I spent the day with my cellphone in hand, finger hovering above Amelia's name. I typed different messages but deleted them all. I had to see her in person. But the minute I asked her to meet up was the start of everything changing.

      Staring blankly at my screen, I startled when it dinged. Hoped flared as I expected it to be Amelia. We hadn't gone a day without texting since she came out of the hospital. The silence was telling.

Avi: Party at Jen's, tonight. You in?

      I deflated and reinflated. Not really how I envisioned going about it, but hopefully Amelia and I could find some time to sneak away to talk. I hoped I could at least convince her to spare a few minutes of her time.

     Though parties tended to make me anxious, I sent him an enthusiastic reply.

Avi: Great! Pick you up at seven.

      And so, I had hours to further overthink my night. Time to stare at the wall and do nothing other than catastrophize.

     I thought the sundress Mia had voiced to love, might be a little too forward, but nothing else felt right. I could be bold.

     I held my breath as I pulled the van door open, fearful of her reaction. Would she see the meaning behind a seemingly insignificant decision?

      There was no reaction... She wasn't there. I tried to still my expression, but Avi saw my immediate inquisitiveness.

     "She's already there," he said as I took my seat. My transparency made me blush. "Her cousin picked her up."

     I tried to be casual, nodded as if I hadn't clung to his every word spoken in her name. But all four pair of gazes shot my way knew better.

     "Are we choosing to ignore that night of the poetry slam?" Avi asked, grunting when Maria nudged him in the ribs.

      "Yep." I had no other words. We'd ignore it until I made it better.

      Avi smiled like he knew of all the thoughts that had crossed my mind since Amelia's poem. "Cool." He cranked the radio's volume either with the intention of drowning the heavy silence or in preparation for the party.

      I bopped my head to Avi's playlist to keep my head empty.

      Amelia had long become the instinctual focus of my attention when I first entered a room. My gaze had unconsciously been trained to seek her out. Tonight was no different. Only two steps into the large home and I found her. But tonight, my gaze didn't spot her simply because it was Amelia. Tonight, my attention followed chaos and found its investigator.

      It took all of two seconds to assess that she was drunk, a few drinks away from completely wasted. While I had never been in this type of social setting with Mia, this was far from what I expected. I turned towards the group to gage their reactions. Arched brows, wide eyes and grimaces proved that I wasn't the only one caught off guard. Mia didn't need alcohol to be the life of the party.35 Still most people were just arriving, and she was clumsy on her feet.

      The moment she spotted us, she hobbled forward and pulled us one by one into a hug. She didn't hesitate when she reached me. There was nothing behind bleary eyes, just a dopey smile. So much for that conversation I had planned.

      "Come on," she urged us, nudging her head down the hall. We hadn't even had the chance to finish our returned greetings. "The speakers are in the backyard, plus I left my cooler out there. Drinks for everyone!"

     We followed her as usual, but I did so with apprehension for the first time. Already I knew the night was bound for disaster. Amelia led us to the cooler. An unsupervised cooler that made me even more wary.

      One by one she handed us red solo cups and pored vodka as if it was water. The drinks she was making were at least 50% alcohol and 50% juice. When she reached for my cup, I shook my head. "I'm going to stick to my regular virgin OJ tonight."

      My words flickered her gaze to mine. She looked at me properly for the first time since our arrival. The way she grinned crookedly and tilted her head softened my initial irritation. She was almost cute in this state. Worry surpassed my observations of 'cute'.

      "Good for you." She patted my shoulder. "Come on let's go play some games. Double A for the win."

     The firm grip on my forearm pulled me forward, whether I wanted to or not. I wanted to. I wouldn't let her out of my sight. She was stuck with me whether she liked it or not.

     Letting her pull me along, I looked back at the others. Their feet remained planted. They weren't following. Traitors. They trusted me to deal with the mess to follow. I had just unintentionally volunteered myself as Mia's babysitter.

     Amelia made a beeline for the beer pong table, pointing at the first passing couple to join us.

     "I'm not drinking," I reminded her.

      The boy across the table pointed his Pepsi can at me. "Ditto," he cheered. "We'll just play with water."

     "I can drink for you," Amelia offered.

      "I'd really rather you not."

      She shrugged and took a sip of her drink. My fingers itched to pry the cup out of her grasp.

      We started the game and I found myself enjoying the company of our competitors. Their teasing natures made me smile. But every drop of alcohol that slid down Amelia's throat made me apprehensive. She was drinking too much and too fast.

