Sunlight cut in from the slanted half-closed blinds strung up helplessly and hopelessly against the ice-cold surface of translucent glass windows, which moaned and groaned along in tune with the house, molding its very own core and build against the chill and the bitterness of the tyrannical world sprouting round it.  Against the snow flurries outside, the singular, solitary structure seemed to serve as a slapdash safety shelter.  What howled and caterwauled outside was muted inside, what froze and burned outside was turned temporarily temperate inside, what would swallow one up and drown them in an ocean of orange-glazed flakes outside was a sturdy rug set upon supporting those who walked across its surface.  

What shone white outside radiated red within.

Blood on the carpet, the wallpaper, the paintings, the decorations, the tables, the wires tied to the tables and to the woman and oh god nobody breathing outside but here, labored and lacerated, uneven in tone and consistency, sharp inhales and quickening exhales, set to an irregular, broken metronome that had long since fallen out of its warranty and now ticked on unevenly, sometimes speeding insanely short and others not moving at all, and the red liquid led back in a sporadic trail to a lesion letting blood spill as though a sink of superfluous surplus, a well that would never dry, and the whimpers against the warm air and the tears against tropical temperatures, and how deeply it all cemented itself in one horrible agglomeration in your mind as you rounded the door-frame and suddenly you, too, were plagued with tears.

You tried to help her, help help help help help help help her, but father walked in and you screamed and you ran, not walked not skipped not jumped but ran, as fast as your little legs could carry you, wishing for a pair of wings to fly far away forever and never come back, something, anything, that would get you away away away away away away get you away, you didn't want this, you didn't want this, no no no; I didn't know this was what it meant oh god father why why why how how how could you who was that woman, that woman was not mommy, where was mommy, I want mommy.

But mommy isn't here and she never will be, because you couldn't find a good mommy, and father promised you a good mommy but no mommy could replace your mommy and these women were not your mommy and oh god THEY MADE MISTAKES BUT THEY WERE HUMAN AND MADE MISTAKES AND SHE WAS HUMAN SHE MADE MISTAKES AND FATHER WAS HUMAN BUT HE MADE MISTAKES; MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES THEY WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE YOU ARE MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO PLEASE OH GOD NO WHY WHY WHY MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES -

- You awoke with your hands flying to cover your mouth, holding in a gasp in the form of a semi-scream, as your eyes transitioned harshly between the redness of the deathlike dream and the pale, warm light of the bunk room you shared with Mikasa and Sasha and Mina and no, you were no longer trapped within your nightmare, within your nightmare mind or your nightmare views or your nightmare bodies, it was morning and the sun was shining and everyone had begun to gently stir in the pallid light, spreading liveliness through the air as though electricity in water, shocking you to your cold bones and forcing you to pull away from the thoughts you wished you wouldn't have any more.

As you sat up slowly, the pent-up blood in your head beginning to circulate throughout your body in rhythmic sessions with your softly-slowing heartbeat, you clasped your shaking hands together under the calm light and inhaled sharply for the last time of the morning - it had been a nightmare, that was all it was.  Nothing carried over to reality.  The walls and floors here were brick and wood, spotless except for the occasionally crack upon the worn surfaces.  And yet what a nightmare it had been.  Being chased, chased by her worries and fears and sins and fathers, and oh god her father would not let her go, oh god she was doomed in this life, oh god she knew what this life, this miserable, criminal, horrifying excuse of a life was now, and how blind she had been, encased within her own bubble, initially curious but afraid, afraid afraid afraid afraid afraid afraid and her fear, the fluctuating fiend fixated now forevermore in her heart.

Except for that one night.  The one night where she saw everything as it truly was, unveiled, uncensored, unadulterated.  

Suddenly a sea of sorrel-bud hair fell as though a curtain from up above, cutting off your vision of the rest of the bunking room as you slowly sat up, trying to wrap your head around it all.  Soon enough Sasha's face, upside-down, had made its way just above your lower bunk, a large smile plastered upon her playful face.  "We're going back into town today!  I can't wait to see it all."

