I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals
I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse

• • •

"Child?" Princeton's breath shook as he spoke the word. "You have a child?"

"No. I was pregnant at the time," I told him, looking down at the half eaten bowl of fruit. I wasn't very hungry anymore. "If a Feline shifts during her pregnancy, it can be dangerous. The body shifting into a completely different form, the rearranging of the body parts and bones ... the child can't handle that very well, especially when it's in the first stages of pregnancy."

Zaria let out a noise of sympathy, and I glanced up to see her and Misha holding one another, watching me with pity. Please stop looking at me like that. I won't be able to hold myself together if you do.

"There was a battle with another Clan," I told them, looking away from the two females. "Andy, my Chosen and my Denari, knew of my pregnancy but he claimed he needed help. I tried to resist, but he forced the order on me to the point where I couldn't resist any longer. So I shifted, and during the battle I miscarried. He told me if I had been more careful, then perhaps the shift wouldn't have killed our child."

I refused to look at Princeton, but the anger in his eyes was enough for me to want to run for the hills. It radiated off of him in waves and I could almost hear a low growl under his breath. "Why ... why did he blame you?" he asked.

"Like I said, he didn't want to take the blame so he turned it on me. Families start particularly young in Feline Clans, because most of them want to have two or three children, but miscarriages are so common among our species. My aunt had five before she finally gave birth to my cousin. It's not easy to have a child, especially if you're living under a Denari."

"I should murder him," Princeton snarled, sending a wave of shock through me. "I should send a patrol to his territory and I should rip his goddamn throat out. How could he blame you? You may have been the one carrying the child, but he ordered the shift."

"It goes to show how different Felines and wolves are, Princeton," I told him with a sigh, shaking my head. "He misjudged himself and he turned his anger on me. He couldn't find the will to kill me so he sentenced me to a fate worse than death. He forced me away from the only family I knew. Clan cats don't do well without their family. He knew that, but he didn't care."

Princeton growled. "It still — how — your species is absolutely disgraceful," he spat. "Exiling a woman because she miscarried? That's disgusting!"

"I know." I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I should at least defend the Felines, but how could I when what he says isn't exactly wrong?

"How long ago—"

"It was about a day after my exile when you caught me, and another day before that when I lost my child."

"So ... two says." Zaria breathed in sharply. "How are you so ... "

"This?" I gestured to myself. "Well, I had only found out I was expecting two days before the battle broke out. The grief is strong, but I don't really grieve outside of privacy. It's not how I work."

"We're sorry for your loss, Rivera," Misha murmured.

"Don't be. I don't even know why I admitted this to you." I closed my eyes and leaned my arms on the counter, lowering my head.

"Because you need to talk about it, and you know that Rivera." I felt the warm palm of Princeton on my back, and I was less sad and anxious. "We only just met, but instinct, and your cat, seem to see the need for you to discuss it with someone. Now the process of grief might be easier."

"I hope so. I feel ... really cursed at this point. My parents. My bother. My miscarriage. My sister probably feels like she lost her entire family." My lip trembled slightly, but I put a quick stop to that.

"Your sister lost a lot, yes, but you lost everything. Everyone," Princeton murmured, his hand rubbing soothing circles into my back.

I blinked at him, trying to understand his words better. Now that I thought about it, perhaps he had a point ... I did lose a lot.

I squeezed my eyes shut and ran some fingers through my hair, intaking deep breaths. "I know."

"You should focus on yourself and let the grieving process take its course. It'll be healthy for you mentally," Adonis suggested. I turned my gaze to him, surprised by the younger wolf's wisdom.

"You're intelligent," I said, trying to offer a weak smile of gratitude. "Thank you."

"I want to be a psychologist," Adonis admitted to me, looking bashful and sheepish. "Sorry."

I shook my head. "No, I like that you're using your knowledge and putting it to good use."

Adonis flushed, but he appeared to be pleased with my compliment. "Thank you."

