to arie,
*****
Messenger
Mom

Mom:
You won't come home?

Iscaleon:
Di po muna.
Bantayan ko lang po
muna si Celest.

Mom:
Did something happen ba?

Iscaleon:
She needs someone to talk to.

Mom:
I'm glad your father taught you
how to listen 🥺

And thank you for being there
for Celest :( she probably did need you.

Iscaleon:
She just doesn't know, mom.
But I need her more than she needs me.

If only she knew.

*****

Chapter 20

Bigla ako nalunod sa hiya nang maramdaman ang malambot na kama ni Iscaleon. I was covered in his bed sheets and was currently soaked in his scent, the floral and peaches making way to my nostrils.

Kanina pa ako nagpapanggap na tulog dahil ramdam ko pa rin ang kamay n'ya sa buhok ko. He was caressing my hair as I flipped side to side. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya haharapin matapos ang pag-be-breakdown ko sa kan'ya kahapon. I slept in his condo. Natulog lang! Talaga.

"Do you want to eat breakfast na ba?" Iscaleon asked, patuloy pa rin sa pagsuklay ng buhok ko gamit ng kan'yang mga daliri.

"Tulog pa ako," sagot ko sa kan'ya.

I heard him chuckling, his low yet soft spoken voice reverberated through the room. Lalo kong sinuksok ang sarili ko sa kan'yang mga unan. Apat yata yung unan nito eh, hindi pa kasama yung mahahabang unan.

"Okay," he said. "Magluluto ba ako o may gusto kang kainin?"

"Kung ikaw gusto kong kainin, papayag ka ba?" pilyang tanong ko.

"Malay mo?"

Napatayo ako. Magulo ang buhok pero may ngisi agad sa labi. "Shit, tara na!"

Iscaleon's eyes widened a fraction then his sight slowly descended to the bed sheets as if it was the most fascinating thing in the room.

"Joke lang."

"Walang joke-joke sa akin!"

"Are you okay na?" biglang tanong n'ya kaya naman naiwan sa ere ang ngiti ko. Hindi ko agad tuloy nasagot ang tanong n'ya.

"Honestly? No," sabi ko sa kan'ya.

Bahagya akong natawa at sumandal sa headrest ng kan'yang kama. There was a momentary silence before I spoke.

"I always feel not good enough. There are days that I would look in the mirror and think. . .aren't I going to be more than this? Hanggang dito na lang ba ako? Bukod sa mga relatives ko, sa mga lalaking di ako kayang ligawan, at sa mga taong may ayaw sa akin—a part of me feels that I wouldn't be able to get proper validation even from myself. I'll always be 'p'wede na' never 'the one' for them and even to myself."

It's hard to not get insecure when all the good things you wouldn't have are presented right in front of you. Oo, maganda naman ako. Pero may mas maganda sa akin. Oo, di naman ako bobo. Pero may mas matalino sa akin. Oo, di naman ako mahirap mahalin, pero mas worth it ligawan yung iba kaysa sa akin. There's just this notion that I believe in; that no matter how I tried, I wouldn't be good enough for anyone for them to consider me as their lover.

Kahit nga itong kay Iscaleon eh; halos pinilit ko pa siya para lang maging boyfriend ko. And after graduation, he goes back to his usual routine and will probably have a new girlfriend. Tapos ako? Baon-baon ko ang alaala na iniwan n'ya sa akin.

"Kanino mo ba kinukumpara sarili mo?"

"For one," I sighed then started to enumerate the people that I remember. "Si Temari."

"Si Alcazar?"

"Kilala mo?"

"Blockmate ko," he said. "Irregular student siya."

"Ayun," I continued then started to fold his bedsheets to distract myself from completely showing emotions.  "Si Temari kasi siya yung niligawan ng dating kalandian ko. Alam mo yun? Parang biglang dumating si Temari tapos biglang wala ng kami? Ayoko naman maghabol kasi, ako naman yung pumayag na landian lang. Ang sa akin lang naman; bakit si Temari, nagawang ligawan at seryosohin? Parang baka. . .may mali sa akin?"

"Walang mali sa 'yo."

"Pero bakit kayang maging seryoso sa iba pero sa akin? Hindi?" My voice croaked. "It's hard to believe words when the actions are not aligned, Cal."

"You are good enough," Cal slowly reached for my hand. Bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko. Pinanood ko kung paano n'ya unti-unting pinatakan ng halik ang aking kamay.

Nanatiling nakatingin ang mga mata n'ya sa akin. My lips parted as I looked back at him.

"Hindi lang siya yung tao na para sa 'yo. Hindi lang yun yung pagkakataon na para sa 'yo. Para ka sa ibang tao, Cel. Para ka sa mas magandang pagkakataon."

"Right. . ."

"The thing is, you compare yourself to people who have what you want but then as time reaps you will realize that you didn't need what they have at all—you are meant for something more and something that's destined for you."

"Masama nga na kinukumpara ko ang sarili ko sa iba," I said.

Umiling si Iscaleon. "It's inevitable. Pero tandaan mo lang na hindi lahat ng nakikita mo ay totoo. You might think that Temari is having the time of her life but in reality she is just as struggling as you. People won't let you see the negative part of their lives; so it's natural for us to envy the positive sides of their story—kasi yun lang naman nakikita natin."

"Tama ka naman," I agreed. "Pero kumpara sa mga magagandang nangyari sa kan'ya. Parang wala pang ¼ ang sa akin. Di pa rin kami pareho."

"You have me," Iscaleon puckered his lips then looked at me shyly. "Temari doesn't have me. Life is unfairly fair in that way."

"Cocky mo ah," I commented as a smirk spreads in my lips.