     Her last shot missed the table by two feet. There were snorts of laughter and arched brows across the table.

      "Oopsie daisy." Amelia giggled. She stumbled a little and reached for my shoulder for support. "Why aren't you laughing, Addie? Turn that frown upside down." She giggled when sticky fingers tried to tug a smile on my lips.

     My lips didn't move, both startled by her soft touch and irritated by my growing anxiety. She sighed at my lacking cooperation and drifter her gaze to the cup in her hand. An empty cup. A cup that she had filled not that long ago.

     "Time for another drink." She walked away from the table as if we weren't in the middle of a game. I shrug an apologetic shoulder at the couple and then went after Amelia.

     Nothing I said, none of my attempts of redirection deterred her. She poured herself another drink with nothing but giggles in response to my protests. Before returning the vodka to the cooler, she took a large gulp straight from the bottle.

      "Amelia!" I chided. I physically had to remove the bottle from her grasp, before too much damage could be done. I didn't fancy a trip to the hospital.

      "Fine." She huffed. "I'll be good, mom."

      I puckered my lips distastefully.

      She dragged me along the yard aimlessly. She weaved through different groups, unsure what she was looking for. Like a dog distracted by a squirrel she couldn't focus on a single thing... Other than her drink. She was paying entirely too much attention to that.

      Eventually stopping by the pool, she made a face at her reflection and laughed. Cheering to her portrait in the water, she chugged half her drink.

      "Amelia!" I had to push the cup away from her mouth, again. Her tongue darted out to lick the drops that escaped, but she didn't giggle this time. She huffed and rolled her eyes.

      "Am I being a downer? Do you think I'm boring?" I taunted.

      It probably wasn't fair to ask her questions like that in her state. She had drunk her filter away. I knew I shouldn't take advantage of that.

      Her response was far from what I expected. My personality always felt underwhelming next to hers. She was always having to push me out of comfort zone.

      "I think you think that you're boring," she slurred, hazy gaze coming up to mine. She stared at me a few seconds too long as if her inebriation had destroyed her acknowledgement of social cues. "I think you're the least boring I know... But I might be a little bias."

      And... even drunk she could take my breath away. I cursed her state even more; an opportunity to voice my realizations wasted. Before I could come up with a circumstance appropriate response, her squirrel brain had moved on.

      "It's so hot out here." She fanned herself. It was a nice night, but it was far from being as hot as she was making it out to be. Her flaming red cheeks was a reaction to the alcohol.

      I was on high alert before she voiced her thoughts. The way her eyes lit up when she looked sideways at the pool could only mean trouble.

      "Ooh!" She squealed. "We should go swimming!"

      This is where things would go really wrong. The group owed me big time for leaving me to handle this on my own.

     "It's a little cold for that—"

     "We can warm each other up."

      I was not going to overthink that statement. Amelia was kicking off her shoes. I groaned and searched the crowd for familiar faces that could help. I had a feeling that it might come to physically restraining her. When I couldn't find anyone and Mia's clumsy fingers reached for the hem of her shirt, I reached the last of my wits.

     "You're done," I decided for her, being as firm as in my capacity. I tugged her shirt down and reached for her cup. She let go of her shirt then, to hold her cup with two hands.

      "You've had enough," I told her.

     She shook her head with owlish eyes. "Please, Addie. It's like magic. It took all the bad thoughts away."36

      My eyes narrowed sympathetically, but I couldn't give in. I feigned excited curiosity. "In that case, can I try some?"

      "Of course, you can!"

      I almost cracked a smile at how cute her eagerness was. Cup out of her hands, I didn't hesitate to dump its content.

      "Addie!" She regarded me as though I had committed the ultimate betrayal. Despite my people pleasing tendencies, I didn't apologise this time. There was no use speaking words I didn't mean.

       Her brows furrowed as if trying to decide what to make of me. I had never seen such a deep frown. It was like looking at an angry toddler. I bit my lip in attempt to hide my amusement.

      "Why would you do—" she seemed to lose her train of thought when she tracked the movement of my lip. Her gaze lingered on my mouth and then travelled up to me eyes. "You're so pretty," she sighed. "I'm supposed to be mad at you, but your prettiness is so distracting."

      I couldn't tell if the supposed to be mad was in relation to her now empty cup or the slam debacle. She took a step forward and I tensed. She grasped my face between her two hands and stared. And stared...She was taking in every inch of my face.

