I spent the morning hiding from Jaxson. Make all the jokes he might, my anxiety was warranted. That morning was the day of Amelia and I's first real date. I haven't done much dating, let alone with a girl. This was all still so new and the pressure to ensure things went well was crushing. There would be no opportunities for seconds chances. This was my second chance. I didn't know what I'd do if the date didn't go well.

     I was a nervous wreck waiting for her text. She had told me to dress casually, an everyday outfit in her words, but I had yet to receive any more details. She gave me not hints on what we might be doing. It was safe to say that my nerves were skyrocketing, and I didn't need Jaxson's meddling, curious arse working me up more.

     Call me pathetic if you will, but I went to the extremes of hiding in my closet.

     I was just about to click Amelia's name on my phone again when I startled into my shelves. Through the darkness, Jaxson's head had suddenly appeared through my door. Through my door! All I could see was his head, other half of his body still on the other side.

     "Did you really think that I wouldn't know where you were hiding?" He asked, fully crossing through the closed door.

     I knew we were dead, but I didn't think he could actually take the form of a ghost. Could I walk through walls too? I stored the information away for that night: a potential escape if I made a fool of myself.

      "I wouldn't try it," Jaxson advised, flicking the light on, and taking a seat parallel to me in the tiny closet. I groaned as his long legs took up my space. He was such a pest.

      Of course, Jaxson's appearance marked the moment Amelia finally answered. I'm sure that he did it by purpose.

      I looked down at the notification excitedly, and then narrowed my eyes at Jaxson.

     "Don't look at me like that!" he complained. "This is my job. I'm supposed to be your emotional support person."

      I huffed. "I'm not sure about the support part. Maybe you need a new job."

     He stuck his tongue out at me. "You can say whatever you want, but I know how you really feel. You love me."

     I rolled my eyes but didn't bother contradicting him. Instead, I chose to ignore him. I had better things to focus on...like the message that I had been waiting on for hours!

Amelia: Quick hangout at Avi's place before our date? He's treating us to lunch, so he can gossip about some guy he met at the party.

      Our date... Argh two words shouldn't have made my heart flutter so much.

     "I'm not surprised that she doesn't remember the boy that Avi was flirting with at the party," Jaxson spoke over my shoulder.

      "Hey!" I complain and angle the phone away from his snooping eyes.

     Phone removed from his focus, he dropped his head towards my chest, ear down with furrowed brows. "Do you hear that?" he asked. "I think I can actually hear your heart pounding."

      I punched him in the shoulder. "So much for emotional support."

     He laughs and sits back down. "If it makes you feel better, I was a mess before my first date with Lexi."

     I cocked a curious brow. I knew the countless lovesick stories that he shared about himself afterwards where an attempt to distract me, but I welcomed the distraction. He kept yapping as he helped me pick an outfit and succeed in keeping the majority of my nerves away.

     "It's Amelia, Addie," he reminded me as I headed to answer the front door. "You two have basically been dating this entire summer."

      Thanks to Jaxson, I answered the door with flushed cheeks.

      In a plain pair of jeans and white blouse, I greeted Amelia with an awkward nod. She didn't tease me for my awkwardness like Jaxson would have. She greeted me with a smile and bright eyes. The grin on her face was all it took for the tension in my shoulders to fall.

      Per her usual, she looked amazing. In a black pair of ripped jeans and black, cropped turtleneck top, I couldn't help but look her up and down. The smirk on her face told me that she saw right through my silent look.

     Again, she didn't tease me for my lacking subtly. She didn't take advantage of the heart I wore on my sleeve. Instead, she held out her hand to guide me down the stairs and didn't let go. Intertwining our fingers, we headed off towards Avi's place together.

     "Before we go in," Amelia started. "I wanted to clarify the no secret thing."

     I smiled at her. I understood what she hadn't asked yet.

     "Tell them however you want," I said. "Have fun." There was no doubt that the group would be supportive. My only concern was forgetting to bring ear plugs in anticipation of Avi's reaction.

     The excitement in Amelia's eyes should have scared me, but I was too distracted by her thumb drawing circles on my wrist. As long as she kept doing that, I didn't care if she announced our feelings in flashing lights and sirens.

     Amelia's excitement must have transferred over to me, because as we walked down the stairs to Avi's basement, I was suddenly eager for our friends to know. We hadn't even gone on a date yet, the eagerness was strange... Maybe part of me wanted to prove that I wasn't as much of an oblivious idiot as they surely thought.