"Why would you want to see my co—" Iscaleon stopped mid-sentence. Pareho kaming natulala. Mali ba pagkakarinig n'ya? He was red as a beet as I laughed uproariously. Napahawak ako sa tiyan ko sa sobrang halakhak. Umiling-iling ako habang may pumupuslit na luha mula sa aking mga mata.

"Bastos mo naman," I teased.

"I'm sorry," he apologized with his soft voice. Di n'ya magawang makatingin sa akin. Namumula na naman siya hanggang leeg.

"Bakit mo nilalabas tit—"

"Stop it, please. . ."

"Sinimulan mo kaya!" apila ko sa kan'ya. "Tatapusin ko lang eh."

Umiling lang si Iscaleon at pumalatak. Tumawa lang muli ako at sinubukan siyang hagkan pero agad siyang umiwas. Nagulat ako roon.

"Nasa kwarto tayo. . ."

"So?"

"I don't want. . .here," aniya.

"Why? Kiss lang naman," I cleared my throat. "It's part of our contract."

"There's no clause about kissing in bedrooms," seryosong tinig n'ya.

"What's the difference, anyway?" iritadong tanong ko. Mas comfortable nga sana rito eh. Na-conscious tuloy ako kung mukha ba akong gusgusin kapag bagong gising!

"I can't," Lumapit siya sa akin upang mas maging klaro ang boses n'yang mahinhin. "Control myself here, Cel."

*****

Sa huli ay napagpasyahan namin na kumain na lang. He cooked Hainanese chicken; turo sa kan'ya ni Tita Istelle. It's cute that he has an oven in his condo. Nagulat nga ako na dalawa yung kwarto ng condo unit n'ya. It was designed to look modern with black, blue, white, and gray motifs. May iilan akong nakitang halaman malapit sa bintana n'ya. He has huge windows near the master bedroom's; nakita ko rin yung table n'ya kung saan siya gumagawa siguro ng plates. Sisilipin ko nga sana kaso nahihiya naman akong di tumulong sa kusina.

"Cal," I called him as I went near his position. "Sa Pasko ba, p'wede ako sa inyo?"

"Yes," he nodded abruptly. "Why ask?"

"Kasi. . .May yung graduation ko," I cleared the bile on my throat. "Kung di ako nagkakamali, baka ikaw rin. Sinabi lang sa akin ng friend ko kasi. . .part siya ng graduating council."

Diana announced it on our group chat. Isa siya sa mga representative eh, siya yung sa course nila.  Hindi ko magawang sabihin kay Cal ang totoong rason bakit ko sinabi yun. I just want him to know that I'm serious already with him. Baka naman. . .magbago pa ang isip n'ya. I won't take a lot of his time.

"Ah right," he nodded once again. "Part din ako ng graduating council. So, I'm aware."

"Gano'n ba?" I faked a laugh. "Gusto ko lang naman malaman kung pareho na ba tayong graduate. . .can we still be friends?"

"Sure," mapaklang sagot n'ya. "If that's what you want."

That's not what I want. Pero paano ko sasabihin sa kan'ya yung totoo kung parang kuntento na siya sa ganito? My heart constricted inside my chest. Wala man lang akong nagawang sabihin para mawala yung katahimikan na naghari sa pagitan naming dalawa.

"Bakit pala ayaw mo mag-girlfriend noon?" I asked to form a conversation with him.

"No time," he said.

"Di naman lahat ng tao ay high maintenance pagdating sa relationships," depensa ko.

"I know," he replied. "Pero para kasi sa akin, kung may mahal man ako, she deserves the best—and I wouldn't settle by giving her the bare minimum."

Right. At hindi ako yung mahal n'ya na yun. I almost scoffed but I still continued our conversation for the sake of it.

"Yun lang ba?"

"And I plan on. . .going overseas for experience," he said, almost emphasizing every word.

"Parang yung sa papa mo?"

"Yes."

Kakausap lang namin kanina pero kinakain ulit ako ng mga iniisip ko. This is also one of the things that I envy—those who have a direction in life. Bakit gano'n? Bakit parang sa akin ay walang pakialam yung buhay ko sa mga plano ko? My life keeps on fucking up my plans in life and it makes me frustrated that I couldn't even plan ahead because I know that eventually it will fucked up.

Iscaleon has a clear path in front of him. Hindi ko tuloy magawang ngumiti dahil alam ko na wala akong gano'n. Hindi kami pareho na may tinatahak na landas.

"Ayaw mo ba talaga mag-girlfriend? Pagkatapos ko?" I asked him, almost a whisper already.  Bawal ba humingi ng extension, Cal?

"Ayaw."

Aray.

Nakuha ko agad yung sagot ko. Napatango na lang ako nang wala sa oras. I wetted my lips then tried my best to fake a smile. Don't let him see that you're affected. Sayang naman kung matatapos kayo nang hindi pa graduation. Sulitin mo na lang, Celest.

"Good, ako rin kasi," I said to him. "Ayoko magka-boyfriend."

After Iscaleon? It would be hell to find someone who can replace him. Alam ko naman na parang naghuhukay ako ng sarili kong libingan sa ginagawa ko ngayon; but knowing I was able to experience my first love with Iscaleon Altreano, I can rest in peace knowing it wasn't wasted.

"Celest?"

"Yes?" Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

"Ano ang sunod sa h?" he asked randomly.

"What?" Natawa ako.

"Ano sunod sa h? Sa alphabet," he smiled at me as he was preparing the chicken.

"Ah," I started to enumerate the alphabet. "A, b, c, d, e, f, g,h. . .I?"

"Love you," bulong ni Iscaleon sa akin, before going back to the oven for the chicken.

My heart momentarily stopped beating because of it. I love you? Pero ano ba kami? Dahil pa rin ba ito sa kontrata? This is confusing me. . .and it's hard to confirm if everything will end the way it should end.