyan so matalino?"

"So smart. . ."

"Babagsakin nga ako!"

"Failure in grades doesn't mean you're not smart," giit n'ya. "And you even haven't got your final grade yet."

I fell on his bed and he immediately followed suit. Nasa pagitan siya ng mga hita ko habang malalim ang bawat halik n'ya sa akin.

"What's with the sudden compliments?"

"I want to replace this day in your memory," he kissed my forehead. "I won't let you have a bad day when you're with me."

He was complimenting me so I wouldn't remember I was called 'pakarat' today? Hindi ko alam kung bakit natigilan ako roon.

"Cel, part your legs more," mahinhin n'yang utos sa akin. He was holding my thighs as he said those words. Nahihiya ko siyang sinunod.

"S-sorry. . ."

"It's okay," he gently said.

Di ko alam pero parang ako yung tumitiklop dahil first time ko yata ito!?

"May dala ka bang ano?" nahihiyang tanong ko sa kan'ya. Malandi lang ako pero wala pa sa mga kagustuhan ko ang maging batang ina!

"Hm?"

"Rubber?"

Kaswal na tumango siya. "Yup."

"O-okay, sino ba maglalagay? Ako ba?"

His beautiful face created a crease on his forehead as his nose scrunched. "Ng ano?"

"Di ba tayo maga-ano. . ."

"Ano. . ." Iscaleon trailed off. Bumalik na naman ang leon sa pagiging tupa, putangina naman!

"Yung ano?"

"Ano?"

"Ano ba balak mo kanina?"

"Oh," Iscaleon gasped a bit, his lips parting and his cheeks burned in shame. "Nagka-amnesia yata ako. Di ko matandaan?"

Napanguso ako. "Dapat pala di na ako nagtanong!"

He chuckled sexily as he planted kisses around my face. He stopped on my chin. "But I do know that foreplays are needed before doing the main thing. . .let's practice with that first."