You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
But I can't have you
We're bound to break and
My hands are tied

• • •

I was oh so tired — especially since they'd insisted I not go to the hospital, seeing as I couldn't shift throughout this process. She was so soft in my arms, and she looked up at me like I was something she did not expect to first see once those fierce wails had quieted down into gentle whimpers.

"Hi Juliet Rosemary," I whispered, brushing my fingers across her cheeks with pride filling my gaze. I blinked away tears and felt my heart leap into my throat with such passion and relief. Perhaps everything had just been my delirious dreaming due to the drugs they inserted to help Feline ease pain. The newborn blinked her lazy blue gaze at me and whined again.

Her nose — she had his nose. His beautiful nose. My daughter was here, she was so perfectly safe and nothing was wrong. A dream. A very bad dream. This little girl, this wriggling creature in my arms, she was the reality.

She had to be.

"She's beautiful." I turned my head and saw Andy staring down at me and his new cub with heavy tears and overwhelming love in his eyes. "I'm so proud of you."

My heart swelled even more if it were ever possible. "She gave me a hard time," I murmured in exhausted playfulness, watching the newborn tuck herself deeper into my warm embrace. "She apparently decided she changed her mind about coming out today."

Andy chuckled as he sat down next to me and watched her. "How inconsiderate." He glanced at my arms, knowing well how protective a new mother is the first few weeks of her cub's birth. He could easily find himself at the fate of my teeth. "May I?"

But luckily for him, Feline was mellow. I nodded and shifted my incredibly sore body so that I could transfer Juliet Rosemary into his arms, where his warmth seemed to attract her to snuggle into his chest.

He held the newborn like he was holding delicate glass, ready to shatter at any sudden bump. "Hi, little one," he whispered, starting to quietly murmur to her. His chest rumbled in a way that felines did when they were pleased. It was our equivalent to a domestic cat's purr. "I am your papa, yes. Next time, don't tire your mama out so much you hear?"

He got a small whine in response, to which he responded with a muzzle to her forehead. "You're going to be a Queen someday, princess. I will pave the way to your kingdom, even if I have to bring the whole damn world to its knees. Just for you."

• • •

Thunder struck and my heat-induced dream shattered away, bringing me back into reality. The tears that had been spilling in my sleep now burned my cheeks like water falling atop a hot sidewalk.

All dreams must end, and mine was cut off too soon.

Heats were cruel that way. They brought on your inner most desires in the form of a blissful dream or your pain-staking fears into a nightmare. I wasn't quite sure whether that was a dream or a nightmare. I sat up in bed, earning myself a throb of pain in my abdomen. Hot flashes flared through my skin, alerting me and awakening me from my daze.

Another strike of thunder rattled the house that enclosed me and many others, perhaps waking them up, causing children to cry and run for their parents.

Perhaps I would never have children coming into my bedroom at all hours, wailing in fear over thunder, or nightmares, or the need for a glass of water.

I shoved the heavy sheets off of me, welcoming the cooler air that hugged my skin in greeting. The instant I felt the cold air, my mind had been made up: I needed a very cold bath.

I lifted myself out of the bed, and got a good look at my surroundings. It was then that I remembered that this room was not my own. It belonged to Princeton, this was his bedroom. I debated going back to the bed and not bathing, as I didn't have any other clothing, but the next sharp wave of hot knives that sliced me wiped any thoughts of getting back into that bed.

I stumbled to the bathroom while attempting to be as quiet as I could possibly be. I somehow managed to fill the tub with cold water and get out of my sweat-sticky clothes. When I got into the ice cold water and sunk my body as deep as it would go, I was surprised steam didn't come floating off of the surface from how hot I felt.

The bath was soothing, so soothing that I started crying again. I covered my face with my hands as I wept, so not to allow anyone who may be outside the doors or next to my room hear them. That did not change the fact that they might have already heard my journey from the bed to the bathroom and the running of the water [ running a bath is never quiet ]. If they had heard me, which I'm very sure they had at this point, they made no move to come and check on me. They left me alone and I was entirely grateful for that right now.

I felt fuzzy with heat-delirium and that was mixing with a heavy amount of anxiety and depression. It was creating a melting pot of emotions and physical pain that tortured me repeatedly and left me exhausted in every sense of the word.

I knew that my pain was not close to over. It felt like I was in heat for years, but it had only been a few days. The pain, the emotional turmoil, and the dreams would only get worse before they started to go away.