I turned to Princeton and got up, taking my bowls to the counter. "Is there anything to do? If I'm going to be here for a while, I was thinking I should get used to the place."

I also wanted to get my mind off of this topic for the time being. I would take their advice and allow myself to grieve, but I wouldn't allow it to interfere with me and my needs too.

Zaria's eyes brightened suddenly, and that's when I knew I was completely doomed.

• • •

"I like your sister's hand-me-downs," I told Zaria as she walked, her hand clenched tightly around mine to prevent any escape attempt. "They're comfy and nice."

"Don't you want something to call your own again?" Zaria asked, stopping and turning to me, hand still in mind with a bright smile.

"It wouldn't be mine if it's not my credit card being used," I pointed out, reminding her how she'd convinced Princeton to let me use the card to buy clothes.

When he hesitated, she claimed I needed very feminine products as well and he practically through his entire wallet at us. I tried to grab it first to give it back to Princeton, but Zaria snatched it before I could.

"You're Princeton's mate. What's his is yours, what's yours is his." Zaria beamed at me. "He'd do anything for you."

"He doesn't know me that well."

"But the process of being his mate allows you to get to know him," Zaria said, smiling and glancing around. Nobody appeared to be paying attention, so she safely continued, "I know it's weird, to be paired with a wolf. I mean, that's extremely rare in the first place. Our Goddess doesn't usually extend mate bonds outside of her creations, but she makes exceptions."

My fingers twitched at the mention of their Goddess. Personally, the only grudge I had against her was the sudden push into being mates with a wolf shifter. I was also ... scared of her. That's my mother and father's doing alone.

"I guess. I just wish she talked to me first," I mumbled, making a try at humor. "It's kinda unfair to be slapped in the face with this kind of thing."

"I know. I also know you and my brother agreed to keep your bond at a friendship level for the time being. He seems very content with that." Zaria looked at me, her brown eyes pleading a little. "But one day will you think about giving him a chance? I'm not saying now, and I can't make you in the future, but ... he needs you as much as you need him."

I caught myself before my automatic response could release. I don't need him would be the words my defense system had automatically came up with. I licked my chapped lips and nodded at her. "Okay, but I can't promise anything right now."

"I understand."

She offered me a small smile, hope lingering on the edges of her lips. I found myself offering the smallest smiles back, and she then snapped out of our moment and dragged me into one of the stores. I didn't complain.

I let Zaria pile clothes into my arms, tried them on like a good girl, and when I saw something I liked I added it to the purchase pile. I wasn't one for shopping usually, but when I did go, I got into it almost immediately.

We left the stores with a total three hundred dollars worth of five different clothing stores in our bags.

We went to lunch, and we sat across from each other at Olive Garden. She yawned and leaned back in her chair after we ordered and looked at me. "Hey."

I looked at her and rested my chin on my hand. "Mm?"

"You look tired."

"I didn't sleep well last night, that's all."

She was about to respond, but her phone rang. She groaned and shifted through her purse before pulling her phone out and answering it. "Zaria Blackwood." She sat up straight, eyebrows furrowed. "Yes."

I watched her turn from "Zaria" to "Professional" in all but three seconds. Her eyes darkened a little, making me wonder what was being said to her on the other line. I chose not to listen in, and instead focused on the noises around me.

A few feet away, two women were giggling about a man they both agreed was very cute, but they weren't being very quiet and private about it so I assumed even humans near them could hear it if they chose to listen in.

My eyes drifted around the restaurant, my chin on my palm. It was very hard for me not to pry into Zaria's conversation, but she had turned away from me in her seat. She really didn't want me to listen in, not that her turning away would exactly help her.

The waiter started over but I held my hand up and pointed to Zaria. He understood, instead going to serve another one of his tables so he wouldn't interrupt the girl on the phone.

After a few more minutes, I heard Zaria say her goodbyes and then she set her smartphone on the table and rubbed her temples. "God, I need a drink."

"Everything okay?" I asked her, watching her practically run her face off completely. She looked back at me.

