My insides churned. Every bump Maria hit, van rattling viciously, lurched my breakfast higher up into my throat.

      I don't know what made me think that any part of this was a good idea. Maybe I figured the embarrassment wouldn't matter since I'd be dead again soon. But hurling on the front row of people at the poetry slam would haunt me forever.

     I couldn't decide what I was more nervous about: presenting my brewing idea for the community mental health program or reading my poem that was both confusing and enlightening.

     As perceptive as always, Amelia tried to calm me, tender fingers squeezing my thigh.

     "Your fear is totally valid," she started. Valid, but she didn't feel a sliver of it. Always so cool and collected. "But nobody's going to judge you. And Maria wouldn't have approved your poem if there was any chance it could embarrass you in any way."

      I huffed a small breath of disbelief. I'm sure they all underestimated the number of things that could embarrass me. I hadn't read the poem since first writing it. Trying to understand it was a headache.

     Maria chimed her agreement, from the front seat. "You're going to do great, Addie," she told me. "I've never been this excited for a slam."

      She was in fact restless in her seat, bright eyes looking at us through the front mirror.

     "Addie's poem is that good, eh?" Avi whistled.

     I snorted. "Definitely not."

     They ignored me.

     "I'm definitely a fan." Maria smiled. "But there's a surprise on top of hers that I think will really please you."

      Avi's brows flickered with curiosity. I missed his next expression because Mia's hand suddenly left my thigh. She turned away from me, looking out the window as something seemingly caught her attention.

      The park was abnormally packed. I hadn't seen that many people show up to any of the previous slams. Why the sudden increased interest? Was the universe trying to punish me?

      "I pushed a little harder," Maria answered my silent questions. "Reached out to a few more people. I wanted as many people to hear about your ideas as possible."

      I was both grateful and stressed. More people to witness my humiliation. Still, I smiled at her because the program was important to me. And the importance they placed into helping me warmed my heart.

     They stood behind me as I shook and presented the upcoming fundraisers, and the petitions and proposals they could sign behind the stage. I was honest about still being in the early stages. We were just kids trying to make a difference. There were a lot of things that we had yet to take into consideration. Things we didn't even know needed to be considered. I hit them with statistics and testimonials. I saw genuine interest, but there was no urgency like I felt.

     It was sad to say, that tragedy would have to hit before people really listened. We have the tendency to not act until a disaster actually strikes. In some way, I couldn't help but feel like I would be that trigger. I knew my friends would take over my ideas and pore their hearts and souls into creating something I'd be proud of. That was just the type of people they were.

    The girl whose arm brushed mine as we hobbled down the stage steps, worried me most. I didn't even want to fathom what kind of reaction she would have... I couldn't help but predict resentment. Hatred.

     "You did great up there." She bumped my shoulder and smiled. "Poem should be a breeze now."

      Not a single part of me was reassured by her words. For the first time, standing so close to Amelia brought me discomfort. Thinking of presenting my poem, my vulnerable thoughts, instilled a fear. A deep uneasiness. I realised that it had nothing to do with the crowd of ears listening. And everything to do with Amelia. She was the one I had trusted with some of my deepest secrets. But this. The way she might interpret my words burned my insides. I swallowed hard and wiped the bead of sweat trailing down my forehead.

      Worst of all, I was second to last in the lineup. Mia would be taking the last spot. It was like Maria knew the best way to antagonize me. I would have preferred to get it over with. At least with Amelia following me, I wouldn't have to watch her reaction as I made a fool of myself.

      I tried to distract myself from my anxiety by listening to the other presenters. But my focus was everywhere. I heard the chorus of laughter when Avi walked on staged, but totally missed the joke. My only focus was on a racing pulse and trembling limbs.

      To antagonize me even more, Amelia remained the picture of cool and collected. She was silent, listening calmly while I was working myself up to the point of backing out.

      Before I could make my decision, there was only Mia and I backstage, and Maria was suddenly beckoning me up the stairs. I didn't dare look at Amelia as I forced my feet towards the spotlight.