You laughed slightly, attempting to swallow your ever-prominent previous fright.  "And by 'all,' you do simply mean the best restaurants, correct?"

"Are you a mind-reader?" Sasha gasped, eyes wide.  She quickly followed with a giggle and a somersault onto the ground, landing next to your bed as though a cat, steadily upon her feet.  After casting a glance over her shoulder at Mikasa's bed, which was, surprisingly, still occupied, she continued, "I'm going to go get ready and beat you both to the grounds for once!  But Annie's probably still ahead of me...well, I'll just eat all the food so she can't have any..." 

As Sasha traipsed out of the room, only you and Mikasa were awake.  You didn't quite feel as compelled as your friend to rush about the day, so you lay your head back down in hopes of catching a few more moments of hopefully uninterrupted, pleasant sleep, if only minutes at most.  However, after a few beats of silence filled with horrifying replays of the horrid dreams that had plagued you like a disease, you rolled over, snapping your eyes open, only to find Mikasa still in her bed, albeit sitting up and looking at you now.

Raising an eyebrow, you asked, "Is everything alright?"  Typically Mikasa would've already hopped in the shower, put on her uniform, and left in the seconds it had taken you to grasp at any possible faith of catching some more sleep.

Mikasa didn't budge, simply nodded her head in a gentle manner.  "Yes."  A pause, and then, "I hope you don't have any more nightmares."

You blinked, startled by her sudden upfront nature, in proportionate parts perplexed and palliated.  Never before had Mikasa so unequivocally upheld an expression of palpable consternation.  Inadvertently, your hand fled to the back of your neck, nervously running through a few stray locks of your hair glimmering brightly in the morning sun shining slightly through the small fissure of windows high above your heads, illuminating your back and casting shadows like dark beasts in Mikasa's direction, creatures so like what your mind had conceived mere moments prior, although now, in the depth of her words, felt like an eternity.  

Mikasa was not like you.

So rarely had you heard her speak of her own past that it had become almost a fill-in-the-blank game, filled with guesses, checks and xs, denoting confirmed truths or suspected falsities, a race to reach bingo in the straight timeline of her vaguely demarcated existence.  Certainly she had grown up with Eren and Armin, and you'd presumed, based on her lingering gazes and words of caution directed particularly at the former boy, that she'd known Eren longer.  But besides that?  Nothing.  Whatever she was doing, she certainly wasn't letting memories of the past show on her external facade, or at least what you assumed was a facade, for not once had you met anyone as tight-lipped and standoffish as the raven-haired beauty - unlike you, jolting awake at the vague formation of a time long forgotten, shoved to the back of your mind and locked away in a box never to be opened again.

Only now the lid had been shaken off, and the first misty remnants of the rain of before had begun to drip from your mind.

"Thank you," you began slowly, eyes shifting up off your bare toes and into Mikasa's stormy irises.  "You t - er, it means a lot to me."  With the hotness rising in your cheeks and uncountable amount of pink flecks of embarrassment beginning to bloom upon your complexion, you slipped away into the showers, quickly finding yourself naked beneath a precipitate of cold droplets spraying across your body.  Your eyes shut tightly as you exhaled, the unease washing from you and down the drain, cleansing yourself of the mistake and your silent prayers that Mikasa hadn't heard your words well enough to arise more concern.  There was something off already - only to Eren had Mikasa ever seemed to show compassion.  Until today, at least.  Causing her more worry was the last thing you desired.

Your heart returned to its normal pace as you shut the water off and slid on your uniform, emerging into the common room to find Mikasa gone.  Instead, Sasha dangled precariously from your upper bunk, one leg hooking her entire weight to the bed as her body arched down, head nearly touching your bed, peering at a piece of old parchment held within her hands.  She took no notice of you.  You didn't dare attempt to speak again, simply sidled over and leaned down for a look at the paper.  It appeared to be a map - albeit upside down, at least to you, and you cocked your head to the side.