     Just like that night on the bridge, my breath caught in my throat. She had the tendency to look at a person like they were the only person in the room, and it startled me when I found myself being that person. I found myself being that person more and more frequently...If she weren't drunk, we might have finally gotten somewhere.

     I blew a shaky breath when she let her forehead fall on mine. This was as close as we'd get, tonight.

      "I get so annoyed with you sometimes." She pouted, grip on my face tightening. Her breath tickled my lips when she spoke, and I wondered if alcohol intoxication could be transmitted through shared breaths, because the grass under my feet began to sway.

     "I don't get it," she complained. "When you look at me like that, the idea that you don't want me seems impossible. Your face doesn't match your words...You're too scared. Why are you scared, Addie?"

       Scared was an understatement. Overwhelming terror is what I was feeling and there were too many factors playing into that list.

      I didn't know how to get out of this. It would have presented the perfect moment to spill my guts. But there would be no secret spilling if she was only going to forget it tomorrow. When I chose to be brave it was going to be without the safety net of her inebriation. So, I did what I do best. I panicked and tossed her attention as far away from me as possible.

      "Look!" I matched her drunken enthusiasm and pointed at the sparkling lights strung across the willow tree. "Pretty lights."

     She took the bait like a starved fish. Her head swung in the direction of my pointed finger in a way that could give her whiplash.

      "Wow." She marvelled, olive eyes sparkling with intrigue. She jumped from foot to foot, tugging me towards the tree. "It's almost as pretty as you, we should draw a unicorn on it."

      I ducked my head with rosy cheeks. All I needed was for her to see my blush and cheesy smile and come to the rightful conclusion.

      I didn't think we'd make it to the tree on two feet. Amelia tumbled every couple of steps. And when she wasn't tumbling, she was swaying from side to side or leaning against me.

      She wasted no time in nabbing a pen from someone's purse. I chuckled from the shadows as she failed to draw against the rough bark. Mia was oblivious to my chuckling and the many curious glances directed her way. She persisted longer than I would have imagined. But she eventually realized that the pen was useless.

      She handed the pen back to the wrong person and shrugged my way. "I tried."

      My lips tugged into a hopeless smile.

      When she joined me again, she was followed by two others. I recognized the one girl as Mia's cousin. She looked at me with wild eyes and nudged her head in Amelia's direction as if to say, "Are you seeing this?"

       I was seeing it alright. I think I was the only person seeing it for what it really was.

      Amelia didn't initially register the new arrivals, but when she did, she pulled her cousin into a bear hug. "Hi, Lana!"

       Lana laughed at the enthusiastic greeting. "Where's your drink?" She shot a pointed gaze at Mia's empty hands. I swallowed a groan at the unnecessary reminder. People had the tendency to offer the drunkest person more drinks, as if to encourage their stupidities. As if they weren't the last person who would benefit from more alcohol.

       Amelia looked down at her hands in wonder. "I don't know." Green eyes widened comically. She was clueless. "It just disappeared... Didn't I tell you that stuff was magic?" She looked at me then. She remembered that part of the conversation, but not the part where I dumped her drink.

       "Here!" Lana held out her drink. "You can have the rest of mine."

       I pulled Amelia's arm back to her side when she reached for Lana's drink.

       "I think you've had enough," I prompted.

       "A little more won't hurt." I had to admit that her puppy eyes were pretty convincing. Every muscle in my body threatened to cave. But her persisting swaying had me shaking my head firmly.

      "You passed that point four shots ago."

      Puppy eyes transformed into a poor attempt of a stern gaze. She stepped in front of me with her hands on her hips. "I'm fine," she whined.

      "You can't even walk straight."

      She huffed a breath of disbelief and then positioned herself to what I assumed would be an attempt to prove me wrong. I say attempt because I knew failure was her only option.

     She placed her left heel to her right toes and took three steps before toppling over. Lana caught her before she hit the ground. I helped Lana straighten her, wincing under the weight of Amelia's arm draped across my shoulders.

       "I suddenly have to agree," Lana conceded. "You're cut off."

      I was glad Lana was finally in agreement, but there were too many temptations around. Someone else would succeed in encouraging her to drink all rational thought away.

       "Maybe we should get going," I told Amelia.

      "No!" she whined. "I can still have fun."

