Author's note at the end and TRIGGER WARNNINGS!!! (Maybe not really not sure. Ill make note in chapter)

Lucy's P.O.V.

Natsu insisted on walking me home.

I can just tell him my house is a different house and walk up the stairs. I'll make sure he leaves and then I can head to my real house. Hopefully the people whose house I go up to won't get mad at me.

As we were walking Natsu seemed off in thought. "Is there something bothering you Natsu?" I briefly complemented myself for not stuttering then focused my attention back on Natsu.

"No, I'm fine Luce." I stared at Natsu. 'He's a really bad liar.' He was so bad that I internaly facepalmed.

"No, really." I said stopping him and turning him to face me. "What's bothering you?"

"It's nothing really Luce-"
"Natsu." I interviened not knowing he was going to continue and still tell me.

"-It's just that I was a little bit worried about my mom."

"And why's that?" I asked, hopeful I wasn't being insensitive.

"Well it's just that she was questioning you a lot because she has trust issues. Not that she doesn't trust you! She thinks your great but she doesn't trust her own judgement so she doesn't know if she sees you as really you or not. I just feel bad for her you know? It's been like this sense my dad left. She thinks it's her fault my dad's gone even though we don't know the reason. He just disapeared. He didn't take any money or something so something might have happened ot him. My dad never came back."

"Lucky you." I whispered under my breath thinking only of my self. Realizing what I said I clamped my mouth shut and put a hand over it.

I looked up to Natsu to see him totally hurt by what I just said.

"Natsu I-"

"Save it. Walk yourself home." With that Natsu went the other way, gone in almost an instant.

(Trigger stuff just like panic attack and a little bit of suicidal thoughts)

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" I yelled kicking the stonewall that laid beside the side walk, harder each blow. I leaned against the wall and slumped down patheticly.

"Dammit!" I screamed once again out of pure anger. I've never felt something so... infuriating.

I really didn't mean it. Not one bit of it. I just ment in my sitution I would rather have it that my dad leaves. Shit! I really screwed up. Now Natsu hates me, for real this time.

After all the nice things to me how could I hurt him so badly. How could I make him it look that way.

It felt as if my chest was exploding. I struggled to breathe, as if the air just became non-existant. Even with nothing around me, it felt like to much. It was all to much. I felt as if I was malfunctioning.

'I can't breathe! I can't breathe!'

My hands were now shaking and tears formed in the corners of my eyes. Everything was numb. My heart kept beating louder and louder. Allthough everything was silent it felt as if everyone was screaming and crowding around me. I needed space, I needed quiet, I needed calmness, I needed air!

I trembled, unable to exert any other movement. My heart pounded against my chest.

'I'm going to die.'

I felt as if someone was strangling me. It was as if I was not in this world. My perception of everything felt different at the time.

This when on until the symptoms began to subtle. Still, I sat there for an hour, unable to move, thinking about what an Idiot I am.

I felt as if I just ruined my whole life.

'I should just die.'

I felt like a waste of space. Like a worthless piece of trash on the side of the road. More then that actually, I felt worse then the meaningless trash. I felt as if my existence brought negative emotions to the best of people in the world. As if I do worse by living then dynig.

Still the thought and the action were different. The action took bravery... I wasn't brave. (Okay to clarify not doing it is also a brave thing. I know it is the most painful feeling on the planet and being able to try in live with it is also a brave thing.)

I stumbled home with just the thoughts of how terrible I was. I didn't even care that my father hit me or punched me. I was just empty... No I was the opposite of empty. I was dying on the inside it was also painful. The outside is what was so empty and lacking. Like I'm stuck in some black hole.

Stumbling to the floor I layed their and sobbed. Regoing through everythign in my head to the matter of details. Thinking about every reason, until it seemed philosophical, of what an awful and pitiful failure of an existance I am, until I fell asleep.

Author's Note

So I just want you to know that I do not believe what Lucy says. I think that no one is like that. Everyone harms people and everyone does the opposite to.

I also wanted to say that if you didn't like my description I think it's really hard to describe, and it's different for everyone. I looked up the symptoms and realized which apply to me. I already knew, but I couldn't rerember unless I was having a really bad one. My symtoms differ based off of how severe it is.

For me, when I get panic attacks, I feel like I'm being choked, have a shortness of breath (smothering is a good way to put it), accelerated heart rate, sweatiness, dizziness/light-headedness, numbness, the fear of dying/being out of control, trembling, chill/heat sensations, and the fealing of being detached from oneself or reality. Now it's not like it has to be every single one of these at once but I'm saying everyone experiences it differently.

