(1) Precious, they say, never to be taken for granted. The center of our existence. The blood in our veins. The air in our lungs. So easily taken away. In a flash we can lose it all. And because it is so fragile, we are taught to fear its loss; to cherish our every moment on this earth.

      Life is a gift, they say. I tried to be polite. I tried to force a smile of gratitude and appreciate all that was gifted to me. But as hard as one may try, genuine gratitude cannot be forced. You can pretend to be happy; pretend to be satisfied with your life. Fooling others is easy. Most fall for masked smiles. But fooling yourself is impossible. Eventually the truth eats away at your insides, and you are left empty. You become numb. And how can you come to truly appreciate something when you have lost the ability to feel?

       There comes a time when you realise that living a lie is no way to live. And when you reach your lowest, you either go to great extents to feel something, anything, even if pain, or you go to even greater extent to end it all.

      I opted for the latter. Maybe you would call me foolish. A coward or selfish, even. For you thought my life was perfect: a healthy, loving family, in line for a successful future. What good reason did I have to be consumed by darkness? I could never make you understand what it was like to live a mind like my own. A mind that seeks nothing but to destroy itself.

      One can only be numb for so long before you feel your humanity slip through your bloody fingers.

      I heaved my first breath of relief in months. As the dreadful weight on my shoulders vanished, so did the dark pit in my stomach. Such intense relief washed over me, that I couldn't bother to be perplexed by the impeccably white room in which I woke.

      Eyes shut, nostrils flared as I breathed in the fresh air, through hypnotizing peace, many moments passed before I spotted the raven-haired boy. In this inexplicable emptiness, stood only he and I.

      "Hello," I greeted.

      The blue-eyed boy smiled in returned greeting. As two wooden chairs appeared out of thin air, he pulled the first one under him and nodded his head towards the other. I took the hint, dropping down in the second seat.

      "Are you God?" I asked. He didn't look more than a few years older than me, still shy of adulthood, but the God theory was the only reasonable explanation I could muster.

      "No." He laughed. "I'm just Jaxson."

      "Nice to meet you, Just Jaxson. I'm Addilyn—"

      "I know who you are," he interrupted softly.

      "Angel, then?"

      "No." He chuckled again. "I'm someone who's been in your shoes. I'm only here to help."

      "Help me with what? Crossing over? I can't imagine there's anything holding me to the living world... I made this decision."

     Jaxson smiled sadly, eyes crinkling in their corners. I couldn't decide if the smile was of someone who understood my predicament or someone who knew something I didn't.

     "When the time comes, I will be there to guide you, but we've yet to reach the crossing over point."

     With a deep frown, I clamped my lips shut, hoping my silence would encourage him to go on. I had always envisioned death a finality of consciousness or an immediate passage into a bright light. I hadn't envisioned anything in between. No process to follow or waiting to be fulfilled.

      "Your situation is peculiar," Jaxson admitted. "Just as mine was."

      "Peculiar how?"

      "Few people, like us, follow a different process in their crossing over."

      My brows shot into my hairline, but he continued before I could voice my questions.

      "I promise someday all your questions will be answered, but I can't share much information yet. Most people aren't brought here after death. I'm here to discuss a special offer with you."

      "Why me?"

      I knew too many great people that had passed on to believe that I, of all people, was chosen to be rewarded.

      "It would do yourself and others a lot of good." The way he tried to sell an idea that had yet been articulated made me wary.

      "And you were offered this same deal?"

      Jaxson nodded. "And I will forever be grateful for the opportunity, so please take careful consideration before giving me your answer."

      I shifted uncomfortably; brows furrowed faintly as I foresaw my dislike of the offer. "I promise to consider it," I answered despite my apprehension, when it seemed he was waiting on me.

     He was silent a few more moments, as if carefully considering his words. "Like the concept of faith, there are certain things we're destined to achieve. But sometimes mistakes are made, things grow out of hand or the unexpected happens and we're prevented from completing our destinies."

