I trusted you, you were the first
Then you lied and it gets worse
You broke me down
Now just look around
Who's all alone?
Who's all alone now?

• • •

That night, in the shower, I broke down. I don't know what caused it, I don't know where it came from, but one second I was applying shampoo to my hair and the next I was crying on the floor, curled up in a ball.

My unborn child flashed to memory, how they didn't even get a chance.

"It's all your fault!" he snarled at me, wrapping his fingers around my throat. "What kind of mother can't protect her own child?"

I tried! I wanted to scream back, but he had ordered me not to speak. I was left to plead in my own head, to beg him to believe me. I tried to keep them safe, I did! I didn't want to shift! I was only following your orders.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Rivera. The fact that you lost our child is enough for me to kill you," he whispered, pulling me close. I struggled to breath, clawing at his hands with as much strength as I could muster. My Feline was silent, too ashamed of herself to help me. "But luckily for you, I can't." He dropped me.

I struggled to catch my breath. "I want you out of this house," he ordered.

And my world was forever broken.

When I came back to reality, his office was gone. Replaced it was the shower, my clothes were gone, and bullets of hot water turned cold hit my back like a machine gun shooting rounds into a desolate field and hitting nothing but dead trees.

How long had that memory kept me within my own head? I wondered as I placed my hands on the tiled wall for support to drag myself up to my feet. Everything hurt, my chest throbbed with a dull ache, and my eyes burned from the crying I had mistaken to be water from the shower-head.

I washed my body off, not bothering to add conditioner to my hair before stepping out. I kept my head hung as I reached for a towel, wrapping it around myself and reaching for the doorknob.

Before I could open it, it wriggled just before I touched it. Startled, I stepped back, almost slipping on the slightly damp floor. The door pushed open and Princeton's mother stood before me, a mug of tangy-smelling liquid in her hands.

"Oh, my poor dear," she murmured, looking me over as if she could see from just how I stood my emotions. She stepped in, setting the mug on the counter by the sink and wrapping her arms around me.

I was too shocked from the intrusion to think weirdly of the fact that she knew my state, and that she was hugging me while I was wet and pretty much naked.

I kept one hand gripping the towel in my hand, my only coverage, and used my other one to hesitantly wrap around her. Her warmth soothed me, soothed the ache in my chest. Is this what it felt like to have anything close to a mother? To feel warm and protected the second she touches you, to feel like you want to break down to her and cry to her?

She pulled away, her arms leaving me but her eyes looking my face over. I gripped the towel, my hand shaking so much I feared I might accidentally let it go. "H—how did you..."

"To lose a child is something no mother should have to experience." The older woman gave me a sad look through her clear eyes, taking my hand in hers. "I lost one as you did."

"How ..." I started, wanting to ask so many questions but not knowing where to start.

"Princeton told me," she murmured, her eyes drifting to mine again. "Rivera, my dear, I am so incredibly sorry. Someone so young should never have to go through a loss as bad as yours. I came to see how you were holding up ... and I just knew you weren't."

"Mother's instinct?"

She smiled at me almost sadly, shaking her head. "Alpha instinct. An Alpha knows when her pack is hurting, she connects so strongly with each member that empathy is in her system. She just knows."

I said nothing, only gripping my towel more. My knuckles turned white, and my eyes dropped to my feet. Ugh, when was the last time I actually gave my toenails a good clipping? Embarrassment washed through me.

She took the mug again, "I'll be just outside. My apologies for barging in. I'll leave you to get dressed." She sent me a small smile, shutting the door behind her as she left.

I left my hair out in wet strands to dry on its own as I pulled on a pair of yoga shorts and a tank top, then exited the bathroom with my arms folded awkwardly. She was sitting on my bed, going through a book that brought a smile to her face.

She looks up when I walked out, then tapped the bed next to her. I moved forward, my stomach churning as I took a seat next to the woman. She shifted the book, which turned out to be a scrapbook with pictures, so that it was in both of our laps. She then turned to the beside table and grabbed the mug, handing it to me.