     Maria adjusted the mic to my height and whispered in my ear before stepping away. "Read that sheet of paper just as it is, and I guarantee that there is no way this ends badly for you."

       More empty reassurance, but I appreciated the effort, nonetheless.

      As if I needed one last bit of courage, something in the crowd pulled my gaze. In the very last row, Jaxson sat with a look that could only be described as pride. There was something about the ease on his features that led me to believe that I was on the right track. That this was a way of taking one step closer to finishing my task. With that in mind, I raised the sheet in my hands and started reading. As they say, you only live once... Or you only live once unless you're gifted a special opportunity.

      "Clueless. Motionless. Thoughtless.

      I'm given a pen and told to write.

      It's easy they say. Just write what's on your mind. Write what's in your heart. But how can I focus on anything when everything comes back to you? When every stroke of inspiration stems from your existence. When you've infiltrated all of my senses.

      Ever flash of color. Every flicker and sparkle of light. Every memory. Every view of the sky, from soft early light to the scorching brightness of midday, to the darkness sprinkled with glittering stars.

     Fits of giggles and cries of glee. The whistling of rustling wind. The chill of rain drops on my skin. Every breath of air filling my lungs. Smiles and flickers of emotion.

      Everything comes back to you.

      And to mix them all together. To feel the electricity of your skin stroking mine when your gaze fixates on mine and the smell of your shampoo fills the air. It's enough to short-circuit my brain.

     You. There's only you. Everything else fades.

     There's only you, but I'm still lost. I'm baffled by the speed in which you've infiltrated my mind. And most of all confused by what it all means..."

      I walked off the staff as soon as possible. No care to try to differ people's reactions. I walked to where the group was sitting, with my thoughts on pause. I sat next to Avi, aware of three knowing smirks that implied they knew the you in my poem.

     Luckily there was no time for teasing. It was Amelia's turn to take the stage. I expected her gaze to find me. I expected a non-verbal reaction to my performance. I was waiting for a reaction of some sort. Hoping it would be oblivious teasing over disgust or discomfort. Instead of anything I had imagined she was...nervous? Gone was the cool and collected girl I had seen mere minutes ago. The tension was obvious in every single muscle of her body. I saw the way she wiped her hand on her pants, likely to remove their moisture. I saw the bob in her throat as she swallowed a gulp of air. I forgot about my latest embarrassment and frowned.

     "Weird..." Avi mumbled beside me. He leaned forward and squinted at the stage in silent inquiry. "Who is that and what did they do with Amelia no shit's given Taylor?"

     With one shaky hand on the mic and the other clutching her own sheet, we were soon to find out.

     "Day after day you do the same thing. You fall into routine. You learn to expect the same things with few variations.

      Maybe a purple dress over the typical jeans and pollo. One extra car in the parking lot. Your favourite barista calling in sick. Or a girl sitting in your unassigned assigned seat...It's funny how something can seem so insignificant and then change so much in the course of your life."

      "Ah," Avi whispered in understanding, looking at me with that damn smirk again. "Forget what I said. It makes sense now."

     I didn't share the same enlightenment, but my heart thrummed in anticipation. Was she going to talk about therapy? Was I the girl? Pride churned in my chest. If she was ready to share her troubling thoughts, she was taking a huge step towards recovery.

      "A girl sitting alone," Amelia continued. "You've seen it often, but this one catches your attention. You can't explain it. A simple smile tugs one of yours. Stumbled words tug on the strings in your chest. Typically, unnoticed behaviors are noticed. Because you see everything about her. The extent of your admiration scares you.

     You turn cold to hide the warmth in your chest. But you can only hide so long. You see the pain and empathy and realize she deserves nothing but warmth.

     You don't have to be like your parents. You can learn to trust. You can thrive to build what you think could be an amazing thing."