     "You're alive?" Nao teased Amelia.

     She rolled her eyes. "It was well worth the headache." The smirk on her lips earned curious gazes from all three. It was made abundantly clear that she wasn't going to approach this the subtle way.

     I took the other end of the couch that Avi was sitting on, expecting Amelia to take the seat between the both of us. Of all the ways I imagined her breaking the news, I was not prepared for her to casually take a seat on my lap. All eyes on her as she made herself comfortable, chaos only poured when she dropped a soft kiss on my cheek. I coughed on my own spit, nearly choking in surprise. A chorus of gasps and shrieking followed, and I was right to regret not bringing ear plugs with Avi's shrill enthusiasm.

     "Tell us everything!" he demanded.

     I let Amelia do the talking, mouth still dry as she remained on my lap. Just as I expected, they teased us for our oblivious pinning. They were so happy for Amelia— for the both of us. And while I laughed and smiled with them, in my twisted mind, the radiating joy on their faces only reinforced the idea that they were going to hate me in a few months...I couldn't imagine how they would understand how I could intentionally inflict so much pain on Amelia.38

      Although I was having fun, I couldn't wait to leave. It came with great satisfaction that Amelia seemed just as enthusiastic to leave when our ride arrived.

      "Come on," she pulled me up. "We've got a date to get started."

      I barely remember saying goodbye to the others, following the hand tugging mine mindlessly. Amelia had the uncanny ability to silence my mind. As if my thoughts were so preoccupied with her that there was no room for anything else.

     "This would probably be more romantic if I could drive you myself..."

     She looked a little shy, as a black truck pulled up. The muddy exterior matched the man sitting behind the wheel. The young, bearded driver wore a baseball hat and blue overalls.

     "No horse and chariot for you," Amelia sighed. "We get my cousin, Randy."

      Randy was a nice guy. He asked question after question; no silence during the drive to our mystery date. Amelia appeared frustrated that she had barely had time to utter a word. I tried not to laugh at the exasperation marking her features with each of Randy's questions.

      Randy drove us deep into the country roads. Truck bouncing atop the gravel road and potholes, we pulled into the driveway of a yellow farmhouse. A few horses roamed the fenced field that lead to the wooden barn.

      Randy exited the truck, tossed the keys at Mia, and headed for the house. "I'm not heading back to town until late tonight," he called. "You kids got all night."

      "Kids," Amelia muttered. "You're twenty years old, Randy!" He ignored her protest and disappeared behind the front door.

      Amelia grabbed my hand again, and I cursed myself for getting butterflies. You'd think I'd get used to it. I didn't think more than an inch had separated us, that afternoon.

      Wordlessly, she led me towards the barn. She had given me very little details on what our date would entail and watching one of the trotting horses my anxiety grew.

      "No horse and chariot, eh?" I teased.

      Amelia laughed and then placed two fingers in her mouth to whistle. As if she needed another talent. Even more surprising was the horse that came running down by her call.

      "Wow. So, you're a horse whisperer too," I marvelled. "Anything else I should know?"

      She chuckled. "I loved coming here as a kid. I used to beg my aunt for sleepovers." The white horse clearly recognized Mia, nudging her arm with her long nose. "This is the closest thing I could find to a unicorn."

      I smiled. "I'm a little disappointed in the lacking makeshift horn."

     She huffed and ran her hand down the mare's mane. "Believe me, I tried. My old friend, Paloma here, wouldn't keep it on."

      I smirked at the image of Amelia trying to strap a party hat on the uncooperative horse. Thinking about the horse's poor cooperation, I thought about her equal unlikeliness of following through with smooth horseback riding. I wasn't smiling anymore.

      Mia threw her head back with laughter, so quickly catching onto my sudden trepidation. "Don't worry, she's better at keeping riders on, than hats."

      I shoved her lightly. "This isn't funny."

     "Come on, Addie," she teased. "You looked so good in the jodhpurs."

      I crinkled my nose and then almost inhaled a fly when she tilted her phone my way to display the picture Jaxson had taken of me. The picture he had taken of me in the ridiculous riding outfit was now her background picture.

      "Did he put you up to this?" I reached for the phone in hopes to change the picture, but she cradled the device against her chest.

      "Of course, not. It's just a nice picture," she retorted. "And what's more romantic than horseback riding as a first date?"

      "Anything that doesn't involve my falling to my death."