Also I tried a new way to do it because I can't really fraze my thoughts or feelings when I'm having a panic attack. I just hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Okay I don't really have a question of the day but I could make it about this. This is like not as light of a topic as usual and personal so you don't have to talk about it but what symptoms do you get when you have one? What's you're anxiety like? (Usually all the people on here have anxiety.)

Of course I have 'normal anxiety' but I was also diagnosed (professionally) with severe seperation anxiety and social anxiety which I take medication for.

The social anxiety is the point to where I have 0 friends in high school (because I can't talk to people) and have a hard time in places with people in them. Don't even start with being in front of a crowd. I've had panick attacks in front of my whole grade or class before (different years.) Although I try and calm myself or excuse myself but you can only really do that when it is a little one. I can't complain about my social anxiety though because when I relate it to my seperation anxiety it is nothing.

My seperation anxiety has caused me problems all my life. I never leave the house. If someone like my mom leaves I might sometimes have a panic attack thinking that she is going to die and never come back or something. I pretty much am the most clingy person ever (to those who I am close with which is literally my family and one person who isn't my friend anymore ;c.)

I have them at school too, like when there is something in the schedule I didn't know about or something. My phone has helped sense my family always responds. If I didn't have my phone I wouldn't be able to go to school or anywhere even if there was a set time they were supposed to pick me up.

I've had this sense I was really little. When I was a baby I would scream and cry if my mother ever left the room, and when I say baby I'm saying even when I was 6 years old I would cry if she left the room.

I would do anything to avoid school. I didn't go on a playdate at another person's house until I was in 4th grade. I can tell you I freaked out but it was 'exposure therapy.' Even when I went on a fieldtrip in 7th grade, (with preperations about pick up times and teacher support), I cried the whole way there. It is embaressing, being in 7th grade but I seriously got a problem. Even though I am in 9th grade I haven't had a playdate in over a year. I have never been on an over night fieldtrip, or summer camp. I haven't described the worst of it really or what some of my panick attacks were like but my answer is really long.

Given the social anxiety and seperation anxiety I don't talk to anyone other then my family really. I haven't had a fun conversaiton with a friend sense 8th grade. I know pathetic right? What I'm trying to say is I really don't like to say anything about stuff like this to my family sense everyone in my family has been through a lot and if I ever caused them any bitterenss I would be really upset. It's not like they don't know of my problems given my constant therapy sessions sense I was 8, I think? I've never told my (old ex) friends about my anxiety out of embaressement sense I acted tough. What I'm trying to say is I really never talked openly about this and I wrote a lot of stupid stuff because it felt good to get it out. Also, when I type stuff online it's easier to say.

Last thing I wanted to say was I really want you to understand I barley told you anything about my situation so I don't want you to assume like I pity myself and I have the worst anxiety ever and my problems are the worst and stuff because that's not what I'm saying. First off, I didn't come close to describing the severety of my anxiety/anxiety attacks. Also, I am a very fortunate person. I have the best parents on the planet. They are loving, want whats best for me in the long run, do everything they can for me, have a great personalty, and are two of my very best friends. Not to mention my eldest sister is the most wonderful being on the planet. I can't even comprehend how there is someone that great in the world and she is close with me. I have other siblings with a more on and off relationship. An older sister, who is struggling through her own problems, but for me is a bit too verbally and physcially abusive, and a younger brother who can be very nice and mature but also I fight with a lot. Jeez now I'm going on to describe my family. What I'm trying to say is that I might only voice my problems but I am one of the luckiest people and the world. And I might say I have no friends but I love my family more then anything on the planet.

Wow... Author went sharing to much again. I should start writing stuff like this more in my fanfic about myself. (I know that sounds very self obsessed but it's more a journal for fun and to let my feelings go.)

Anyways can't here what you have to say.

PLAN FOR UPDATES

So I update twice (the amount of chapters I missed) and once more as a special one as an apology. I am going to try and update by Sunday and do it once every Sunday. If you don't see a chapter done by around Sunday then I might have had something going on like flying the whole day or no electronics or something. What I'm trying to say is I might be late on some of them but I will never skip a weeks update. Even if it reaches next Sunday I will make sure to update two. I am just saying that I will not skip a chapter that I was supposed to write. Still, that being said, I am going to try my best to get things done by Sunday. Thanks guys and love you.