      I suddenly wasn't so sure that I was the girl mentioned. The belief that I could evoke such thoughts in a person like Amelia was... well unbelievable.

      "You open your heart to the new girl. You don't expect to fall so fast. You can't keep up with your feelings.

     You can barely resist brushing auburn strands. Pouty lips that maintain strawberry blond keep you up at night. You're restless."

     That sounded like me. Did I want her to mean me? I couldn't tell what the pounding in my ears meant... The idea of it not being me. The idea of it being any other person made me sick.

     "You lay in bed and think of the girl who has ruined sundresses for any other person you know. You wonder if you're on her mind as much as she's on yours.

      Does she dream of construction zones and traffic cones? Does she see skyscrapers and spiders and think of you? Is she reminded of you at every ticking hour of the day?

      You think she might. She is honest and brave. She is open with you when she is not with others. She doesn't shy away from your poor attempts of spending time alone. She shares her silly metaphors with you solely. She's the first to see through your act. She sees every side of you. She's not scared of your darkness. She encourages you to fight it.

      You can be honest with her. You can talk to her about anything. From deep dark secrets to child-like fantasies of chasing mythical creatures. She's there ever after you pushed her away.

      She tries to cheer you up when you're feeling down. She understands you. She doesn't make you pretend. She brings you balloons and reassures you that it's okay to feel the way you do."

      It was me. It had to be me and suddenly I couldn't breathe.

      "She keeps your misery company. You're desperate to maintain her company. You make silly deals to keep her by your side. She bargains just as well. Your compatibility is so intense that you wonder if there's any possibility, she doesn't feel it too.

     Is she scared? Is she oblivious? Is this all in your head?

     You think it might be, but then you see the look in her eyes. She falls asleep next to you because she's at ease. You see the way she tucks herself into your side when she thinks you're asleep. She loves your family as much as you do.

      Her arm brushes against yours when you take her dancing in the rain. She lets you intertwine your fingers when you listen to the couple's vows. She shivers when you whisper in her ear. She doesn't oppose your subtle touches. She doesn't run away when you test the waters. You think she'll pull her foot away, but she strokes yours just as softly under the table.

      She gives you reason to believe she feels at least a faction of what you feel for her.

     You want to take the chance. You want to be honest. But you're scared.

     Romeo and Juliet has been her bedtime story for so long. You don't know if she's open to a different story. You don't know if she's even interested in changing her story. You don't know what she thinks of two Juliet's.

      You're scared to tell her how you really feel... But she deserves to know the extent to which she is cared for. You deserve to give yourself the chance of going after what you want."

      Juliet and Juliet... All the denying I'd been denying these past months came crashing down on my lungs. Every voice around me faded in the background. Panic was the only way to describe this. There were flickers of relief, doubt, and confusion. But most of all panic. I was panicking. There were too many thoughts and emotions spinning in my mind. Everything was on overdrive.

      I watched Amelia's feet as she made way back to our group. My eyes seemed incapable of rising to her face. I didn't want to try to read the emotions playing on her features. I didn't want her to try reading mine.

      Every other slam she sat beside me, in our unassigned assigned seats. Today she sat in the far corner of our blanket, next to Léa and Nao, where Maria usually sat. Somehow, further away I felt her presence even more. Did she regret the words she read? Had I just been an easy mean of inspiration and every proclamation in her poem was an exaggeration?

     The silence upon her return was deafening.

     "Well..." Avi tried to break the silence but followed it by more awkward silence. "How about a walk around town? Some exercise to walk off our anxiety and... other strong feelings."

      Nao coughed into his shoulder; a cough that sounded a lot like concealed laughter. I kept my face out of sight, bright red at the insinuation behind strong feelings.

      We packed our things, as Avi and Nao lead a conversation that I didn't follow. We waited for Maria, tossed our bags in the van, and headed down the sidewalk. Paired up to fit on the narrow pavement, I found my usual spot next to Amelia. I tried to act casual, hiding the way her mere proximity lit my blood on fire.