"Shadis was handing them out."  Apparently Sasha had indeed noticed you, simply kept you oblivious to that fact.  Her slender finger found its way to a path marked with a red line.  "This is where we're going.  Oh, and he went on about how we need to stick to the path, or whatever, and reconvene and stuff, but other than that we're free for awhile."

You found yourself tracing the line with your own finger, the route failing to register within your mind due to its backwardness, leaving you to simply shrug and trust Sasha for directions.  Just as you were about to sit back down and wait for Mikasa, said girl emerged from the bath house.  Her dark hair, still wet, caught the light like stars against a black night sky, highlighting her contours and casting life inside her eyes, looking more awake and vigorous than you were accustomed to seeing her.  She offered you a smile before snatching the map out of Sasha's hands.

The auburn-haired girl yelped with surprise, and suddenly there was a loud crash, followed by a small grunt, for within mere fractions of a moment she'd lost her grip and fallen face-first onto the hardwood floor, the rest of her body tumbling after her.  She rose shakily with a huff, but otherwise seemed undeterred.  "You owe me a free meal," she muttered at Mikasa.

"We'll all eat together," Mikasa replied, somehow both satisfying Sasha and averting her instructions simultaneously.  "I know all the best places.  I grew up there, with Eren and Armin."  She gave a slight noise of affirmation before pocketing the paper and heading for the exit to the center of the training grounds.  When neither of you followed, she tilted her head in the direction of the door.  "Come on, I can show you around."

You shrugged and rose to follow her, Sasha darting in front of you and closing the gap first, apparently enthralled with Mikasa's proposal.  Some of her enthusiasm had begun to rub off on you, and as you crossed the threshold, it was as if the feelings of your nightmare were sealed inside when the door creaked shut, the box within your mind safely lidded once more, light shining in the darkest of crevices and saturating your senses with sanguineness. This trip would be fun, you promised yourself.  A well-deserved break from everything you'd been working so diligently to achieve.  Best of all, you'd be spending it with your friends, most of whom you found were already gathered outside as you, Mikasa, and Sasha filed into order.  Directions had already begun, but quite frankly, you let the beat of your own heart drown them out, simply following your two companions as they made their way into a line that began to shuffle quickly forwards, filled with the chirp of chill chattering floating about from fellow cadets, laughter and quiet words and loud jokes, the passage of certain scenery eliciting memories from the way you'd all first arrived at the base, pointing and shoving, disorderly systematic actions and reactions, exchanges given and received.  

Soon enough the conversation found its way over to your small congregation.  "I've only been here a couple times before," Sasha confessed with a hum, "but man, do I remember the food.  I could probably find my way back here in my sleep."

Mikasa nodded, seemingly content not to put it past her, and as you added in a small, "I've never seen this city," you suddenly realized your alienation from the rest of the group.  Why'd almost everyone but you visited here?  Why did it have to be you that hadn't?  

Just as the worries began to cloud over your mind, a hand clapped down upon your shoulder, and Sasha skipped ahead only to turn around and face you, walking backwards with a startling ease.  "Mikasa, we've gotta give her the best introduction possible!  I hereby appoint you leader of the Exploration Division!"

"Exploration Division?" you questioned with a small grin.

"Well, it had to be called something," the auburn-haired girl replied, falling back into step with you and Mikasa after a slight skip forwards.  "But you're on board, right, Mikasa?"

The ravenette ran a hand through her bangs.  "I suppose so.  Someone's got to take responsibility of you two."  She seemed to only be half-joking, but Sasha, ever-joyous, laughed in response, eliciting a gentle giggle from yourself.  

The walk continued for a long while, lilting voices filling the air all around you, Sasha prattling on about her excitement and naming off the restaurants one by one, as if her brain was some magical organ capable of remembering foodstands photographically - that and nothing else.  Nevertheless, her company by your side was welcome, and as the sun rose high in the sky and the small birds began to sing, you felt a calmness you had yet to experience during your time in military training.  Not that you'd expected it would be easy. 

Just - maybe you hadn't thought it would be so hard.

Somewhere along the lines the file of cadets had begun to thin out, and Sasha's relentless tugging on your arm snapped your head down from the clouds and to your surroundings.

