(Bella) 

The month of October seemed to fly by. My relationship with Jimin was fraught. We talked a bit more over the phone, and we would meet for lunch or coffee between classes. At least twice a week he would come over to my apartment, and we would just sit in front of the TV in silence. Most of the time I didn't even know what was on the screen. Sometimes he would hold my hand and tell me how lucky he was that I was with him. Other times he would get impatient with just kissing and try to convince me to have sex. It was always difficult to resist him, but I did.

Inside, I was empty. There was nothing. I couldn't feel anything. Even the pain had dulled into a vague memory. I went through my days happy in a sense because I could feel nothing. There was no one I could talk to. Cindy tried even though I knew that she disapproved of what I had done. Soon she got so caught up in her relationship with Taehyung that I pretended I was fine so as not to bother her.

Jin and I had not spoken since that night when he said I had treated him unfairly. But he haunted my dreams. After one particularly vivid dream, I woke up gasping on the couch where I had fallen asleep. I could still feel his hands on my body and his breath on my neck. We have a connection. I could hear him whispering these words in my ear. He had cast a spell on me. But he hadn't called or texted me. Maybe Jimin was right. I was one of those girls he hated.

I had once stupidly said that I wished for heartbreak just so that I could live out the emotions in an old ballad. Now here I was, caught in the spinning wheel of my days, going crazy like Gretchen in the song. I pictured Jin's noble form, his smile, his eyes. I could hear his melodic voice. I could feel the touch of his warm hand. I could feel his kiss on my lips. Then I broke down in bitter tears because my wish had come true.

A week before Halloween, I ran into Namjoon at the student cafe on campus. We sat together and talked about how we had fared on our midterms the previous week. He began to talk about the feedback he had received from the publisher. They wanted to set him up with an editor to prepare his book for publication. I congratulated him and told him how happy I was for him.

He looked at me for a few minutes. "Thank you. I don't mean to pry, Bella, but your eyes don't look happy. Don't get me wrong. I know that your happiness for my book deal is genuine, but I don't sense that same level of happiness for your own life. You look like you need someone to talk to. Is there anything I can do to help?"

I bit my lip, hoping not to break down in tears in front of him. "It's strange. I know I have friends, but I feel so...lonely." I paused, afraid of what he might think. "I mean, I have Jimin, but..." He nodded, and I found it easy to confide in him. "I don't know what it is, but something has changed."

"Is it something tangible or just a feeling?" he asked solicitously.

"I can't quite put my finger on it. I used to think that my life was good or good enough, but now--well, now I feel lost. The days just bunch together like a gray blob. I don't know how to explain it." I sighed. "Some counselor I'll turn out to be, huh?"

"They say doctors make the worst patients. It's easier to deal with other people's problems than recognizing our own."

"That's it, I guess. I don't recognize what's wrong. It's like I've become numb in mind and body," I said despondently. "I feel that my life is missing something vital."

He nodded sagely. "You've reached a point in your life where the ideas that sustained you in the past have lost their meaning and no longer bring you the same joie de vivre." He paused. "Jimin seems a bit lost, too. I hate to say this, but you both do not seem very happy. I mean, shouldn't you be happy? Isn't that the point of a relationship?"

"Yes. I know. It is," I replied. "Can I be honest with you?"

"I certainly hope so."

I sighed. "I like Jimin. I really do, but like I told you, it's not the same. Something is off. Missing. I know he feels it, too."

Namjoon nodded. "Yeah. I thought it was about the injury to his leg, but he's much better now physically, yet there's still something that doesn't seem right with him. He's thrown himself into his work but doesn't talk to anybody much anymore."

"We also don't talk much anymore when we are together. Nights are the worst. I feel so disconnected and full of regrets, so alone as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep."

"You don't have to feel alone at night. I can come over to make you feel better." He stopped when he saw the look of shock on my face. His eyes went wide, and he motioned 'no' with his finger. "Oh, my gosh, Bella, no, I didn't mean it like that! I wasn't insinuating that I would go over at night to...to...oh, no! I said it wrong! I could never--not that there's anything wrong with me that I coudn't do that. But I didn't mean...aw, hell!" His forehead was beaded with tiny dots of sweat.

My loud, cackling laugh startled him--and a few others at nearby tables. I laughed until the tears ran down my face. At some point, Namjoon started to laugh, too. I was finally able to calm down after a few minutes, and both of us were gasping to catch our breaths.

"Oh, my gosh," I wheezed. "I actually feel better."

He gave me a shy, dimpled grin. "I'm glad my schoolboy crush was a catharsis for you. See? That's what I meant when I told you I could make you feel better." He reached out and placed his hand over mine gently. "Please consider me your friend. I will always make time to talk with you. But first, you need to talk with Jimin. You both need to be honest with each other. It doesn't do either of you any good to go on pretending you're okay."

"Yes, I know."

"And, while I wish I could comfort you at night," he raised his eyebrows at me before laughing again, "there is actually someone else who has been feeling disconnected and alone as well, someone who might provide that comfort if you give him a chance and talk to him."

I exhaled. "I know. Jimin."

Namjoon shook his head. "Seokjin. He's become moody, reclusive, and quite frankly, a real pain in the ass. It's none of my business, but am I wrong in deducing that you two had become...close before you got back with Jimin?"

"How did you deduce that?" I asked a bit defensively.

He patted my hand. "Let's just say that I'm not only book smart. I pay attention. A few weeks ago, he became different, lighter in mood, a lot less brooding. He's not one to talk about girls, much less by name, but he certainly talked about you often. Bella this and Bella that. Most of us stopped listening. He was all smiles, but lately, he's been despondent and listless. He doesn't mention your name now except when he's been drinking." He stood up and tapped lightly on my head. "Think about it. And call him," he said.

"And if he turns me down?" I asked shakily.

"I can't imagine he would," he said. "But if he does, you can call me." He winked with a flash of his dimpled smile and left.