     "You're offering to let me complete one of these destinies?" I guessed.

     "Not me. But yes, that's the essence of the offer."

     "And you accepted this same offer?"

     Jaxson nodded.

     "And what was your unfinished destiny?" I urged, hoping to get a sense of where this was going. Did my ghost guide have to be so cryptic?

     "I got to meet my soulmate." Blue eyes glazed wistfully as he spoke. "I was sent back to help her?"

     "Sent back?" I questioned cautiously. I didn't want to think about the real world. The world I chose to leave. It was easier to ignore the emotions churning in my stomach.

     Jaxson shifted uneasily. "I did ask you to really consider it," he reminded. "I was destined to help her, but the crash happened before I could meet her. I couldn't help unless I came back to life—"

     "Come back to life?"2 I demanded incredulously. Did he not understood the gut-wrenching pain and difficulty involved in making my final decision?

      "Only temporarily," he announced, tone soft as if he were delivering bad news. "Only long enough to complete your task."

      "Jaxson. I took my own life," I said, ignoring the bile rising in my throat. "I made a decision to stop living. What makes you think I would ever want to go back?

      "This isn't for you," he said. "As much as it did so much for me, the offers are always made based on their benefit... Doesn't any part of you want to help your soulmate?"

      "I don't see how I could be of any help."

      "I didn't think that I would be any help either. But the offer wouldn't have been made unless you were capable. She needs you, Addilyn. Without your guidance, this girl is going to share your faith."3

     "She?!" I croaked. Now, I was really convinced they had the wrong person. "This is a mistake. I mean, there's nothing wrong with two women being soulmates. But...I'm not—I— I'm straight."

     "Your soulmate doesn't have to be a lover." Jaxson laughed at my flabbergasted state. "It can be a best friend, a family member. Anyone with a strong bond."

      I relaxed a little, but the grimace of discomfort continued to mark my features. "I've never been good at making friends. I'm sorry for whatever this girl is going through, but I'm sure she has living friends that can help her."

      "No one else could understand her like you. You've lived what she's living."

      "And I killed myself!" I exclaimed. "I won't be a hypocrite. I can't say that I regret my decision. I don't even know how to feel about everything, I haven't had the chance to process my own situation. I'm the last person who should be convincing her to live."

      Jaxson fell silent, raven brows furrowed in thought. "Before you make your final decision, will you let me show you something?"

      Chewing my lip, I strained my gaze to the floor rapidly. I knew that I would be too weak to deny his pleading eyes. I didn't want to be shown anything that could change my mind. I didn't want more responsibility. I wanted to move on. To put an end to the thoughts that haunted my mind... But this seemed so important to him. And I had always been a pushover.

      "Please," he pleaded. That one soft word was my undoing, resilience vanishing.

      "Just showing?" I clarified.

     Jaxson nodded, eager to get me to follow his biding. "I won't be easy, but all you need to do is look. And then, I'll ask that you make your decision."

     "I doubt that you'll change my mind. But if you're willing to waste your time: Let's go."

Footnotes

1. Before you read Addilyn's story: If you share any of Addie's feeling of self-harm and suicidal ideations, please reach out to someone. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be to try to manage feelings of the such, and to push past the fear of seeking help. But I can assure you, no matter your doubt and insecurities, that someone out there wants to help. Someone out there, someone like me, wants you to live your life. 

Similar situations are different for every person because we are all unique beings with different reactions, priorities, and coping mechanisms. What you face might be different than what Amelia and Addie face. But struggles aren't meant to be compared. The emotions you feel are valid, and you are deserving of help.

2. This is a shocking situation for Addie. It's not to say that she doesn't regret her actions. There's a lot happening all at once, so she doesn't have time to fully consider her feelings. As I can't relate to surviving a suicide attempt, I don't feel as though I can properly explore these feelings Addie might be having.

3. Suicidal ideations are not cured with friendship or romance. The last thing I want to achieve with this story is romanticizing suicide. Love does NOT cure mental illness. Love can help someone seek professional help.