"Welcome to Trost."  Mikasa's voice sounded off from your other side.  She stood out starkly against the illuminated, ancient buildings lining the streets golden with sunshine, dark hair contrasting against the honey-colored hue of everything else around.  You attempted to follow her, only for her to take off in an instant at a full run.  At just that moment Sasha got the better of you, and, due to some equal combination of surprise and sadness, the auburn-haired girl pulled a bit too hard and sent you flying back into her, collapsing in a disheveled heap on the ground.

Sasha was the first to stand, face bright red.  "Sorry!  Here, follow me, she went..." she paused for a moment, absentmindedly helping you to your feet whilst scouting the surroundings, "...there."

As you brushed yourself off, you followed the point of Sasha's finger, and before you knew it you were being dragged forwards.  The fall certainly had taken its effect on you, but certainly not Sasha, and with a surprising speed Mikasa's dark hair flickered into view.  Only then did you realize she was with others - Eren, Armin, and a blonde man that you were unfamiliar with.

"Hey, hey!  We can't just barge in," you protested, planting your feet in the ground, looking at Sasha with dismay in your eyes.

Sasha bit her lip for a moment, contemplating.  "You're right."  And with that you were pulled inside.

The building was short and squat, and the insides looked like they were about ready to give up and collapse upon themselves, but you took one breath of the air and everything negative dissipated at the heavenly scent.  When was the last time you had eaten real food?  You couldn't remember - certainly those bland meals from the Corps didn't count.

You were convinced Sasha was going to saunter up and order, but instead she led you over to a table by the window, which was cracked open a bit to let in the fresh morning air.  Shutters covered most of the clear view.  However, Sasha pointed at the window.  "Look."

Between the cracks of the shutters you saw the four again.

You glanced at Sasha with disapproval, but the girl simply raised a hand to her lips before hailing a waiter and ordering nearly half the menu.  Her voice began to fade into the background as you shifted towards the glass, voices beginning to grow loud enough for you to hear.

"Eren...Mikasa...look at how you've grown."  An unknown voice, filled with emotion - must've been the man.  "Your mother would've been so proud to see you here, all grown up."  Silence, and then, in a soft voice so quiet you had to strain your ears, "I'm sorry I couldn't save her."

Eren cut in with something, but you nearly jumped out of your seat, lost somewhere in between the two worlds of the restaurant inside and reality outside, caught in a blurred void amidst it all.  This only made more questions swirl about in your hazy head.  The two couldn't have been related, they looked so different - what was the man talking about, 'their mom?'  You found yourself biting your cheek as you parsed through your thoughts.  Eren - yes, his mother was dead, that much you knew.  So if the man was talking about Eren's mom, somehow apparently a mother figure to either Mikasa or Armin, or perhaps both, what exactly had happened with Mikasa?  Was her mother alive?  Dead?  Or simply...gone?  Did she even have a family?  Maybe this was why she was so connected to Eren, perhaps something had happened.  Their mom.  What about Mikasa's mom...?

Maybe you had it all backwards, and were overthinking things, and as piles upon piles of plates of food arrived at your table, you found yourself pushing your back against your chair, leaning up off the ground ever so slightly as you shut your eyes and attempted to ground yourself.

What had it been like, for Eren, and maybe Mikasa?  What was having a mom like?

The voices of Eren, Armin, the strange man, and, occasionally Mikasa, descended deeper into more conversation, and all you found yourself thinking about was how the Survey Corps was to be your destination.  It was all of theirs, too - the idea of risking one's life to protect others, gain vengeance, or obtain knowledge and find a way to put and end to it all.  No matter how you spun it, it always sounded like something noble.

And then there was you - unimportant, unsuitable, and bound to be unsuccessful.  There was no greater cause in your heart.  No lofty ideals, no esoteric goals, no dreams to accomplish or live to see through.  All you were doing was running.

Like you always did.  The one thing you were good at.  The one thing you'd been born knowing how to do and trained to master throughout your entire life.  

Run, [y/n].  Run.