I abandoned my bag of clothes and collapsed on my bedroom floor in defeat. I threw my arm over my head and muscle by muscle willed my body to relax. I was getting in my head. I had no reason to believe the nagging voice of doubt in my head. Before I knew what was happening, someone slid on the floor and collapsed theatrically next to me. I didn't need to look to know that it was Jaxson.

      "What are we catastrophizing about?" he drawled.

      "My lacking social skills and uncanny ability to make everything go wrong."

     "Your social skills are not lacking."

     "You haven't seen me in public. I never know what to say. I don't know how to make people like me, to make friends."

     "Hello?" Jaxson said ridiculously, forcing my arm away from my eyes so I could look at him. He gestured toward himself. "I like you. I'm your friend."

     I huffed. "You're my guardian angel. You have to be my friend."

      "Again, not a guardian angel. And being your friend is not in my job description. I willingly like you."

      I crinkled my nose in disbelief, only to have it flicked by Jaxson.

      "Ow!" I complained, nudging him the ribs. He ignored my complaint.

      "Also, you've already made friends with Amelia's group. They wouldn't have invited you on the road trip otherwise, so quit psyching yourself out."

      I parted my lips to rebut but Jaxson was grinning at the doorway. I followed his gaze and found Aria in a blue princess dress.

      "Look!" She spun on her plastic shoes. "Leonard bought me a dress."

      Jaxson sat up. "Wow!" He pulled her forward, taking her hand to guide her into another twirl. "Does the princess come with magic?"

      Aria giggled and nodded.

      "Can you share some with Addie? She's worried about making friends."

      Damn him. He was going to use the child against me. Again. I was tempted to close my eyes to avoid innocent blue ones. Unfortunately, the blonde was already studying me curiously. Resolution marking her features, she knelt beside me and took my face between her hands.

     "You don't need magic for that," she decided. "You just have to be yourself."

     My guardian angel was cruel. Words tugging on my heart strings, I smiled for Aria's sake. "Thank you... But I don't think being myself is going to help Amelia the way she needs to be helped."

      Aria studied me again before saying, "This sounds like an adult conversation," and walking out of the door.

      "See?" I pouted while Jaxson cackled. "I scared her off."

      Jaxson groaned. "Not to invalidate your feelings but you're being stupid."

      "That's a perfect example of invalidating feelings."

      He nudged me playfully. "I know this is nerve racking and though I know that you have nothing to worry about, I'm sympathetic to the fact that you don't feel that way. But I'm starting to feel useless because I don't know how to make you feel better. I can't fight invisible monsters."

      That was the thing with invisible monsters. As much as we try, we can't fight someone else's invisible monsters. All we can do is give them the tools to win their battle.

      "Just like I don't know how to make Amelia feel better." Before Jaxson could interrupt with another pep talk, I went on. "This isn't a plausible task."

     "There's a bigger picture that you can't see yet," he said. "There are important things you're going to achieve in your journey to help Amelia. Things you'll achieve just by being yourself."

     I couldn't imagine what other things I was meant to achieve.

     "Again, with the being myself," I complained. "How can I be myself when I can't be honest?"

     "Sometimes a half truth is helpful. Be honest about your struggles and how you've felt in the past. I think you'll find some mutual ground."

     "And then comes the hypocrisy. Then comes telling her to stay strong. That everything will get better. That help is available if only she reaches out."

      "I think you can find some truth in the sense of telling her what you wished was said to you... Do you not think life gets better for Amelia?"8

       "Of course, not," I retorted immediately. "All I see is an amazing future for her."

       "And do you think help is available if she chooses to reach out? And that it very well might be helpful?"9

      "It wouldn't be easy, but yes."

      "So, that's what you try to convince her of. The rest is Amelia's journey with whichever professionals she chooses."

      "You see, I hear what you're saying, but it still boggles my mind that I had to be resurrected for this."

      "Bigger picture. Can you trust me when I say it'll all make sense?" he asked, and I nodded. "I know you think anyone could do this, but you and Amelia will have a special connection and this whole thing isn't for her benefit solely. It's for yours as well."

      "What's this supposed to achieve for me?" I countered. "You want me to regret my actions?"

      I willed my thoughts away from the weekly coffee dates with my mom that I'd miss. Away from thoughts of Amelia and her group graduating next year, when that was no longer something I'd do. I tried not to think of the things I'd miss out on based on the one difficult decision that I made. And I certainly tried to ignore the pangs in my chest of knowing deep down what I was trying to forget.

     Jaxson shook his head dejectedly, as if pained that that was my first thought. "It's up to you to decide how this is going to help you. Without my offer, I never would have met Lexi, and that's a thought I don't want to entertain. It was harsh to grow the desire for things I could never have with her, but I wouldn't give up the experience for anything. And seeing her thrive, witnessing her accomplishments has given my life a greater sense of purpose."

