It was right
Even though it felt wrong
Nothin' ever stopped you
From showin' your progression suddenly
Broken lies
Drivin' backwards
Makin' all the wrong turns
Sayin' all the wrong words
Dodgin' angels

• • •

I drew one leg up and kept it bent while the other lay sprawled out on the mattress, listening to my heart thump wildly inside my chest like a cheetah running through the grasslands.

We. Are. Done. Jamie's words always struck me, be it in a dream or a memory. Though I feel like all dreams, no matter what, are all some part of your sub-memory. A piece of your past so far back you can't remember.

After all, a brain cannot make up a new face.

I brought my hand up to my chest, curling my fingers around the shirt just above my heart and resting my fist over the beating organ. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

It was excruciating, listening to your own heartbeat. I can't, for a second, stand the sound of it. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Maybe I should go for a run. Nobody except the patrols would be up. Go back to sleep, my cat murmured from the back of my mind.

Okay, never mind on the run then.

Whenever I have a dream about that night, I always leave bed and go to Lucky. It didn't matter whether I slept within my own sheets, or with Andy, I always left and crawled into bed with my sister. She understood. She had the dreams, too, and would also come to me. We had an agreement, a pact.

No matter what, we don't go through the pain alone. We always did things together.

I thought briefly about going to Princeton, but instantly scolded myself for even having a thought of the idea. I rolled onto my side, facing the moon and staring at it. Are you watching me, Goddess? Do you see the pain I've endeared? Does it please you to know that a Sun Child suffers under your light?

I didn't get an answer, but I did drift back to sleep, one that promised nothing but darkness and a peaceful rest.

• • •

When I woke again, the moon had drifted back under the earth and was now replaced by the sun. I blinked at the window blearily, finding myself to be, oddly enough, extremely exhausted.

I threw the comforter off of my body and sat up, bending over and sitting on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands. I took a moment to wake up, to let my brain jump start itself.

"Cat," I muttered, reaching out to her. She was just as bleary as I was, seeming unwilling to cooperate with me at this time. Stubborn animal.

I realized that I would, whether I liked it or not, have to get up and be with the world at some point. So I shuffled to the dresser that Lana had graciously filled with newly bought clothes (that I had no idea about), and, of course, some of her daughters' old hand-me-downs.

I picked out a pair of ripped jeans, and a black tank top that was ripped at the sides.

After getting ready, I put my hair into a ponytail and brushed my teeth before heading downstairs, hands sliding along the wooden posts of the sides.

I found myself heading to the main kitchen where I was first served a sandwich by Lana, glancing around. People, of course, were already awake and had this weird thing about staring.

I arrived in the kitchen where Zaria and Adonis were seated, eating cereal and talking. When they saw me enter, Zaria smiled. "Hey, you," she greeted kindly.

"Hi." I walked over to the island and took a seat across from them on one of the tall chairs. "What time is it?"

"Nine-thirty."

I nodded and released a sigh through my nostrils, looking out the window. My hearing, once I focused it to the outside, picked up the song of birds miles away and the movements of animals going about their morning routines on the forest floor.

"You want anything?" Zaria offered, gesturing her hand towards the boxes of cereal, bread, poptarts, and donuts and fruits on the counters. "Don't worry about eating too much, we have stacks of the stuff in the cupboard."

I looked over the food, my stomach growling as a response and I walked over, grabbing a couple of donuts and filling a small bowl with sliced mixed fruit. "Thank you."

"Don't thank us," Adonis responded with a shrug, stuffing his spoon full of cereal in his mouth. He then pulled it out and swallowed. "You're welcome to anything here, you know that."

I could feel the warm tint on my cheeks, and down in my stomach I felt a twinge of emotion. Relief, perhaps? Gratitude?

Just then, a girl with long blonde hair in a braid walked in. She was elegant but at the same time she looked strong. She was built, she appeared to train well. I wouldn't want to meet her in battle, I would admit that.

She walked towards Zaria, and the way the brown-haired girl looked at her with a glint of love and adoration in her eyes told me that this was Misha, her mate.

Misha leaned down and pressed a hand to Zaria's shoulder blade, pressing a soft kiss on her forehead while glancing at me. "Be nice," Zaria murmured to her, loud enough for me to catch but soft.

