[NOTE: this letter has no given address and was merely Shikoba writing down his own feelings to try and understand them better. Though his verdict remains unknown...]

(( White Antelope belongs to faiththestoryteller ))

Is it wrong to feel anger at yourself?
Is it also wrong if you don't tell anyone?...

If you feel you aren't adequate, not good enough. If you feel that others could take your place and it wouldn't make the difference between the green of the leaves and the green of the grass. After all, they're both just green.
If every mistake falls heavy on your heart and there seems to never be any way to make up for it.
Is this wrong as well?

I'm afraid I am no longer sure....

Though I would hate to burden anyone, my brothers and sisters especially, with my troubles and doubts. They have enough to deal with as it is without my added trouble.
How I long to tell someone though, just to see, just to know for absolute certain, whether I am in the wrong with such thoughts and feelings.

However I'm afraid I will never be able to do such as I can't ever seem to find the words when I am face to face with another.
Not even White Antelope....
Especially not White Antelope....
How I long to tell him, that I feel as though sometimes I am more of a burden than a help, but I find I cannot. The words just won't come.
And I wouldn't want to worry him anyway I suppose...
He always has something to worry over. I don't wish to add to that with my frivolous thoughts.

Yet I can't help but wonder....
Have I accomplished anything? Has my existence meant anything anywhere at any point in time?
The answer seems rather foggy to me...
Yes I know I have done some good here and there, but what was its significance?

I have not always been the best warrior... I try to use words too often when they are and never will be heeded... And yet more I cannot bring myself to strike the first blow nor fight when I see no reason.....
And this has gotten me into much trouble throughout the years...
Though these incidents were mostly with humans rather than other nation-beings, and I'm somewhat abashed to say I've never spoken a whisper nor thought to of any of the incidents to any of my siblings...
Again they needn't worry about my problems when they have their own.

Then came the early 1830's.....
I am ashamed to know that I gave so little resistance to those early settlers. But at the time my mind was on my people rather than what these newcomers were doing. We were offered treaties instead of war and I had thought that much better than needless bloodshed. I did not, however, expect to be driven so far from our home...
First just past the river then all the way to Oklahoma.... I must say it was rather humiliating and depreciating and it broke my heart to see my people suffer so.
To see what my pacifist ways had done to them.
Yet I could not find it in myself to change my ways.

Is that wrong? Should I have held on to my fury? Tried to resist more? Take back our land, our home?

I do not know.....

Perhaps I think too much when I'm alone....
Perhaps these are all just silly thoughts with no true meaning or intention behind them....

Yet I can't help but wonder.....