      What a depressing thought to fall in love with someone with whom you knew you'd have no future. Though he spoke highly of his experience, the only adjective I could summon was cruel. I was beyond grateful that that wasn't in the cards for Amelia and me. I had enough trepidation about the task. I couldn't have handled adding a romantic soulmate to the mix.

       "How's Lexi, now?" I asked. My journey had just begun, but I already feared the day I would have to come clean to Amelia. She would hate me. And there was something about Amelia hating me that twisted every muscle in my heart. "How do you even bring up something like that?" Despite my vagueness, he seemed to understand me.

      "She's still grieving. There are still days that I wish she could feel my arms around her when she breaks down in the solidarity of her dorm. She has amazing people by her side and she's building an equalling amazing future for herself. She's healing. Step by step she's finding little unicorns."

       I was sure I heard him wrong. "Little... Unicorns?"

      Jaxson nodded enthusiastically, as if his last sentence made any sense. "Like the bursary she won a month ago for a writing competition. Or Cassie the Labrador she adopted this week."

     I blinked, somehow more confused. "And this puppy is a little unicorn?"

     Jaxson nodded again. "I asked Lexi once what she would do if her soulmate died, and she—"

      My brows shot up. "You asked her that?" That seemed like a big no no considering our situation.

      "Pretty bold right?"

      "I was going to say stupid but go on."

      He threw a piece of lint at my forehead before continuing. "She said that in the face of insurmountable pain, she would cling to the idea that she could wake the next morning and find a unicorn in her room."

      I blinked again. "And what? The unicorn brings you to some fictional land with no troubles? Or does it stab you in the heart with its pointy horn?"

       "Good god." Jaxson groaned. "I hope you've never had to be the deliverer of a bedtime story. The unicorn is supposed to represent an unexpected blessing or turn of events. It's a twinkling light in dark times."

      How poetic. I'd have to find my guardian angel's soulmate's contact information for Maria. I had a feeling she'd love her work.

      "Wouldn't the metaphor be more realistic if it was something like a billionaire showing up on your doorstep with a giant check?"

      "Do you really think so?" He quirked a brow.

      I gave it a second thought and shook my head. Most of the rich preferred to buy media platforms rather than spend their money where it truly counts. "I guess you could put a party hat on a horse and make a few gullible people happy."

       Jaxson fixed me with a blank stare. "You're ruining a metaphor that I hold dearly."

      "Sorry. It's a great metaphor..." I toyed with the hangnail on my thumb, gaze darting to my feet. "Do you think I'm weak for not being able to find my own metaphorical unicorns?"

       Jaxson sighed softly, turning to face me better. "Addie, I'm going to say this again, and I need you to really listen to me." Involuntarily my eyes shifted to his. "I'm not here to judge you. I can't judge something I don't understand. And I have not once associated the word weak to your person... Except maybe when you were struggling with the pickle jar this morning."10 I nudged him playfully, lips tugged into the faintest smile. "I think you're an incredibly strong person who lost a very difficult battle. And we're here to try to prevent others from suffering the same loss."

      Others... As far as I was concerned, I was only here to help Amelia. But by his tone and words, I felt there was something I wasn't seeing... The bigger picture.

      "So, I help Amelia find little unicorns and find professional help?"

      Jaxson smiled. There was something in that smile and shimmering eyes that marked a keeping of secrets. "That's a great start." He stood up. A start? What more could there be? "I have full confidence that you're going to achieve everything you set your mind to. It's time you share that same confidence with yourself."11

Footnotes

8. It does get better. I don't know you. I don't know what you've gone through. I can't say that whatever pain you face will ever dissipate, that you will get over whatever form of grief you're facing. I won't lie in that sense. Grief will always linger, but that doesn't mean that we aren't capable of finding happiness again. No matter how dark life gets, I am a firm believer that there will always be a mean of finding light, whether that be bright high beams or the tiniest flicker of a lit candle.

9. There are a variety of mental health resources you can utilize: self-care, any hospital, family doctor, suicide phone line, online chats, testimonials, books, therapists, etc.

10. I'm not here to judge you. Nobody gets to judge your experience because you are the sole person who truly understands its depths. Professionals won't judge you. I know the idea of confiding in someone can be terrifying. You fear the judgement that stigma makes us believe is a guarantee. But professionals deal with this every day. They understand that mental illnesses are very real, and that mental health is just as important as your physical health.

11. Find time today to look in the mirror. Hold your own gaze with a love that you usually reserve for your loved ones. Even if you have to fake it in the beginning. The more you practice becoming your own friend, the more you will find the behaviours becoming natural. Confidence doesn't always rise with ease, but with practice and resilience it can become your norm.