Misha smiled down at her charmingly, a twinkle in her eyes. "Relax, my love. I'm just curious about her as everyone else." Then she turned her attention to me. "So, you're the cat."

I pursed my lips and popped a strawberry slice in my mouth. "Yeah. I'm the cat."

"I'm Misha. I see you've met Zaria."

"I have." I nodded, crossing my arms over the table and tilting my head. "She's a sweet person. Nicer than Princeton, and she's funnier too."

Misha smirked, and Zaria snorted in amusement. "I like you. Let's keep her," she said to Zaria. "We can put a collar on her and name her Sparkles."

"Excuse me?" I said, tilting my head and staring at them.

Zaria shrugged, ignoring my comment. "You have to change her litterbox, then," she teased. "If you insist on keeping her, it'll be your duty to clean up after her."

"Oh, yes," Adonis joined in. "No way anybody is changing it but Misha," he agreed. "I hear bigger cats take bigger craps."

"I'm trying to eat," I said, narrowing my eyes and pointing at them threateningly, but light and playful. "And for the record, I don't need a litterbox. Even if I did, it still wouldn't be as bad as you dogs taking a shit in the yard. I would hate to be your dog-walker, walking you on leashes and cleaning up your human-sized dog crap."

"Ouch," Zaria said, putting a hand to her chest as if I had shot her. "Rivera, you think so lowly of us dogs. We promise we don't take dumps just wherever when we're out. We make sure to do our business somewhere secluded." She flashed me a wink.

"That doesn't help our case, love," Misha said with laughter, her hands squeezing Zaria's shoulders. "She burned us pretty good."

"Are you seriously taking the side of a cat, our natural enemy, over me, your lover and mate?" Zaria asked, squinting her pretty honey colored eyes at Misha.

"Me? Never," Misha replied casually, going to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water before pausing. "Maybe a little."

"I hope you like sleeping on couches, then," Zaria hummed, hopping off the stool and taking her empty cereal bowl to wash. "Can't believe you took the side of a yowling furball."

"I'm not sure whether to be offended or not," I replied grimly, but flashed an easy grin at them which they returned.

"So, you think I'm funnier and nicer than Princeton?" Zaria asked, looking rather proud of this.

"I do." I smiled, playfully. They were both sweet and funny, but I felt it was easier to be around Zaria. There were no conflicting emotions, no sense of lingering want, and if I touched her, I wouldn't be met with confusion and butterflies.

I felt warm breath on the back of my neck and I cringed away upon smelling the intoxicating scent. "Jesus, could you be anymore creepy?" I asked, my eyes following Princeton as he walked around me with a side grin.

"Sorry, I just had to freak you out. I can't believe, not at all, that you find my sister nicer than I." He was wearing a short sleeved white shirt, a jean style button up shirt that was open, a pair of jeans, and a pair of brown shoes with tied laces.

He looked nice. I approved.

Shut up, Rivera.

"Well, I mean, after those things you said before dinner ..." I trailed off with purpose, grinning. I wasn't actually upset about it anymore, I was just trying to fluster him.

"Oh please you said things, too," he reminded me, eyeing my donut.

"Don't touch my donut, asshole. I see you eyeing it."

He scoffed, reaching over and snatching one of my donuts. I lifted a lip and snarled when he did that, standing up. "I warned you."

"It's just a donut, Kitty," Princeton hummed as he slowly, teasingly bit into it and ripped off a piece. "Just a delicious, mind you, donut."

"I will slaughter you in your sleep," I promised, watching him with disdain as he chewed away at my breakfast. "It will be most painful."

"Mm, you eat so much though." Princeton grinned cheekily. "Are you trying to fatten up?"

I stiffened at his question, my whole body freezing in place. I didn't have many triggers, but the wound was still very, very fresh. As fresh as the day I was exiled.

My mood went from playful to grim in all but twenty seconds, all because he asked a harmless question.

I shouldn't let the question define how I respond or act. It may be a painful topic, but that doesn't mean I need to keep breaking down every second. Grieve in silence, Rivera. Grieve in silence.

I tucked my bottom lip between my teeth and smiled at him, patting my stomach. "You know it. I gotta get bulky."

Princeton walked over and met my eyes, as if realizing how is question affected me. The others didn't seem to notice, so it confused me as to how he could tell.

