I almost died doing suicide sprints in my dance conditioning class. We had to do 50 laps of the suicide sprints. I loved dance and wanted to stay, but the teacher had forgotten her responsibility to my health, taking away my choice in the matter. I had gotten to around the twelfth maybe fifteenth sprint (too long ago for me to remember the specifics) and was having trouble with my breathing; pushed my heart too far. I asked my teacher if I could stop. She answered "no." I learned later that she said this because I " looked like the others with a red face and breathing slightly heavily."

       I continued sprinting until I no longer could. I hurt no matter what I was doing. Breathing, walking, standing; everything started to hurt. So I took the only way out that I knew, I went to the bathroom. As soon as I shut the door I fell to the ground, tears streaming down my face. My pulse was bursting, my heart almost exploding as it tredg to pump my blood through my body faster than it was able, as if to explode out of my body. My breathing was erratic and it hurt to do anything; being still, breathing, blinking, speaking, it was unbearable. My body burned horribly and wouldn't go away as I sat shaking in hysterics the corner of the room until my mother knocked on the door. Slowly she opened the door and shut it behind her. She tried to get me to tell her what was wrong, but all I could say was: "It hurts, it all hurts. Everything breathing, sitting, standing, shaking. It hurts! Make it stop!"

       I cannot recall everything that happened that day, my memory is blurry, but I recall her asking me to stand; helping me up, holding most of my weight, as I cried a she got me to the sink and turned it on as I leaned against it. I put my wrists under the cold water to calm my heart rate, and fought against my mind pulling into itself from the pain. Then my mother pulled me against her, crossed my arms over my chest and compressed me into a basket hold. I screamed and fought against her yelling "it hurt" until slowly it didn't. Afterward I had be medically cleared to attend an student ambassador trip to Canada and was therefore unable to go. I stopped dancing, and to this day am afraid to go back, because of what happened that day.

       If only I had stopped as I should have, I would still be dancing. I love the life I have now, the way I am, but I still can not help but wish to go back and change this day. I would be less closed off, a better person, more optimistic, and procrastinate less if only I could change it, but that is it... if only... but I can't.