I looked down at the dark liquid suspiciously, almost hesitant to drink it. "Its mint," she told me, noticing my lack of quick drinking. "Try it."

I took a sip, instantly struck with the sharp, minty tang that ran along my tongue. It left a bitter aftertaste that I could ignore as I swallowed it. "It's good," I told her, smiling a little. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome." She patted my knee, then pointed down at a picture of a baby with cake smearing his face and his hands covered in frosting. "That's Princeton."

"No way," I said, dragging the book closer. The woman laughed. "There is no way."

"Oh, but there is. It's him, alright. In his cakey glory," she joked. She reviewed the photo again, brushing her finger along the plastic covering of the photo. "He was such a messy baby, always finding trouble and making sure he got into it."

I laughed. "He doesn't seem so troublesome now," I responded easily, not able to take my eyes off the small baby that was grinning at the camera with cake all over his head, face, and chest, his hands still in the ruined remains of the cake.

She chuckled, shaking her head in amusement. "He grew up ... a little." She flashed me a playful wink that I couldn't help but return with a grin.

"Just a little?"

"Just." She pinched her fingers together for effect, smiling at me. She nudged me a little and we continue looking over the pictures. She pointed yet another out. "That's Holly. She's in Cambodia right now, studying."

The girl in the picture was recent, that was obvious enough. She had long hair and grey eyes that matched Lana's. "She's beautiful," I said, smiling. "You must be proud."

"Very," Lana confirmed. Turning the page to another area of pictures. What I loved about this book was that it didn't have organization; the pictures were placed randomly. No child had their own page, there was no timeline of age group, and there was no specialized pages. They were decorated just as randomly as the pictures were placed, and it was so beautiful as such.

"Can I ask you something?" The question I needed desperately to ask for about fifteen minutes now gnawed at the pit of my stomach, begging to slip from my lips.

She shut the scrapbook gently and set it aside, knowing the words were all to serious. "Of course." She nodded.

"You said you know how I feel," I said hesitantly, regarding the statement she had told me when she found me in my broken state. "You lost one too." I sucked in a deep breath, calling upon my courage — as much of it as I could muster. "Does the pain get better?"

"Yes," Lana answered almost instantly, however, the way she said it made it seem as if she had more to say but stopped herself before she could.

"But?" I urged, biting my lip and staring at her helplessly. Please don't keep it back. I need to know. I silently begged her.

"Though the pain gets better," she started, a sigh escaping her lips, her saddened eyes locking with mine, "it does not go away."

"Will I stop feeling it everyday?" I continued, needing answers from the one person I found that could answer them.

"Some days you'll be able to get out of bed and allow yourself to be happy, to go on, and to remember that it's okay to be happy and lively." She took my hand and squeezed it gently, smiling sadly. "Other days it'll hit you so hard you feel like you can't get out of bed if you tried. The memory of making that life is something you should cherish, and it's okay to cry when you feel unexpected pain from losing them. But at the end of the day, they wouldn't want you to live miserable forever."

Her words struck me, and I squeezed her hand back. She leaned over and kissed the top of my head as a mother should, and it pierced my heart. This woman is not my mother biologically, yet she feels more like one within a few days of knowing her then my mother ever made me feel.

"I ... I never got the chance to meet them, but I miss them," I admitted to her, playing with my fingers awkwardly and biting my lip nervously. "Is that weird?"

"Of course not," she responded, a frown gracing her lips and she gave me a little head shake. "That's the human side of you. That was your child, a child you lost by accident. Not on purpose."

I hadn't even realized that my eyes had begun watering and my cheeks were hit with the sharp, hot sting of fresh tears.

"Oh, honey," she murmured, reaching forward and wrapping her arms around me comfortingly. She rubbed my back as I buried my face in her shoulder, the tears almost too strong for even I to handle. "Shh ... that's right, let it all out," she encouraged in a soft voice.

She held me until I fell asleep on her shoulder, a crying mess.

• • •

"You're going hunting with the pack tonight," Adonis announced the next morning as I said at the island eating cereal.