      "You're ruining my plans."

      I froze. Was this really the big date she had planned? She spent so much time and effort arranging it—I didn't want to come off as ungrateful.

     "Sorry—" I didn't get to finish my apology. She interrupted me with a giggled peck on my lips. That certainly sufficed in shutting me up. One small peck and it was probably enough to keep me quiet for many minutes, thoughts vanished.

     "You're cute when you're flustered," she laughed.

     I shoved her lightly. "I don't know why I like you."

     Her grin only grew. "I'm only teasing. Everyone knows horseback riding is a sixth date vibe."

     I arched a brow. "You've got all six first dates planned?"

     "I'm up to 14 as of this morning, but I'm sure I'll get a few more ideas before the night ends."

      I smiled despite the tightness in my chest. I thought about all the dates we wouldn't have time for...I didn't want to think about that. "If not horseback riding, what are the plans?"

     She grinned, eager to share. "Come on." She pulled me away from the fence, walking towards the barn.

      She showed me around the barn, starting with the chicken coop that she barely opened because she hated the smell. She showed me around the wall of hay bales next, hay from which cats poked their heads out of. Every cat had unique names, the dozens of cats unofficially claimed by her and her cousins.

     "There he is!" She exclaimed as we rounded a corner and came face to face with a large black and white cat. The cat startled at the noise but relaxed upon assessing Mia. Despite his certain heaviness for a very well-fed cat, Amelia heaved him onto her chest effortlessly.

      "This is Puddles," she introduced. "Everyone thinks he's a grump but look at how cute he is."

      I chuckled and rubbed the cat's head. "Puddles...was that your choice of name?"

     "Yes," she huffed. "And I take pride in that. Puddles and his girlfriend Patches...She doesn't like me as much."

      "Maybe she's jealous that Puddles likes you more."

      She clicked her teeth with a finger gun. "I knew you'd get it."

     She held onto Puddles until we reached the end of the barn, where I found four large stalls. Three of the four were open and I assumed the other horses were out with Paloma in the field.

      She quieted significantly as we approached the closed stall. "Once again, I couldn't give you the actual birth, but you'll probably like this more."

      The initial apprehension that ensued from her sudden quietness disappeared and I flashed my teeth. My mind went to one thing: baby horse! And suddenly I was excited. Behind her, standing on the tip of my toes to look over her shoulders, I cooed the moment she opened the door.

      The foal was sleeping, eyes blinking open when the door creaked shut. They didn't startle, only looked up at us with curiosity.

      Amelia knelt beside the foal that she introduced as Kennedy and brushed her hand against its mane. "His mom died giving birth," she explained. "I thought we could hang out with him for a bit and help Uncle Oscar by feeding him."

      I was all too eager to help. I knelt beside her and cooed some more when Kennedy rested his head on my lap.

     Mia laughed and stood up. "Are you okay here for a few minutes? I'm going to go warm up the bottle."

     I looked up with wide eyes. "You trust me to stay here with him, alone?"

     "There's no one I'd trust more."

      And there went my heart again. I groaned. "Okay, go away, now. Before you make me feel ill, again."

      I listened to her cackle her way out of the barn and nuzzled my face into Kennedy's mane as I waited for Amelia to return.

     We spent the entire afternoon looking after Kennedy. We sat in the hay, doting over the baby until the barn dimmed with the setting sun.

     Amelia jumped to her feet. "I think we better let Kennedy sleep." She offered me her hand to help me up. "Time for phase number two of date night."

      "Phase two?" I asked with intrigue.

      Instead of telling me about it, she tugged me out of the stall as if to show me. She dragged me through the field, all the way to Randy's waiting truck.

      I thought we might be leaving until we rounded the front of the truck and found the truck bed lit up. I stepped closer to get a better look, with soft eyes. She had lined the flat bed with blankets and pillows and circled it with string lights.

     "When did you have time for this?" I marvelled.

     "I got Randy to get the bottle of milk ready while I ran to set this up," she said. "Although I had to get him to turn the lights on a few minutes ago."

     She helped me up and I made myself comfortable. The blankets were a perfect armor against the chilly wind of long empty fields. I don't know why it surprised me that she laid down so close to me. I had to keep reminding myself that this was a real date. I was pleased with the extra heat of her body against mine, amongst other things.

      We laid there for a while, in complete silence. Despite the silence, it wasn't awkward. We took in the view, with the soft whistling of wind against our ears and the faraway chirping of crickets.