I succumbed to the exhaustion and to the flashes of heat that hit me next, knocking me out completely.

• • •

"She's crying again," he murmured against my neck. I snuggled deeper against him as his chest rumbled with satisfaction of my responding touch. "I got her last time. Maybe she's hungry."

"You should feed her," was my murmured response. We'd agreed I would take day shift and he the night shift. He was on Clan duty all day, so why should he get out of night duty with her?

"You're the one with her meal," he pointed out playfully, his voice raspy and deepening as he started dozing off. "I'll get the next one. Promise."

I sighed heavily and made a scene of getting up loudly, causing him to shuffle against the sheets as I put a robe over my bare body. He propped himself up and watched me with glazed eyes, still filled with sleep. "Why are you staring?"

It felt wrong for some reason, not flattering nor seducing. I wanted him to stop. But why?

He lifted those glazed eyes across my body, studying it with deep intensity. "Because you're so beautiful," he responded, his gaze finally settling on my face. "I can't get over it."

I swallowed, at loss for words. What do I say? Do I tell him how much discomfort the stare brought me? That his words didn't seem to bring any affection from my heart? What was wrong with me? This was my Chosen, my life-partner. Mine as I was his.

A loud wail saved me from replying. Andy chuckled and ran a hand through his messy hair. "Duty calls, love."

I rolled my eyes and left the bedroom, crossing down the hallway. As I did, my heart pounded against my rib cage with a new speed and weight. Lightning flashed against the purple walls as I entered the bedroom.

A snarl greeted me. A wolf of familiar coloring stood soaked in blood next to a crushed crib, and its golden eyes flashed in the moving twilight.

Fear spiked through me, as well as pain. "Where is she?" I cried, darting forward to the broken crib. The wolf watched me with intelligent, but emotionless, eyes as I searched. I turned to the creature and it stepped forward.

"No!"

"No!" I jerked awake with a scream. My heart was racing against me, and my senses alerted me to others in the bedroom. I didn't care.

"Where is she?" I demanded weakly, gripping the sheets. My body was too weakened to move, but a powerful string of nausea courses through me. "Where is she? Tell me where she is?"

"Rivera, where is who?" Lana murmured as she crossed the door and to me. She crouched down a bit away from the bed and held her hand out, taking my clammy one in hers.

I stared at Lana for a long moment, allowing my mind to catch up with the rest of my body. Wakefulness crashes against me in a harsh punch, reminding me that I had simply gone through a nightmare.

"Sorry. Nightmare," I got out, shakily removing my hand from hers. "How did I get back into bed?"  I questioned, not meeting her eyes as I changed the subject entirely before she could ask questions.

"I came in to check on you. Found you asleep in the bath," the older female responded gently, standing back up. "I got you dressed in clothes that should help your skin breath better. Do you not remember?"

I shook my head. Was I even awake when she found me? If I somehow was then I had absolutely no recollection of it. Hell, I was still trying to return to the real world. It seems I slept for hours, yet I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

Lana eyed me closely, pursing her lips and nodding. Deciding not to pursue it further, she continued, "I got you dressed and back into bed, though I got some heat-safe bedsheets and blankets. Princeton's weren't breathable, he tends to like to suffocate his body with heat." The woman chuckled quietly and sent me a small smile.

I tried to muster one back, knowing that she was trying to help ease me back into the world carefully. "He's always been tightly wound."

"Not much more than you," she retorted with a twinkle in her eyes. "I've been trying to monitor the temperature so it's somewhat cooler in the house now. I managed to break your fever caused by the heat and help you down from that heat-fever before you got ill."

"Thank you," I managed out gratefully, moving my hands across the new sheets. They did help to regulate my body in some ways. They were lighter, and they allowed air to flow whenever I moved slightly. It felt fantastic and I would kill Princeton for placing me in a bed with heat-enclosing sheets in the first place.

"You're welcome." She turned around and grabbed a pitcher of recently filled ice water and poured a glass. When I tried to reject it, she kept insisting. "You need water, Rivera. Dehydration will only heighten the pain of your heat. If you want to get through this without mating, then do what I ask. Please."

I drank the water, though my stomach wasn't agreeing. When the glass was emptied, she filled it again and set it at my bedside. "Every hour, one glass."

"Okay," I grumbled, nodding my head meekly.

