I wasn't an extravagant planner like Amelia, but still I made an effort to ask her to hangout as much as possible. I didn't want it to seem like she was the only one making an effort, so, I invited her over for a movie night. That was the best I could plan on short notice. I baked carrot muffins, her favourite, and stole the extra blankets and pillows from Jaxson's room to make our own little fortress. It was simple but I knew that Amelia would appreciate it.

       Despite the numerous dates we had been on, I was nearly as nervous as the first. I wondered how many dates would have to pass before the butterflies flapped a little less harshly. This was all still so new to me. I had such little experience with dating, let alone dating a girl like Amelia. She had a lot more experience than me which was simultaneously reassuring and nerve wracking. I wanted so badly to please her. I wanted to mean so much more than anyone else she had dated... but then those feelings obviously came with guilt. Because as much as I wanted her to care for me as much as I cared for her, the idea seemed to be setting her up for distress. Perhaps it was better if her feelings never reached the extent to which I already felt for her.

      I tried to talk to Jaxson about it. He was helpful to some extent, because his time with Lexi was so similar to my return. I could relate to everything he said about the fear of getting too close while simultaneously worrying that he would push her away. While we could accomplish our tasks without falling in love, we couldn't achieve much if they no longer wanted to spend time with us. Some might think the kind thing for me to do would be to let Amelia go before she grew too much of an attachment but then what would have been the point of coming back to life? And a selfish part of me didn't want to waste any second spent with her.

       Overthinking per my norm, I expected Jaxson to make one of his usual unannounced arrivals to tease me into relaxing. Instead, I was startled by Amelia opening my bedroom door. I hadn't heard the text she sent, nor the front door opening.

       "Hi," I breathed with surprise, as though I hadn't been the one to invite her over.

       Amelia returned the greeting and pulled me into a long hug. Just like that my thoughts quieted. How could I overthink when I seemed to completely stop thinking in her presence?

      As though she knew that I was nervous about planning the date, she jumped right into the fort, and immediately gushed over the carrot muffins. She knew exactly how to reassure me. Giggles easing every muscle in my body, I crawled in after her. She settled between my legs with the back of her head on my chest as we chose a movie to watch on my laptop.

       She reacted exactly as I had hoped. The date wasn't a failure as I feared but it didn't take me long to realize that something was off. Only a few minutes into the movie and I was side eyeing her with curiosity. I couldn't help but notice the dark circles under her eyes, or that the laughter that parted her lips didn't reach her lashes. Many might not have noticed, Amelia had indeed perfected her poker face, but I noticed everything about her. It was difficult not to notice a poker face that I had also perfected.

      "Are you okay?" I asked softly. I already knew that she wasn't. I also knew that it was likely the last question she wanted to hear, but it had to be asked, nonetheless.

      "Oh yeah." She answered too quickly. Answering with that kind of speed came from a defensive state. It was a practiced response; a protective shield and deflection. "I'm just coming down with something. I'm fine." More empty reassurance.

      She was good but she couldn't fool someone who had been in her shoes.

      "Amelia." I grabbed her chin and forced her to meet my gaze.

      The reaction was instant, stoic face crumbling with only a few syllables. She looked at me through watery eyes. "I'm sorry." She covered her face with her hands. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

     "There's nothing wrong with you."

     She huffed in disagreement and removed her hands to wipe at her nose with her sleeve. "I have everything I should need," she explained. "A healthy loving family. Supportive friends. An education. An amazing girlfriend.... So many privileges. What gives me the right to feel like this?"

     "I used to think like that too," I told her. "I thought: if I'm the one burdening myself with this sadness why should I be allowed cry? But you don't need a reason to be sad. There are no criteria. Sometimes sadness runs deep, sometimes there isn't a blatant reason for it."

      "Some reasons are better, though," she tried to justify. "It feels selfish to feel such darkness when other people have it so much worse."

      "If I broke my arm, would you belittle me for crying?" I asked. "Would you think I was selfish for reacting to the pain?"

      "Of course, not."

      "But what about the people who have their arms amputated? If their pain is more severe, does that invalidate my pain and tears?"

      "No..."

      I nodded and squeezed her tighter between my arms. The hug only caused more tears to flow.

       "It's not fair to compare pain, Amelia." I brushed a few tears from her cheek and placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "You're allowed to hurt, even if it's not a physical pain."

      She didn't speak for many minutes. Room silent, except for the occasional shaky breath as she released the tears that were long overdue. I remained silent too, holding her as I waited until she was ready to speak.

      "I hate being seen like this," she finally hiccupped.

      "I know, but it doesn't change the way I see you," I reassured her, knowing the reassurance that I would have wanted. "Tears don't make you weak. They're not selfish or irrational. Tears are freeing. If you keep preventing their release, then you'll never be rid of the nothingness."

      I thought in the past that feeling nothing was the solution, but I knew then that I would rather be sad than feel nothing. Because sadness can be opposed by happiness, but nothingness is cold. It's dark and shallow. Nothing is numbing, and we can't continue to feel that way just because we're afraid to feel what we really do.

       As much as it was difficult to witness her tears, I felt some relief that she was comfortable enough to be honest. Healing is rarely an easy journey, but you can't heal a wound that goes unacknowledged. Amelia was starting to acknowledge her emotional wounds.