      I sighed and searched the yard to make a mental list of convenient distractions. I didn't search long. I vaguely heard Mia's mention of feeling funny. Through the corner of my eyes, I saw Lana step back and I returned to reality just in time to inch my shoes away from Amelia's stream of vomit.

      "Yep." I blinked at the vomit down at my feet. "Time to go."

      Amelia didn't protest this time. She was too busy clutching her stomach.

      "Let's go find the others," I said.

      For the first time that night I was doing the guiding. I dragged her along with me, searching for the group. Finding Avi was my best bet. I spotted his neon pink shirt in no time.

      I knew Amelia really wasn't feeling well when she didn't tease Avi for his very obvious flirting with the boy he was speaking to. Avi took one look Amelia and winced, stopping short in his sentence. "Oh dear."

      Oh, dear, was right. "Ya, she's not doing great... I'm going to take her home."

      Avi nodded. "Good idea. Let me find Maria."

      "Don't worry about it, Jaxson's out front. He'll give us a ride." I don't know how I knew he was there, but I could already picture him waiting in his car on the side of the road. "You guys stay and enjoy your night. We'll be okay."

      There was something in Avi's soft smile that made me blush. I said our goodbyes before he could embarrass me for already being whipped.

      I opted for taking the long way around the house. There would be too many distractions inside, and in the likeliness, she puked, it was so much easier to be outside. I guided her away from peering eyes and towards the car where Jaxson was predictably waiting.

       I expected to be greeted by a knight in shining armor joke, instead I found him leaning against his car with a bucket held to his chest. He handed me the bucket just in time to catch Mia's latest stream of stomach content.

      Jaxson clutched his stomach and turned the other way. "You two head into the backseat...I don't do well with bodily fluids."

      I grabbed some napkins from the dash and then helped Amelia in her seat. I secured her with the seatbelt and supported the bucket beneath her weak hands.

      "Where to?" I asked her. "Are you staying at your mom's or dad's, this weekend?"

      Amelia shook her head violently. "They can't see me like this. They'll panic. Please." Her pleading grip on my thigh was going to leave fingertip marks. "Can I stay with you, tonight? They won't worry if I'm with you. They trust you."

     I ignored the soft crooning from the driver's seat and the melting in my chest. Why did she have to be so cute?

     "Of course, you can." There was nowhere I'd prefer her to be. "I'll text your mom."

      I told her mom that her phone had died and that she'd be crashing at my place. As Amelia had said, Trina voiced no worries.

       I stayed up well into the early hours of morning, holding Mia's hair back and pumping her with as much water as she could tolerate. It was hours before she had nothing left to bring up.

      I tucked her into bed and rolled her onto her side.

      "Thank you, Addie." Her soft words were whispered against my sheets, eyelids flickering as she succumbed to sleep. "Sorry... Just didn't wanna be sad anymore."

      I was up hours more, with a steady fast gaze set on the gentle rising and falling of her chest. My own chest aching from a few slurred words. 

Footnotes

35. For the longest time, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of someone willingly choosing to spend time with me. I didn't understand why anyone would find pleasure in my company. I was, and still am, a very timid and reserved person. I've come a long way, but I remain naturally quiet. I always thought myself dull. Life of the party, were never words I would associate with myself. For the most part, I could hide how much these thoughts affected me. But these feelings became overwhelming in a party setting. When we think party, we think fun. We think outgoing, letting loose, and loud. All words I didn't think in my capacity. I thought that no one would enjoy my company without being drunk. Without the alcohol, I would be my regular dull self. I didn't want to be the party pooper. So, I drank. I pumped my blood with alcohol, with the hope that my cruelest thoughts would be silenced and I could finally act like my true self. I revelled in the feeling of people enjoying my company. I revelled in finally making people laugh. I revelled in feeling like a social person. I revelled in being the life of the party... But it was all a drunken stupor. I was so mad at myself, because I wanted to be that person at all times. And it frustrated me beyond measures that I seemed incapable of achieving that. My insecurities and self-hatred grew that much stronger. I felt weak. Inadequate. I didn't want to rely on a substance to be myself. I italicized those words, because it wasn't a true reflection of myself.

36. Alcohol doesn't take bad thoughts away. It can numb them temporarily. But they will come back, and they will come back stronger unless you try to address them. 

**Author note: Please be mindful of the amount of alcohol you consume, and signs of stirring bad habits. Addiction is no laughing matter. It is a difficult battle. I am not condoning underage drinking by writing this chapter.