I paused my gloomy munching, lifting my eyes to him blankly. "Pardon?"

After last night, I felt better. It was as though I had been forced to the ground and had heavy stones lain across my chest before last night, but talking to Alana was the equivalent to being freed from a brutal punishment of those stones.

Now I sat in the kitchen, eating Lucky Charms and holding a mug of coffee in my hands as I stared at one of Princeton's many siblings.

"You heard me," he said casually, shuffling toward the coffee pot and taking it from it's hold and sniffing it before shrugging and reaching to grab a mug from the cabinet. "You're gonna come hunting with our pack tonight."

I tilted my head to the side and slowly took a sip of my coffee, narrowing my eyes at him. "Cute."

Now he looked confused, setting the pot down and turning to me with a steaming mug in his hands. "What?"

"You heard me," I mocked, standing up and bringing my empty cereal bowl to the sink and rinsing it.

"I'm being serious."

I pursed my lips at his tone, feeling my Feline perk up inside my head once she felt that spark of irritation that ignited in my chest. "So am I."

Adonis squinted his brown eyes at me. "Your attitude is repulsive," he shot back.

I smiled and cocked my head at him again. "I already knew that. What's your point?"

He growled. "Princeton was right. You're stubborn and snarky."

I put a hand to my chest and offered a little curtsy, "Miss Stubborn and Snarky at your service, m'lord."

"I told you that arguing with her is a lost cause, Adonis," Princeton hummed as he entered the kitchen, flashing me a wink and going to the fridge. I rolled my eyes.

Adonis snarled a little. "She doesn't take what I said seriously at all."

I cooed, reaching forward to tug his cheek. "Poor baby boy."

He jerked back and snapped at me, causing me to grin but causing Princeton to release a growl of warning at his brother.

"Listen, this was fun and all," I said, deciding I didn't want to get Adonis into any deep trouble for snapping at me, "but I'm not comfortable with going out with the pack yet." I turned my gaze to Princeton.

The male flicked his gaze to mine, reading the silent message I was sending across to him. He didn't appear upset by my statement, he simply gave me a small nod of understanding. "Very well."

Adonis mumbled something while my shoulders sagged in relief. Honestly, I was messing with Adonis to avoid facing the claim he had made. I just wasn't ready to be around the pack, especially in a form that is very symbolic and personal to feline shifters. I needed time if I planned on staying here, time if I decided I wanted to try with Princeton in the future.

But right now? Right now, I was not ready — and I wasn't sure when I would be.

Later that day, I went exploring again. The house was easy to get lost in, but I always managed to find familiar hallways that I knew if I did get lost. There were libraries, a meeting room, game and family rooms, playrooms for the kids of the pack, which I took to avoiding, various private stairwells that led to upstairs, bedrooms, a gym, and a couple of offices.

It was a nice place for a pack of wolf shifters, and it was relaxed compared to my old home. Feline shifters, though they loved having fun, did have a schedule. Game rooms weren't always used as freely as here, the house was a lot more quiet than this one, and parents were expected to provide the kids with entertainment. Felines were independent even within a Clan, and living outside of a Clan was hard as it was. We can't bare to be alone, though we can survive if need be, but we can't heavily rely on each other either.

Feline shifters were difficult.

"How do you like the place?" I whipped around and saw one of Princeton's sisters — she had that family appearance he and his siblings did. Beautiful.

It was Maddie, I believe. I smiled at her a bit. "I like it, it's ... well, relaxed, and the noise is comforting."

She gave me a small smile of her own. "Was it not like that at your Clan house?" she asked me, falling into stride next to me.

"Not exactly," I admitted, fiddling with the sleeve of my sweater. "We did have rooms like this, but they weren't really used as regularly. It was always a bit too quiet for my liking."

She chuckled and glanced around fondly at the halls surrounding us. "Yes, I would probably go crazy in a house so silent," she responded.

I shrugged. "When you live in a place silent for so long, crazy is simply just your own thoughts getting to you."