"I don't know," she admitted to me. "Princeton called me, he needs us to cut this short and head back."

I frowned, wondering what was so bad that he needed Zaria back so early. I shut my menu and watched as Zaria got to her feet and placed some money on the table. She and I grabbed our bags and left the restaurant.

• • •

I jerked the doorknob open as best I could with a hand full of shopping bags and used my hips to push it open fully, stumbling in with Zaria behind me.

"Here, take all of them to your room," Zaria said, sliding the bags up my arm. "I'll come get my stuff later." Without so much of another word or a goodbye, she rushed past me quickly down one of the many halls.

Goddamn it, did she seriously leave me with all of these? I let out a groan and stumbled up the stairs, pushing the bags further up my arms each time they threatened to drop from my wrist. I swear to God, if I drop one of these and the clothes fall out I'll have a fit.

Thankfully, that didn't happen. I slammed my door open and dropped every single damn bag onto the floor carelessly, glaring down at them with complete distaste and hatred. "Stupid assholes," I said in a muttered, walking past them and collapsing on top of my bed.

I stared at my ceiling for a time being, but I soon grew bored and wanted something to do. I know there's a gym somewhere in this mansion the wolves called home, and a pool. Perhaps I could do some working out and go swimming, that would help me think better.

I dressed in a pair of shorts and a tank top with a swim suit under it, curtesy of Princeton's sisters once again. I slid on a new pair of flip flops I had got while out with Zaria and grabbed a towel, then hurried down to the kitchen where I could grab a bottle of water.

The pack was walking about, going to their business and not really bothering me. Some of them cast me curious glances, as if wanting to approach me and speak with me but not knowing how. Just as I got to the kitchen, a figure stepped in my way, blocking my path. I came to an irrupt halt as the familiar scent filled my nostrils.

Kestrel. She looked furious, her brown eyes blazing with the same amount of fury emotion that she expressed on the first night we met, and instantly my guard was up.

"Hello," I greeted cautiously, my fingers twitching under the towel I held. "Is it okay if I go past? I need to get water." I didn't want to fight right now, I really didn't, especially because everyone, for the most part, have been treating me so kindly. Hell, Zaria just took me out and bought me hundreds of dollars worth of clothing for myself. Getting into a fight with Kestrel wouldn't exactly be showing that gratitude to the family and the rest of the wolves.

God, what happened to me that caused me to want to like the wolves?

Kestrel stepped in front of me again, her upper lip curling in a half snarl. "I'm talking to you, Feline," she growled, her body tensing up. She took a threatening step forward, and now my cat was alert. I could feel her presence, pressing against my skull with a dull pain following it. She was making herself known to the female wolf, letting her know that she would be watching.

"You don't belong here. Princeton doesn't see that now, but one day he will," Kestrel said, narrowing her eyes. She stepped forward and gripped my shirt. This triggered a wave of uncanned fury, and my hand clenched around her wrist in the tightest grip me and my Feline could manage. Her eyes twitched, flashing with sock and soft pain before disappearing blankly. "Let go of me."

"You touched me first," I reminded her, my voice low from contained anger. My grip tightened, and distantly I could hear the slight crack. If I continued my grip, the wrist would break under my fingers. Some part of me hoped it would, but I needed to control myself. "Don't act like I was the one who attacked you, mutt. You sent the first punch that night. You started this. Not me. You didn't have to grab me just now either." I released her wrist, and she drew it back, holding it to her chest.

She snarls softly at me. "You'll regret ever agreeing to stay, Rivera. The Moon Goddess made a mistake in pairing you with my brother, that's a fact. I don't know what my pack did to make her place you as his Luna, but I have to believe it's a curse."

I pursed my lips as her words reached my ears, trying to hard not to let that bother me. I have to believe it's a curse.

"You're cursed, Feline, and I'll make sure they see it before you manage to spread it and bring my pack to it's knees." She turned, leaving me standing there.

You're cursed, Feline.