Because he's our mate, my cat stated proudly, though she was just as bothered by the question he had asked as I was. We should tell him, Rivera. He deserves to know so he can understand.

I didn't agree. I didn't agree because I didn't want to tell him what had happened that caused my exile. I didn't want to tell him because I was still grieving, even though I didn't really grieve in a way as expected, because I grieved silently, and slowly, and I didn't cry or dream about it. I grieved by pushing forth effort.

When my brother died, I grieved like I am now. I took my mind off of why I was grieving and sad by acting as if I was okay. I was cheerful, playful, and I fooled everyone into thinking as such. I responded normally to everything, I assured people I was okay.

And then I would lock myself in my head when I was alone and think about my brother. I would let my grief process that way. Though it worked for me, it was a long and often painful process. It took me three years to grieve properly and fully because of how I handled it.

I had a feeling that what my grief was over right now would take longer. I didn't agree with my cat because of how ashamed of myself I am, even though the circumstances aren't my fault.

I shuffled past Princeton, brushing against him. His fingers brushed along my arm as I did, sending a warm comfort through me. I felt instantly relaxed, which was shocking in some way. I glanced at him and dipped my head gratefully, sitting down and nibbling on my fruit. I watched Misha wrap her arms around Zaria and place soft kisses on her lips.

"Don't go," Zaria mumbled, looking up at her with sparkling eyes.

"Mm. I don't want to, but someone has to train those pups," Misha told her, running a hand down her cheek. "Princeton thinks they'll crack under my training."

Princeton smirked. "It worked with your sister, didn't it?" he said from next to me, resting his elbows on the counters and leaning forward.

"Yeah, but I went easy on her," Misha responded.

"Exactly. They'll be easier to control and handle under your thumb," he told her, placing his thumb flat on the counter. "We need shifters like you reigning their temperament in and teaching them the rules of submission and shifting. One wrong move in public, and we'll have to hire a witch to erase the entire thing from all minds of the humans witnessing it." He huffed. "The last time we had to do that, it costed a hefty price."

"How much?" I asked, curious and invested now.

"Three thousand dollars."

"Holy crap," I said, my eyes widening. Three thousand dollars? "A juvenile shifted in front an entire place of humans?"

"Yep," Misha hummed, nodding her head and looking away from Zaria to me. "He lost his temper with a human that had shoved him into a wall while he was in a rush. We were lucky that his parents were able to control him. So now we have to have two hour classes for every juvenile after their school day about control of temperament and shifting."

"You didn't have that before the incident?" I inquiry, frowning and tilting my head.

"Nah, usually the parents handled that part," Adonis replied, wiping his mouth with a napkin and pushing his now empty bowl away from him. "The packs sort of expected juveniles to be taught control, but sometimes it's hard when it's just two people doing it."

"I see," I murmured.

"What did your Clan do in that situation?" Zaria asked, resting her chin on her hand. "I'm curious about your old home."

"Zaria," Princeton murmured, but I shrugged.

"It's fine. Basically, the Denari, the equivalent to your Alpha—" I gestured to Princeton, who gave me a warm smile, "—has more control over his Clan members than Alpha wolves. It's hard to explain. Our kind looks down on certain amounts of free will. We have it, of course," I added when I saw their confused expressions, "but some part of our cats eventually demand obedience. The Denari's word is law in the Clans, and if disobeyed, your cat, depending on the severity of the order disobeyed, can literally rip apart its own body from the inside out. We do not, for that reason, tolerate disobedience. In doing so, our cats would be given the ability to tear itself, and us, from the inside out — killing both of us in the process."

Adonis stared at me, jaw dropped, and Zaria and Misha shared a horrified glance. "Is that ... why you were exiled?"

I breathed out. "No, I followed through with my order because life was threatened if I didn't do so. , Unfortunately, it took something precious from me away and I was blamed. Blamed for losing what was lost, despite following an order that I had to obey." I felt the tell-tale claws of grief begin to climb up the back of my neck. I glanced at them as I explained myself, already sensing the upcoming question before it was delivered and preparing myself for it.

"What happened? What did you lose by obeying him?" Princeton asked, his golden gaze keeping itself locked on me as spoke.

My throat swelled up, and my heart fluttered deep within the confines of my ribcage. My tongue felt loose, and even as I tried desperately to tighten it and silence myself, the words came out, "My child."