Throughout the day I periodically drank the water like I was told to do, taking sips until it was empty. Then I would fill it and do it again. I have never pissed so much in one day in my entire life, so maybe I was dehydrated.

I hadn't seen or heard of Princeton either. I asked about him, but the responses I got were pretty dull, and they sounded the same from each person that came to visit me. "He's getting pack duties done, but he's not forgotten about you."

Sounds like rehearsed bullshit he asked them to spoon feed to me, if you ask me. So I was in pain, peeing every five minutes, and angry. Not a good combination to mess with, in my opinion.

So when he did enter, and I could smell it was him, I chucked a pillow at him the second he showed his stupid beautiful face. It hit him square, then fell to the ground limply. My pillow soldier, you did well. You'll receive an award.

He raised his eyebrow at me as he shut the door behind him. "Get out," I growled.

"It's my room," he pointed out, not seeming to be off by my greeting.

"Do I care? No. Get out. You didn't come to me like you said I would if I asked for you, and that makes you a liar. I don't like when you lie to me. So leave," I seethed, glaring at him. Did I want him to leave? Not really. Did I want to prove how angry I was? Yes.

Princeton ran a hand through his hair as he watched me with a calculating gaze. "Rivera, I'm sorry. I —"

"Had pack duties but didn't forget about me," I droned off, staring at him with narrowed eyes. "I've heard that by every person who's come into this room today."

His nostrils flared, as if forgetting to check who had visited me. His eyes flickered around, and he relaxed after a second. Big possessive animal. He let his gaze wander back to me and settle on me as he eased forward without fear, sitting down on the edge of the bed.  "I was doing pack things, if you want the truth."

"Why didn't you just . . . I don't know, let them tell me what they wanted? If you were doing paperwork and got caught up, if you were training . . . Just I wanted the truth. Not a loophole to the truth, Princeton," I said quietly, eyeing him. "I'm giving you my trust and placing my heart in your hands. That doesn't give you the right to wave it in front of my face."

"That wasn't my intention. Not at all," he murmured, his hand stretching closer to mine. They twitched, as if itching to enclose themselves around my own. I eyed them for a second, then lifted my gaze to his carefully, waiting for him to speak again.

"Then what was your intention?" I questioned softly.

He tilted his head and traced his fingers against mine, testing the waters lightly. I didn't move away, allowing him to get braver. "If I tell you what I did, you'll think of me a monster."

Those words didn't sit well with me. "Did you commit murder?" I asked casually.

"Damn near," he said, his fingers tracing up my arm.

"Did it involve someone who deserves it?"

"Probably."

He was so close now. Very close. His lips were only inches from mine, and everything inside me encouraged me to move closer to him, to rub my scent against him and let him walk out of here with my claim. Mine. Mine. Mine.

"Was it someone who pissed you off recently? A Gonzales?"

His eyes flickered with surprise then a cat-like slyness. "I love how smart you are," he practically purred, throwing my body into a ring of flames that threatened to burn me from the inside out. "Such an intelligent thing."

His hand began to trace against my knees and hips, and I welcomed the touch. I didn't care the torture it would cause me later, right now it felt too brilliant to stop. My head leaned back. He wasn't even touching me in places I wanted him and he still managed to set me off.

His fingernail scraped against the inside of my hipbone, and I was gone. White-hot feelings of physical bliss coursed through my entire being, and all he had to do was touch my hip. My body was that worked up.

When the bliss fades away, I'm back in the real world. I was cold, shaking, as heat left my body for a while. It would return in a few hours, sedated only for a brief amount of time.

He met my gaze and I found in there a deep sense of longing and darkness. I saw myself, how vulnerable I was and how easily he could break me and fix me right after. I saw how shattered I'd been and how he shattered me more, only to put me back together as if there were no cracks in the glass to be seen.

And as he stared at me with those eyes, and I compared them to however Andy used to look at me and came to a realization.

Just like he could break me, I, too, could break Princeton into millions of tiny pieces if I so desired. I held his life in my hands, and unlike Andy, I had access to every single memory, emotion, thought, and whatever else he gave me.

We had the power to destroy each other, because we gave each other everything. Andy . . . He never gave me that.

Andy gladly took my heart and destroyed everything about it, leaving Princeton to pick up the pieces while he managed to keep his uninjured.

• • •

Rivera is starting to come some conclusions about her former lover, and they're not going to be pretty later in the story.

Tata 💚