      "No comment about how pretty the stars are tonight?" she eventually teased.

      I stuck my tongue out at her. At least we could make light of that night now. "No more random stories about the constellations?" I teased back.

      "Unfortunately, not." She sighed dramatically. "The plan was to do some research to impress you some more, but I ran out of time."

      "That's alright, I'm plenty impressed already. Plus, Jaxson has a strange fascination with the constellations. He's constantly teaching me new ones and somehow it always comes back to 'his girl' Cassie."

      "I think I'd have a lot of fun with Jaxson."

     I groaned at the idea of the two hanging out. Yeah. They'd have fun, alright. They'd bond over their enjoyment of teasing me. "You should have seen his face when I told him about you teaching me Andromeda's story. It was an endless mention of our story being written in the stars."

     She arched a brow with sparkling eyes. What have I done?

     "You told him about that?"

      "Yeah, yeah," I huffed. "I talk about you all the time. Jaxson teases me enough about it."

      The grin on her face almost made the embarrassment worth it. Meeting her warm gaze, it wasn't long before I forgot what I was embarrassed about. A sky full of stars above my head, but it's her eyes that I chose to get lost into. I wondered if there would ever come a time in which I could look into her eyes and not feel as though the rest of the world stills.

      "I actually got the idea for this date because I wanted to go stargazing with you." She spoke quietly but she was so close that I had no problem hearing her every word. I'm not sure when she did but she had scootched closer; cheek rested on the same pillow and noses almost brushing together.

      "Another unicorn moment?" I guessed.

     She hummed, eyes never leaving mine. "I wanted to make things right with the universe."

     I was confused about her statement until she got even closer. She wanted to fix our previous mistake. My previous mistake...We were going to kiss under the stars like we were supposed to. This was what our first kiss should have been like.

      With her thumb under my chin, she tilted my face to meet hers. The kiss was different than our first. It was surer. More passionate. She placed her lips over mine with more fervor. Her finger under my chin pulled me impossibly closer, her tongue slipping through my lips with a delighted gasp.

      From the lit-up truck bed to the stars above our heads, to the gasping need for air and perceived pausing of time, everything about the kiss was cheesy. Something I had previously sworn I'd never be, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

     We startled apart when my phone rang.

     "Hello?" I answered breathlessly. No thought to think about who might be calling.

     "How's the date going?" Jaxson asked casually. Could he not go a day without being a pain in the ass?

      "You've got to be kidding. I'm hanging up, now."

     "Sorry, I felt the burning need to call you. Did I interrupt something? Have I ever told you about the time my grandpa interrupted—"

      I hung up. I felt zero desire to finish that conversation.

    "I'm so sorry about that," I told Mia. I dared to look at her and almost recoiled with shock when I took in her flushed skin and swollen lips. She licked her lips, hungry spark in her eyes burning into my soul.

      She shook her head to refute my apology. "Probably for the best—Sorry, I got a little carried away. That was supposed to be a sweet kiss."

     I laughed despite my warm cheeks. "I think I can take part of the responsibility for that... I'm not complaining though."

      She groaned her laughter, turned on her back and pulled me into her side.

     We laid quietly, panting breaths marking a heavier silence. What did one say after a kiss like that? I struggled to keep the cheesy grin off my face and silencing my giddy giggles.

      "Do you think Randy will be mad if I draw a unicorn on his truck and his horse?" Mia asked.

     "I'd probably opt for the chalk before the permanent marker."

      "Ooh, good idea. Because I think we need to highlight this truck as our best unicorn. It's definitely my favourite, yet."

      I groaned. "You're so cheesy."

      "That wasn't bad," she said. "I can crank it up quite a few notches if you want."

      I hid my face in her neck as she listed as many ridiculous cheesy declarations that she could. I laughed against her skin, basking in the sound of her voice.

      We fell asleep with my head lulled on her shoulder, fast asleep until Randy announced that it was time to leave.

       Though the thought was bittersweet, I couldn't imagine a better last first date.

38. You may struggle to wrap your mind around the idea that someone who loves you with the entirety of their being could bring you indescribable pain by ending their life. The thought has admittedly crossed my mind as well, and I've realized that that is only because I have never reached the point of considering suicide. And I am a firm believer that our lacking ability to understand or relate to something is the exact reason we cannot judge. Mental illnesses are very real, and like any physical illness that goes untreated, the repercussions can be severe.